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I really appreciate how the Church has compiled this research. It brings candor and light into a lot of topics not generally discussed. Whereas most writings on these topics are either strongly in favor or strongly against the Church’s divinity, I was impressed how unbaised these essays were. I think the root of this problem is what C.S. Lewis described in his book, “The Problem of Pain”. It’s a great read. I highly recommend it. http://www.rednovels.net/classics/u5584.html “If God were good, He would wish to make His creatures perfectly happy, and if God were almighty He would be able to do what He wished. But the creatures are not happy. Therefore God lacks either goodness, or power, or both.”
His conclusion later was, that if God were both all powerful and perfectly good, than our definition of what is “good” must not be on par with what God considers “good”. Sometimes, the pain and suffering caused by others, ourselves, or even through “acts-of-God” are really in our best interest in the long run. I feel like I’ve been given enough evidence to know for certain that there is a God. I also know in my own life there have been many circumstances outside of my control which have helped me out of a bad situation, and have even helped me to find long lasting happiness I wouldn’t have found otherwise. The most prominent examples I can think of is my angelic wife.
But there are other miserable circumstances where I could really use a miracle, but no miracle came. An example from my own life was this long stent of unemployment I’ve had since college graduation. After almost a year of searching, and taking low paying temp jobs, I was finally offered a position working as a QA Chemist, making a ton of money. Plus, I’d have just about every other day off. The only issue was, it required me to work 12 hour shifts on Sunday, with no exceptions (not even an hour off for sacrament). Since testing artificial sweetners for a 24/7 plant didn’t feel “essential”, I couldn’t justify breaking the sabbath, and turned down the job. I reasoned that God was just adding to me another test, and that he would bless me with a miracle job if I kept the commandments. So here I am, many months later, having accepted a job at Chick-fil-a as a cashier, making less money than I have since I was 16. We’re in poverty, and yet can’t affort the healthcare we so desperately need. And I am going inactive, feeling like my biggest regret was not taking my dream job in favor of “keeping the Sabbath holy”.
I am not sure why miracles sometimes happen, but othertimes do not. I don’t know why at times I have been very blessed when things are going well, but other times have felt kicked in the gut when I’m already down. Of course, the opposite is true; having problems when things are fine, and getting a lift when I’m down. What bothers me the most, is that I’m having a hard time seeing the pattern. Is God’s ways really beyond my comprehension? Do I feel worse off now, because it will somehow make me better in the future? What lesson should I learn? Or is God just not paying attention?
What the Church has given me, that I am the most grateful for, was freedom from many negative influences. So many of the standards and commandments taught by the Church have prevented me from making serious mistakes, and now that I am older I am so grateful I am free from most addiction, bad habits, and many other negative infuences. My greatest concern for being “semi-active” and in a crisis of faith is wondering how I can best help my children avoid those pitfalls, without relying on the absolute authority of Church leadership, or having to profess “the Church is true”. But that’s another topic. What I hoped the Church would give me, is that direct line to God, knowing what He would have me do, instructing me on the right course of action, and granting me peace and happiness in my best efforts to follow the Savior. One of the biggest claims of the Church is that we are lead by a prophet who directly communicates with God, and instructs us on what He would have us do. The second major claim is that each of us is intitled to personal revelation; and if we are in a position of authority (Bishopbric, presidency, etc), we are entitled to recieve revelation for those under us. Certian aspects of Church History have made me doubt the validity of the first claim. Personal experience has made me doubt the second. And dispite my best efforts to follow the Savior (if only He would tell me what was RIGHT or what to DO), I don’t feel at peace. I don’t feel like I’ve gained the wisdom or tools from the Church to be truly happy.
But in the end, the Church has given me the wisdom, tools, and instruction to be happier than I might’ve been otherwise. I am so greatful for that. I just expected it to carry me further.
I feel for you. I’ve had a very similar experience for the past nine years, where I felt like my needs were neglected by church leaders; where I knew they were capeable of helping me through my challenges, but instead kind of abandoned me. But the ward I grew up in, and spent my youth, was a completely different story. The leaders were strong and always willing to help. If someone was in trouble, they would instantly drop everything day or night to help them. They would do anything in their power to ensure all the needs of the members were met. They are still some of the most Christlike people I know. I don’t buy into the Church being the “same” or “just as true” no matter where you go. The members will be different, the leaders will be different; some regions will be better, others will be worse. None of them will be perfect. The members make up the Church, and it is up to the individual what sort of member they will be. The best advice I can give is, “Be the change you want to see in the world.” Be the kind of member the best wards are made of. Which I understand is very hard, especially when you’re hurt and struggling. I’m not very good at it. It’s hard enough to go to Church, let alone me a full-fledged member when you feel abandoned. But I am so grateful for those Christlike leaders I had growing up. I wish I could be a little more like them.
Personally, I stick to the same outline the LDS church teaches, of scripture and prayer. I don’t know if God hears my prayers or not, but I still pray anyways. It just makes me feel better to speak what’s on my mind, review how the day went, discuss my hopes and dreams, say I’m sorry for the things I regret. If God hears me, great. But even just going through the motions brings me clarity.
As for reading scriptures, I usually read anything I feel is uplifting and inspiring. Sometimes it’s a favorite part of the Book of Mormon; even if I don’t fully believe it, there are still many wonderful passages and good stories. Other times I’ll read the Quran. Sometimes I’ll even break out a little Bhuddist philosophy. There’s a lot of good out there.
This is something I feel like I’ve struggled with, especially when it comes to the church. The only thing… it’s the opposite problem. There are many times I have had a very good feeling, which I felt was the spirit pushing me in the right decision, and later the decision turns out to be wrong. Most of the time, things tend to work out for the best, but it’s definitely made me question whether it was the spirit I was feeling, or something else. I’ve also had very specific priesthood blessings from the most faithful, strong, righteous men I have ever met, that have not come true. There are also plenty of people, such as those belonging to the Islamic faith, who are strong, devout believers in their faith, but whose doctrinal beliefs run contrary to LDS theology. What makes their spiritual convictions less accurate than mine? There have also been some sad examples of people, such as Jonestown or the FLDS church, where people have become so disillusioned by “good feelings”, that they end up doing some really terrible things. While trying to sort things out with my own faith, I have felt very lost, as there are a lot of discrepancies I’ve found in Church History and the Book of Mormon, that I can’t wrap my mind around without an undeniable spiritual conviction… and yet I don’t feel like I can trust what I once called the “promptings of the Spirit”.
