[brynngal]

Thank you Bridget. I have been debating for awhile now attending another church at least just to see what it is like. I could see that being a benefit to me. I think I will always worry about the dissapointment I might cause to others, but anxiety is my middle name!

[brynngal]

Your right heber, thank you for the advice. I think my husband would love me still but I know he would be dissapointed. Your right in saying it will resurface later, even if I keep pushing it aside.

Thinking about what I have said in this thread, I keep saying I want this because it is easier, I want that because it is easier. I guess I just want easy I don’t really want easy per say, but enjoyable at least. Not to be too EFYish I guess I am not finding joy in the journey in figuring out what life means. I think it is bitterly laced with expectations that I feel like I can never really meet. I feel the expectation is to believe, and I can’t, or have not been able to yet. The thing I need to do is what has already been expressed, which is to cut myself off from the expectation then move on from there.Also drop the idea that the path will lead to a certain place, and be a peace that it will end up where it should if I try to find enlightenment for myself. Why I hold so tightly to expectations, I am not sure. I will keep on trying though.

[brynngal]

I am a people pleaser, and I feel like I am letting my husband down if I am not at least trying to see for myself if the church is true. It would be nice to take a break, try something else on for a while. I feel a sense of obligation pulling me toward Mormonism, and I find myself just wishing I could receive some sort of confirmation that would leave me never doubting. My husband never doubts, he says he just knows. I know I could never be completely in line with the church, and that is the place my husband is at, but he believes in the BOM. Still I find myself wondering what if I decide it is not true, I thought it would be easy being more culturally a Mormon. I find myself wondering about Gs, if I don’t even believe at least a fraction of it, am I defiling someones very sacred practices? My husband really want me to wear them, even if I don’t know. It seems like everything would be more peaceful if I could just get myself to fall in line.

I love the cheer Sam Bee, totally how I feel!

[brynngal]

Thank you for all of the replies and great advice. I read the scriptures today. I don’t think I will ever believe like a TBM, but I have never read the BOM all the way through, and therefore I do not know to what extent it is, if at all true. I have always had a hard time reading scriptures, but today was different. I took the advice to cut myself off from anything but reading. It wasn’t because it was what I was suppost to do, or to be better, or to fill some need. I read just to read it, no other reason. I don’t think I have ever gotten through a chapter with out having to go back and re-read some part because my mind wandered. This time it was different, and I read through 9 chapters easily. I could have kept going, but I was so tired from the day my eyes were killing me. Now that I have my contacts out I may even read some more if I am not too tired. I also have tried to pray in my heart to my maker for things other than being grateful. I think it is easy for me to offer up gratitude, but other than that it is just strange. I haven’t asked yet what is true, I don’t think I will get an answer, not yet. In the mean time I have taken baby steps. Like heber said the feeling won’t go away, so I should start trying to really work them out. Thanks again for all of the help. As far as the atheist thing goes, I am not sure what I really meant by that. I wrote it at 2 in the morning when I couldn’t sleep. I think at the time I was just feeling like it would be easier to just not think about it. Reading back it sounds a little mean on my part, like the reason people are atheist are because they don’t think about it. I don’t really believe that is always the case. I feel I need answers, if my mom passes away soon I want to know where she goes, or have some vague idea (since I don’t think we can have much more). The pressure seems like it is getting to me, and I think sometimes I just want space from it.

[brynngal]

My answer is honestly none of the above. At this point in my life it is a huge question mark. I feel I do not know enough to say what is 100% true. To be honest I am not sure I ever will. There are few things I do not question, a few things that I know were the spirit guiding me, or some sort of spiritual element. I have not been guided by more that emotion in the church. It does make me emotional, it makes me feel good, and it feels right. For that reason I go with it, and I try to look past the things that feel oh so very wrong. I have always figured I would be that person who never knew, maybe I will be surprised. Just as I can’t say I believe in the church, I can’t say I think it is false. I lean towards thinking that much of what is taught is men mingled with doctrine, but I am not sure exactly everything that is men, and that which is divine. I lean towards B, I wonder about all of the options, but my final answer is none of the above.

[brynngal]

Martine wrote:

This totally makes sense, and I’ve had similar thoughts. The way I see it, prayer doesn’t change God’s will. Like you say, he’s going to do what he’s going to do. But I think prayer has more of an effect on us. There’s a line from the film ‘Shadowlands’ about CS Lewis where he says something to the effect of “Prayer doesn’t change God, it changes me.” I think it helps us to realize our place in the universe and that we are not in control as much as we’d like to think. Prayer can bind families and communities together as they pray for someone/thing; it can turn our hearts towards others and diminish selfishness (for me, anyway!). It can be really frustrating when we pray so sincerely for something and don’t see an answer or blessing, but maybe the blessing is in the asking? I don’t know.

And I love your ‘in the moment’ prayers of gratitude. I think that’s a good place to be in. Best wishes to your mother.

Thank you so much. I love the thought in bold, beautifully put.

[brynngal]

Just thought I would add, I do pray for my mom. I pray she will be fine, that she will be comforted, and I give thanks for having her in my life. It just feels fruitless to me, but I do it anyways. I would do anything to help my mom!

[brynngal]

Thanks for all the advice! I had a meeting with the bishop this week but I missed it! Next week I think I will be getting a lot of where were yous, so I will have opportunity to respectfully make boundries. I am not sure what I will say to the bishop, I am not sure what he wants. I have a feeling he will release me from my calling and possibly ask me to be in the primary! I will keep you posted.

[brynngal]

Most VT/HT leave with the obligatory “is there anything I can do for your?” question. Of course the majority of the time the person being asked say they need nothing. Perhaps in your lesson you can point out it is more about action, than offering. I think the best VT in the world showed up on my door step one day after I had just had a new baby, and took my older daughter for a play date. She asked where the car seat was, and said she wouldn’t take no for an answer. She was gone two hours, my baby slept, and I got a much needed nap. I know it is often hard to just show up, but if you live closer it might be easier. If it is snowing, and they are busy, shovel their drive. If you make desert, and you have extra, send a plate on over. Just do things will result in more service than just asking if there is anything you can do.

[brynngal]

Thank you so much for the insight your all dead on. I placed a hold for a book about CBT from the library.

[brynngal]

Beautiful, I love it, thanks so much for sharing.

[brynngal]

I agree with what you wrote. For me the more knowledge I acquire, the more I realize how little I know. It is a very humbling thing. I may have a talent, and I can be confident it is a gift from God. I can be confident that I am a special in his eyes. The confidence I feel about myself is towards myself, and not in relation to others. There will always be someone better at something than I, though I may be better than many at it as well. So the two do not coincide in my mind. I am confident in my abilities, especially confident in my propensity to grow, and become a better version of myself. I guess confidence to me is directly related to ability now that I think about it. I have confidence that while I may not the best at something, I can work at it, and become more. It has nothing to do with others abilities for we all have the ability to become more. My husband is naturally better at math than I am, I am horrible at it. He is grateful for his gift, and confident in himself that he can grow even more, and has been blessed with the ability to see things more clearly and easily. He will probably always have a more knowledge in math than me, but he know I could catch up to him if I put in enough effort. It would probably take triple the effort for me to get there, but I could. Therefore he acknowledges that I am gifted to understand others things better than he, but that I have the ability if I desire to obtain the same gifts as he does. He is not puffed up about his abilities because he knows that he lacks knowledge, and there is so much more to learn. Also he knows that if someone were to work hard enough they could obtain the same level of knowledge he obtained. At the same time he is confident, I they both can live happily in the world together. The more confidence I gain, the more humble I become. The more I realize I have yet to learn. Also the more confident I am the more I am able to see others gifts with out having to shield a weak ego.

[brynngal]

No problem! I wish I had more to offer you than that, but I am such an avoider. I will do almost anything to keep peace in my life so I tend to just smile and nod. I am not sure if it is the right way, or the more moral one. At this point in my life it is the best I can do. The fact that you were so out spoken off the bat is very admirable.

[brynngal]

I am so sorry. My mom is no longer a part of the Church. My dad was the only one in my family at my sealing. I walked out of the temple, and my mom was crying, I hugged her, and told her I hoped those were tears of joy. I was so worried that she was sad she couldn’t witness the sealing, and I wished my mom was there so very much. My mom had always been a rock in my life, and one of the two people on this earth who really know me. As the child in the situation I can say I am sure your children (and grandchildren) will wish you were there as well, and be so grateful that you are there outside of the temple standing by them and loving them.

[brynngal]

When you call again next week ask if you could get the number of the elders quorum president, usually they are the ones that set it up anyhow, and I think he won’t be interrogating you. I would just be pleasant, and nice, but to the point. “Hey bishop so and so it is me, how are you doing, good. Well as I told you we are moving on X day, can I get the number of the elders quorum president so we can arrange to have some of the elders or the missionaries help us unload, we would appreciate it so much” something kind of like that. I hope your new ward is a good home for you, good luck on the move.

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