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I’m working on this ‘buffet’ concept. I’ll admit though that it’s hard for me to cast aside the “all or nothing” concept I’ve accepted for so many years. Having to face a bona fide faith crisis is making this possible for me, but I am taking my sweet time figuring things out… Good luck to you as you sort things out. I hope this forum helps you as much as it does me!
Welcome! I hope you find this site to be as useful as I have. Your story is interesting and unique, but in many ways similar to mine. I think you should be commended for reacting the way you did toward your husband announcing his change in beliefs. I know that my TBM wife has had some struggles with my ‘loss of faith’, but I’m glad she didn’t overreact and throw me out. In spite of her fear she has been supportive and understanding, and it has helped me immensely.
Good luck as you figure things out. The key for me (so far) has been to take things slowly, one step at a time. There’s no hurry to make any radical changes in your life or your beliefs, and your journey is your own – you don’t even need to share the specifics with anyone else if you don’t want to.
I come to this site because I really want to “stay LDS”. I find that the perspectives here allow me to consider new and creative ways to do just that!
This is an interesting thread, and I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately. Having arrived unexpectedly at the awakening of my own dream (so to speak) a year or so ago, I am hesitant to speak with anyone who is clearly in that mode for fear of being the cause of any hurt or confusion associated with loss of faith. One of the dilemnas I’ve faced is not having anyone to talk to about my questions, doubts, thoughts as I go through this process. I want to avoid at all cost being one who would dash another’s faith or plant seeds of doubt, even if inadvertently. As a result the entire procedure has been a very lonely thing for me. I’m struck by how the church is woefully unprepared to deal with members having a faith crisis, or even legitimate questions for that matter.
I’ve been a steady lurker on this site for a while, and while I don’t post much it has been of immense value to me to read others’ views, ideas, and supportive comments in my own quest to stay LDS. So thanks everyone!
Within the past year I’ve been overcome by questions about the church, and as a result my adherence to LDS orthodox rules has modified significantly. Interestingly, rather than leading to more guilt, I have felt a LOT less constrained and burdened by the constant guilt of falling far short of the list of things I was supposed to be doing and not doing. While I still obey most of the commandments – and certainly the major ones – I have let go of a lot and surprisingly have felt more at peace with myself and with God. It’s almost like I’ve begun doing things for a very different reason – one that has less to do with me and more to do with what is best for others. Green tea is now a favorite of mine as well, but similar to what you described I couldn’t bring myself to start drinking coffee due to the fact that I have 30 years of ingrained resistance to it. I’m somewhat ambivalent about paying tithing per se but my wife is insistent on it, so it gets paid. I actually feel that it’s a good thing to donate, whether that be to a worthy charity or to the LDS church. Other things I’ve let go of (at least for now) are temple attendance, home teaching, and really boring priesthood meetings.
Dropping all the adherence to these things hasn’t caused me to feel guilty in the least bit, on the other hand there is a huge relief knowing that I’m no longer holding myself accountable for things that were done out of a sense of social obligation anyway. I’ve sort of reconciled myself to the fact that God knows my heart and thoughts, and I’ve been able to establish rules that make sense and are right for me. That concept might sound horrible to a TBM, but since my absolute faith in the church is shattered anyway, I am definitely more at peace with myself in this regard and dumping that awful weight of constant guilt has been a huge relief.
It’s funny that as an orthodox mormon I was so focused on trying to live up to an impossible ideal that I seemed to forget about just trying to be a good person and do good things wherever I can. Now that I have cast off much of that burden, I feel more free to focus on things that really matter more deeply.
Wow, there are some great comments in this thread. I remember talking with my stake president several years ago. He made said something about how wonderful it was to bring up your family within the safe confines of the church. My comment back was that, even if I should find out someday that the church wasn’t true, I still think it’s a fantastic lifestyle and the best way I could think of to raise a family. I was unprepared for his response, because the casual conversation quickly took a more serious turn when he challenged my comment as being “dangerous thinking” and borderline apostate. I had to do some quick backtracking and reassure him that I had a valid testimony.
One thing I find so refreshing in this forum is that there is an acceptance of ideas outside the mainstream that is non-existent within the church.
Today I would certainly have a different response, and I still most definitely agree with my earlier thought that I’m better off within the church than outside of it – in spite of the questions and doubts I have.
Likewise, this talk has always bothered me. I actually think it might be the most significant factor contributing to what I view as an oppressive culture in the church, and it overnight it seemed to morph cultural traditions into quasi-official church policy. Elder Packer certainly knew the effect the talk would have when he gave it, and this concept of complete compliance seems perhaps to be the governing mission in his life. I don’t believe it’s been healthy for the church. A year or two ago I was at work until about 6pm then remembered that stake priesthood meeting was at 7. I drove straight to the stake center and got there just before it started. I was enjoying the meeting until one of the high councilors got up and gave his talk. He pretty much regurgitated Elder Packer’s famous address, and then went into his own lengthy diatribe about how wrong it is for man or boy to wear anything other than a white shirt to church. After he went on for 10 minutes on this single point, I looked down and noticed with horror that I was wearing a blue shirt! There were perhaps five or six of us there that night who were dressed “inappropriately” – including one investigator, a brand new convert, and a few other unlucky slobs like myself.
This is one unfortunate example of how the culture in the church gets mixed up with the doctrine, but it’s discouraging to me how often it happens. To make matters worse, the white-shirt-nazi is now my bishop!
It would certainly make it easier for me if the church would take a more liberal stance toward things like this and focus instead on some of the basic doctrines, like the ones taught by Jesus. Quite honestly the “white shirt issue” exposes an attitude of intolerance within the church – particularly among church leaders – that has been a major catalyst for my personal faith crisis. Not THE issue, but definitely one of them, and I can’t imagine I’m alone in feeling this way.
Sounds like you are way ahead of most 18-19 year old kids. You’ve already wrestled with things that I never did at that age, though as I look back I wish that I’d had a more critical approach – I think it might have served me better in the end. Good luck as you graduate from high school and decide what to do. As others have said, you should be able to serve a mission and find a lot of fulfillment from that, though I suspect you might have some challenges that are different from what others typically experience.
You bring up some great points and explain the concept very well. I agree that, as you’ve explained it, there is no real reason that traditional Christians should take offense to this principle – if they take the time to fully explore the concept. However, the problem may stem more from the delivery than from the actual message. For example I cringe when I hear LDS members talk casually about their impending godhood, or how they’ll do things in “their world”, etc. When it’s treated casually and without the proper context this must come off to the non-member as shockingly arrogant. I know it does to me, a nearly life-long member.
Personally, I can’t picture myself becoming a god to save my life. I have myself pegged more for eternal “middle-of-the-pack” status, and I think I might be ok with that. If I set my sights on the “glory of the moon”, maybe I won’t be so disappointed when the great and final reckoning comes! In spite of this the notion of continual progression to eventual godhood (for others) is one I find particularly appealing, yet the conceptual details are so difficult for me to understand that I would prefer that this topic be addressed very carefully, and in fact rarely. It seems to me that there are so many other basic things we could work on to live a good life that to talk about becoming a perfected god seems silly and a bit conceited.
I may be wrong but it seems like the general authorities have tended to downplay this concept in recent years. Thanks for your excellent analysis and explanation though, it did help me to sharpen my understanding of the principle.
