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Well that’s a tough call. I guess the best I can do is say that I used to consider myself Mormon; thinking about it now brings more sorrow than joy; and knowing what I now know I’d have never joined in the first place. As has been said, it’s a mixed bag. On the one hand, I have no venereal diseases, illegitimate children, drug addictions, or any of the many things I was taught would be avoided by keeping the commandments. On the other, rather than dealing with some of those things like an average member of society, I am left to reconcile and wrestle with having been lied to all of my life, unceasingly asked to give more than was possible and feel guilty upon failing, and the many things that many of you understand but the people in my every day life can’t. It’s a tough call for sure.
There have been good things that have come from it all but at what cost? I now find myself alone, with no direction, questioning everything and trusting nothing. It’s hard to even trust my own gut at this point. Sorrow? Yes.
95% is glad I found the truth of the Matrix and feels bad for those still in it but sometimes up to 5% feels like Cypher, wishing I could go back. I used to have a place where I (thought I) belonged and now there’s a void there.
Totally. Looking back, I can see my bias regarding the BoM, history, and evidence. It was easy to see things that seemed to prove or strengthen the case for it all while completely ignoring facts and evidence to the contrary. I just need to figure out where to put everything.
Maybe because it’s still so raw for me but it DOES matter if it isn’t historically accurate because it’s been sold as such. It does matter to me, at least. If I can’t trust that then what else can’t I trust? AmyJ wrote:
I am not even really upset with myself for my previous lack of understanding and more black/white perception of the world. While I may wish that some things were different, I can extend myself grace because I understand that my understanding is now different, and I can make different choices based on my new understanding.
Wow. Thank you for that. You sound a lot like my wife. I understand that I couldn’t be here without having been there. I have been spending the last couple of years building and tearing down blocks. It’s so strange because I was certain that I’d never be here and now that I am I see how ignorant I was then.
Roy wrote:I remember going to a party/”Nerd board game night” that said BYOB on the invite. DW was worried that I would drink there. I was incredulous at her response. She said, “With all of the other stuff changing with you, how am I to know what is going to change next.”
It was a scary time for both of us. I realized that she had a legitimate
fear that I might become an alcoholic womanizer without the church authority to hold me on the straight and narrow.Whatever else happens, It is worthwhile to reassure your spouse that your moral principles and your commitment to your marriage and family have not changed. They are constant and can be relied upon.
For sure. I totally agree about family and marriage. I can also understand your wife’s concern. It’s what we’ve been taught and (most likely) have taught others- that without the Church we become Zoramites.My wife is about where I am on most stuff but she worries that I’ll be angry with God. I’m not. I’m upset with myself and feel like a fool, looking back. But I’m not bitter with him.
On a side note, about a year ago after so much study and prayer, I couldn’t believe it and it made me sick but I felt like God told me that we’ve been looking beyond the mark on many things, to include the WoW. I began to see things differently and I feel that it is good advice, as it was given. On other forums people would say that I was just looking to justify drinking alcohol or coffee but I wasn’t. I just want to know the truth and to be right with God.
I guess all we can do is teach our own families and hope for the best. This past week I’ve been thinking about my life and choices I made with the understanding I had at the time. It’s hard to think about all of the things I excused or chose to be ignorant about. I had such conviction, too! If I were to go back and talk to myself a few years ago, my former self would tell me that I’m not reading enough, praying sincerely, diligent in my home teaching, etc, etc. He would be incredulous and probably tsk tsk and shake his head. I was never like that about other people but have always been hard on myself. The same Elder asked if I would go with him to visit a Hispanic family in town. I’m basically the only person who speaks Spanish around. I’m scared to go because I don’t think I believe most of what he will say and he’ll expect me to testify and have his back on it. I really don’t want to hurt anyone’s faith. I was mostly non-committal.
A few YM are preparing to leave and it’s taken me back to that time in my life. Although I feel like everything has been turned upside down and it hurts to feel lied to, I do recognize that living life the way that I did until now has undoubtedly made me a better person. I also know that I wasn’t in a place back then to learn some of what I’ve learned in the last couple of years. What a strange road I’m on.
Thanks, it’s definitely been crazy. My wife says I’m cynical and is worried that the pendulum will swing as far the other way as I was a die hard TBM. I can see that possibility and am trying not to let that happen. Man, thank you guys so much. I would say that you don’t know how much it means to me but you do. dande48 wrote:
It’s incredible the discrepancies you can find. And while most of it is stuff I could live with (if it were true), the fact that the Church has twisted, distorted, maniplulated the truth (and sometimes lied), that really hurts the most. The liberties they’ve taken with historical matters makes me feel like I can’t trust them with the spiritual either.
It really does hurt. As far as history goes, it’s incredible to go back and see how teachings in the Church have changed over the years, like the evolution of the WoW and the influence of American culture on it. Or polygamy or the priesthood ban (also a big deal for me, SamBee) or tithing. The irony is that I started seeing discrepancies after reading the essays put out by the Church. It feels like I’ve been in a mostly great relationship with someone and now I’ve found out that it was based on lies.DarkJedi wrote:
Take it slow, don’t dump everything at once, and focus on what you do believe.
Thank you. What I do believe is currently tough to nail down. While I could see myself going full on Brain in a Vat, I haven’t yet and am taking this slowly. It’s no wonder to me why many people leave the Church and become avowed atheists- the Church seems to leave no alternative since it claims to be the only true one (I’ve never been able to figure out what that really meant and it’s bothered me since the first time I heard it as a nine year old).Roy wrote:
BUT I find that post faith transition not everything holds value for me. Gone are the days of banging my head against a wall “praying, reading my scriptures, attending church, etc hard, diligently, or fervently enough” in the hopes of making round pegs fit into square holes. Now if something does not “work” for me then I don’t try to force it. I go and do something else that I find value in.
Kind of reminds me of Steven Covey explaining paradigm shift in one of his books. Basically that no matter how hard you try, if you have the wrong map you can’t get where you want to go and will only end up more confused and frustrated.
