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LookingHard wrote:
You can asked to be released just because you want to be released.
I just did. My former calling was eating me up inside with all the cognitive dissonance it was causing me, so I asked to be released. It’s been a huge relief to me to be released from that calling (I still have another less-involved calling).
Ultimately it is up to you. If you feel like you can be an influence for good without destroying your own mental health, then I say go for it (stay in your calling, but serve on your own terms)!
bridget_night wrote:My thoughts: I have read this paper by Bryce Cook. PLEASE read it also. It’s long, but worth every single minute of your time. I cannot encourage you strongly enough.
It is EVERYTHING. In all the years on the front lines working for LGBT equality and the millions of pages I’ve read on this topic, this is far and away the BEST of it all. Every single member of the church should read this. THANK YOU for this amazing labor of love, Bryce. May it change hearts and minds, and save lives. ❤
If the doctrine of the LDS Church matters to you, especially in relation to LGBT family, this is a must read. This article is a masterpiece. It is a compilation of everything I have felt in my heart but didn’t have all the resources to connect all the dots. The waters of LDS/LGBT theology have been muddied to the extent that it really does take a 60+ page article to unwind. Much like blacks and the priesthood, the temple ban had been practiced for so long,
:thumbup: This is so great! Thanks so much for sharing.amateurparent wrote:
The problem isn’t going to the opera. Going to the opera is a healthy thing to do.The problem is being told that I will be joining the opera and the rest of my life will be focused on preparing for opera, performing in opera events, memorizing lines, mentoring opera singers and constantly advertising every day for the next operatic event. It is being told I need to give away a certain number of tickets at work .. and knowing that my colleagues all prefer hip-hop and heavy metal.
And recognizing that while I don’t hate opera, I would like to listen to some hip-hop, rock and country and figure out what music I really do prefer. And feeling a little uneasy when I realize I don’t really like opera very much.
This!
Like it or not, my whole life revolves around the opera.
Welcome! Your story sounds a lot like mine. I’ve been skeptical about a lot of what I’ve been taught growing up along the Wasatch Front, but never really allowed myself to really question things until recently (the last 5 years or so). I’m still actively attending, but I’m not very believing (mostly agnostic now) and I don’t enjoy most things about being a member. I stay now primarily for my wife, although it’s really eating me up inside. I have a lot of anger toward the corporate church and the damage it has caused to my own mental health and my family. I do still see a lot of good in the Church among the thorns, and I try to focus on that. I’m not sure what I know or believe anymore. Truth has always been a focus of mine, but it just isn’t that important anymore. I’ve found it to be much more productive to focus on beauty and goodness instead.
Welcome again and I hope you will find this community to be helpful!
lucysmack wrote:I have had the DNA testing done also. I don’t know if you knew this, but it only tracks one side of your ancestors, depending if you are female or male. If you are female it only tells you where your mothers side of the family is from. If you want to know where your fathers family is from you have to have your father or brothers take the test. So it is still possible you have german ancestors, it’s just that you will have to have someone in the family of the opposite sex tested. I hope that made since.
This depends on what kind of DNA testing you get. Autosomal DNA testing (which is the most popular and affordable – and the only type of DNA testing that Ancestry.com offers) tests both your maternal and paternal sides. DNA testing (only for males) that follows the father’s line (surname) is Y-DNA testing. Similarly, Mitochondrial DNA testing only tracks the mother’s-mother’s-mother’s line.https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Genealogical_DNA_test Also, ethnicity estimates that are provided by any of the DNA testing companies are very rough estimates, and depend highly on the reference populations used to compare testing results. If you do autosomal testing with three different testing companies, you will get three different (sometimes very different) results.
Reuben, This is so thoughtful and well-written. It’s anything but a hare-brained scheme! Dare I even say that it is inspired?
Thank you for sharing this! I’m pulling for you and hope this works in your ward.
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Holy Cow wrote:Does anybody else find that being an active, but unorthodox, member of the church is just as draining as being an orthodox member?
Yes, probably even more so! (from a fellow llama that outwardly looks like a sheep).Holy Cow wrote:So, I guess my question is: what do you do to find a desire to stay active when you really don’t want to be there?
I need some help with this one too. I’m burned out, and I really don’t want to be there. Maybe I just need a sabbatical.Reuben wrote:Here’s an analogy I came up with to try to explain (to myself of course) why going to Church is hard now: it’s like I’ve learned that my dad is actually dead, while all of my grown siblings insist that he’s alive and well. Going to Church is like going to a family reunion where they’ve propped up a life-sized cardboard cutout of our dad in the living room.
“Isn’t it great that Dad can be here with us?”
“Here, have a steak. It’s from Dad.”
“Why don’t you get Dad a drink? Just hold the bottle up to his lips and tip… yeah, like that.”
“Are you feeling okay? Well, of course you should. Dad’s here! You should spend some quality time with him before you go.”
Love this analogy!
Patrick Mason talks about the “truth” cart and how we (as a Church or as individuals) tend to put things in the “truth” cart that really don’t belong there. Over time, we can get more and more weighed down with the load until something like this happens: 
[img]http://motivationfactor.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/10/Overload_p24.jpg [/img] Many of us who have experienced a faith crisis feel like this poor donkey. We either have to unload some of the weight from the “truth” cart and carry a lighter load, or shed the cart completely once the load has been removed.
nibbler wrote:I doubt it will ever be the case but I sure hope that “religious freedom” doesn’t become the church’s theme of 2017.
I also hope “religious freedom” isn’t the brethren’s theme for 2017, but it already seems that the momentum is building.Beautiful story! Thanks so much for sharing, mom3! Love this quote from Uchtdorf, mentioned in the article:
Quote:“Because love is the great commandment, it ought to be at the center of all and everything we do in our own family…Love is the healing balm that repairs rifts in personal and family relationships. It is the bond that unites families … Love is the fire that warms our lives with unparalleled joy and divine hope. Love should be our walk and our talk.”
That is just what I needed today.
kate5, Thanks for starting this topic. And thanks for all the thoughtful replies from everyone. I also have a really hard time with going to the temple. In fact, my own endowment was the start of my 30+ year faith crisis. I’ve never enjoyed the temple experience, but my wife loves the temple. I’ve really tried to learn to enjoy it or at least tolerate it, but it just causes too much anxiety and stress and I really resent going. I am much better off emotionally when I don’t go. I actually experience PTSD-like symptoms when I do endowments, or even think about it.
For many years of my marriage, my wife and I would attend the temple regularly. Lots of “date nights” at the temple. She really enjoyed this, but I didn’t. Within the last couple years, I opened up to her about how I feel about the temple, and we haven’t been together for over a year, except for a wedding or two. I really want her to go, but she doesn’t want to go without me. To her, I think going alone just emphasizes the fact that we are not on the same page, and so she avoids going on her own too.
How can I help support her (and help fulfill her spiritual needs) without her feeling like we are far apart spiritually? Any ideas?
Shawn, I’m so sorry. I think I get a little of how you feel. I’m going through a similar situation with my wife. We have other issues that divide us, but faith (or lack thereof) is certainly at the core. I have lost my faith that the Church is “true” or led by God, yet I realize that many (or even most) people that attend are fulfilled spiritually by attending. My wife certainly is.
I’m still orthoprax and hold a calling, but going to Church is sometimes really hard – even toxic to me. The only way I can deal with it now is to treat it as a completely man-made organization, with both good and bad. I like to hold on to that which is good, and just dismiss anything that doesn’t feel right to me. I don’t even try to wrestle with whether it is “true” or inspired anymore.
I wish I had answers. I’m just a fellow unbeliever that is struggling to keep my sanity and family intact. Know that you are not alone.
LookingHard wrote:Thanks. What I am thinking about after all these comments is possibly going a bit slower.
One issue I felt was nudging me to just “get it over with” was my expectation that if I try to do it slowly I will still end up having that same conversation coming down to “I don’t believe”. But just like I overloaded a bit when coming out to my wife, maybe it would help if the ward leadership had some time to process me backing out a bit even if eventually I get that call of “the bishop would like to talk with you” at a later time.
Still thinking and I have not made up my mind.
You’ve obviously put a lot of thought into this and your decision is not a hasty one. But I do see a lot of value in coming out slowly to your ward as well. This doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t ask to be released. Even Elder Ballard seemed to hint in his talk at the last conference that some of us need to take a break sometimes. (Just stay on the boat!)
Elder Ballard wrote:It is a natural and normal thing to occasionally pause on the path to catch our breath, to recalculate our bearings, and to reconsider our pace. Not everyone needs to pause on the path, but there is nothing wrong with doing so when your circumstances require. In fact, it can be a positive thing for those who take full advantage of the opportunity to refresh themselves with the living water of the gospel of Christ.
You’re still planning on attending Sacrament Meeting with your wife, so it’s not like you will be going totally inactive. The great thing about “taking a break” is that you decide what that means and when (or if) you are ever ready to accept a calling or become more involved in the future.Another thing that may help you is to bear an uncorrelated testimony in testimony meeting from time to time. Testify of the things you truly believe and have hope for, and don’t hesitate to throw in a thing or two that you struggle with. The testimonies that I love to hear the most are the ones that are “real” and expose doubts and imperfections and real, heartfelt feelings. I’ve always hesitated to bear my testimony in Sacrament Meeting because I didn’t feel like I could testify of things that I don’t “know.” I have a completely different concept of what a testimony is now, and I’m just trying to talk myself into getting the guts to stand up and bear my honest “testimony.”
Above all, do what
youfeel is best for you. Good luck and let us know how it all shakes out!
