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On Own Now, I just want to say how much I admire you. The path you have been on has had to be very lonely for you and I can certainly understand the numbness. I see a person who is trying to do good in all directions. I am sure your family loves you so much because you have taken the course you have versus the other directions you could have gone in. I am looking forward to hearing more of your thoughts/perspectives on things as I feel you have a lot to share with us. I love Mike’s way of thinking! But I also see no immediate answers to the everyday member being able to present ideas, feedback, etc. upline. Unless you are very respected by a bishop, stake president who might take an idea or perspective on up the line, etc. But I also imagine that would carry a risk for a bishop or stake president who might be quickly reminded it’s a top down church. What really depresses me is that if feedback is taken from local leadership and if local leadership is skewed in their thinking, the members under that skewed thinking are all affected. For myself, the only answer is to stay and serve, love, uplift and strengthen all around us that we feel led to. Staying true to ourselves and our way of being a follower of Christ might even mean saying no to a leader regarding things such as the amount of time taken away from the family to implement the latest idea of how to serve in a particular calling (that will usually bring a quick release), taking the time to serve someone who needs something you can give them that the structured service in the church might not be able to offer them (you might not be the HT or VT, but are serving that person outside of the organized way, which sometimes turns into territorial issues), or not being as available to serve every time the church requests you because you have committed to community service and need to honor your commitment to the community first.
Living life in the church in this way might very well get you “labeled”. But you will feel better about yourself. A friend once told me regarding a different setting, “Sometimes the most effective leaders are behind the scenes and hardly anyone even views them as a leader. However this type of leader can influence people and bring about great changes. This type of leader is humble and doesn’t care about the prestige of being seen as a leader but just deeply cares about the cause in which he is engaged.”
I am so impressed by the ability of everyone to express themselves. Each of your answers has resonated with me. I guess I would say I am just a trying to hang in there believer. The primary song, “I’m trying to be like Jesus” runs through my head. I found this very interesting. I feel the membership overall needs nudging and maybe some spoken permission from the top down to relax and start being more accepting. In my many years of membership now, I find the everyday majority of membership to be very protective of certain stances and attitudes. Maybe some of that is coming from fear that their families will be affected negatively by having too much acceptance in the atmosphere or that their children might be led astray as those who struggle might be in direct callings with their children. I have always felt we should be more accepting and loving and that has been a big struggle for me all these years, particularly in the wards we’ve attended where there have been exclusive cliques which leads to people feeling they are invisible. Thank you for clarifying Ray. There will be no problem for us if it is deemed medication is needed for him. But the first step is the cognitive behavioral therapy since he is not having major anxiety now. I have seen firsthand how medication can make a significant difference in people’s lives. JCH, thank you for sharing yourself and the things you have learned. And please feel free to share whatever details you would like to. This isn’t just about my son. This is about all of our missionaries who have to come home for medical reasons, but especially for emotional/mental ones. I did not realize there was a list of banned medications. That would be good to know before he gets started on something, if he does. He will be utilizing therapy first. It is too bad that some of the girls are so lacking in insight. There are so many wonderful men in our stake who have not served missions and they deserve the highest grades for who they are in their family relationships. And we are all on missions anyhow.
Take care JCH. Thank you for sharing.
Thank you everyone! And Roy, thank you for reaching out to that returned sister missionary. Maybe as each of us goes forward to encourage those returning we can help create a culture of appreciation and respect for these young ones who are trying so hard! My son is doing fairly well. For the most part, the majority of people have been kind or at least noninterfering. He has had one situation of being pressured to go back out and another person actually intervened and corrected the person doing the pressuring. One man made a point of telling him not to allow anyone to make him feel bad and indicated he had personal experience with this as well. The article Gerald linked to was very helpful to him, as well as advice others have given here.
He knows his family has circled the wagons around him and that he has our love and support to go forward. His siblings have been spending a lot of time with him.
I appreciate again the support that has been rendered here! My husband took time to read through the dialogue and we truly felt our burdens were addressed by all of you at a time when we felt very alone. I am so glad the discussion has already carried over to lift another’s burden.
Gerald, thank you for that link. I will definitely print that out for my son to read. I think it will help him quite a bit. Bridget_Night: How wise of your sons to know themselves so well and not to give in to the pressures of our culture to fake it through a mission.
He is running the gauntlet now as the word is getting out and he is running into people. He is getting better about saying his rehearsed answer to people who push beyond his answer. In one situation where there were a few people, another person chimed in and corrected the person who was being pushy. There is a lot of pressure now coming for him to go back.
We will be glad when this part of it is over and he is back in classes and working. This is another hard part. He stepped out of his classes and job. Now he has to find another job in this economy and wait for awhile for classes.
No word or reachout from the bishop. We’re a little disappointed with that.
To Silent Dawning: You are being very wise ahead of time for your son. To Be Like Christ: yes, it is church culture and it must make our Heavenly Parents weep.
To Ray: Thank you again! That is the verse my posting name is coming from but I didn’t think to present the verse to him that way and I will.
This is a hard experience. We are doing our best to help him step back into life. I pray he will continue to embrace the church and not walk away. He came home and changed the picture on our desktop to one of the Salt Lake Temple. I know his heart is right.
Thank you for the welcomes! Love the sense of humor coming through! We all need more of that! Silent Dawning, I have been following your comments for quite some time and we do think alike about some things! I am so happy I finally quit lurking and started interacting! :wave: And thank you Heber 13 and SamBee! I have really enjoyed reading your replies and the support has been just what I needed! Quote:The advice I offer is to help your son remember that the opinions and judgments of others are things he cannot control. It is none of their business why he did not complete a mission unless he decides to share his reasons.
Thank you! Exactly!
Quote:I was thinking about what I wrote to you yesterday and I realized how egocentric it was. For me the LDS church has become just one path of many to Christ. I might not leave the church over this issue but I would certainly let my son know that if it came down to a choice between the church or him, I would choose him every time. I can’t say that would be the “right” approach, even for my unique family and circumstance – but that is what I would likely do. It dawned on me that for you, making that kind of a decision could have a monumental impact on multiple lives and have spider-web impacts that could also be devastating.
Yes Roy, all of our inlaw children are converts and we want our family to have the good that can come from belonging and being engaged in the church. And we are in agreement, we do choose him. He has gone to an activity tonight at church so it will be interesting to hear how it went when he comes home. We practiced what he needs to say to people as they question him. A wise friend advised that he not give details because once people have details they feel they have the right to judge the situation.
We are also pointing out wonderful men throughout our stake who did not serve missions but are wonderful priesthood holders, husbands, fathers and servers. It was a good exercise to name them, because I had not realized how many of them there were. I wish we could have a day and have them stand up in front of their congregations and be commended. When that thing goes on from time to time where they ask all the men who served missions to please stand up so the young men can see their examples, I always feel a little sick to my stomach over all the wonderful men they are missing.
Quote:” I would share with your son the details of Pres. GA Smith’s life – of his constant physical trials and his struggles with depression and, probably, mania throughout his life. I would explain that Pres. GA Smith was one of the most loving, humble, charitable leaders we have had in the Church – and I believe his struggles were a large part of reinforcing his natural tendencies in that regard. If a President of the Church struggled as much as GA Smith did, there is NO shame or guilt whatsoever in your son’s situation.
I also would have him read 2 Nephi 4 from the perspective of a clinical evaluation of Nephi. I believe there is a very good chance Nephi would have been diagnosed with depression, bi-polar disorder or something similar, based on the symptoms in that chapter. That chapter is one of the reasons he is one of my favorite prophets – not because of his recorded visions. I appreciate the struggle described in that chapter FAR more than any sanitized accounts of other prophets. “
Thank you Ray! I had already shared about GA Smith, but had not thought about 2 Nephi 4. Will do that when I see him tonight. Thank you for your prayers! I’m hoping I have figured this quote thing out right.
🙂
