[fnts]

Hi Jamie, I’m also new to the forum. Your thoughts are a lot like mine. I’ve spent a lot of time reconstructing what a testimony is and what it means to “know”. I now recognize that what I used to think were confirmations from the Holy Ghost are better described as emotional responses to things that resonate with me. That was a difficult thing for me to accept for a long time because of the implications for my life.

jamie988 wrote:

I feel like I’ve lost part of my identity.

Very well put. That’s how I felt – like everything I based my actions on for my whole life had been pulled out from under me and I didn’t have anything left to stand on. But with some time, I’ve started to rebuild my foundation.

I used to pray to know that the church was true, having total confidence I would eventually receive a grand confirmation, something I could never shrug off as being just another emotion. Only after a lot of years did the thought enter my mind that I might not ever get that.

jamie988 wrote:

The church by it’s very design is all or nothing – true or false – and there’s no room for an in-betweener like me.

At first I felt the same way, and honestly I’m not totally sure yet whether I can make it in that in-between land. But, like you, I find so many things about the church that I like, and even want to be true. So I choose to continue practicing and we’ll see where the road takes me.

Good luck on your journey.

[fnts]

Thank you all. It is reassuring to hear from others who have been in my situation. Until now, I have been very reluctant to express any doubt. And if I did it was always in a vague, third person, hypothetical sort of comment – “what would you think of someone who might not totally believe…” The answers I get are totally predictable. “He should read his scriptures more”, “He’s too focused on worldly things”, “He’s a sinner”, etc. So it is refreshing to hear from other’s who have been there.

BDMormon, I will definitely check out those podcasts, thanks.

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