[canadiangirl]

Silentdawning,

Thank you for your questions. I can see that I wasn’t very clear in my description of my previous feelings. While I was going through the program I was still sad, depressed and anxious. Even though I felt that the program was very helpful and I believed it was helping me with my addiction I didn’t experience a change of heart at that time. I am still struggling with the addiction, but my feelings are changing from sadness, depression and anxiety to peace, confidence and acceptance. By letting go of the guilt and shame caused by my interpretation of the traditions of my fathers (I would say that for me the traditions of my fathers refers more to the cultural interpretations of doctrines rather than actual doctrine) I am coming to a place where I am loving myself and that seems to be where the change of heart comes in.

I am seeing the change of heart as a process, not a one time event and I am also acknowledging the presense of negative emotions along with this change. Previously I would have thought that a change of heart would only allow for positive feelings but for me the anger and resentment seem to move along the process.

So my change of heart includes love for myself, more color in the way I see goodness, and a genuine love for all of God’s creations. I’m not so stuck in the black and white of things and I am beginning to see the beauty of paradox.

Does that clarify things better? You are right. I’m sure I need to figure out exactly what I am feeling. At the moment it seems to be an underlying peace with uncertainty and frustration percolating on the surface. Feelings are complicated things.

[canadiangirl]

Ray,

This is a very timely post for me. Last week, I had a conversation with a dear friend who doesn’t know anything about my recent crisis of faith, and I consciously chose not to share with her because of the probable consequences. She was telling me about her cousin who has left the church because he had lost his testimony of Joseph Smith. She couldn’t understand this, thought he was “stupid” and was very worried about his children. I listened intently and gently said, ” don’t worry too much, each of us has our own journey to travel.” Then I changed the subject. I wasn’t only thinking of the consequences to my own life but to hers. If I shared with her some of the facts I had discovered about Joseph Smith that could shake anyone’s testimony, she may have felt that she should distance herself from me because of my lack of faith or it may start her on her own crisis of faith and I didn’t want to be the one who was the catalyst for that. Especially because I haven’t found my own replacement dream yet. I have the starts of it but I do not feel anywhere near to a creation that I could share.

This quote gives some very wise advice.

Thank you

[canadiangirl]

Thank you to all who have responded. I feel so blessed to have found this group.

I really appreciated Heber13’s comments about debriefing with the children after. My husband and I differ on just how much we should share with our children regarding our thoughts and questions about church matters. My husband feels that our children should be left to figure these things out for themselves on their own timeline and I feel as Heber has expressed that I would have liked to have been made aware of other ways of seeing things as a youth and perhaps have avoided a lot of the struggle I am now experiencing. (This brings up the question of whether or not Stage 4 is avoidable or rather helped along by parents who share their journey through it.)

I also appreciated the quote from the BYU speech. It articulated my feelings exactly. I really did feel that a lot of the fireside was (with the best of intentions, and I really mean that) used to create emotions within the youth that they would interpret as the spirit. I would say EFY would fall into the same category. I remember my first EFY where the story “I’ll build you a rainbow” was presented. I’m not sure if any of you are familiar with the story but basically it is the story of an older sister who yells at her little brother for getting into her makeup and then later returns from school to find out that her brother has died. (If I remember correctly, I was only 12) I cried and cried that day, thinking of my family and how mean I was to them. (I’m the oldest) Today it feels like a big guilt trip. Actually most things I experience today within the church feel like massive manipulation. Just my view of the world at the moment I suppose.

The advice to try and see the words from the speakers perspective is wise I think. I’ll work on that.

Thanks again.

[canadiangirl]

Thanks cwald,

I wish what you have said here wasn’t true and a decade seems like an eternity right now. I believe you though. I think that your words are very wise. Nothing is a quick fix. I guess I just need some reassurance that it gets better or something. Your story helps.

I wanted to add that I have great compassion for the pioneers and for those who suffered so greatly in the Martin Handcart company. As I reread my post, I realized I may have let my anger override that compassion and I felt badly about it.

[canadiangirl]

As a Canadian and as a LDS I find Glenn Beck to be obnoxious and ignorant. Anytime I have tuned into his program I have heard complete falsehoods regarding my own country and so I have a hard time believing other comments about subjects I am not as familiar with. I live in a community where many regard Beck’s thoughts to be “gospel” almost and I really worry about this type of following. I am embarrassed by his inflammatory remarks towards minorities and while I agree with some of his intentions I really wish his viewers would understand that he is a show man and that his ultimate goal, imho, is to keep his ratings high.

My two bits.

[canadiangirl]

This is such a great topic. At what I see now as the beginning of my faith crisis, I was so overwhelmed by the multitude of “commandments” that must be “kept” in order to attain “exaltation”. I remember giving a Relief Society lesson from the Joseph Smith manual and crying (and I actually mean sobbing) through the whole thing because I knew I just couldn’t do it. Those feelings led me to wonder why God would make it impossible for me to live with Him again. I guess I was feeling a little like Heber13. I still lapse into that feeling whenever I become more active at church. I can’t seem to shut out the “shoulds” and focus on what is best for my own spiritual progression. It is a difficult balance, so it is nice to hear how others are thinking about it.

[canadiangirl]

Hi GB,

Welcome to this great board. I have found the posts here so helpful in feeling like I could stay LDS and be who I am. I find teaching very difficult as well. I love to teach and I’m not scared to teach but I especially find certain doctrines difficult because I may have deep questions about them and I feel hypocritical teaching the lessons. So far, since my faith crisis, I’ve only been asked to teach the family and marriage class which I can shape to fit my own perspectives. When I first began to question things, I was a Relief Society teacher and had the teach the teachings of Joseph Smith. That was rough. There was so much dissonance in my mind. I hope you will be able to come to peace. This board is a great place to seek help.

Canadiangirl

[canadiangirl]

Thank you for all of the great thoughts. The thought that water might represent the spirit is very interesting to me. To me dream analysis is fun and usually it doesn’t matter what the experts say, just how an individual uses the dream to work through their personal issues. I also like outside perspectives which is why I posted it here. Thanks again for the responses. Oh and no my real house isn’t falling apart, well not really. It needs a little work but not the disasterous kind. LOL!!

Canadiangirl

[canadiangirl]

Thanks for the big welcome.

Brian, I listened to Fowlers’ Stages of Faith podcast with John Dehlin just last week and found it to be so comforting. I thought, “you mean this is a normal development in faith. Thank heavens. I thought I might be going crazy.” I do want to study that work more closely. Thanks for that suggestion.

Ray, I like the idea of pure mormonism. I’m pretty sure this small town of mine hasn’t seen that kind of mormonism in a very long time. That was what I was originally looking for. I’ve been trying to decipher what is culture from what is doctrine for awhile now. It’s tough to practice pure mormonism in a town that has had generations of pollution. But because mormonism has such great principles, its worth trying. I hope to pass on pure mormonism to my kids as well.

I’m wondering how either of you approach church history with your kids. I would like to have my kids serve missions if that is what they choose but I also want them to have a good understanding of the facts. When do you start to teach your children “the facts”, especially when they won’t be getting those facts in Primary or the Youth programs. A concern of mine is that might kids might say “but my mom told me…….” in class and then I’d have to deal with the consequences of that. Maybe that is the wrong attitude.

Borninit, Prayer is difficult right now. Not that I don’t want to pray, I just feel a shift in how I see who I am praying to. Add that to a brain that can’t stop questioning and thinking and my prayers look like an amusement park. My thoughts are all over the place. I’ve considered using prayer beads to help focus, or take up meditation. It is all so overwhelming at times.

I know that prayer is important to this process, so I’m determined to figure it out.

Thanks again to everyone who responded. I feel very welcome.

Canadiangirl

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