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My 2 cents.. “Forgiveness is giving up my right to hurt you because you hurt me.” This quote from Father Tim of the Mitford book series has always been in my mind and has helped me to forgive others.
The other thing I have learned through the years to try to put myself in the other person’s shoes and analyze what caused them to do that. For example, my husband has ADHD – which means that he is more likely to say things without thinking them through or how they impact others. It means I watch him do his best to speak lovingly and think about what he is really trying to say and ask helpful, supportive questions. It also means that he will say thoughtless things to me, and he is prone to swearing when frustrated. It means that I can love him and accept him where he is, and not get upset at the torrent of words. It means I can parse out my understanding of what he is probably trying to say, and ask questions to figure out what is going on. It means I can walk away when the words aren’t checked or he needs to swear at the computers. I don’t separate the consequences from his actions (I am not as loving when he is being unloving in his words, I will walk away when I deem it necessary), nor do I dwell on what he does not have the capacity to do.
In raising children (especially 1 with ADHD and probable Asperger’s Autism), I am seeing what can happen when a person becomes dys-regulated – when the coping mechanisms do not work at the same level that a traditional person’s coping mechanisms work at that age. We focus on consequences of behavior (good and bad), and how to re-regulate, get back into carrying on with life. If anything, our family views consequences as more neutral and transparent, not less.
Heber13 wrote:3) Skip church more often
This past week…I chose #3 again. I found no negativity on my sabbath.
😆 I can honestly say the same. I worked really hard on Saturday to get stuff done because my husband was sick. Sunday morning, he can’t go, and I am feeling really anxious about corralling 2 girls at church (and just in general), so we all stayed home. I got a good long nap in when the baby was sleeping, and then just played with my daughters while my husband recovered.
I took the 2 girls to visit their adopted grandma (and my VT companion), and we had a good long visit. She loved having the kids in her house, and I loved the chance to keep an easier eye on the baby in company.
In our branch, I have brought my 2 children to several R.S. branch activities. I asked the R.S. president beforehand, and she has always been gracious but surprised I asked. My DH is a stay-at-home dad with chronic health problems, so sometimes Saturday afternoon R.S. activities would mean I would not get as much time with my children (7.5 and 11 months old), and her compassion towards them and myself has been one of my “tender mercies”. In the last 6 months I came to the realization that I was more “broken” then I thought I was due to the responsibilities I was choosing to undertake. I used to tell myself, “That which is is brittle – breaks.” hoping that some of the broken pieces were things I no longer needed. I am coming to understand that when a person is “broken” in one area or another, they are going through the stages of grief regarding that area. For me, I felt most vulnerable and “broken” when I realized that I could no longer handle the load of responsibilities I was carrying with the capacity I had available. There was an element of “Denial” for about 3 months (I’ve got this – it’s just temporary, it’s not too bad), “Anger” (both for myself for failing, and for other people because they required more of me then I could give [or just existed]), “Bargaining” (If I take a bath today I will feel better and it will go away), “Depression” in the sense of mourning/sad that my expectations did not match reality, and finally acceptance.
Through the process, I came to realize that I wasn’t mentally invincible – and that was ok. I could be kinder to myself as I worked on identifying better expectations of myself. I also came to realize that there was a huge hormonal component I could do very little about (the female body transition from pregnant to non-pregnant in terms of hormones does not and should not happen overnight) – and that was ok. I could set up more effective coping mechanisms and try to redirect my thoughts when they became dark and overwhelming. I got to know my limitations a little better – and is good. Since then, I am talking to people about anxiety, and finding that it is almost as universal as the love for chocolate – new friends to bond with.
SilentDawning wrote:But with the spouse, that is the problem. Coming out can really hurt your marriage in the long run
For me, the marriage is more important than the discomfort of being compliant or outwardly observant. So, I don’t give honest, blunt expressions about my church problems to my wife. It upsets her, but she is OK if I go to church, do my calling and try to be supportive. So, I don’t talk about it with her.
The irony is that my husband is now TBM (including being more devout), and I am… more authentic? more thoughtful? Life gets interesting now because I know that he can’t share my questions or understand where I am coming from in my thoughts – not that he doesn’t want to, I just know it doesn’t make sense to him.
SilentDawning wrote:Also, the leaders who interview for TR’s don’t have this massive discernment they sometimes claim. I think all they have is their empathy (and many lack it entirely) to read emotions. So, if you are relaxed and not obviously shaken in answering “yes” to questions about belief you should be fine.
Also, I think many leaders would like to be spared opening a can of worms when you are nakedly blunt about your feelings. They might feel they have to take your TR away simply due to your wording or the rawness of your feelings right now, but if they knew you felt that way, but answered Yes to the TR questions, might be relieved they didn’t have to open that can of worms.
I agree. It actually made me feel a little better to read this in black and white.
I agree that some forms of inspiration are individually tailored form God, some are lucky coincidences, and some are just a certain pattern of hopeful thoughts and feelings. Unfortunately, in order to dissect out which one is which (if they can be segregated), you would have to understand everything about a person’s individual plan in order to define “successful”.
A few years ago I knew that we were supposed to add to our family – this was inspiration for both husband and myself. So we worked it out and prepared for it – only to have a miscarriage. God helped me through it – and I reached out to people who could help me through the process.
According to what we knew, we were not “successful” – there was no baby, therefore there was no inspiration. I remember praying through my tears and wondering what was next, and asking if God was aware we had gone a 180 degrees from “the plan”. I was not bitter, just woefully confused. I am still confused, but am at peace with the situation enough to realize that it might have been part of God’s plan for us, or it might have been a detour we went through because of mortal physical circumstances.
But if “success” is defined by letting us have an experience that softened our hearts, made us more compassionate towards others and drew others to us in our sorrow, then that was “success” – and that might have been the plan God had all along…
[P.S. When the confusion died down we had our rainbow baby we named Terra. So that chapter of my life has a happier ending
Minyan Man wrote:
Do we really need a new program? IMO, we need members who can show empathy, sensitivity & compassion. HT’s & VT’s who are willing to listen instead of talk.
This is my new goal. I will work with the R.S. to get a list of Visit Teachees that I can honestly relate to and who want me to be there to listen to them. They recently gave me a companion and a smaller, more realistic list – which is good. A sister moved into our ward that needs me as her Visiting Teacher, so I visit her and I let the R.S. Presidency know I visit her. If they want to update their records to reflect that I am taking care of this sister, then that is fine with me
I know they don’t want people visiting each other because most people don’t step out of their comfort zones to get to know new people. I can respect that, while recognizing that for me, talking to anyone is a step out of my preferred zone – yet I work as a help desk person full-time, have 2 kids, and talk to people….
I feel like this is becoming my ward:) Honestly, I wish I had found this site 5 years ago when we were deviants in a larger family ward – they didn’t know what to do with us, and my DH did not like the people. We were only there for 10 months though, which might have been part of it.
LookingHard wrote:I feel for you AmyJ. I don’t know what I can do to help, but I do hope you find how to find a bit more peace.
Thank you
:wave: At times I am not sure what would be helpful. This board has been helpful so far because it reminds me I am not alone in being a divergent thinker.
To a certain extent, I am adapting this level of anxiety as my “new normal”. Children are very anxiety-inducing, and we spaced ours out for maximum worry phases (We will have a 6 year old and a teenager at the same time… and a 13 year old and a 19 year old at the same time…mind-boggling.]
At the end of the day, I think I am looking for the Lord’s peace throughout my life. To me, his peace is little pockets of calmness throughout the day – the way that chocolate chips are sprinkled throughout a chocolate chip cookie. [No disrespect intended by the triteness of the example.] I think most people could compare it to a golden thread in a woven cloth.
I have a series of filters that kick in reminding me of the consequences of saying the things that come to mind – and doing a cost/benefit impromptu analysis. If I can get out of the situation that made me angry, then I try to regroup. Most of the time, I will come to the conclusion that my anger is either a) frustration with the circumstance/people – ergo, can I change the circumstance? b) anxiety/fear for how the future is going to play out – so how do I chance the situation for the best benefit for all? [All this is a fancy way of saying that some of it gets shoved in the back of the sock drawer with the moldy towels…]
At random intervals I will have a complete cry-out where I bawl my eyes out and give a plausible impression of the flood from Noah’s ark. I feel much better for the experience, but hate that I had to go through it – especially if others are present and saw it. In the last 20 years, I have gotten to the point where I don’t feel shameful for the loss of control that the cry-out caused. But most non-Aspie’s tell me that it didn’t take them 20 years to figure that out.
:crazy: My 7.5 year old daughter is refining her art of pushing my buttons. I bite my tongue a lot, raise my voice more than I should, and probably give in to her more than I should. I have walked away from her meltdowns at least once because I could tell I was going to lose my temper with her and wander into the realm of disciplining without teaching.
*Background*My mother had paralyzing bouts of depression growing up. There were 9 of us, and both of my parents were only children who pretty much raised themselves outside of the church. Us children were BIC. My parents lives were incredibly overwhelming, so on many levels I became a 3rd parent. But my father and I knew easily 8 years before my mom admitted it that she had major depression and it left a HUGE impact on my life – a blessing and a curse at the same time. I swore up, down and sideways to myself that I WAS NEVER going to deal with depression – and that if I encountered it, I was going to beat it into submission. I have come to peace with those circumstances (as much as I can at each stage in my life), and I believe I am a more polished, deeper thinker, patient person because of those experiences.
*Post*If you have read my intro describing the last 2 years, you have a glance into the craziness that has been my life. There have been many blessings, a few “tender mercies”, and some interesting coincidences.
But in the last 2 years I have been learning more about Depression’s active twin sister – Anxiety. I have learned that there are things about my body that I cannot control – I can control my reaction to them to a certain extent (homegrown CBT therapy), and I can develop better coping mechanisms (part of learning and acknowledging my limitations has been helpful), but the bottom line was I CANNOT VANQUISH the Anxiety. It will go into “remission” for lack of a better term as I apply CBT principles in my thinking, recognize my limitations, lean on my support group, sleep, eat and take medication as needed. But the innocence I had regarding depression “never happening to me – not really” is now shattered.
I was about 2 months out from the worst of it when I took an anxiety test in a counselor’s office – and I still tested as “Severely Anxious”. So, it is a work in progress. [Hilarious side note: During the testing, I was feeling a lot better and thinking that I could “handle” the anxiety so much that I should think about not being there in the counselor’s office.]
*Things I have learned*1. Cleaning is a helpful way to channel anxiety, but is likely to drive spouses nuts.[Quasi-kidding]
2.
Peace and Anxiety are opposite ends of the spectrum.Sometimes I can choose whether I want to choose peace or choose to act on my anxiety. 3.
The Lord’s peace is available to and tailored for someone like me.“Peace I give unto you.” 4.
The Lord’s peace will not look like the World’s peace.“Not as the world giveth, give I unto you.” I am not entirely certain what the difference is, I can take comfort in knowing that it won’t look like what the world says is peace. I think so far it means looking inward, listening to what my body/spirit is saying, what impressions I get from God, and prioritizing my purposes. I think it means talking to people like Job did, but having the strength/wisdom to let them do their thing without malice. Heber, I have a theory.
I am likely to be an Aspie, which means my brain wiring is wired to enjoy and need solitude. However, I grew up as the oldest of 9, was very vocal, very black & white thinking, and learned how to talk to people through my “advocate” (feeling) desire to better their lives. My mom says that she has always seen me on the sidelines of social events, and that she would picture me the happiest living in a monastery actually (solitude + purpose).
It has been in the last 2 years that I was willing to admit to myself that there was an emotional cost involved personally in talking to people, and that maybe I can be a “good” person both in society and LDS culture without having to talk to everyone
😯 I am working on making what I say meaningful, precise, short, and blessing the lives of others. It’s a very, very, very long process
🙂 Pulling up a rather old post… INFJ here (the advocate) – though I have tested as ISFJ (the defender). I can see INTJ (the logician) as well at times.
I used to be on the line between extrovert/introvert, but as life gets crazier I become more introverted in my testing.
Introverted – 70%
Intuitive – 53%
Feeling – 60%
Judging – 82%
We can’t fast in our family (on medications requiring food and water), so my husband has started giving up other things for a fasting period instead, usually video games. I know that it is different on days that he is “fasting”, but I don’t know if it is just a natural cause/effect thing, or if he is a better person because he is fasting. Old Timer wrote:
I loved the recognition that she was judging others toward whom she was mad for judging her.“We love him, because he first loved us,” is a powerful concept. It is not easy – even excruciating, in some cases, to love first and continue to love in a way that makes long-suffering a real thing, but truly striving to understand without anger, condemnation and judgment is transformative. We talk here about wanting to be accepted for who we are, and it is crucial to try to find a way to do that for others first and regardless of whether or not they ever reciprocate our acceptance.
I am working on this with my 7.5 year old daughter. I want to show her love, at the same time help guide her into making choices that will preserve her future happiness and security. Right now, those choices are easy (but hard on parents) – she falls into a meltdown over chores being assigned to her, she says she “doesn’t love me” and wishes “I wasn’t there to make her do chores”. I am learning to translate her childish “I hate you” into “I feel hate for you because you are pushing me to complete responsibilities I don’t want to/am not ready to complete”. And we go over the chores again, helping her break it down into smaller tasks, reminding her of both the positive and negative consequences involved with completing her assignment, and not infrequently getting down into the chores with her and working side by side (when this happens, we “drift” into working on my chores side by side as well). We also take 5 minutes to do something else before working on the chores again.
The older I get, the more I understand in small measure what it feels like to have that love applied in my life. How many times does He say, “Ok, let’s take a break/rest – I will give you peace.” Or “I don’t expect you to be complete in this area, why don’t we focus on this one task first…”
Different take on same theme – as mothers, we usually wind up loving our children first because they grow out of us (and this is a challenge that all new mothers face and work through on an individual basis – hormones usually help us, but not always). Could the priesthood division be given the way it is because by physically producing children, we are practicing this principle, and the true meaning behind the priesthood service is to learn this principle through loving (and serving) others?
