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Thanks for the response, Heber13. I appreciated your summary of the ways to view things. My husband is more TBM than I am, and it shows periodically. Most of the time it is slight horror/embarrassment at the things I think or say – but I don’t fight about it if he doesn’t.
I think next time they ask me for a calling, I will tell them I will “sleep on it” – and give it serious consideration.
SilentDawning wrote:
For some of us — Life is what happens to you while you’re busy making other plans — John Lennon.
Growing up my dad always said, “If there are 2 ways of doing things, Amy will find the third way.”
So I expected a certain amount of dissidence between my expectations and reality. About 5 years ago I stopped trying to have long-term expectations because it wasn’t working out…
I did not expect to be a sole income bread winner. But my husband is a very talented cook with a low-salt diet that I can’t cook for.
I did not expect to have only 2 children – or be intimidated by those 2 children (and 1 of them is only 11 months!). Actually, the responsibility is intimidating… Yet both of my daughters are priceless to me, and bring me a lot of joy (and confusion, and pain).
I also did not expect to have a miscarriage. My mom had babies left, right and center easily – and I got pregnant with our first child within months when it was expected that it would take a year or so…. And yet, I can now mourn with those that mourn on that level.
Growing up in a household with Major Depression, I thought I knew enough to handle mental illnesses/brain diversity (I laugh out loud when I compare then to now…)
I did not ever expect to “break” or feel out of control anxiety, yet that happened. I trust that good will be or can be fashioned out if it…
I did not ever expect to leave the state of California…. but I feel much more at home in Michigan.
I guess for me, my core identity crisis came first, and I am re-evaluating what needs to be put back on the shelf 
Thanks for the feedback! Honestly, I think it is just a general identity crisis.
For the last 6 months, I realized that some part of my spirit “broke” – I wasn’t the same person that I used to be. I was very anxious and insecure (I always had been, but thought it had scabbed over and I was “fine”). Now I know a few things about being “broke” – “that which is brittle…breaks” and I know the Lord works through and with “broken” things and people – but that had never been me to the degree it was now. I found a SSRI that takes the edge off (going to a higher dose just made the anxiety worse), and I have been going to counseling. I have been working on letting my husband in/relying on him (hard to do because I tend to handle my emotions on my own and I didn’t want to burden him with my loads when he was already carrying so much and needed my help). I have a strong support group that I can vent to. We are trying to eat better (low sodium diet and all that), and I work very very hard at balancing the chores I do around the house with the time I spend with my children and family. I pray and meditate about scriptures – I have learned that in terms of thought processes, anxiety and peace are opposite each other. My counselor says that she thinks they are the opposite ends of a spectrum – which I can see. But what has helped me with my anxiety recently has been thinking, “I can choose peace or anxiety – which one do I really want here?”. I also quote Christ’s scriptural promise, “Peace I leave with you. My peace I give unto you. Not as the world giveth, give I unto you.” a lot when looking for the peace I seem to be craving.
3 months into my “brokenness” – we learned that the Asperger’s Autism description had reason to be considered for my daughter. So, I started researching for her – and found myself looking in a mirror. I am considering getting a professional diagnosis, but I am still learning a lot about this description and how it applies to me. I can’t help wonder “why now” – why when I am broken am I given this knowledge that can help me “recover” – even though that word does not do justice to the situation either. I guess I am hopeful that as I changed in the face of circumstances, that a new, improved, hardier me will emerge…
I am hopeful that as I read different posts and thoughts that I will learn what I need to know and do.
Hello, Thank you so far…
NOTES: I work full-time while my husband is a stay at home dad. He has chronic health problems, and I have the better education level and career potential (barely – we mostly hold it together financially more or less).
Actually I forgot the last 2 years story…. (it has cliff hanger moments):
Dec 2014 – Spiritual confirmation for both of us that we are supposed to have a second child. I have known this for several years, and he has resisted it just as strongly for several years. I let him and God figure it out, not my place when I have my own confirmation. We try to schedule it around my then-current job so that I plan to give birth Jan 2016 during the light season. This means off birth control March 2015.
March 2015 – I come off birth control the day before my employer tells us that the facility is closing and we are all losing our jobs in 3 months. Stunned silence. Eventually we realize this has good potential, we put our house on the market and realize we are moving out of California. A friend says, “Come to Michigan, you’ll love it here”. We pray and God says “Yes”. I start feeling like I am pregnant because that is what my body does when withdrawing from birth control (Great fun).
May 2015 – Our house sells for the amount we needed the day before our stuff went into storage.
June 2015 – We found out I am pregnant. I am seriously job hunting and we are praying – but we have Plan B.
July 2015 – I find a job at the right time with the minimum amount we need. We find our branch in Michigan.
August 2015 – We buy our house – the only house at our price point is in the branch boundaries. I check back in a week, and there are no other houses at our price point that match what we need outside of the branch boundaries.
September 2015 – We find out that the baby I thought I was carrying, hadn’t actually formed. There is no baby, even though my body thought there was. We work through it?
November 2015 – My body finally purges the last of the pregnancy. I am trying to be a good employee but my job is not what I thought it was.
January 2016 – We finally become pregnant.
February 2016 – My husband starts having what appears to be chronic earaches and sinus infections. His headaches are either more serious, or he is finally to the point where more research with doctors is needed.
March 2016 – My husband starts medication for his ADHD (Yay!)
*From March 2016 to August 2016 my husband has serious inner ear issues – he winds up with days of nausea and headaches, vertigo, etc. I start having anxiety attacks periodically.
July 2016 – DH is diagnosed with Migraines, and starts taking Migraine medication. We are still looking into other health issues of his.
August 31 2016 – Our baby girl is born at home. I did not realize where I was in the process, so missed out on going to the hospital. I figured I had 4 hours to 1 day left of labor up until my water broke. Then I got the luxury of about 7-10 minutes. My first child was delivered after a few days of early labor, and 20 hours of hospital labor… so my mantra was “I’ve got time…”.
I caught our second daughter in our bathroom. The Ambulance came and we spent the next 2 days at the hospital – she was perfect, I was torn (she decided to come out quickly) and loss a lot of blood. On the one hand, I was able to have a “natural” (non-medicated) childbirth like I wanted. My husband has a few more grey hairs, and healthier respect for my pain threshold.
Winter 2016 was very hard for us. My first daughter fell in love with our baby, but resented us for having a 2nd child. My husband was chronically ill a lot, and it was all he could do to watch the baby, catch the oldest off the bus. On a good day he was able to do some chores, and about half the time he made dinner. I was trying to balance their needs, the needs of the baby (I was breastfeeding at the time), and my own limitations. Thankfully I didn’t have a calling at the time. The branch was supportive, they always asked about my husband. We missed quite a few Sundays during that time, but it seemed OK. I was so tense, I needed to clean everything, and I snapped at my family a lot. It didn’t occur to me that I needed help – it was stressful, but “I’ve got this…”. I also was ashamed to ask for help cleaning my house or babysitting a lot because we only have 2 kids, and my husband stays at home… so “we’ve got this”…
November 2016 – I am put on notice at work. I shape up my lax ways and realize that I am not cut out for the technical software side of my job. However, I am put on assignment for Help Desk, and that I am decent at. I try to let more slide, and DH takes on more as he can.
January 2017 – I start realizing I may not have it all together. I start researching SSRI’s (I had never needed them… until I did.)
March 2017 – We finally have a diagnosis of Meniere’s Disease for the vertigo/dizziness and other symptoms. It’s when your body stores too much fluid in your ears. There is no “cure” – there is just frightening things like hearing loss, more vertigo/dizziness etc. The lifelong “adaptation” is a water pill and low sodium diet. The branch issues a calling of Branch Executive Secretary for my husband, and R.S. Service Coordinator for me. We are then home from church for the next month due to sicknesses (I cannot trust DH to just take our older daughter and go to church. We go as a family, or I take the girls and deal with the looks of “is my husband going inactive” or “how sick is he”.)
March 2017 – I break down at my OB-GYN’s office and she gives me a prescription for an SSRI. I get an appointment with my new family doctor (whose’s staff unscheduled me in February because I was a “new patient” and needed bloodwork done before he would see me.) He gives some good advice, and switches the SSRI to one that has worked in my family.
May 2017 – I start counseling to try to address my anxiety. DH starts feeling better. DD#1 is now 7.5 years old and acting at the age where rebellion starts. Also officially diagnosed with ADHD/NVLD (Non-Verbal Learning Disorder – basically the person is led through life on words. If it is not said, it does not exist. If it is not processed as words, it does not exist. She got that from me.) with a rule-out diagnosis of Asperger’s Autism (she is a “little professor” who obsesses with turtles, stuffed animals, kitties, and has serious issues with breaks in routine if she notices them).
June 2017 – DH starts the calling as Executive Branch Secretary. He does this spiritual 180 degree thing – we start prayers, family scripture study, working on forming a genuine relationship with God by “obeying the rules” etc. I did not see this coming.
They role out the “Self Reliance” program for the stake – I work through social anxiety to be at the kick-off meeting, sign up – and then have to take care of my family commitments for the next month instead of being there.
Since then I have figured out for myself that I do have Asperger’s Autism (very likely), and I am fairly certain she does as well. I need to go back to school to get a higher degree, so I can get a better job. I have no idea what I want to do, and the ideas I was spit-balling don’t seem to be actually plausible. I still handle some chores at home, and I still work full-time. We don’t have the luxury of take-out or frozen food anymore. I was a 4.0 high school student who sent to seminary all the time. I had the grades for a 4 year university, but didn’t have the money. I didn’t know how to get a job during high school, and I wasn’t great at it coming back from the mission (better – but not great). At this point, I am convinced that I got this job because a) I felt pregnant, and few things stop momma bear love b) I looked good on paper and interviewed decently.
I have no idea why I found out about Asperger’s now – but it helps me look at myself. I just have to trust that in time (and hard work and smart thinking), either everything will work out, or I will have a better idea of what doesn’t work.
I am working on an Aspie diagnosis for myself. I am female, and served an 18 month stateside proselyting mission about 15 years ago. It was the right call (no pun intended) for me. I learned quite a few social skills, and my testimony of God was strengthened. I believe that the mission field was a better place because I was there – even in my Aspie-ness. I understand why I was not described as having Asperger’s Autism then, and why more people (male and female) are being described as matching those characteristics now – but I feel that with more information being presented about each person means that greater care needs to be taken in placing them in the field – and not just automatically “un-assigning” them from proselyting missions. Hello, I am currently a reflexive self-diagnosed Aspie. Being a church member provided a culture of stability growing up (I grew up in the church), but I was lucky enough to grow up with a dad (also likely Aspie) who explained a lot of the “Stay In Church” points to me as a teenager and helped me to start sorting out what was cultural, and was important doctrine for me. My family was the “odd one out” at church – there were 9 of us kids, and we are all unique thinkers. My parents were very poor sheep, who went through several FC’s, but managed to stay active or return to activity.
Part of my self-diagnosis is looking at the influential good LDS examples I had who supported me, and mentally face-palming when I was too exclusive/orthodox.
I am very curious about what will be segregated as part of the spirit, and what will turn out to be brain chemistry. There are so many questions…
