[Awakening]

NewLight wrote:

Definitely do it – it’s part of our LDS culture and is a great symbol of simply making a decision to follow in Christ’s footsteps. All bishops who truly care want fathers to fill that role.

I am Awakening’s brother and went to the baptism for her twins – it was very nice and lacked the fear and orthodoxy that I have seen at times in other baptisms. Even though the member of the bishopric gave the “just remember, it’s all true” talk at the end, to me, that wasn’t even that big of a deal. The other talks and even the confirmation blessings that were given were more about being Christlike in our actions. Besides, the boys were so active that day, I can’t think they heard much of that talk.

Thanks Bro. Newlight! I should have pointed out that the “just remember, it’s all true” statement really wasn’t a big deal. I winked at the other mother getting her child baptized! The boys had a great experience…..we all did! ;o)

[Awakening]

FYI…my hubby’s TR was expired and he had no problem. Baptism was fine. Also the other family member who baptized his child at the same time … his recommend was also expired. We are from different wards

[Awakening]

Just finally reading this post. How is it going? I am the “wife” who was not the one starting this FC. My advice is SLOW too! Podcasts are good as well as things that really have happened coming from a prophet”s mouth! The letter written about the blacks in Cuba was big eye opener to me. I began to humanize these men. Hope all is going well with you two!

[Awakening]

Hi Startpoor,

I am sorry for what you are going through right now! I was TBM and my hubby had his FC first. Sadly it took me awhile to come around but boy have I come around now. Fortunately I have had the support of siblings and my husband as we work through this together now. I must confess I was devastated initially. I wish I could talk to all those spouses who are like I was. How precious marriage and family although FC can shake everything up so much and the despair can be awful.

OK…..We have baptized our children (twins) and this started approaching when my FC was only barely beginning. I worried initially about my husband FC and his worthiness, willingness, heart being into, etc. when our sons were approaching their baptismal date. Fortunately another family member also going through FC with a child 6 months younger was also facing the baptism and yes, we both have sides of our families who would definitely not understand and we are not completely open and honest with those members. We decided to hold our own family baptism. We waited for the other child to turn 8 and then had it together on a different date than the stake baptism. It was beautiful, very personal. The only glitch happened at the end when the member of the ward who had to attend stood up and told the boys to remember that every single thing we tell you is absolutely true! YIKES!!!!

We have since moved out of state with another child turning 8 last summer. Again, the same family member who is also experiencing FC has a child turning 8 next month so we will again do the baptism together. I have come along way since then. I am no longer in denial about all the issues that are out there regarding our church. I know the ugly truth about them now. You know all that “anti Mormon” stuff! <----I'm being a bit sarcastic because that is what I truly believed at first and wouldn't even allow myself to be exposed. I have to confess that honestly I don't know what I really believe about the baptism but I am comfortable with it because my FC does not include not believing in Jesus Christ. Baptism has great symbolism but I for sure do not want my children to feel the kind of pressure of now feeling guilty or ashamed if they still make mistakes that we all know we will all do for always on this earth! We are taking a different approach and using the symbolism in a far more relaxed way. If that makes sense. We committed to from now on beginning with our twins, attend every interview our bishop does with our children. I don't send them off to the dentist of Dr. without being there and even though I loved our bishop and completely trust him I want to know first hand what is said so I am able to address any concerns or disagreements etc with my children. The baptism interview was very simple and sweet. Each boy went in without the other but mom was quietly sitting in the room. (Dad was out of town.) I understand totally the feelings of how the gospel is being taught to our children. We have stepped back quite a bit while we continue to figure out how we will go forward. Believe me, he will be just fine in his interview. Go be with him. It’s very precious. You know, DBMormon on this website was a bishop and could tell you specifically what questions will be asked and even your primary president can tell you that. It seems like a lot of your stress is also coming from the lack of unity you probably feel with your spouse right now. It is so hard to not be on the same page somewhere. Most of us didn’t go looking for our FC’s. It’s shocking, depressing and devasting to go through. I am so amazed at the people that go through this from the get go together! How lucky they are to have each other to talk to and bounce thoughts off of. + As far as other family members go…maybe you can be prepared with a short statement and a way to change the subject. After all the day is about your child’s baptism not your FC so maybe you will be able to let others know you would like to keep the conversation in that area. I don’t know if any of this helps, but hopefully it helps to just know that there really are many others (probably in your own ward too!) that understand how you feel. We are here for you!

[Awakening]

mom3 wrote:

Ray got here before I did :wave: .

I do see one large hopeful positive out of this – Maybe/ I am praying mightily/that today’s announcement will help families in Utah and Idaho to stop throwing their LGBT kids and family out. This is a huge crime against humanity in my mind and it breaks my heart that it happens in our religious community by active members of our faith.

I am very sad to report (living in Utah until 7 months ago, that this is TRULY a big problem. I can’t believe how many people do this. I have been so surprised at people’s torn response to their OWN children and the way they feel the church is looking on this. On the flip side, :clap: :clap: to those who stand with their family!

[Awakening]

LookingHard wrote:

I do find it frustrating that changes feel like tons of pressure make a fraction of an inch of change. Then many say “look how great our leaders are and all those incorrectly pushing for change are just going about things the wrong way”. This is when it seems so obvious it was the pressure that caused the change! grrrr

Yes! It would be nice to see a little more integrity and courage…..making those changes in the first place because it is the right thing to do!

[Awakening]

early 50’s

[Awakening]

jeff wrote:

Now I am struggling to not lose my marriage and family with all of this!! My wife remains with conviction, even though she struggles mightily with polygamy and even though Joseph Smith was in fact an adulterer!! She feels that she can longer come to me for a blessing even though I think I am just as worthy as anyone else. Especially given the fact that it isn’t real, but also as far as the church is concerned, I am an ordained Elder and in good standing. I don’t know how to or even if I should discuss this with my kids. My youngest son will be 16 in May and expecting me to ordain him a Priest. Ultimately, I would prefer to leave the church, but only if I could take my family with me. If I can’t do that (and it would only be possible if my wife believed as I do) than I wish to find a middle ground as the article recommends and only if I am “fully” in the door… meaning… temple recommend, being able to perform Priesthood blessings/ordinations etc. I will not let the church separate me weddings, ordinations etc. My wife has told me that she doesn’t feel like she could come to me for a blessing because she doesn’t feel like there can be a middle ground (like this essay suggests.) She says, “You can’t pick and choose.” (Even though the vast majority of church members already do pick and choose. Whether how they pay tithing, obey word of wisdom, being honest with fellow man, keep Sabbath Day holy etc.)

I am unsure how I move forward…. Most of our discussions (with my wife) about this usually end up in arguments and that she is devastated and not getting what she has always hoped for. I try and avoid talking about it altogether but that doesn’t really help either. Especially when kids ask questions about the church, JS etc, or hearing that we should sign up for tithing settlement or when we are constantly being encouraged to go to the temple etc. I really am stuck here. Sometimes I wish I would have never come to know the truth and just remained in a state of faith. Albeit, a state of faith and false hope.

Oh Jeff, as I read your post it really resonated with me! I am much like your wife! Or at least was! My hubby found out some things quite by accident and when he came to me with his new knowledge I was completely unable to embrace any of it and was defensive too! It was a process for me to unravel what was really going on in our church. We have both been born and raised LDS and very active and involved members. He was an RM and we were married in the temple when he came home. We held many leadership positions over the years and lived very orthodox which is easy to do when you live in Utah especially Utah County some of the time. I was very threatened and defensive and completely devastated. If I can help you in anyway understand your wife, I would be happy to.

I do want you to know that this whole process is a journey and you will experience all kinds of emotions from anger to despair even hopelessness and desperation. However, please don’t give up and let yourself learn and be open and feel. I am at a place now that a year ago I would have NEVER thought I would be back then. My husband and I are so much closer although this faith journey initially put up many wedges and barriers. From my experience so far it seems that those I have met who initially were very orthodox, following the prophet with his every word etc seem to be the ones that fall the hardest. It is so confusing to come to the realization that the prophet is human and that the Ensign is not modern day scripture. Yes, I was told that and believed it for many years, that past prophets made many mistakes that I refused to even believe at first. (Instead thinking this was all anti Mormon stuff) Once I came through these first emotional roller coaster rides, I am currently at a place of much more peace. I no longer feel the need to accept every request made from me nor feel guilty about things I do not have time to do but instead am so happy to be at a place where I feel comfortable although my faith journey continues day to day. I do love helping and serving others and I find many ways to fill that need inside and outside the church. I have a deeper love for the gospel as opposed to the orthodox church protocol. If I am in a lesson that makes me feel uncomfortable I no longer see the need to sit and listen. I can get up and leave or head down to primary and sing in the back with my kiddos etc. I am a person who does not like confrontation although I will express myself when I feel that what I have to say will hopefully help others stop and rethink their own positions and when I say this I am referring more to the dynamics of the church vs information that could be life changing to others as we all here have been exposed to in one way or another. I personally have come to really appreciate the organization of the church in the many ways it lifts and helps as people however, I am able to turn the other cheek when things are to “mormony” now. We had some children baptized last year and we planned our own service for this as opposed to doing it with the stake because we wanted to be able to talk to our children in a more honest, we felt way, about this ordinance. It sounds like your wife is very threatened and wants to cling to everything she has always believed in. I understand that feeling. My ancestors are pioneers so we have grown up very proud of our religious heritage. It was shocking to learn some of these truths that we were never told before. Please don’t make any fast decisions. Take your time and let the information you have found simmer. You will most likely be exposed to much more. Not all of it will make you angry and as your own emotions evolve and grow through this process you will most likely evaluate the things you now know differently. I believe in family with a passion. I have a large family. Ultimately, that is the most important part of my life. It’s hard to believe that at one point I even felt that church should come before that. Some things I found out were reassuring too…For instance, when I found out that Mitt and Ann Romney were married civilly before being married in the temple very shortly after, (this I might add, was after the church came out with the current policy of having to wait a year to be sealed if a civil marriage was performed first.) I have changed my mind about the separation of temple marriages when special family members are not allowed to witness. I would most certainly consider this differently nowadays than I did initially. I also had a Laurel who served a mission beginning at age 19 when the age for girls to serve was 21 because she was on the track team at BYU and got hurt and they decided to let her go while she took time off to heal. It’s just not all as black and white as many of us members grew up being taught. You are among friends here. There are so many neat, honest people who I have benefitted from greatly. It’s so nice to have a place like this where we are able to listen and support each other.

[Awakening]

DarkJedi wrote:

I did read your intro shortly after it was posted but I have had a busy few days and have not had time to respond. Thank you for sharing your story, and I am glad you found us (and for those who pointed you here). I hope you visit frequently and share with us as well as letting us share with you. Welcome, and peace.

Thank you! I have enjoyed reading many of your posts and remarks. Thanks for sharing as well.

[Awakening]

Hi Shawn,

Boy if there is one thing I have learned this past year as I have been experiencing my “faith journey” is that many paradigms have been challenged and changed for the better. I love the way Steven Covey explains paradigms the best. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eZUKn-Ngzko With that being said, my view on tithing has shifted too. I think what you decided to pay on your increase is very personal. I have listened to arguments over gross vs net on what interest or increase is, etc, etc. This is a personal idea that you and your wife need to feel right about. I don’t even think most bishops would really require any involved explanation.

[Awakening]

NewLight wrote:

This is a good group of people here and I personally have learned a lot from them, from being able to distinguish the “Church” from the “gospel” to learning how better to show compassion and understand people who are different than me. I also like that people are generally positive here in spite of challenges they face and I think you will like that as well.

Welcome Sister Awakening! I am so glad you have posted your story here and that you are getting a lot out of this forum.This is a good group of people here and I personally have learned a lot from them, from being able to distinguish the “Church” from the “gospel” to learning how better to show compassion and understand people who are different than me. I also like that people are generally positive here in spite of challenges they face and I think you will like that as well. :clap:

Thanks for turning me on to this board Brother Newlight! :thumbup: I agree with you. I love the idea of distinguishing church from gospel. For me, it removes pressure and guilt. I am grateful however for the organization of the church in providing so many ways to reach out to others in need and friendship. Boy, when we moved, those men and women were ready to jump in and we had the truck emptied in no time.

It has been really great for me to step back through this move as well as my evolving feelings this past year and get to know all different kinds of people not just members. Not that I would intentionally not be friendly towards others with different beliefs and/or faith in the past but when I spent so much of my time in church, serving with others, participating and helping in ward activities, etc. then the people I generally came to know the best were the members. There are wonderful, good people all around us.

[Awakening]

Gerald wrote:

I think there will be pressures to “toe the party line” wherever you may be. For most active Mormons, the Church provides an important social network and for those living in the Mormon Belt it may be the ONLY social network (aside from family who is usually also Mormon). Since participating in this board, I’ve come to see that Mormons come in many different stripes. And just because these particular stripes aren’t visible to everyone doesn’t mean anything. There are TBMs, there are less actives, there are antis, there are Social Mormons, there are lazy Mormons, there are busy Mormons, there are New Order Mormons, there are confused Mormons, and there are combinations of all of the above. Each one of us has to make sense of this world and that beyond it, to a certain degree, in our own way.

0

Boy have I come to know how true this was. I am surprised I didn’t notice this so much before. Thank you!

[Awakening]

Heber13 wrote:

love your story and can sense a lot of relief on your part of dealing with the difficult things your family has gone through. I love hearing stories where spouses are troubled, concerned, confused, and even hurt and yet can find ways to stay committed to the relationship, to the person they love, even if the circumstances are changing and difficult.

I appreciate your kind words. I do want to mention that initially I was filled with sadness and despair so hopefully others experiencing these type of emotions will have the courage to hang in there. This is by far one of the most difficult experience we have been through. With that being said, the difficulties we face often offer the sweetest rewards.

[Awakening]

silentstruggle wrote:

I think, contrary to popular narrative, that many of those who end up with doubts, or who decide that the church is not true, started their journey with an honest foray into wanting to understand more. I include myself in that category.

I agree with you. Thank you for your kind words.

[Awakening]

LookingHard wrote:

I just wonder if faith crisis are more prevalent where everyone is so close in several ways (your next door neighbor is in your ward, your coworkers are members, etc.) I have a great bishop now and he knows I have endured a faith crisis, but am still in church every week and still serving as much as I have time. But I wonder in Utah county and other like places if you are more likely to have a bishop that would almost yank your recommend for the things I have mentioned to my bishop. I certainly can see how it can be harder in Utah county. I had a brother in law that knew as soon as he filed for divorce that his days were numbered at his job – and that turned out to be true.

Wow, I am sorry to hear this. I would imagine it varies from ward to ward and stake to stake. I lived in Utah most of my life and I can say for sure there is some real differences from area to area as well. I remember sitting in a ward council meeting once where the issue of the girls wearing “flip flops” to church came up and how should we approach this topic to make a change here and I sat there in disbelief thinking, are you kidding? We are worried about this? Then I lived in a ward where the choir director took on the task of convincing members to dust off old instruments to perform the Mannheim Steamroller version of “Sille Nacht” the Sunday before Christmas and it was beautiful. The most recent area I lived in was well over 80% LDS and when I think of my own street and surrounding streets I can hardly think of anyone who was not a member or even not very active. My friends in this ward know very little about my faith journey. I simply would not have felt comfortable talking about it at that time. We have been out of that ward for about 6 months. My husbands job took us out of state. I have been very cautious approaching my new ward as I am personally working through some of my feelings and the future of my family dynamics involving church. It has been good for me because I don’t feel the pressure of any calling at the moment or worry about how my friends may be processing my life at the moment. I have met some very nice people here in my ward and I have attended some things and plan to be more actively involved in the near future than I am right now however, I will be very selective in the ways I serve, my involvement, etc. I’m still trying to work this out. Wouldn’t it be nice if our wards were filled with people from this website so we could lean on each other without the fear of criticism but a more outpouring of love and understanding? Maybe there are more around us than we think. I for one, have not felt “safe” in expressing my true inner feelings. I am afraid of being labeled, judged, and misunderstood.

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