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Thanks for the response. hawkgrrrl wrote:Living celibate and alone for your whole life became untenable when the laws surrounding gay marriage changed. It was a huge tipping point. We are on the wrong side of both history and morality. We would have done better to require a homosexual equivalent of the law of chastity, requiring lifelong fidelity and marital commitment before sex.
You’re absolutely right on this. As mentioned in the article, my brother has chosen to take this road… at least for now. I truely hope that he will be able to find his way into a meaningful and happy relationship one day.
As always, thanks for reaching out with your comments. I have a deep admiration for those of you in this forum and the safe space you’ve created here. Roy wrote:It really surprised me after this new policy came out that she told me that under the aforementioned conditions she would leave the church with me.
Roy, I think that’s great to hear. A gay child would be lucky to have you both as parents. So many children don’t have that type of support system. Shortly after the news broke about the policy, my mother sent me a message and we had a brief conversation over text. She wanted to let me know that she and my dad both loved me and didn’t really understand the new policy. I was surprised that they even acknowledged the policy to me, as they never made a peep when Utah passed the non-discrimination bill, or when gay marriage became legal in Utah (the first time nor the 2nd time with the Supreme Court’s ruling). It struck me then that this policy must have really upset them. During our conversation, I told my Mom that in many ways, I was glad that I wasn’t a practicing member because it would be really difficult for me to proudly declare that I was Mormon after a stunt like this. I sometimes feel a bit betrayed when things like this happen, and my parents still stay members. I know it’s not that easy, but I feel like remaining a member and not being vocal about your objections is similar to a sin of omission. This is exactly why I finally decided to resign my membership (and the reason why many others did as well). We don’t approve of what the Church is doing, and we don’t want to remain silent about it.
:think: Roy wrote:I have heard that the quality of life statistics that a celibate gay person faces are similar to the quality of life numbers of people suffering with Lupus. While the quality of life expectancy for homosexual people in a committed gay marriage are very similar the quality of life expectancy of the wider population. IOW, as much as your brother’s choices are having a less than desirable impact on you – he may be stuck in an even worse predicament. Please be as charitable and compassionate as possible in your dealings with your brother. I believe that he is going to need all the love and support that you can give him. My heart hurts for these situations.
Regarding my brother, I echo your concerns. I have made friends with individuals who decided to follow a similar path when they were younger and are now haunted with loneliness because of their decision. I have vocalized these concerns with him, but he seems determined to stay.
Roy wrote:I have long said that if one of my children came out as gay then that would be my last day participating in the LDS church. It would just change the value proposition of church participation too drastically for me. For me it would also be a show of solidarity with my child – that I choose them unequivocally. I do not think that I would resign but I understand that to be a personal choice. That was my feeling before this new policy came out.
I think it’s great that you have already decided to show solidarity like this to your hypothetical gay child. I have friends whose parents have left the church in support of their gay children, and I often find myself wishing that my parents would do the same. Here’s the interesting thing. Rather than having one gay child, my parents actually have two… which seems to complicate the matter considerably. When I came out, I was the first in my family to have ever done so (at least to my knowledge of our genealogy). Then, about half a year later my older brother followed my footsteps and came out to the family (no real surprise to me). However, since then it seems that my parents have found themselves in a compromising position.
Prior to my brother coming out, they seemed to hold the opinion that gay individuals in the church had a right to seek a suitable same-sex companion and develop a loving relationship. Well… that seemed to change a bit when my brother came out and decided to remain “dedicated” and “faithful” to the gospel at all costs… meaning he plans to remain single his entire life. Now my parents have two sons to look to as examples of how to navigate the way of the gay Mormon.
:crazy: They are still accepting of my partner and I (they helped us move, we spend holidays together, etc), but they seem to favor my brother since he’s decided to remain committed to the gospel. Personally, I just couldn’t do it. The duplicity I faced when I traveled that road was simply too much for me to handle. I recognized that I knew I would never be happy in this life as a single gay man. I have a deep need for companionship, and desire to share the wonders of life with another, even if that means leaving the faith of my fathers’ behind.
Well, I finally have a verdict. It’s good to finally have some resolution to this whole situation… it’s been up in the air for so long. After a lengthy, drawn out, 3 hour process, it was decided that I should be disfellowshiped. I was surprised that the news didn’t have much of an effect on me. It kinda troubles me actually. I’m not sure why it doesn’t bother me much, but I’ve come up with some possible reasons. It may be just because in a way, I’ve already checked out of being an orthodox member. Or maybe it was just because I had already come to terms with the possibility of being disfellowshipped. This whole process has been dragged out over the span of a few months, so I feel like I’ve had ample time to come to terms with the idea. It’s not really that much of a shock for me. My heart aches more for the way this is hurting my parents. The council in itself wasn’t very productive in my opinion. Before going into the council, I had several people tell me that these meetings could be a very spiritual and uplifting thing. Frankly, I didn’t really feel that way at all. It was very frustrating to me. I was less than thrilled with bringing more people up to speed with the situation. After explaining myself to the Bishop’s counselors and secretary, I was drilled with several questions. What really bothered me was the fact that everyone decided to hon in on my struggle with the LDS church rather than the actual reason why the council was being held. They bogged me down with several commitments to help me develop a testimony of the “truthfulness of the restored church.” Despite my best efforts to keep the field even, I soon found myself feeling cornered with my arm twisted behind my back. When they did focus on my issues with same-gender attraction, it was no more productive. I tried explaining to them the frustrations I had with the double standard within the church concerning it’s members with same-gender attractions. I could sense how uncomfortable the discussion was for all of them. One of the coucelors went as far as to ask me if I had faith that Christ could “heal” me…
Anyways, I’m not really sure what will happen from this point forward. I’m still letting everything sink in.
The council will be happening tonight, in a few hours. I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t nervous… almost to the point of nausea. :thumbdown: This is a fantastic post. I enjoyed your artical Hawkgirl. Bridgett, I was wondering if you could let me know the name of this forum for LDS parents of gay children? I would like to point mine in that direction.
mr_musicman wrote:I’m not going to go into too many personal details other than to say, except for coming home from a mission early, I understand very much the struggles you are facing. I have read the book, “In Queit Desparation” and did not find it helpful. It is one of the better books out there on the subject, but I don’t like the approach to SSA they take. I absolutely hate the fact people call it SSA or SGA as though it is some kind of disease.
The problem with the church approach and worldly approach to gender issues, is quite simply the application of labels. The LDS approach of looking at yourself as though you are sick and need to be treated is so damaging and unhelpful. At least it was to me. I stayed away from Evergreen and organizations like that. I didn’t feel sick and I didn’t need to beat myself up even more. The worldly approach asks you to label yourself gay or straight to the exclusion of the other.
The most peace came when I finally accepted myself just the way I was. I like boys, I like girls and I am completely in love with my wife and children. I often wonder what it would have been like to label myself gay and walk that path. I am quite sure that I would never have come to the calm acceptance I have now. I never would have learned that I could have love for a woman as well.
By avoiding the path of labelling myself and examining and accepting who I was and what I wanted I found what I needed. That is my first and most important advice. Love yourself as God loves you. Your “tendancies” are a gift from him to help you learn and grow. Don’t begrudge a gift from God.
As far as DC’s, my experience has been both bad and good. It really depends on your leaders. My advice is to trust in God and never lose faith in him. No matter what path you choose, your world will be forever changed by these experiences. Just ride the wave.
If I were you, I would read “Believing Christ” by Stephen E. Robinson. Learn what the atonement really means. Don’t focus your life on your “tendencies” because there is so much more to you than your sexual preferences. It is only a part of who you are. Avoid blowing it up to be the only thing you are about.
:clap: Wow… Maraming Salamat Po! Somehow, you’ve managed to gracefully sum up my whole POV perfectly. I simply couldn’t have said it any better.wayfarer wrote:I came to love myself for who I am — all of me.
Thank you for sharing your personal experience with us–with me. I really appreciate it. I like what you said here. I feel like I’m at that same turning point where I’m finally beginning to love myself for who I am — all of me.
:thumbup: wayfarer wrote:But the labels are quite destructive. I would hope that we are free: free to express love to whomever we feel we love. If that is same gender, great! if that is opposite gender, great! But to feel love is not necessarily a choice — it sort of comes on us. Yet how politically uncorrect of me. how immoral of me from an LDS point of view.
I couldn’t agree more. Labels are a terrible thing and I do my best to avoid them at costs. On an individual level, every human being is incredibly complex and unique– on the surface as well as below the skin. It’s a tragedy when we attempt to rob others of their individuality by slapping them with labels and stereotypes.
:eh: Shades of Grey wrote:I thought your latest post was very, very well written from several points of view. It is no doubt in my mind you posess (what I call) the 90% of what the gospel is, and you exude internal traits of Christ that many a SP including a close family member of mine could only dream of. Charitable in spirit and in word, feeling hurt or sorrow over causing your SP top worry means you are so empathetic of others…. others that are standing in judgement of your biology (not your actions neccesaarily). I am a better man today for reading this thread and feel more peace from your soul that comes through mightily in your writting than anything I got at church today.
Thanks Shades of Grey, your words are very humbling. It makes me happy knowing that you have found peace in my words. I’m just trying to deal with all of this the best way I can, without bringing damage or harm to others that could be avoided.
Shades of Grey wrote:Many of us here do not in fact “fit in the Mormon box” yet we are in many ways much closer to our final destination with God because I believe our own struggles lend us to a mindset that we by far give our fellow man more benefit of doubt than the average TB member. Remember for every Brighahm Young to succeed their must be a Porter Rockwell….
It is up to us to find that peace from the Lord if we are so inspired through personal revelation of this meaning in life for ourselves. No leader in the church can or will give it too you- otherwise there would be chaos on organizational level, the management of which the BP and SP are called to oversee. I loved the way you worded these last lines. For me, they are stitched together with a lot of truth. Personal revelation seems to be the key.
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Thanks Bridget! I have read the post where you talked about your son and talked about your personal experience with him. I was hoping that you might pick up on this thread for that reason. I recognize that you have a better understanding of what’s going on, and also that you could possibly help my parents cope with all of this.
bridget_night wrote:He too thought he was going to hell at first and prayed his little heart out for God to take aways those feelings.
Like your son, I’ve been through the whole praying process, pleading with God to help me fix this, but it’s not much help. I’ve learned there’s more power in asking for God’s divine grace (enabling power) to help me push through.
bridget_night wrote:I am very aware of the book, you mentioned “In Quiet Desperation”, by Ty Mansfield and the Matis’s. I know them personally. They are good people. Ty is a friend of mine and was able to find his heterosexual potential and married a wonderful woman several years ago and have a beautiful little boy now. Ty recently wrote his second book called: “Vocies of Hope”
http://www.amazon.com/Voices-Hope-Perspectives-Same-Gender-ebook/dp/B005QQ0AF8 It’s neat that you know Ty Mansfield personally. I’m glad that he was able to find his heterosexual potential and rear a family. I was reading up on his second book you mentioned, the other day. I’ve never heard of that last one, but I followed the link and read the description. Sounds like it would be a good resource for me and my family, so I’ll probably end up buying it. Thank you!
bridget_night wrote:I would be happy to send you a free ebook of mine which shows parents, friends, and family how to build bridges and find common ground with their gay children. The most powerful spiritual experience I ever had is when I wrote the finally ending to my book. It was when God told me to see my son as in the story of the blind man in the Bible. In Jesus day, if a man was born blind, it was either because the man had sinned, or his parents had sinned. We know what God told the people who asked him whose fault was it that this man was blind; namely that it was no ones fault but to show forth the glory of God. This was so healing to my soul and made me realize that my only job was to love my son, not to change him. God also told me that one of the reason he created gays was to test straight people, to see if they could love those who would be considered the ‘least’ in his kingdom. That straight peoples salvation would be on the line by how they treated gays. It was the most wonderful spiritual experiences I have ever had.
I will gladly take you up on your offer to send me your ebook. It sounds like you had a very special experience while writing it, and I would love to read it. Anything that you think could help me, and my family is greatly appreciated.
I’m sorry for the incident that occurred while you were on your mission. That had to be something very difficult to deal with, especially with a mission president like you described. I feel really bad for that Sister and her personal torment, and can’t even imagine how terrible it would be to die with such negative feelings about myself and my life.
bridget_night wrote:I am pretty impressed with you because you have come through this with so much of your self-worth in tact. You are living in a generation where the science and culture are much more accepting of gays and the church is even more understanding and tolerant of gays than they used to be. The main thing you need is your own personal relationship with God. Yes, it’s nice to have family, and church approval, but God’s personal revelation to you is what counts. I think you are going to be just fine.
Yes, I am so thankful for living during this time. I believe I’ll be around to witness amazing changes and improvements concerning all of this. I couldn’t agree more with your comment about the importance of my personal relationship with God. That is something I feel really strongly about, and that relationship will be my constant companion and focus as I continue this journey. Thank you for the help!
It’s been a week. I’m returning to reflect and report on my meetings with the SP and Bishop. Perhaps no one here really cares to hear me ramble on, but I’ve found that I benefit greatly by organizing my thoughts into sentences and posting them here for review. In any case, please bare with me! :think: Last week- Meeting w/ SP:Admittedly, I was more than reluctant to go to this meeting. I don’t really enjoy delving into all of the sensitive and rather gloomy emotions that tend to follow these types of serious discussion. In all honestly, it wears me out. Nevertheless, it was a rather peaceful meeting. Due to my circumstances, I have a pretty lengthy track record with this SP. Through our MANY meetings, I’ve developed a deep respect him. He is a very open minded individual and relatively easy to talk openly with about current issues. I value his trust and friendship and recognize that he is earnestly trying to help me the best way he knows how.
In this meeting my SP relayed his deep concern for me, and even went as far as to say that I was his “number one priority in the Stake right now.” Considering all of his responsibilities, that’s a pretty hefty statement. If it’s true, I almost feel guilty. I certainly don’t feel like my circumstance deserve to be his number one priority. Considering everything, I feel like I’m coping quite well for now. Well, then we proceeded to run through the usual routine of discussion. I often feel like there’s this script complete with diagrams and flow charts for church leaders to follow. Simply pick the issue, then follow the outline. “If Member X believes point A, see point #2, and if Member X believes point B, please see point #3… etc. The point is, it’s so predictable. It’s almost maddening. During this visit, he prescribed Alma, Chapter 5 for my study. That’s what the spirit had directed him to do. Hm…
:problem: Maybe I’m suffering from a pride issue. He asked me to read the chapter and be ready to discuss it in our next visit.SPOILER ALERT—>We didn’t discuss it in our next visit. However, I did read it. I’ve read it many times. It’s a great chapter for personal reflection, which is what my SP was getting at. But, then again, it seems that the main sins in play during this chapter are Murder and being uncharitable (this really seems to be the biggest issue throughout the BOM, imho). It’s VERYdifficult to relate to personally, when I don’t see my issues comparable to murder, or lack of charity. I still strongly believe that the whole same gender attraction isn’t a sin, and neither are the accompanying issues. At least, not any more of a sin than they are for heterosexual relationships. Yet, I feel like openly accepting these things is like branding myself with a scarlet letter (perhaps the letter H or G instead of the letter A)… 🙄 The last thing we discussed was a book which he had suggested my parents read (my mom is currently reading it now).
The book is called “In Quiet Desperation: Understanding the Challenge of Same-Gender Attraction” written by Fred and Marilyn Matis, and Ty Mansfield.
I’ve heard mention of this book in other posts on this site and wonder if any of you have heard about or read it? Anyways, my SP recommended that I pick up my own copy to read. One issue with this book though is that it is authored by orthodox members, which can prove difficult for me right now. As we continued to discuss my testimony in the LDS church, I began to feel like I was something broken and in need of repair. Rather, that is how I feel my church leaders see me. Personally, I don’t feel like I’m broken at all… but like I’ve said, maybe it’s a pride issue and I need to humble myself and conform to “what’s best for me…” as dictated by “The Church.” For now, it’s all very frustrating…
He also explained to me that he didn’t feel the need to press forward with my DC quite yet, meaning he is going to try and dodge it until he feels I fit his standard…
This Week- Meeting with the Bishop + SP:Today, I made it through the full block of church. Success!
:thumbup: I managed to survive with only a few isolated incidents of awkward. It’s not even really that awkward for me. I’m fine, and I feel like I’m adjusting fine. But really, what I find awkward is noticing how awkward and uncomfortable other people are when trying to start conversation with me. I can see them struggling to think of something to say, but really they don’t need to say anything.Being comforted is nice, when you’re in need of comfort.I was in need of comfort on my 16hr flight home alone. I was in need of comfort when I finally arrived and broke down in front of my parents. I’m no longer in need of that same kind of comfort, and so it’s awkward when people seek to give such comfort to me. On a side note, I often wonder if anyone in my ward is secretly a member of the forum. There are a few people that I swear just might be. Here’s a shout out to any of you if that’s the case! Try to remember what I just said above about comfort if you ever find yourself in a similar situation. After the block, I had my meeting with the Bishop. Because I’ve worked closely with the SP during most of this, he has more of a general picture of everything. In this meeting, my bishop just wanted to express his love and concern and offer me any help if I needed it. I expressed to him that I was managing comfortably for the time being. He then got to the heart of the issue and opened up a discussion concerning my testimony…
:silent: Caution: Dangerous Waters AheadI gave him a basic overview of what I’ve been coping with since my faith crisis last year. While venting my frustrations to a friend before this meeting, my friend shared this quote with me: “From the outside looking in, you can never understand it. From the inside looking out, you can never explain it.” I feel like that statement accurately describes this meeting. Again, I found myself feeling like I was being pigeon holed.
:problem: The main issue I keep running into with my leaders and parents is that they try to approach the situation as though I’m seeing things on their level. I’m not. The express their concern for my “eternal welfare” and “exaltation” or how I’ll experience “endless sorrow” if I choose a different path then them. I would disagree with these beliefs, but they don’t really see it the way that I do, which makes things rather messy.My bishop discussed Lehi’s vision with me, commenting on the “mist of darkness” being the doubt and hurtful feelings which accompany researching doctrinal issues and church history. At least, that’s what he attributed those feelings to. He used the “by their fruits you shall know them” phrase to say that the fruits of those things is damaging and not of God. On the other hand, reading scriptures and all the primary answers are of course, of God. Then, he refered to the “the Spirit” that he was feeling in the room and knew that I was feeling also… except I wasn’t.
:shh: He went on to give the scale/buckets analogy and how you have to keep it balanced. The negative bucket has a constant flow from the world we live in and we need to always be adding to the positive side “truth’s” to keep us level. I can agree with that part, but maybe not on what is defined as “truth.”That’s basically how our conversation went. Extremely biased and opinionated, but he’s just doing his job. Nothing I haven’t had other leaders say to me before.After that, I had my meeting with the SP.
Double Wammy… yipeeFortunately, he realized that I had just gotten out of a meeting with my bishop so he didn’t keep me too long. We just had a quick discussion about my week and how I felt my relationship with God was doing. On a scale from 1 to 10, I told him I felt like it was around a 7, leaving room for improvement. He seemed a little unsure about that high of a number, because I told him that I hadn’t been having a regular BOM study, but didn’t say anything about it. Anyways, he just wanted to be sure that I knew he was there to help me. I’ve heard the horror stories of other church leaders, and feel pretty confident in saying that I’ve been blessed with some pretty good ones. We may not see things eye to eye, but I have a respect for them and their attempts to help me patch the hole in my bucket that doesn’t exist. 🙄 So, there you have it. I’m interested to hear what you have to say. I value your opinions and insight. Also, I’m sorry for how lengthy this one is!
🙂 Old-Timer wrote:Don’t be Laman or Lemuel, even if some people are acting like Lehi.
Well said Ray! Thank you
ATVjunkie wrote:Good luck today with the DC. I’m not sure what to tell you other than be true to yourself. Unfortunately, they will want to see that you have a broken heart and a contrite spirit – by their definition. And, it will probably require you to tell them what they want to hear in order in order to minimize the actions they take against you. True honesty really isn’t the goal here on their end.
The DC isn’t today, they haven’t actually told me the set date for it yet… I have felt like this is the case on more than one occasion. Specifically when speaking with my Bishop and Mission and Stake Presidents. It’s a little disheartening, isn’t it?
ATVjunkie wrote:Yeah right. It’s a little more about control and money.
It definitely feels that way sometimes.
Old-Timer wrote:You had a relationship of some sort, but you didn’t share the details – and I don’t want you to do so here.
Let me repeat that: I don’t want you to share the details here.Please, do NOT share the details here. Thanks for your Advice Ray. Don’t worry, I won’t be sharing any details here. For one, I’m not comfortable in doing so, and also it wouldn’t be appropriate.
Old-Timer wrote:You didn’t share any of this with the people who interviewed you when you were being called as a missionary. That probably will (and should) be “held against you” to some degree.
Unfortunately, this all took place after I had taken out my endowments as well. That will also be “held against me.”
Old-Timer wrote:I would be penitent AND direct in saying you are sorry for the pain and embarrassment your decision to leave on a mission caused and that you are trying to do the right thing and not “live a lie” anymore. Tell them, if you really feel this way, that you will accept whatever decision they make and do your best to remain active in and involved with the Church.
Will they allow me to remain active with such opinions? It’s not my desire to fully embrace a homosexual lifestyle or anything of that nature. I just have tendencies that I am working on, which also cause me to be unsure about the direction of my future. I’m already in pretty deep and everyone thinks “Satan has a strong hold” on me because I don’t believe Mormonism is the “One True Church” etc. It’s all rather depressing to discuss with them.
I survived Church today. Not too many people had the chance to approach me, which was fine. I’d rather people collect their thoughts and get over the shock of seeing me back home before they try reaching out to me. Usually, when people are in shock (myself included), they end up saying things they don’t mean. I know everyone is just trying to love me, and I really appreciate that. They still get really confused when I tell them I’m doing great.
I’m about to leave for a private meeting with my Stake President. He’s a great man, and someone I have a lot of respect for. When we first met with him on the day of my return, he explained that he would like to meet with me a few times before my DC to help “prepare” me for it. I’m not really sure what that entails… but it will most likely be something along the lines of what you just said Ray. I also feel like he’s going to do his best to help me see things through his eyes such as admitting that any homosexual action is sin… and the truth
fulnessof the LDS church. I’m not really sure how that part will go, but he knows where my heart is. One last thought- Do I really have the option to not attend the DC? What would happen if that were the case?
BeLikeChrist wrote:why is it that a heterosexual man in the church can live with his girlfriend and not get excommunicated ? hasn’t it been church culture lately (decided upon by the first presidency and the twelve) not to excommunicate heterosexual couples who are living together out of wedlock ?
I actually hadn’t heard about this until now. Could you provide some sources for me?
BeLikeChrist wrote:…instead of feeling like a victim candlelight, take the circumstance to stand up for gay people in the church everywhere and say your piece. you didn’t decide to be gay – that you just are and that you want to remain a member in spite of your orientation.
Thank you for the suggestion here.I hadn’t thought about what an opportunity this could be for me to stand up for others struggling with the same things.
I would like to keep my membership, but I don’t know if that will be the end result of all of this. They will want me to admit that I am wrong and to accept that what I have done was a sin, and I don’t know if I can do that. I will go as far as to say that I can see the dangers of being sexually active outside the bounds of marriage and the physical and emotional benefits of practicing abstinence. However, I cannot accept that dating, kissing, holding hand etc. is any more a sin than it would be with a female. I’ve dated girls before, and very much wanted to pursue them… the only issue is that the desire/spark goes out very quickly and then all I want to do is get away from them. Things work differently for me the other direction. I find myself in a difficult situation because I don’t want to go through this life single and alone. I’m just not wired that way. Like most other humans, I want meaningful companionship. If I were ever to genuinely feel that way with a girl, and could honestly follow through with marriage, then I would. But one of my biggest fears is that one day I’ll wake up lost in a loveless marriage complete with dependent children. I don’t want that to ever be the case, and never want to cause that sort of damage. I’m trying to take all the precautions I can now to be sure such a thing never happens.
Thank you Mark. It really does mean a lot knowing that there are people out there praying for me right now. I appreciate it more than I can express. doug wrote:Having sat in on the process, if it were me, I would walk away from a disciplinary council. Obviously you can’t be made to participate. On the other hand, I know there are stories about people who have found healing from being a part of that. Search your heart. If you think it would provide closure for you or for someone else important to you, by all means go ahead with it. It will be tough, but you can handle it. Otherwise, tell them thanks, but no thanks.
Thanks for the insight Doug. My Stake President assures me that they can be a very “spiritual” meeting, but I’m not so sure about that. I feel like it will be very intimidating for me, and also very difficult to honestly speak the feelings and beliefs I have. I can easily see them twisting my arm and putting me into a position where I will feel pressured into saying things I don’t really support. Sort of just saying what they want to hear from me, and undermining my own beliefs. That’s not something I want. I don’t feel guilty for who I am, and actually feel a lot better about myself than I have in a long time. I think it throws people for a loop when they see me smiling or in a good mood considering my circumstances. It’s really awkward for them and they don’t know how to approach me. Oh well.
