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Thank you again for the responses and advice. Today I went out and bought “No Man knows my history” after reading good reviews from both sides of the church (in or out). I’m hoping it’ll help with all of the historical gaps I see. And I know it isn’t nessicsrily approved by the church, but I don’t want sugar coating.
I decided to hold off on garment wearing for a while. And for the first time since June (when I got my endowment) I feel good about how I look. I can wear a shirt that I couldn’t wear with garments (it’s not immodest) and I don’t have to tuck the sleeves of it into my shirt all the time. I don’t know if I can be a faithful member of the church without wearing it constantly. But as I read on an old thread here maybe “wearing it throughout my life” means something different to me than it does to someone else. I don’t know when I will wear them again. Maybe when it’s made into a tank top because showing my shoulders is not immodest. And when the bottoms can hold feminine hygienic items. They didn’t make me remember the covenants I made anyway. They just made me feel unsexy. And after having a baby I can feel that way on my own just fine
😆 And here I am rambling again. I’m glad I’m not alone. And I might pick up on becoming a “buffet mormon” hehe
Thank you everyone for all of the responses. It brought good light back into the church because I feel like there are Mormons like me out there 
Addressing ray on why I worded my feelings in the temple like I did-
I honestly don’t know why I feel that way. I’ve never been raped. There were times in my life prior to joining the church that I allowed things to happen that I regret now, but not really classified as rape. I’m sorry if I made it come off like that. When I go to the temple, I think about how it says I need to listen to my husband. I think about how it’s possible my husband has many wives in heaven and I’ll just be there to bear children again (I really hope we aren’t pregnant all the time in heaven). It’s Not the men there that make me feel that way. It’s just everything. It reminds me of this Uncle I have that (he has never done anything to me), when he looks at you, he makes you feel naked. I don’t understand why for so long women are just OK with “harkening onto their husbands”. And anytime anyone ever says “well your husband does have the final say…” it makes me so upset. Because he doesn’t. We agree on everything before it’s done. I don’t like the church telling me how my marriage should be done. I don’t like how it makes me feel inadequate to men, and it’s not the priesthood thing. I don’t even know where I stand on that. It’s the fact that everywhere it says that mothers are to nurture their children and father’s preside over their families. No. Husband and wife preside over their children. The husband does not preside over the family, because the wife is involved there. Anyway, I don’t really know what this has to do with how I feel in the temple. It might even be because my underwear is the same color as everything I’m wearing. I just feel that way. And it’s not the men. It’s really not. I probably shouldn’t have worded it that way, but I at least feel naked in the temple.
I’m sorry if you can’t make sense of all this. I can’t make sense of it myself. I just hope that someday, I can be a happy lds again. And even going to the temple. Because I like it so long as I don’t pay attention to the stuff that pisses me off. And the newer movie has made a difference, but ive only gone once since then.
I just thought of it. I know why I probably worded it like that. I think it boiles down to polygamy. The temple is the reason polygamy could be practiced. And polygamy is the ultimate abuse of women (not really ultimate, but yeah). And I do think of that there sometimes. Because I want to know why it was practiced. I dunno. This is probably why I have no friends lol.
I’m rambling now. I’ll stop. But I hope this allows you to step into my mind a little more. Because I don’t have my thoughts organized. And I should probably try organizing them.
