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SilentDawning wrote:
I’d also consider meeting her needs for commitment and initiative some gospel oriented habits in your family — like prayer, and scripture reading. The good part about initiating them is you can pick readings that are not disturbing to you in any way. In fact, you can pick ones you find uplifting and discuss those together without broaching any nasty church topics that can cause disharmony.
Keeping the marriage together is important. My wife just got a job at a family law firm and a divorce can really decimate your financial situation and freedom — alimony, dividing assets, two sets of living expenses etcetera. I would do everything possible to keep the marriage on an even keel as you have done, even if that means making a sacrifice and taking the lead on spiritual things on a semi-regular basis — on a schedule you can tolerate.
Great advice SD. Thanks!
By the way, my DW was much better yesterday. We talked a little and I think she misunderstood when I started to tell her my concerns. She thought I was wanting to leave the church right then. Now that we’ve cleared that up, I think we may be able to have some more discussion without assuming the worst (on both sides).
🙂 Thanks LH & Heber. Knowing that I’m not the only one with similar issues really helps a lot. As much as I want to talk to my DW about the issues I struggle with, I just can’t. It only gets worse unless we have a good mediator. I’m seeing a new therapist next week and we’ll see how that goes. Thanks for the pointer to the unequally yoked podcast. I’ll have to check it out!
6 month update – After several counseling sessions together, things between my DW and I got a lot better. I got a new job and we moved away in August, which was good for us to kind of start over again in a new place, despite the stress of moving, selling/buying a home, kids adjusting to new schools, etc. I’ve really been struggling the past week or so with the new policies regarding SSM, and the explanations that have been given from official church sources. I don’t understand the reasoning behind them and it doesn’t feel inspired of God to me. Yesterday, my DW could sense that I was troubled and asked what was wrong. I told her that I was sad, and didn’t really want to go into it, but I told her we could talk later in the evening. It did not go well. She doesn’t understand why I can’t just have faith and believe. She believes very strongly that the prophet (or the brethren) will never lead us astray. Then she got very emotional and a floodgate of other stuff came out, like she was feeling alone and has had to take the lead in spiritual matters in our home (daily scripture study, gathering kids for family prayer, bearing testimony, etc.). I felt like crap, but didn’t lash back. I just said I was so sorry and that I am not perfect, but I am trying to have faith and do what is right.
It didn’t help that our bishop was conducting in SM and brought up the turmoil surrounding the SSM policy and a discussion he had with his daughter about it. He read a quote from a GA about not listening to voices from strangers in the great and spacious building on social media.
I’ve never gotten over some really bad experiences I had about 30 years ago with the temple endowment and my mission that still cause me pain to this day. I’m afraid these negative experiences are still preventing me from full participation and enjoyment in the church today. I’ve tried counseling before, but I committed to my DW to call today to set up an appointment with a counselor to try again to work through these issues (which I have done). I also want to start again with marital counseling and get into my faith transition issues and how they affect our marriage (we didn’t get that far before).
I know my DW is really worried that I’m going to leave the church. I have no intentions of doing so, but I’m really struggling for reasons to stay (other than staying married and not breaking up our family). I am not edified or uplifted by going to church now – in fact, quite the opposite. My DW made it very clear to me that God (and the church) come before me, and if it comes down to a choice, she will choose the church over me. Ouch! I can’t blame her – she didn’t sign up for this. She thought she was marrying a man with a strong testimony when she married me. I continue to disappoint her expectations for a rightous husband and father in our home.
Not the worst day ever, but I still feel like crap. Any words of wisdom for me?
Heber13 wrote:Simple and briefly, I will say
“I don’t like it. It feels like too much policy and not enough gospel.
Mark 10:14″
Perfect answer for me!
slowlylosingit wrote:I personally am embarrassed to be called a Mormon right now and don’t want to be branded as one.
I hear you and I feel the same way. I don’t want to resign, but I can certainly empathize with others who do so and I’m embarrassed of my church right now.
Now that I read the FP letter again, I’m not so sure why I felt somewhat better the first time I read it. This part does seem to soften things a bit: Quote:The provisions of Handbook 1, Section 16.13, that restrict priesthood ordinances for minors,
apply only to those children whose primary residence is with a couple living in a same-gender marriage or similar relationship. As always, local leaders may request further guidance in particular instances when they have questions. And the rumors I’ve heard of a missionary (child of SSM) who was sent home because of this policy, seems to be unfounded because of the “grandfathering” clarification that this does not prevent children of SSM who have already been baptized to progress:
Quote:When a child living with such a same-gender couple has already been baptized and is actively participating in the Church,
provisions of Section 16.13 do not require that his or her membership activities or priesthood privileges be curtailed or that further ordinances be withheld. Decisions about any future ordinances for such children should be made by local leaders with their prime consideration being the preparation and best interests of the child. I do sense a softening of the interpretation of the policy a tiny bit, and giving some opportunity for local leaders to counsel with other higher authorities in making considerations for unique circumstances. This still has problems (leadership roulette), but I see a little bit of wiggle room with the policy interpretation, and that’s a positive. I still hope that something good can come from this policy. I think it is going to take time (probably more than 3 weeks), but I hope it will happen.
I still disagree with the policy, and I think that it has done and will do more harm than good.
Micheal Otterson has provided another PR spin on the policy, titled “Understanding the Handbook”, which some may be interested in reading. For me, this didn’t help, but here it is:
http://www.mormonnewsroom.org/article/commentary-understanding-the-handbook First Presidency Clarifies Church Handbook Changes More than anything else, this has helped me feel less bad about the new policy. I still don’t like it, but it helps.
Church Provides Context on Handbook Changes Affecting Same-Sex Marriages http://www.mormonnewsroom.org/article/handbook-changes-same-sex-marriages-elder-christofferson?HP_FR_11-6-2015_dPAD_fCNWS_xLIDyL1-A_ ” class=”bbcode_url”> http://www.mormonnewsroom.org/article/handbook-changes-same-sex-marriages-elder-christofferson?HP_FR_11-6-2015_dPAD_fCNWS_xLIDyL1-A_ SALT LAKE CITY —
In a video interview Friday in Salt Lake City, Elder D. Todd Christofferson of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints reaffirmed the Church’s position on marriage and outlined handbook changes in Church policy affecting same-sex couples and their children. The interview will help Church members, the media and the public better understand the context and purpose of the changes, which have been discussed extensively in the news media, on social media and elsewhere.
I’ve really been struggling to make the church work for me in spite of my doubts and things that I just can’t accept as being inspired of God (such as polygamy). I am not a millenial, and I am not gay, but this new policy troubles me greatly. How could something so un-Christ-like come from a church that is led by God? How do I and others that are so bothered by this still stay LDS? Help me out here. I’m grabbing at straws.
😯 Thank you for your introduction! So many things you said about how you are feeling I couldn’t have written better to describe me, especially where you are at now. This is a good place for you to be, and I hope you can find comfort here. I’m trying to make things work by staying, but it is a really hard place to be. I look at the church so differently now, and it is so hard for me to not be angry when I go to church, attend the temple, or read scriptures. I really feel blindsided too, with the whitewashed history that I’ve grown up with and putting prophets and general authorities on such a pedestal. I agree that the Church essays are a step in the right direction, but so few people know about them or would even read them if they knew. I’m really sick of TBM mormons, but it seems they are all around me and there is no way to escape it.
You are definitely not alone. I hope you can find some comfort here. Send me a PM if you’d like to talk further.
Yes, it was a little “out there”. I don’t see it happening in my lifetime either. But it was interesting! Sent from my XT1528 using Tapatalk
Holy Cow wrote:Roy wrote:Yes, I think the title of “President” or “CEO” or even “first Elder” could be more accurrate without all the other baggage that might be associated with the term of prophet, seer, and revelator.
I agree. I wish the church would just refer to the head of the church as the president of the church, rather than the prophet. I would find it much easier to listen to the advice of a president, than listening to a prophet who might be speaking for God, or just offering his opinion, or whatever else. But, then we wouldn’t be able to say that God is still speaking to us through his prophets, I guess.
🙄
I agree! But then we would have to change the words of the primary song to “follow the president, follow the president, follow the president, he knows the way”![emoji1]
startpoor wrote:Hey FS, I just gave you temple advice on another thread but thought I should check out your life experience and see where you’re coming from
I’m curious if there have been any new developments since joining here. Does your ward still see you as active? Have you been able to communicate with your wife more? It sounds like you’re married to an understanding person, but even so, these things are tough.
SP, Thanks for the advice on the other thread!
I’m still really struggling right now.
:crazy: Lots of family issues – some that are related to religion and orthodoxy, but others that are not. My DW and I are not united in our parenting styles and our relationship is on the rocks. We are trying to work things out with family and marriage counseling, but we have a long way to go still.My ward still sees me as active. I attend church every week, even though I don’t enjoy it very often and I wouldn’t attend regularly if it were just up to me. I still have a calling, although it is much less demanding than the one I had before and I enjoy it. My beliefs are not orthodox anymore – they really haven’t been for a long time, but I’ve tried to act as though they were. I’m really growing tired of not being authentic, but I fear that any changes in my outward actions toward the Church would upset my home life even more.
My DW is a very compassionate person, but with all the other things going on with our kids and other conflicts in our relationship, I can’t talk with her about my own feelings. I’m trying to focus on the things that we do have in common and support her in any way that I can right now, just to try to have some peace at home.
That’s where I’m at. I’m hopeful things will get better, but right now things are pretty bleak.
startpoor wrote:A woman in our ward has been a new member for a few years now. She was recently endowed and came to church the next day with a look of horror and bewilderment. It was as though the church she had known now looked so strange and foreign to her.
That was my experience too. I haven’t found joy in attending the temple since, except on my wedding day and baptizing my kids there. I really don’t have the desire to attend at all right now (and I haven’t for several months). But my TBM DW loves the temple. I don’t want to go, but I don’t want to stop her from going, either. What’s the best way to navigate this conflict? When I go just to please her, it makes me resent going even more. But I know it really bothers her that I don’t want to go.
