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People were very indirect and passive-aggressive and just artificially nice. I felt people weren’t that intellectually curious. I didn’t think they were that interesting. Many of them seemed the same, yet unlike anybody I knew outside of Utah. It was weird.
It’s exactly the same now, part of the problem I don’t like it as much here. I’ll see how spring term is I guess.
I’ve already accelerated my time here at BYU; I came with 30+ AP credits, and I’m starting my program’s junior core this fall even though I’m a freshman. It’s impossible to find somewhere cheaper than BYU; I had a 90-100% tuition scholarship to a state school back home on the east coast and it was still cheaper to come to BYU even without the scholarship they gave me. Personally, community college isn’t an option for me. There’s definitely some pride there but I felt somewhat embarrassed to only be going to BYU when a lot of my friends and classmates from back home are at Stanford, Vanderbilt, John Hopkins, etc. I wanted to go to an Ivy or elite university, and I had the grades and everything else you’d expect but I wasn’t admitted to any. I think it’s one of those time’s I’ll have to stick it out. I found a quote that puzzles me; I like it, and I think it’s inspirational but I’m not really sure: thoughts? Quote:Doubt is a pain too lonely to know that faith is his twin brother.
My parents called to talk and I ended up talking about my situation right now. I told them that I’ve been praying for months and searching for answers, reading books and talking to a professor here, that I had a lot of doubts about the Book of Mormon and church history but didn’t talk about anything specific. I also told them that I knew it was my decision to serve a mission and had to come from me, and I wanted to come to an answer. They were extremely supportive and it took a weight off my chest, that they love me and support me no matter which way I choose. So I’m not going to rush anything now. If I come to a testimony in time to serve this summer, I’ll go ahead and submit my papers. If not, I’ll keep working at it and attend school for another year.
DarkJedi, thanks for that. That’s probably a good way to look at the Book of Mormon, I’ll keep that in mind as I continue to read the scriptures and research.
I’m planning on speaking to the professor again sometime this week. Last time he said he never discouraged students to keep looking and reading, so that’s what I’ve done. One thing that’s really bothered me is the monetary/economic system supposedly instituted among the Nephites (Alma 11), where it specifically gives values to gold and silver in comparison to barley. For a population the size described in the book of Mormon, there should be (at minimum) several hundred thousand such pieces abounding in the New World, not to mention that barley didn’t exist in the New World at the time, or any sign of a battle that killed hundreds of thousands with armor and steel weapons at Hill Cumorah. Plus the geography doesn’t seem to make any sense.
This week I’m also going to talk to my parents, letting them know I’m struggling with the decision about a mission and testimony and just need some time to figure things out.
Thank you everyone. I’m just trying to figure out what to do now. I’ve actually been dealing with this for a couple months before finding this forum, so I’m on the backside. I’m fairly calm about it. I just don’t know what I need to do to
1. resolve these intellectual problems
2. gain a testimony that makes me want to serve a mission
3. talk to my parents about any of this.
They don’t know anything about my recent struggles or doubts. They probably don’t know my 120 mark has passed, or that I don’t know if I’m serving or not.
I’m just trying to figure out what’s next for me.
One additional thing: I got my Patriarchal blessing at the beginning of this semester here, and it specifically talks about a mission, among other things. Trying to reconcile that + not knowing if I believe + the possibility of a mission even if it’s not required. Thanks everyone. Darkjedi and metalrain, I met with Prof. Fluhman today and I’m glad I did. While we didn’t resolve all of my issues and doubts, it was beneficial and he is someone you can talk to frankly and in an open environment, something I don’t think I’ve had before (besides this forum). He didn’t even ask for my name, just how he could help me and worked with what you brought up. He said I could come back at later times to discuss more specific church problems and tackle them together, something I’m planning on doing.
Metalrain, I’m definitely open to maybe meeting up sometime.
What’s hard for me is how do we separate when prophet’s are speaking for themselves or when they are speaking for God and the Church, especially when talking about specific religious matters? It seems like picking and choosing which statements from the general authorities comprise doctrine and beliefs and which one’s were spoken as men (distinct from “cafeteria Mormonism” where individual members choose which doctrines to focus on). I really do appreciate these responses. I’ve emailed one of the professors here at BYU anonymously, and I think I might go and see him tomorrow. The thing is I do care about the history of the church; the logical side of my brain won’t give me any rest if I can’t come to terms with my knowledge. There’s a couple of quotes/truths that have spurned me on:
“If we have the truth, it cannot be harmed by investigation. If we have not the truth, it ought to be harmed.”– President J. Reuben Clark
“Mormonism stands or falls on the story of Joseph Smith. He was either a prophet of God, divinely called, correctly commissioned and selected, or he was one of the biggest frauds in history. There are no other options. If Joseph Smith was a deceiver then we should expose him; his declarations should be denounced, and his doctrines should be shown to be false.” – Joseph F. Smith
If I can believe that Joseph Smith was a prophet, and translated the Book of Mormon and Book of Abraham, then all the other things (polygamy, race and the priesthood, odd and false statement from various church leaders through history) become significantly smaller obstacles, showing imperfect people. I know Joseph Smith was an imperfect man; I’m not expecting the white-washed version of him promoted by the Church.
But some of the historical problems outlined in my initial post are so glaring it’s hard to think of how it points to anything but fraud. I need to be able to resolve those and everything else will fall in place, and I don’t think pushing them off to the side as less important questions will bury the questions for long.
Thank you for these responses. I’ve requested a copy of The Crucible of Doubt and Letters to a Young Mormon, both of which are kept in the library here (both checked out currently). I’m also about to send an email to one of the professors in the article DarkJedi posted from an alias I have. Should I try to meet him in person or communicate solely via email? There’s pro’s and con’s to both, the largest con of which is that my name/face are known. But from the article ( I’ve never met him personally) he seems understanding. I’m still trying to decide if I believe, yes. The potential mission just puts pressure on the timing; I’ve read the essay here (
http://staylds.com/docs/HowToStay.html ) and it’s definitely helpful. I could definitely do that for my time here at BYU and probably longer; however it doesn’t really fit in with my circumstances, as serving a mission is huge commitment when I’m still trying to find out if I believe.
