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I don’t come on here as much as I used to, but I saw your post and knew I needed to read it. I’ve lost my religion too. I’m barely hanging on to some semblance of Christianity. I have no words of comfort for you, except to say that I understand at least some of what you are going through. Familial relationships, for me, have been the hardest thing about stepping away from the church. I’m rooting for you, and I hope you get whatever you need to carry on. Message me if you ever need someone to listen. I’m still new at everything with my faith transition, but I can be an empathetic ear. Thanks for sharing University! This is definitely an emotional time of year. I thought of a quote i’d like to share with you. “You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes. You can steer yourself any direction you choose. You’re on your own. And you know what you know. And YOU are the one who’ll decide where to go… “So be sure when you step, Step with care and great tact. And remember that life’s A Great Balancing Act. And will you succeed? Yes! You will, indeed! (98 and ¾ percent guaranteed) Kid, you’ll move mountains.”
― Dr. Seuss. Oh The Places You’ll Go
Good luck, and I hope to “see” you around here once in awhile.
Wow! This hit a little too close to home. You’ve inspired me to write my own letter, even though I haven’t had any missionaries come by yet. Thank you for sharing. :clap: And this was his response. Hi dtrom,
Thank you very much for your email! There are some wonderful ideas and thoughts for us to improve. Do you mind if I share these ideas with others? I will leave your name out if you would like for me to. Also, wanted to let you know that I felt impressed yesterday to challenge all of the ward to read the entire Book of Mormon between now and the end of the year. If you read around 5 pages a day, you can finish the Book of Mormon by the end of 2016. Just wanted to invite you and DW to join us, as well.
Let me know if you have other thoughts and ideas. Thank you!
Sincerely,
Bishop (He actually used his real name with no title)
Here is the email that I sent him. Hi Bishop,
Thank you for the conversation on Sunday. You had asked me how you and your counselors could make people/me more welcome at church. I first wanted to state that I have never felt unwelcome at church, including while I have been in 2nd ward. I thought I would just list out some ideas/comments.
1. I do not want to be a project. I want to be treated just the same as I always have been. I don’t want Brother _________ who has never said more than two words to me to start hunting me down.
2. I have heard what members say about people who don’t go to church. Comments usually range from “People only leave because they were offended, lazy or wanted to sin”- to ” People who leave will burn in Hell”- my mother-in-law. I’ve heard many comments similar to these while teaching the Book of Mormon. I think it would be welcoming of the bishopric to try to curb this kind of of talk. Why would inactive members want to come back and associate with people who talk so negatively about them?
Perhaps more conversation could be similar to a great quote from Pres. Uchtdorf- “Sometimes we assume it is because they have been offended or lazy or sinful. Actually, it is not that simple. In fact, there is not just one reason that applies to the variety of situations. Some of our dear members struggle for years with the question whether they should separate themselves from the Church. In this Church that honors personal agency so strongly, that was restored by a young man who asked questions and sought answers, we respect those who honestly search for truth.”
https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2013/10/come-join-with-us?lang=eng&_r=1 3. Let people relate to the church at their own speed. Meet them where they are at, and respect their beliefs. Don’t push them to go faster than what they are ready to go.
4. You can make a purposeful effort to have talks & lessons that validate open mindedness & a big tent.
5. You can speak up in meetings in defense of questions & doubters.
6. You can have a Sunday school class that has more open discussion for those who need it without scaring people who are not ready to go there. Maybe by using the church essays on lds.com as the curriculum.
For a church that teaches its people to be honest and to be willing to stand up for what they believe, there is literally no set up to express doubts and concerns.
7. I expressed doubt in Elder’s Quorum a while back, and one brother who recently moved away said, ” Why would anyone even come to church if they don’t believe?” -Talk like this needs to disappear.
8. Have meet and greets for people to get to know each other — so they don’t just show up for church and that’s it.
9. Do, as well as encourage other to do, service outside of systemized service. It feels more genuine when someone takes an interest in you outside of church obligations.
Ultimately, however, my problems with church come from higher up than the local ward. Thank you for respecting my decision.
Take care,
dtrom
I laughed out loud when I read it. It’s very accurate. It’s like one of those Onion articles that you read and you have to do a double-take to make sure it actually is an Onion article. It reminds me of an elder’s quorum presidency member who gave me the evil eye when I told him that I was not going to make a goal of 100 percent hometeaching every month, and that I would probably be doing it every 2-3 months. Then a year later when we became companions, I was the one setting up HTing visits every 2-3 months. If it wasn’t for me we probably would never have gone. Not to toot my own horn or anything. Hometeaching was something I simplified out of my life last year, and I told the EQ pres I did not want to be on the list anymore. It’s a program I’ve always had such mixed feelings over. It always feels so forced and unpleasant- except when it doesn’t.
amateurparent wrote:What a wonderful conversation with your bishop.
It really was. I saw it going a completely different direction and had already tried to plan for all variables. I didn’t plan for that.
SilentDawning wrote:Perhaps you were in some kind of spiritual flow with the Bishop at this time?
Maybe, I think it might have to do with me having gone through that conversation so many times in my head. I never had to say something that I hadn’t practiced before.
SilentDawning- As always, you were very insightful in your comments. I really appreciate them. I’m going to try to focus more on the “let them relate to the church at their own pace”- as I want to take a step back indefinitely. I did tell him that I would always be available for community service projects.
kate5 wrote:My problems with church come from higher up than the local ward.
Exactly! I know he wants to make it all better for me and other members, but he can only do so much. But I really like that he is trying to improve what he has some control over- making people feel welcome.
harkgrrrl- That’s a wonderful example of speaking up. Every ward needs someone like you.
nibbler wrote:What are your thoughts about continuing on as gospel doctrine teacher? No pressure to answer the question.
Well, this won’t be the first time I’ve succumbed to pressure
🙂 . I’m tired of trying to tip toe around issues. I’m also tired of having to stand there with my mouth shut as some member forcefully bears their testimony that they know the ______________ is true, while I’m trying to teach my lesson. I feel like I’m at my breaking point. If I don’t take a break now, I may make a scene at church.Heber13- My bishop is a really good guy. I’ll share your words in my email.
Sheldon wrote:So the difference now is StayLDS is online, and NOM is not!
I laughed out loud at this, but then I got a little disheartened. I enjoy that site when I’m in the right mood.
That sounds like an awful experience. I’m sorry that all is happening. I know what it’s like to feel lonely at church even though there are literally hundreds of people there. It sucks. I am pretty confident that he will ask you to come and visit him in his office. If this is what you want, then your email could be productive. If he doesn’t try to talk to you, then he is a pretty lousy bishop.
I hope something good can come of this.
I’m glad to hear you are doing better after such an awful accident.
unsure wrote:I think we just need to remember that even if these men are called of God they are still just men.
Old Timer wrote:Our scriptures say not to trust in the arm of flesh.
There are no qualifications in that statement.
These seem to be what a lot of people are saying. When I first visited Staylds, these kinds of statements are what drew me in. It seemed so right to hear that prophets and other leaders are members just like everyone else, and that they are prone to making mistakes just like everyone else. However, it sucks to think that I will spend the next 40-50 years of my life hearing about how perfect the prophets and the church is, and that any issue I have is my fault. I think that is one of my triggers that I need to learn how to deal with. I feel a lot better now that last Sunday is in a more distant past.
nibbler wrote:Would you mind expounding on this idea, the longer you’re away the harder it is to come back. I can guess a few reasons:
Perhaps one reason is that it’s just habit.
The thought of taking a year off sounds so enticing. I also like knowing I have the free agency to take a year off even if I don’t actually do it. (I’m not talking about the “we are all free to choose, but if you choose wrong you’ll go to hell” kind of free agency). I do wonder if I would even come back if I did take a long sabbatical. I would have to train myself to make it a habit again.
Ann- Thanks so much for your post. Those stages gave me a lot to think about. Navigating a Mormon Faith Crisis will now be the next book I buy after I finish my Michael Quinn book.
Ann wrote:Your kids will love you for telling them how it really is.
Thank you for saying that. It’s a huge worry for me.
LookingHard- I’ve skimmed through Gina Colvin’s blog post. I’ll go back and read it thoroughly. She’s awesome, and someone I feel like I can learn a lot from.
Silent Dawning- Thanks for your great advice.I really do need to get out of my calling.
Thank you to everyone for your words. It’s reassuring knowing that there are people out there struggling or who have struggled with the exact same things as me.
I think it’s kind of funny that you posted about this this week. Last Sunday, I arrived at church feeling pretty good. I felt energetic, and I was helping my daughter search for pokemon as we walked around outside the chapel. But, the second I walked into the sacrament room I felt my energy get zapped away. I felt listless, and I had no desire to even move once I sat down. I took a mental note of this, and I’m going to pay attention to see if this will be a continuing occurrence. My energy did not return to me for the rest of the day.
I think this is such a fantastic idea. I live in Kansas, and I try to go to Utah as little as possible (I have in-laws there that are always asking that we come.) However, some kind of meet-up would make the trip more worthwhile. I remember my initiatory pretty clearly. It was in November 2000. I remember freaking out a bit as I was naked under the shield with an older man lightly touching me. It was so uncomfortable. I half expected us all to be basically naked for the start of the endowment. The rest of my first experience in the temple felt almost normal compared to the initiatory- weird hats, green aprons, who cares, at least I’m clothed. I applaud this new change.
Thanks for the well-stated post. I could have written a lot of it myself. I used to pray a lot to ask God to know the truth. I’ve never received what I felt was an answer, but I think I’m ok with that. I now just try to hold onto what is good about the church. If I find anything virtuous, lovely, of good report, or praiseworthy, I seek after it, regardless of the church. I rely more on my conscience. This has made life more interesting and uncertain. Embrace the uncertainty.
