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cwald wrote:
I downloaded them from a free kindle phone app on my droid. They have about 2500 online books that are free on the phone kindle app. Most are crap…but there are a few gems.
Thanks! I hadn’t even thought of that yet.
Thanks for all of the reassurance and support. I am pretty nervous about the upcoming DC… before I ever got home, I actually thought about running away from the whole process by leaving home to stay with some friends in the city. I quickly decided that wasn’t an option, and know that I need to face this head on. Come what may. I have no idea what to actually expect, so if anyone here could shed some light on that I would greatly appreciate it. All I know is that there will be 12 Men from the High Council present… and at least a handful of them know me and my family fairly well. Past leaders of mine, fathers to close friends, friends of my parents… etc. I’m dreading having to retell my story again to these people. It’s very personal and makes me very uncomfortable, partly because I’m not an Orthodox Mormon like the rest of them, and have a very different perspective of the whole situation. I’m usually more of a passive person who’s slow to anger, but I’m not so sure what will happen here. Also, I’m not really sure which way I’ll go after it’s all said and done. There’s a good chance that the verdict will be Excommunication… and obviously I’ve never dealt with that before. I could see myself easily losing any desire to maintain ties with the LDS faith (the only exception being my family). I believe in so many things the Church stands for, and love the sense of spirituality and closeness to God it provides me, but at what point does it stop being worth the price?
Tomorrow at Church will be my first public appearance in the community since being home. I’m really dreading it.
All I know is that it’s going to be one hell of a day. Tomorrow night I will return and report.
Does anyone have a link to a site where you can read the “Forbidden/Lost Books of the NT” online? I’ve been searching for one. If I’m not mistaking, the links shared above do not provide an online copy of the books. I want to apologize for not being more forward or blunt with all of you. It’s never been something I’ve liked to discuss very much because I feel like I’m just misunderstood when I do. At the time, I didn’t feel like it was an active part in all of the issues I was dealing with so I didn’t mention it here. I can see things more clearly now though and realize that it is all connected. They are all ingredients that make me who I am. It’s ignorant for me to think that my issues, trials, weaknesses and strengths are not all intertwined. I sense that some of you feel cheated and I’m sorry for making you feel that way. Also, I appreciate all of the love and concern you continue to provide for me. Yes, I am home now. I survived the dauntingly lonely series of flights that took me halfway around the world. Tuesday was literally one of the longest days I’ve ever experienced. Not only did I find myself physically drained, but also emotionally drained as I was accepted into my parents arms, and the shuttled off to the Stake President’s office. The procedures are starting now, and there will be a Disciplinary Council held on some future date. I’m already pretty sure I know what the outcome will be. However, I’ve come a long way and am prepared to face my consequence face on. My parents and family have once again exceeded my greatest expectations by showering me with unconditional love and support during this difficult time. Everything’s been pulled out from under the rug, and this time it’s not going anywhere until we find a solution. There has been a lot of tears, pain, and discomfort but I’m learning to see the silver lining on these storm clouds. The hardest thing for me is to see how difficult it is for my parents now, and the strain it has put on them. Everyone’s just confused and wants to know why I came back and what not. Humans thirst for gossip almost more than water. They’re curious and want an explanation. I can’t blame them for that. But it’s just not something I’m willing to give them. They don’t need to know. Let them talk. Let the judge. That doesn’t mean anything to me. Most of them only know that I’ve chosen to return because I needed to work some things out in my life. I was depressed and didn’t have my head in the right place to be effective as a Missionary. And that’s all they’re getting. They’re not really negative or rude. Most of them just want to help and approach me more like I’m a cancer patient. The thing they don’t understand is that I’m not dying. I’m starting to live.
They are quick to comfort and help my family though, and I’m appreciative of that. I know that this is embarrassing and hard for them too and I don’t want them to have to deal with any more then they already are. All my extend family knows as well, and they’re just trying to show love and support for me and my family. It’s all marked with good intentions (and I can see that) so it’s alright. Despite all of our differences, I’m really thankful for my family and all they’re doing to help. I’ve learned that whenever things like this happen, it can always draw people closer or farther apart depending on how it’s handled. I’ve also received more insight into other people’s pasts and their own struggles as they’re shared what they think might help. Some of it wasn’t news to me because I’m a perceptive person, but other things really blew my mind. All in all I’m thankful for that aspect of this.
Also, considering the fact that I could hardly understand anything that was going on around me, I found myself with a lot of time to soul search. When you’re so far removed from everything, you definitely come to know what matters most to you. When you’re gone, those are the things your heart aches for.
I know that the road ahead is going to be a rough one. Perhaps even worse than I can now perceive… but I feel confident that things will turn out right. I’m going in with a level head, a heart full of love, and no holes for fear. Here’s to the hope that one day, it really will all be okay.
Thanks for all the comments and advice everyone. I meet with my Mission president a few days ago and have decided that I need to go home. A big factor in all of this is something that I have kept a tight lid on, but will now talk about openly with all of you. For most of my life I have struggled with same gender attraction that has caused me some serious grief. Back when I was still seeing The Church as most other members, I believed that I was damned and condemned to hell. Especially after an encounter with another LDS boy during high school. I won’t share all the details but it led me to finally explaining everything to my parents which led me to countless meetings with the Stake President. I conformed and slowly pushed everything under the rug again and decided not to discuss the war inside of me. I witnessed first hand the damage it caused my parents when I did. So I went away to college not sure if I would be serving a mission or not. While I was away I decided that I would exercise my faith and make the attempt. For these two reasons: One, because it would restore some of the pride my parents had for me, and two because i honestly believed that although this religion may be flawed, it could really help some who needed direction in their lives. however, I had stopped believing it was all “true” or that my tendencies were a sin. These were the pretenses. I received my call and was excited to go to a new and different land. Soon after arriving I realized that things were very different here. Including how the culture embraced people with tendencies like mine. We have these children we teach. Some of them are members who are gay. And everyone is alright with that here. It surprised me. Anyway, I lost my desire to be here teaching them things I couldn’t support. On the top of the list was the stance on gay lifestyles. I have many friends who live this way and I think they are some of the best people I know. I couldn’t live with myself if I were to become the factor that made these little kids hate themselves and think that they could never be happy the way that they were. I don’t know if I’m making sense to most of you now. But as my desire faded i wanted out. I tried my best but they wouldn’t let me go. I respect them for that. Then I threw down all my cards and explained of another more recent run in I’d had with another guy before my mission. I don’t feel like what i did was wrong nor a sin. But because of this, of course I am going home now. I will likely be facing Excommunication now. And while I would prefer to stay, I don’t know if I have much choice now. Things are about to get really rough for me, and even more so for my stalwart family. I worry most for them. Tomorrow I will be leaving on a plane back home as well as calling my parents to break the news. If any of you have any advice for me or any comments that may help me now, I would appreciate them more than ever. Thanks again for being a continuous support for me.
Thanks. You’ve given me some excellent advice. Ray, I really like how you defined Grace. That’s how we discussed it in my institute class, and that’s sort of the approach I want to take with the Priesthood. I also appreciate what you said Roy, about how you built your talk around the maxim “It takes a village to raise a child.” Looking back through the years, it’s clear to see where the many lines of Priesthood have networked together to help make me who I am today. No doubt, there is a lot of good and beneficial aspects to the Priesthood, regardless of it’s authenticity. The Priesthood has as much power as we are willing to grant it. Thanks everyone for your advice and input. I’m happy to report that my first time through the temple was pretty successful. Sure, there were a few things that caught me off guard, but for the most part I really enjoyed it. The ceremony was no where near something that would have terrified me. I feel a little silly now for ever worrying about it. I’m glad I finally had the opportunity to experience if for myself. That said, I also have more questions now than I did before going through the temple. Not that that’s such a bad thing. I now have new material to study on sleepless nights 
Also, I see where you’re all coming from when you advise me not to challenge other’s beliefs. I guess I just get frustrated sometimes with my inability to have open conversation with my parents about these things. For example, tonight after the temple, my mother said something that sounded like material from the “Adam-God Theory.” When I mentioned it by name, she proceeded to tell me that she hadn’t even heard of the “Adam-God Theory” before…
😮 I thought my parents would’ve known for sure! Well, I wasn’t about to open that can of worms
🙄 so I held my tongue and changed the subject.Old-Timer wrote:If you want to talk directly about how I explain the temple to my own children, at length, feel free to send me a Private Message. We can talk in that forum, or I can give you my cell phone number – if you don’t mind that and it wouldn’t feel too weird to you.
Thanks Ray! I’m interested in how you explain it so I’ll take you up on the PM.
Arwen wrote:It’s not wild and weird stuff you will learn, just expandings on stuff you’ve already been taught. No alien baby dancing on chicken feet or anything like that.
Thanks for the advice Arwen! What a relief!
😆 One of the main things I just can’t comprehend is the need for Satan to be represented in the Temple… it scares me.
A seminary teacher once told my class that the church goes out of it’s way to NOT represent or focus on satan in it’s media. Especially in painting etc.
Following this though, it seems strange to me that Satan would play such a huge part in the temple… Of course, I’ve never been so it’s still a shot in the dark. That’s just what I’ve heard from others.
:eh: We’ve been taught to go to God in prayer and sincerely ask for his forgiveness when we have sinned. So how does one do this if they do not formally pray? I’m just curious how the whole repentance aspect fits in here… :problem: Heber13 wrote::thumbup: Philippines sounds pretty cool. Enjoy the balut!
:silent: I just looked up what Balut was… I am less than thrilled about it!
:wtf: Old-Timer wrote:I struggle with formal prayer, but I do really well at having a prayer in my heart pretty much always.
Prayer, in some form or another, has real power for many, many people – and I honor it in almost whatever form I find it.
Ray, I remember reading another post on prayer a while back, and in one of your comments you linked us to your personal blog. After reading your post, I read a comment from another reader who discussed the respect component of prayer. Of course, I’m merely paraphrasing, but they mentioned how it’s like the goodmorning/goodnight kiss in French culture (do you know the post I’m referencing?). The reader likened this to how, in that moment of formal prayer, we are devoting our full attention to our father in heaven as a token of respect and love.
:thumbup: Anyways, that thought has really stuck with me as I’ve struggled personally with praying.
‘
SamBee wrote:The latest Pirates of the Caribbean film has some spiritual messages in it… bizarrely.
I saw Pirates last week and definetly drew some paralleles to the Gospel! Glad to see I’m not the only one
Thanks everyone for the congratulations and well wishes! And even more thanks for all the great and wisdom that you’ve shared with me. And I suppose it wouldn’t hurt to tell you that I’ve been called to serve a mission in the Philippines.
🙂 doug wrote:I’m a little surprised to hear that you might expect, on this site, to be scoffed at, or to have anyone try to dissuade you from your well-considered decision to serve a mission. I certainly would never expect to see such a thing here.
I realize that this part of my topic really got to some of you… sorry about that. Like I’ve already mentioned before, I feel a great sense of love and community with all of you that frequent this forum. When I said that, it was only meant to be a small disclaimer. This is because in previous posts, some of you were a little skeptical as to why I wanted to serve a mission knowing the things that I’ve come to know. That’s all
:thumbup: GBSmith wrote:Thinking of the meeting as a funeral service is a bit of a stretch for me, however.
Yeah, I know that sounds a little out of place so I can see what you mean. I don’t mean that we should be sorrowful or mourning, just that the same type of reverence should certainly be with us in the chapel.
GBSmith wrote:I wish the church would consider having the sacrament last as is done in most other churches with everything building to that point. Just a thought.
I really wish that this was how it was. I know that some wards hold their sacrament meeting in the last block of church, but I feel that the actual sacrament ordinance within sacrament meeting should be the focal point and final part of the service. I think it would really contribute to the meeting (at least until it became routine).
Thanks for the tips everyone! Please keep them coming! Once again, I appreciate the warm affection from all of you. George wrote:What’s her name? Is she beautiful? Of course I’m guessing here, but I ran said marathon once. I even came home and married her, fathered five wonderful kids. If I’m totally crazy, please accept my apologies… and enjoy a foreign people and culture.
George, I think you are a bit mistaken. I am not going on a mission for anyone except myself and the people I’ll be serving.
