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Thank you everyone for your words of encouragement. I love my wife more than anything, and it really hurts me to see her so disappointed in my situation. She is the best thing that has happened to me. A lot of my reasoning to stay in the Church was because of her. The Church is important to her; she’s a convert who still has a very strained relationship with her evangelical mother because she joined. It also served as a anchor to me in my youth, and I think it’s important for children to have a spiritual foundation. I also really hoped that I could find the spirit and happiness that the Church once brought to my life, because I loved it. I certainly hope that I don’t sound anti-LDS. I have concerns and problems, but I love the idea of the Church. I agree and love 95% of it. It’s just that pesky 5% that seems to be dragging me down.
I once found peace and happiness within its figurative walls. I would like to find that peace again. But every time I get close to feeling that way again, my mind says “what about x?” or “remember y?”
I think there are some wise words of council from all of you.
I think I’ll sit down with her and discuss my concerns. It may be that after a discussion that I will renew my recommend to give her peace of mind, even if I don’t plan on going. Or it may be that she understands my concerns and is willing to grant me some space and time that I think I need. Either way, wish me luck everyone!!
Utah County, I’m new here as well. I stumbled on this site a couple of weeks ago by accident, and I have to say that I love it.
Your story reflects my own. Xth generation Mormon, Returned missionary, BYU grad, lived in Utah county etc etc. I started examining Joseph Smith and began to wonder how God could call a man who had sexual relations with other women, was a treasure seeker etc etc. It’s a really spiritual and emotion roller coaster when you begin to doubt everything that you’ve been taught since you were little. As we learned when we were missionaries, everything rides on Joseph Smith…his vision, his testimony of the nature of God, his word about the Book of Mormon. But what happens when you realize that the man was defiantly no the shining pillar of righteous might that Sunday school makes him out to be? When in many cases he seems to be exactly the opposite?
Are we going to hell for not believing? Are there spots in the celestial kingdom for Mormons who don’t believe in Joseph Smith?
These are questions that I’ve had, and I assume that you’ve had as well.
I personally find it comforting to know that there are people out there who feel the same way, and who are trying to find answers to these questions as well…questions that cannot just be answered by prayer, scripture study and temple attendance.
Welcome to the group. I hope we can all find the answers together!
It is interesting to hear differing opinions. I started having doubts about the Church a few years ago during the first year of my marriage and my last two years at BYU. My wife was crushed when I told her I no longer thought the church was true. It was a painful and emotional time for both of us. I stopped going to church regularly, although I had to go because my Bishop was a stickler about attending church to get the ecclesiastical endorsement that allowed me to go to school. So for two years I sat through religion classes and sunday school classes and picked apart everything in them. The issue of leaving the church (which I seriously considered doing after I graduated) fell to the side, and I finally just grew complacent about the church and realized that I will probably stay marginally active for the rest of my life, if only to give my children (I have none as of yet) a good moral and spiritual foundation that served me when I was younger.
I renewed my Temple recommend two years ago, mostly out of habit than out of actually wanting to go, and there was about a year long dry spell where I did not go to the Temple at all, despite living about 3 blocks from the Provo Temple.
I decided to go again because my wife’s father had been dead long enough to have his Temple work done, and she wanted me to stand in proxy for him. I figured that it couldn’t hurt, and might actually do some good for me.
I admit that the baptism and washings did not bother me so much. I actually enjoyed the baptism. But when we went to do the endowments, I was shocked and appalled. I won’t go into detail to avoid offending anyone, but I have to be frank…the temple clothes, the prayer circle, and the ceremony itself really unnerved me. I remember thinking “what happened to faith in Jesus Christ, repentance, baptism, the gift of the HG and enduring to the end?” Toss in the proper Priesthood authority and you have the perfect recipe for exaltation. All of the sudden I realized that the simplicity of the Gospel was tossed out the window.
I told myself that I wasn’t going back, at least for a long time. As I said before, I’ve really enjoyed Church in Ireland. The Saints here are faithful and have very strong testimonies…most are first generation members who have been disowned by their Catholic families. I’ve felt the spirit here for the first time in almost a year, and I have a calling in the ward. My wife couldn’t be happier.
But when I think about going back to the Temple, it makes me queasy. My wife asked me the other day if I planned on getting my recommend renewed (I had expressed my doubts about it shortly after my last temple experience) probably hoping that I would say “Of course, dear! Why wouldn’t I?” What I said was “We’ll see when we get to that point.” Mainly in an effort to buy time. I knew she wasn’t satisfied, but she didn’t pursue it.
Anyway, I think my wife wants everything to be back the way it was before my doubts and loss of faith. She mentioned the desire to travel to England and attend the Temple and how nice it would be for me to be with her. I think in her mind it’s more the principle of the thing. Good members have Temple recommends, and if i get one it will be another step on my road back toward the beaten path.
As I said before, I am enjoying MUCH more now than I have in literally years. I wish I could just separate the Temple from everything else…make it possible to be a good member with faith in Jesus Christ without having to go and participate in “sacred” and secret rituals.
