[Alex]

SilentDawning wrote:

Later, someone introduced me to him, he said “Hi” and then arrogantly walked away, so there was no conversation.

I have to confess, people can be jerks sometimes. It’s odd for this to happen twice in one week.

SD

A charitable interpretation could be that it was a picture of someone next to you….or something behind you? Maybe a fruit basket in the background that looked like a hat the way you were positioned, who knows (I’m just imagining some absurdity that didn’t have anything to do with you, per se.)

Having said that, I could never confront a stranger who is doing or just did something obnoxious. But if it was me, I would have inquired, “What’s up with the photo and why so funny?” And I have in similar instances many times….almost every time the explanation was not as I imagined. In other words, there was something going on unrelated to me or what I perceived. Whether it was truthful, I can’t say, but plausible and believable, yes.

One of the few things I remember from Sociology 101 is that we often wrongly perceive the way others perceive us. I’ve tried to remember that….sometimes it’s helpful, other times I’ll admit it’s difficult!

[Alex]

This was a really good blog post. I didn’t know what to expect when I read it, because I have my own feelings about “rescuing” inactive members. Namely, I wonder (and have said out loud during ward councils) if they really want to be rescued….or if they can really be compared to sheep that have wandered away unwillingly vs. by choice.)

So of all the great recommendations, I like “1. Be authentic.” If you really care about the person and want to be their friend, perhaps help them rediscover their testimony, approach it from that standpoint–rather than accept an assignment as a task to be checked off.

I admit, I also like the element of “2. Keep confidences.” I don’t think the inactive member expects their remarks, attitude, etc. to be shared in ward council or even with the bishop. If a person reaching out feels like it’s important to share, tell the inactive member and ask if it’s OK.

Thanks for sharing, it was a great set of ideas and recommendations.

[Alex]

SilentDawning wrote:

“When you share negative perceptions of your subordinates in front of others, and use slang such as ‘WHO IS THIS GUY’, I’m not sure it creates the kind of positive relationships the average manager would to have with the people they are leading…can you help understand why you chose that forum, and that language to make your point??”

Or, something short and direct 🙂 : “That kind of comment makes me wonder about who you are.”

Now, I know that might not go down well with one’s boss. But it’s not like you have a history of insubordination with her….and any type of defiant response is the last straw.

The other option is to speak privately with the person and say, “I need you to know that public questioning of my work ethic didn’t feel too positive for me. Is there an issue we need to talk about privately?” And if you are are really brave, you could make a reference to “hostile work place,” which might make her think twice again about trying to be funny or whatever.

[Alex]

I don’t have a profile and I don’t plan to create one. Our ward mission leader has asked us (the priesthood body as a whole) to create one, but I’m not going to. I’m somewhat of a public figure in our area and I want a separation of my private life from my public life; a public profile on Mormon.org would be conflated by many with my other public profile.

[Alex]

I agree that we make judgements in every moment of our lives–it’s unavoidable. We’re human, after all.

I do draw the line for myself–and in the conversations held in my home–when it comes to voicing criticism of another person by name for their looks, mannerisms, etc. or otherwise making fun of them behind their backs…don’t know if the judgmental issue was along those lines. Maybe that was the issue you/or your wife had with your daughter’s comments?

I try to emphasize that people are different….and we may just not understand them. When we start making comments to others about them in a negative way, it turns to gossip, builds resentment, and so forth. I try to not let myself do this–even though I want to a lot, lol!

I remind my kids, wife, and myself that either it’s something we don’t understand and should not dwell on it….or if there’s an issue with another person, we should tell them–not other people.

Still, it could be that your daughter is using someone else’s behavior or characteristic as an example to understand a question she has. It’s a good thing she feels comfortable addressing it with her parents. (See, another example of how I’m conflicted over so many things!)

[Alex]

Thanks to all who have greeted me–it’s appreciated!

At some point, on this forum or another, a book titled, “Believing Christ” by Robinson was recommended. It’s written by a member, but not an official LDS publication…the basic message is that God loves us and we simply can’t be perfect–we should try, but in the end, it will be His mercy and the atonement of Christ that saves us. It was was what I needed to hear and reflect on. Part of my issue is that even though I can say “no” and not blink, I’m not immune to the feelings of guilt for not doing more…but also don’t like how we sometimes make others feel guilt for not doing more. The focus needs to come back to Christ and the atonement.

I have a couple brothers that are no longer active. I always wondered how that was possible–well, now I think I see. I haven’t become inactive and don’t plan to, but it is a possibility. I left church after sacrament–I don’t have a calling right now and why can’t I make the choice? Besides, the sacrament talks were all given by the most, ahem, “interesting” (read: strange) members of our ward so I felt like I had sufficient Sunday services for one week My wife didn’t have a problem with it at all. She smiled and said, “See you at home!”

[Disclosure: She and I have had several talks this week about different things, including my testimony, and some of them were very tearful. She experienced major anxiety a few times this week because she felt I was also unhappy with our marriage, so it wasn’t all easy discussions with her. She is OK with my issues with Church and my feelings about the WoW, something that would never have–and hasn’t--gone down well before, because it’s minor compared with the possibility of me leaving her. I have assured her that I love her, which I do, but I am questioning everything. Unfortunately that has made her more open to my crisis of faith.]

There’s a lot about me and my experience, but I’ll save it for contributions of my perspectives in the forum threads. Plus I don’t know how I could write everything here in the Introductions….none of us could. I think my introduction gave a sense of where I’ve been and where I’m at now. So, again, thanks to everyone and I wish you find the answers you are seeking. Or at least the comfort you need to get along in this life.

[Alex]

My first post, so I promise to do a proper introduction on the right board!

I am a little conflicted about this topic, because I gave a talk in sacrament a few years ago about callings…one example I shared was that, obviously, I wouldn’t be called to be a pianist because I don’t play the instrument. So talents and fit for the calling have a role.

On the other hand, I served in the bishopric for several years until my recent release and very rarely did I feel that the callings were inspired. It was “this person is available and the PH/aux president requested them.” Yes, we prayed, but I almost never got any real prompt that it was right or wrong. I got the feeling from the other members of the bishopric that they didn’t have any real inspiration one way or the other, either.

Sometimes, especially with the Primary President, it was clear that she didn’t give any thought to whether the person was “right” for the calling OR that she sought inspiration. The bishop said he asked her on a couple occasions if she had done either, and the answer was “no.”

Also: We sometimes talk about callings and also “assignments,” which is a different bird. I hear some in PH leadership talk about them like it’s not an option to say no. Of course one can decline an assignment, but somehow it’s supposed to be different.

In Elder Eyring’s talk on Sunday, he spoke about how to have a happy marriage. Out of nowhere he throws in, “Accept all of the callings you receive.” It sounded out of place. While I don’t doubt he believes it, I’ve seen too many members accept the calling despite reservations and be unhappy or have it affect the happiness of their families. Maybe it comes down to faith and one’s attitude, I don’t know.

Alex

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