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I agree that’s the honest answer. The Church seems to want to quietly shift from lamanites being primary ancestors to “among” the ancestors, and eventually the pile up of evidence will force them to abandon even that too. The question is will they ever publicly state it? I’m doubting – but I wish they would at least stop officially teaching it. Yes – lesson learned. He didn’t ask at all about what I’ve been doing or studying or praying – just assumed I’m not trying hard enough or don’t really want an answer. The implication was that if I TRULY wanted an answer I would get one. Just feeling frustrated and done tonight. Life goes on…
Well I’m off to today’s opera, plus the pre-opera meeting I attend with the conductor. I’m doing a social experiment today – wearing a non-white shirt just to see how many comments I get. Ever since my calling as EQP, I’ve gone totally orthoprax in my wardrobe, but the fact is, I enjoy wearing my other shirts too so today will be the first time in months. Probably no one will say anything, but I’m curious. Funny how there’s even a stigma around what color shirt men wear… I think that makes sense that doubting God is less threatening than doubting the BoM. After all, we are inundated from the beginning that it is the keystone and if it falls, everything falls with it. We are sold this dichotomy that either it’s all true, or all a big fraud, but I reject that dichotomy. So for me having doubts about anything shouldn’t necessarily be threatening but to those who hold onto that polarizing viewpoint, then doubting the BoM undermines the entire foundation. I can keep it to myself, sure, but he already knows so that genie is out of the bottle. When I meet with him again, I’m sure he’ll ask where I’m at and I won’t lie. My doubts are stronger and my certainties are weaker. The question is whether or not I’ll ask to be released (the focus of my other post)
I guess part of my challenge is I have a hard time separating the obligation and time commitments from my desires. Part of me never wants to spend time away from family or personal interests for calling related stuff, and part of that is my admitted laziness. Another part of me doesn’t want to spend time doing things that matter less when you don’t really believe. But I have been ingrained to accept every calling and to try and “magnify” and it’s hard to get that out of my system. I guess I don’t yet feel comfortable saying no to or just not fulfilling a specific assignment or request and it seems like it would be easier to not be in a position where I get those requests.
I guess another part of me feels that I accepted this calling and then afterwards had a major faith transition. After that change I feel less willing to serve in it, but maybe it could still be for my benefit. I’m torn. Thanks for the great advice so far.
Ann wrote:Kids complicate things. I don’t love the opera, fine. How do I feel about my kids being handed a program and reading that they must attend the opera to be saved, to be happy and right with God. Can we talk about that as a family and shape the message?
Yes! This makes it so hard. I don’t hate the opera (for the most part) and I’m certainly not anti-opera. In fact, if other people love the opera and it works for them, then that’s fine. If my kids grow to love it too, I have no problem with that. But I also feel they should develop love with a full understanding of what the opera really is including it’s history, and my wife doesn’t want me to share the history of the opera with the kids. I’m also fine with others (including my children) loving the opera as long as that passion doesn’t make them look down, think less of, or treat those who don’t love it any less (including myself).
Ann wrote:
And like you said, I have to remember that I used to love the opera and on certain levels accepted what the program told me. I’m the one who changed.
I also try to remember that I am the one who is changing. When we married (in the temple), we made covenants and promises and I’m the one who is changing the deal. I recognize how hard it is on her.
Thanks for your replies. I agree that I’m fortunate to have support. I was hesitant to even go to my bishop because I’ve heard advice on forums against that, but for me it was more of an integrity thing. I felt he should know honestly where I’m at and if he still felt I should stay in my calling, that was his choice. But I felt dishonest serving each week without him knowing my doubts. That said, I still feel some sense of disingenuousness (is that even a word?) about standing up before the quorum. I never testify of things I don’t believe but I also don’t share my doubts and the implication is that I do believe. So there is a bit of discomfort still in this calling but I like to serve. I still may ask to be released in the future, but for now it’s enough for me for the leaders to know where I stand and let them decide.
