[Craftmomma]

Heber13 is absolutely right. Which is best will depend completely on you. I lived in Oregon and California until I moved here to SLC (when I was 45). I’ve loved them all. In OR and CA you are generally part of a smaller ward and everyone knows everyone (and everyone knows your business). Here in UT, there are lots of people in my ward that I don’t even recognize, let alone know. I kind of miss that family feeling that we had in Oregon especially. On the other hand, I don’t feel like everyone in town is watching what I do to make sure I’m still a “good” mormon.

If you hate the people in your ward here, you’re going to hate them anywhere you go. You will find exactly what you’re looking for no matter where you look.

[Craftmomma]

Thank you, everyone for your comments. They were all very insightful. I will be pondering them and praying about them. Poppyseed, I especially enjoyed your comments. Everything you said was something I needed to hear. I am too perfectionistic. I’ve always blamed that on being a first-born. But is so true. I feel driven to do everything perfectly, and if I can’t be perfect, then I don’t do it. Better to give up than not be perfect. Is this stupid or what?!

Thanks for the reading recommendations, too (ooh! I don’t remember who recommended that!) But I will look at them. Thanks.

[Craftmomma]

Tom Haws wrote:

Annie (Craftmomma), you are OK.

Craftmomma wrote:

And my biggest worry is that he will somehow teach my daughter that gay is OK and she’ll end up that way, too.

It sounds like there is not much you can do about that. Just as with the church, her relationship with him is what it is. Just improve yourself, love your former husband, and exemplify heaven for your daughter. Worrying is a negative behavior, and she and he will be just fine. The fact is that people who have intimate dealings with diverse people do tend to learn to accept diverse people. That goes for race, religion, perspective, culture, and behavior. She will learn to love or hate him depending on his way of being. There’s nothing you should to to interfere with that, I don’t think.

You’re right about this part. I decided very soon after the divorce that my daughter deserved to be able to love her dad and I’ve made it a point not to interfere in their relationship in any way–including snide remarks and showing anger or frustration when she’s around. She’s been fine with him until last summer when he told her he was gay. She completely cut him out of her life for about 4-5 months and then invited him back. She seems to be OK with it for the most part.

Craftmomma wrote:

I feel like some kind of hypocrite when I do go to church and I feel guilty when I stay home. What is wrong with me? I realize this probably sounds very trivial; it does to me. And yet, I am sitting here with tears streaming down my face. I had no idea I hurt this badly. I’m sorry to dump on y’all but I have to admit it feels good just to get it out. Maybe I can deal with it better by putting a name to it].

Quote:

Telling the truth can be good. You are okay. It sounds like maybe there is some conflict within you between things you have affirmed to be real for many years and things you know to be real deep within. Could that be possible?

Yes, I think you’re right. Now the question is, how do I fish it out?

Quote:

I would love to know more about your Dad and his story. Is he still in this world?

No, my dad died about 5 years ago now. He was in his 70s and basically died of old age and smoking-related issues. I’m sure my Dad is one of my issues. I am the oldest of 8 and was the only girl for about 8 years. I got a lot of responsibility dumped on my shoulders at a very young age. This is probably what’s made me uptight and driven, but I don’t think its really the issue with my dad. He was a very strict, hard-nosed kind of guy that usually hit first and asked questions later. And as the oldest, I took a lot of heat for things that were beyond my control (like bratty younger brothers ). I can remember my dad taking the missionary lessons when I was about 5-6, and my parents reading the Book of Mormon with my maternal grandparents when I was about 8, and playing on the floor at their feet. Its seems like all my life we were going to the temple “next year” or “before Annie turns 18.” But I think the biggest problem was that he was not a very demonstrative person. Especially with his girls. He would wrestle on the floor with the boys and things like that, but would not let me get involved in the fun. I realize now that it was because he didn’t want me to get hurt, but it hurt me inside instead. And he didn’t realize how important it is to be involved in your kids activities. He never attended our school nights, choir performances, and other things like that. That bothered me for a long time too. I thought that I had worked all that out until he died and it all came rushing back. I was a wreck the afternoon after the funeral. But I’ve had a lot of time to think about it more and I realize that my dad probably did the best he knew how with the training and upbringing he himself had. The thing that bothers me most now is that I don’t really mourn the loss of my Dad (like I do my Mom), but the loss of the relationship that we could have had. Does that make sense?

[Craftmomma]

just me wrote:

Welcome! It sounds to me like your cup is empty.

What is it that gives you joy? I would suggest finding out. Then spend time each and every week (daily if possible) doing the things that bring you joy. Some might call it “following your bliss.” To me it is being your authentic self or following the Light of Christ.

I also want to let you in on a little secret. Almost all the other women in RS feel the same way you do! They feel alone, different, guilty and more. It’s ironic because the truth is that we are all One and the same spark of Divinity is in each of us.

Thank you, just me. I think you’ve hit the nail on the head. I no longer do any of the things I used to enjoy. Except read. And sometimes I wonder if that is just a closet I hide in so I won’t have to face the empty feelings. Every time I think about starting a craft or sewing project, I talk myself out of it because “I’m just too tired.” I used to sing all the time–in church, in the choir, at home, in the shower, in the car, even while I was doing housework. It always made whatever I was doing that much better. I had surgery on my throat about 3 years ago and while it didn’t ruin my singing voice, it added some difficulties–its gets tired faster and I have to deal with phlegm a lot more. I quit singing in the choir in order to let heal and have never gone back because it didn’t feel up to par. Sounds like its time to start going again. I love singing more than anything in the world (except my wonderful daughter, of course!)

Thanks again, that helps a lot. I’ll try my best to put your advice to work.

[Craftmomma]

Tom Haws wrote:

You get to choose. Safety or growth.

Good point. That could be why church is not so fulfilling for me any more. Its time for some growth….figures. I don’t do change very well.

[Craftmomma]

I feel exactly the same way. Taking the sacrament, I agree, is important. But sitting through those talks puts me to sleep. It is very seldom we have a speaker that fires the imagination and makes me feel like my time was well-spent.

I too live in SLC. I like the Music and the spoken Word idea. However, I’d never get my daughter up in time to go. Maybe I’ll just go without her…..

After all, church doesn’t start until 1:00–I could probably do both and get something out of my Sunday.

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