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Is the statement posted online anywhere? I’d love to be able to point to the part about the ruling broadening religious freedom. There’s immense social pressure to “fit in” at church. We’re walking into a situation that we know is ripe for potential conflict. And we all know what your typical Mormon thinks of those who have “lost their light” so to speak. It’s never fun to feel that you might be the object of those thoughts. Definitely. I often have butterflies or a slightly nauseous feeling on Sunday morning. One of my big issues is that I hate feeling like people are disappointed in me. I get a ton of angst every Sunday. Sounds like you acquitted yourself pretty well. I don’t think very well on my feet, so I feel sure I would have bungled it. Thanks for your thoughtful replies. So, at a very basic level you’re saying baptism is a commitment to try to change into a better person, and the gift of the Holy Ghost is a willingness to listen for guidance in that effort. I like that idea. That’s something I could get behind. I think DarkJedi’s take is even a bit more literal, where your attempt to become a better person happens through your commitment to Christ. I also like some of the other comments people have made about the value of baptism as a family event that helps strengthen family bonds.
I’m still open to anyone else’s take on this.
I wish I had time to respond individually to all the great comments and advice that have been given. I’ll have to settle for bringing up some of these topics again later, when I have time. Thanks again for all your help. I’ll try to keep you posted. 
Funny, I went through a range of emotions while reading your replies. I was actually a bit angry at first. I felt a little defensive. Confusion, fear of disappointing others, desire to run away… all familiar emotions. But I really appreciate your help and thoughtfulness. I’ll try to explain a little more about myself and reply to some of your comments. About six months ago, my wife brought up the question of me baptizing my son. I tried to put it off at first, but she brought it up again a few days later. I had been coasting for a loooong time but realized that I couldn’t avoid it forever. Our kids are getting older, and I have to decide what to tell them, how to do it, when, and all that. It’s unavoidable. So we had a serious talk where I finally admitted to her that I do not feel it’s possible for me to come all the way back to the church. It was really difficult. Terrible, really. She tries to be understanding, but I know how hard it is for her and how much it hurts her, and I hate it.
I frequently feel like I’m balancing on a razor’s edge between my desire for living an honest and authentic life and my desire to make my wife and other family members happy. I have a hard time disappointing strangers, and disappointing my family is infinitely worse. Yet I can’t stand feeling dishonest and insincere. That’s why I haven’t blessed my babies, why I don’t take the sacrament, and why I have turned down a number of callings over the years. At the same time, I still go to church every week and try to avoid talking about dangerous topics with my family.
Anyhow, when we were hashing all these things out, I told my wife that I didn’t think I could baptize our son and would prefer to have her dad do it, like we did for the baby blessings. She took it upon herself to explain this to DS, but he didn’t take it very well. She even explained to him that daddy doesn’t believe everything that mommy believes. In his beautifully innocent and sincere way, he spent a little while trying to convince me to believe. I just smiled and tried to change the subject. I struggle a lot with how to approach things with the kids, and that’s what has driven a lot of my hesitation and confusion. I do want to make sure my kids get a good chance to make their own decisions about faith later on, and I think they need a solid upbringing in the church to make that decision meaningful. On the other hand, I don’t want to feel inauthentic with my own kids. Hiding the fact that Santa isn’t real is one thing, hiding the fact that daddy doesn’t believe in God (per se) is totally different to me. I don’t want them to feel betrayed, or that they didn’t get to grow up with the real me. So I don’t see baptizing him as automatically harmless—it depends a lot on how I approach things in the future, and also on the individual personalities and needs of my kids (which I can’t necessarily predict). I guess I just want to feel like I have a plan in place, even if it’s likely to change, before doing anything that I can’t undo. Either way, whether I baptize him or not, I won’t be able to go back.
If I did decide to try baptizing him, I may have some trouble. When we moved into our current ward just a few months ago, I had determined to quit hiding my state of (un)belief. I was just so tired of all the mistaken assumptions from others, constantly feeling like I was being hunted, feeling like I didn’t want to talk to anyone about it but feeling obligated to explain somehow. I just wanted to get it out in the open. I had decided that I would make an appointment with the bishop and let him know how I felt and why I was there. Yet when it came right down to it, I chickened out. Have I mentioned I have a seriously hard time feeling like I’m disappointing people? I also get minor social anxiety at times. So a few weeks went by this way, with me skipping classes and basically trying to avoid talking to people as much as possible. Eventually the elder’s quorum president pulled me aside and asked to talk with me in between meetings. I was a little relieved that he took that initiative, but also apprehensive. He opened up trying to be friendly and asked me what my favorite story is (he’s a teacher and knew that I’m a big reader), and I got the feeling he was trying to lead into some kind of spiritual thought. I didn’t let him get that far. I let him know that I was glad he’d asked to talk to me, since I’d been wanting to let him know my situation. I told him that although I’ve been coming to church, my main motivation was to keep my promise to my wife, but that I probably wouldn’t be coming otherwise. I’m sure he knew there was something up from my lack of attendance in elder’s quorum, and he seemed to take it in stride. He didn’t say much after that, just that they were glad to have me and I was always welcome to attend elder’s quorum and come have fun at activities.
A couple weeks later I got a call asking if I would come talk to the bishop. Again, I was a bit relieved but also apprehensive. In the intervening time, I had done some searching online and found this community, so I was a little better prepared. I had already read some of the advice to be vague and not talk about specific issues. I felt a lot better prepared, but at the last minute I got a call asking if they could do tithing settlement when I came. I was taken off guard and said OK, but I wasn’t really prepared for it. I haven’t paid tithing for years, and I had a bit of anxiety that I had to calm down before going in. The meeting went fairly well. To keep my story consistent, I told him that I had had a lot of doubts (but didn’t mention anything specific) and probably wouldn’t be coming if it weren’t for my wife. I did say that I was trying to hold on to hope (which is only partly true) and am eager to support my wife and teach my kids good principles, and that I would be especially happy to get involved with service activities. He was very kind and supportive, and mentioned that he’d had his own doubts and struggles as a younger man. He asked if I had any questions or anything he could help with, and I said I would let him know if I needed anything. He also asked if I had any troubles with commandments. Knowing this was tithing settlement, I said the only thing I had trouble with was that I hadn’t payed any tithing for some time. He responded by encouraging me to do it, told a few positive stories and bore his testimony. In the end I left the meeting feeling like it had gone pretty well.
If I did decide to baptize my son, I’m assuming the tithing thing would probably be a barrier. It’s bad timing if I need to start doing that, too. Our new house payment is higher than before, yet shortly after moving in I had to take a steep pay cut. We’re barely making it financially right now. I may not even have a job next month. Paying tithing right now would be a major sacrifice.
Well, I could go on for hours but I’ve already stayed up way too late. It’s going to be a rough day tomorrow! I look forward to any more advice and encouragement you feel inclined to give.
Oh, about the timing… My son turned 8 earlier this month. We’ve already set the baptism date for January 4th, but I think we could probably put it off for a bit if I really try to do this. There’s no pressure from anyone at this point.
