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Thanks for your thoughtful response. You’re quite right: hope is an important part of our spiritual selves, even if we’re not always aware of it. Hope isn’t talked about often enough in church, though it’s one of the three cardinal virtues Paul speaks of (1 Cor. 13:13), and expands on it in Romans 8:24-25, among my favorite scriptures. The way he speaks of them, hope and faith could almost be used interchangeably.

I like your almost Taoist approach to language. In the Tao Te Ching there is a verse something to the effect that just as a path is made by people walking on it, so are words made by people using them, which is to say that their meanings depend on arbitrary conventions.

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Callings can work both ways. I’ve seen some callings turn out to be a disaster for the called, leading to their inactivity, but being without one can be alienating also. Some years ago, my wife and I held a calling together and then were released from it without being called to anything else. We assumed something would be coming down the pipes and just waited. But after six months had passed, I finally wrote an email to a bishopric member with whom I was on friendly terms and asked him what gives. Had a disciplinary court been held on us without our knowledge? Were we still members? We were attending, paying tithing, I assured him that I wasn’t surfing porn or consuming forbidden substances (I was a bit sarcastic in my message). Was it because we had let our TR lapse? One of the reasons not having a calling bothered me was that I knew from a painful earlier experience how gossipy Mormon wards can be, and I imagined everyone speculating about what “problems” we might have since we had no calling. At the same time, I hesitated to lobby for a calling, because you never know what you’ll end up with. So I can empathize with your dilemma, Dark Jedi. I hope things work out to your satisfaction.

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I ended up watching more of conference than usual. For me, it was a mixed bag. Elder Uchtdorf always includes interesting anecdotes, as he did in his talk Saturday afternoon. Sunday morning got off to a bad start with Elder Bednar’s talk, which sounded as if it were aimed at people who are just hearing about church history for the first time, starting with the standard account of the first vision (never mind the inconsistencies among the various versions) and going on from there, touching on every sore spot I have with early church history. I found Elder Gong’s talk very uplifting. Overall, about what I expected.

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Sorry not to have responded to your questions. I haven’t been checking this thread.

Yes, I pay tithing, though not always with a glad heart. While I support many of the things the church does, there are certain things I’d rather not contribute to. But we can’t pick and choose, and unlike former times, the church gives no detailed account of how funds are used (I understand that there was a time when a breakdown of church finances was announced at general conference, but I don’t recall when that practice was abandoned). I also have a calling, one that I hope they let me keep for a long time because I like it, and it doesn’t require me to compromise my beliefs/unbeliefs. Again, we don’t get to pick and choose callings; we just get marching orders. The standard line about callings is that they’re always inspired and that one should never turn them down. A bishop in a ward I attended decades ago told of a sister who was called to be Primary pianist based on mistaken information that she could indeed play the piano. Well, it turned out that she could not, but that faithful sister, convinced that the calling was inspired, spent several days furiously learning basic piano skills. My bishop held that up as an example of what our responses to callings ought to be. I found the story rather silly on its face. For one thing, the calling was obviously based on misinformation, not on inspiration, and for another thing, being an amateur pianist myself, I’m quite certain that even the most rudimentary skills on the piano could not be acquired in a matter of a few days.

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When I find myself overwhelmed by negative feelings about the church and wishing there were some way out of it without the inevitable fallout in terms of family life, it helps to remember the ways I’m truly grateful for it. If it were not for the church, I would never have met my wife (and I couldn’t possibly have married better). My mission language became the foundation of a very satisfying career. There was a time in my life when I was on the brink of heading off in a very self-destructive direction, but the church tether restrained me at a crucial moment (in some circumstances, guilt trips can be a very positive thing). I’m grateful for the positive role the church plays in the life of my daughter (who is much more orthodox than I am), and in the lives of my grandchildren. I could mention many other things, but on days when I’m feeling trapped in it and wondering what on earth a closet heretic like me is doing there, it helps to remember those things. (Do I sound like Julie Andrews?)

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I meant to add in my previous post on this thread that the ward I attend has several devout black members. Of course, I’ve never discussed the history of the ban with them, but I assume that they know about it, and tell myself that if they can deal with it then I ought to be able to also. Nevertheless, I still think that it would clear a lot of air if the church would simply admit that it was a mistake. After all, the Roman church has acknowledged some of its past errors, and it didn’t collapse as a result.

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The priesthood/temple ban was an enormous sore spot for me. While on my mission, we taught and baptized a ten-year-old boy, very mature for his age. Because of his age, we needed his parents’ permission. We met with his father, who was not opposed to his son’s baptism, but wanted to know more about the church before giving his permission. We met with him for a couple of hours, answering questions about various aspects of church life, including the Word of Wisdom, tithing, and many other things. He gave his permission, and we baptized his son, who only a few weeks later heard from other members at church about the priesthood ban. His father was furious when he heard about it, refusing to meet with us or allow his son to attend after that. I remember feeling that I wanted to end my mission right then and there, but thoughts of my shocked parents and the shame they would suffer in our ward made me abandon any such ideas.

That was back in 1973 (which reveals my age). I returned from my mission and remained active, though the ban continued to seem inimical to what the gospel was all about. I remember feeling an enormous sense of relief when the ban was lifted, thinking that I could finally embrace the church without any reservations. But soon a disturbing thought entered my mind: How could the ban have been anything but a mistake? And if the church could be wrong about something like that, what COULDN’T it be wrong about? I’m glad to see the church go beyond the lame “it was only a practice, never a doctrine” explanation. The only thing it can do is admit that, along with polygamy, it is a rather embarrassing skeleton in the LDS closet.

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I understand how you feel. I’m fortunate to be in a ward that includes many wonderful, caring people. But there are three or four who really rub me the wrong way: one who seems to think it’s his first responsibility to scold everyone and call us to repentance (for not reading the Come Follow Me lesson in advance, for not reporting on our ministering assignments, for not cleaning the building thoroughly enough, etc.); one who makes a point every time he gives a talk, makes comments in class, or bears his testimony, of badmouthing other churches (what might visitors from those churches think?); a former bishopric member who called me once because I hadn’t gone in to tithing settlement and pressed me about a month I had forgotten to pay (“do you want to make that up? oh, so you don’t have the money on hand right now? well then, I guess I’ll have to put you down as a partial rather than a full tithe payer”). I really had to bite my tongue during that exchange. If I had only paid 26 cents I would have been categorized as a “partial” payer, never mind the thousands that I DID pay. That was a very galling experience, because as it is, in terms of both time and money I give the church far more than it’s worth to me. Such moments can really try your patience in dealing with fellow church members. I just try to have as little as possible to do with those who irritate me. When I’m forced to deal with them, I end up feeling much like you, and wonder what on earth I’m doing in that place.

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Finally some time to write … One example I wanted to offer regarding my reluctance to undermine the beliefs of others was that of an acquaintance in my ward many years ago. We became good friends, and he opened up and shared with me some of his deep, dark secrets. He told me that before he joined the church some years previously, he was leading a dissolute life of drinking, drugs, and womanizing. Then he added that if anyone could prove to him the Joseph Smith was a fraudster and that the Book of Mormon was not true, he would immediately go back to his old lifestyle. In response, I asked him even if JS and the BofM were proven not to be what they claimed, didn’t his testimony also include Jesus Christ, and aren’t New Testament teachings also against that sort of life? He just shrugged his shoulders and had no answer. He moved away long ago and I haven’t been in contact with him, but I just hope for his sake that he continued to believe fervently in all of the LDS stuff, because Jesus’ teachings were obviously not a big enough part of his testimony to sustain his moral balance. And what might have happened if I had shared with him my skepticism? I think that would have been evil of me.

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Thanks for your thoughtful response. I have shared doubts with a couple of disaffected members among my acquaintances, but I’m careful about that. My wife has a few heresies of her own, but on the whole she is fairly orthodox. Fortunately, she isn’t big on temple attendance, but I don’t feel that I should reveal all my doubts to her. My caution is not just a fear of repercussions for myself; I don’t want to plant seeds of doubt in others. Some people depend heavily, for example, on their belief in the historical veracity of the BofM, and it would be unkind to undermine that. I wish I had time to write more now, but I have an appointment soon.

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