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Maybe a tad dry for some, but I loved it. The mention of Rough Stone Rolling would have definitely made my ears perk up. Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
I really appreciate this post. I agree with you about salt of the earth mormons. I think of my own parents that way, too. They’re simply some of the best people I know. Charitable and caring to a fault, accepting of everyone, always trying to do what’s right, forgiving others, and on and on. I love the concept of repentance as you’ve put it here: richalger wrote:To separate myself from my worst habits. To incrementally be better. To fight against the entropy of my soul.
I agree that if I could do that for the rest of my life, things would be well. I’m not sure God really expects anything else. The last part struck me particularly hard: “to fight against the entropy of my soul.” Personally, I find that complacency is one of my worst enemies. It’s one reason I continue to try to stay LDS, because it forces me to keep thinking and engaging in self reflection and staying open to ideas that I wouldn’t naturally pursue.Ray, I liked your post on sympathizing with Nehor and Amlici. I remember early on in my faith crisis reading about Korihor and actually thinking that I agreed with him—to an extent. I don’t think that everyone who believes in Christ has “a frenzied mind” but I think confirmation bias is a close cousin to what Korihor was talking about, and I don’t think many people are very self aware about what they actually believe/know and why. So the story of Korihor had kind of the opposite effect on me than it was supposed to have as a moral tale. Oops.
Thanks for letting us know how it went. I keep trying to imagine how different my life might be if I had heard a talk like this in the early days of my doubting. SunbeltRed, I’d like to hear more about your talk as well. Part of my crisis of faith deals with prayer as well. When I was seriously doubting for the first time and tried to pray for answers, I just felt cold and alone. I’ve often wondered if that feeling was somehow analogous to the darkness that Joseph Smith experienced before his first vision, and maybe I just didn’t show enough faith to get to the real answer. Maybe I should have tried to rebuke Satan for interfering (I had no indication that Satan was interfering and didn’t even think of it at the time). Or maybe I wasn’t being righteous enough to get an answer. Or maybe I did need to try again every day for a year. I eventually decided that I didn’t care for the idea of a god who would play those kinds of guessing games with me. I also looked back over all the prayers I had said in my life and realized that I had never had any kind of spiritual experience associated with prayer, or anything I would consider an answer from God. So I haven’t said a personal prayer for over 10 years. I can see some ways in which it might be helpful for me to try to open myself up to some kind of interaction with, or openness to, a potential higher power again, but I haven’t been able to bring myself to try. There was a short period after I got married that my wife tried to get me to pray with her as a couple. I tried to say one prayer with her that ended up being horribly awkward and uncomfortable, because I just wasn’t sure if God even existed, so how could I possibly do this sincerely? She quickly gave up, which I was thankful for.
Early on in my faith crisis, I turned down a few requests to say prayers at church. In the past few years, I have agreed a couple of times and felt OK about it. I choose to view it as a simple formality, a way to be part of the group. I also see it as a way to exercise my humility by expressing gratitude for things relevant to the occasion, express my hopes for the coming meeting, and act as a mouthpiece to try to express what I feel the rest of the group would hope for, assuming God was there and listening. Unlike in the past, I have somehow learned not to feel fraudulent while saying public prayers (depending on the setting). I suppose it’s because I have redefined what I personally am doing with a prayer, and I’m comfortable with that regardless of how others in my ward might see it.
As a family, we say a prayer over our family dinner every day. We also read scriptures (one verse per child since their attention spans are so short) and say a family prayer most days of the week. Sometimes it’s more like every other day, depending on how busy and exhausted we are. We rotate the responsibility of saying the prayer from oldest to youngest, and I take my turn saying the prayer now that my kids are old enough to know and care what we’re doing. Again, I choose to view it more as an expression of my personal hopes, and like Sunbelt said, it’s also a way of modeling behavior that I think might be helpful for my young kids (even if it’s not helpful for me). I sometimes get twinges of anxiousness over my personal integrity when I think about how I’m addressing a God that I’m not sure is there and closing in the name of a Savior that I have no certainty is real, but I try to ignore that for the sake of my loving wife and children. For some reason it’s harder for me to feel authentic about it in the intimacy of my family than it is in an impersonal public setting—I guess because I know I’m setting a direct example for my children, and I’m sensitive to what I’m teaching them and what they’re learning to believe about me as their father.
I’m glad you are here and look forward to hearing more comments from you, if you’re comfortable with it. I have been thinking a lot about the temple recommend interview lately, and it gives me a lot of anxiety. I haven’t held a recommend in over a decade, so my situation is a little different. It feels like a huge step to do that again. In any case, I definitely empathize with all your doubts. Since my crisis of faith I feel like I have become a professional doubter. Certainty feels like a scarce resource these days. That sounds like a lot like the kind of love I imagine God having for us. He sees our filthy hearts clearly, but wouldn’t abandon us. I haven’t had a TV for several years and didn’t watch it much before that. I have always preferred to read. It’s commuting and kids that take up my time these days. I would recommend reading Plato. His Socratic dialogues are surprisingly readable.
I would normally jump at this, but life leaves me little time for reading these days. If there were a free audiobook, maybe. I read the Iliad in college and loved it, but I don’t remember a lot of it. I’ve been wanting to read the Kalevala for a long time, too. It was the inspiration for some of Tolkien’s mythology.
mom3 wrote:Also for what it’s worth, I understand Cheiko Okazaki attended Sunstone, maybe not regularly but a couple of times people met her there, so I figure the church as an organization doesn’t see Sunstone in the deeply negative light – they may not love it, but they see it serves a purpose. As Leapfrog said – not every leader will see it that way, but between Heavenly Father and myself – I am not going to worry.
Along similar lines, I recall an interview of Jeff Burton who writes the Borderlands article for Sunstone magazine where he mentioned receiving correspondence from a general authority who said he regularly read Sunstone and Burton’s column and was appreciative of the work Burton was doing for members of the church.Good point, DarkJedi. I didn’t even think of searching for it online. Thanks to everyone for elaborating.
