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I’m sorry ragdollsallyut. Excellent comment Roy. Spot on. Here is the gist of believing in a just moral world. It keeps us from having to fear and face reality, from having to face the difficult challenge of empathy. Quote:Why Do We Blame Victims?
By Juliana Breines, Ph.D. on November 24, 2013 – 8:26pm
In October, Jonathan Martin, a football player on the Miami Dolphins, left the team due to mistreatment from teammates, which included receiving threatening phone messages from another player. The incident has raised concerns about hazing within the NFL, but it has also prompted some to suggest that Martin himself bears at least partial responsibility for his fate. For example, another NFL player stated in an interview that Martin is “just as much to blame because he allowed it to happen” and should have behaved like a man. Others have argued that Martin was oversensitive and made himself an easy target.
This sort of victim blaming is not unique to bullying cases. It can be seen when rape victims’ sexual histories are dissected, when people living in poverty are viewed as lazy and unmotivated, when those suffering from mental or physical illness are presumed to have invited disease through poor lifestyle choices. There are cases where victims may indeed hold some responsibility for their misfortunate, but all too often this responsibility is overblown and other factors are discounted. Why are we so eager to blame victims, even when we have seemingly nothing to gain?
Victim blaming is not just about avoiding culpability—it’s also about avoiding vulnerability. The more innocent a victim, the more threatening they are. Victims threaten our sense that the world is a safe and moral place, where good things happen to good people and bad things happen to bad people. When bad things happen to good people, it implies that no one is safe, that no matter how good we are, we too could be vulnerable. The idea that misfortune can be random, striking anyone at any time, is a terrifying thought, and yet we are faced every day with evidence that it may be true.
In the 1960s, social psychologist Dr. Melvin Lerner conducted a famous serious of studies in which he found that when participants observed another person receiving electric shocks and were unable to intervene, they began to derogate the victims. The more unfair and severe the suffering appeared to be, the greater the derogation. Follow up studies found that a similar phenomenon occurs when people evaluate victims of car accidents, rape, domestic violence, illness, and poverty. Research conducted by Dr. Ronnie Janoff-Bulman suggests that victims sometimes even derogate themselves, locating the cause of their suffering in their own behavior, but not in their enduring characteristics, in an effort to make negative events seem more controllable and therefore more avoidable in the future.
Lerner theorized that these victim blaming tendencies are rooted in the belief in a just world, a world where actions have predictable consequences and people can control what happens to them. It is captured in common phrases like “what goes around comes around” and “you reap what you sow.” We want to believe that justice will come to wrongdoers, whereas good, honest people who follow the rules will be rewarded. Research has found, not surprisingly, that people who believe that the world is a just place are happier and less depressed. But this happiness may come at a cost—it may reduce our empathy for those who are suffering, and we may even contribute to their suffering by increasing stigmatization.
So is the only alternative to belief in a just world a sense of helplessness and depression? Not at all. People can believe that the world is full of injustice but also believe that they are capable of making the world a more just place through their own actions. One way to help make the world a better place to fight the impulse to rationalize others’ suffering, and to recognize that it could have just as soon been us in their shoes. This recognition can be unsettling, but it may also be the only way that we can truly open our hearts to others’ suffering and help them feel supported and less alone. What the world may lack in justice we can at least try to make up for in compassion.
I prayers and thoughts go with you and your daughter. The last paragraph is really what we can do(each of us) to help prevent it.
https://www.lds.org/manual/teachings-of-presidents-of-the-church-ezra-taft-benson/chapter-11-follow-the-living-prophet?lang=eng ” class=”bbcode_url”> https://www.lds.org/manual/teachings-of-presidents-of-the-church-ezra-taft-benson/chapter-11-follow-the-living-prophet?lang=eng Some things aren’t local.
Hi DJ. This is an area the really lacks in understanding and teaching. So much so that the eldest and most TBM in my family tree refused to make any more promises to anyone once they reached old age(around 55-60 or so). The reason is they had made so many promises they were determined but could not ultimately keep in the church, they refused to make any more, even for something as simple as “can I visit you next year?” They knew and learned the hard way what things in this article point out and as such vowed not to make any more. Given the lessons I hear in the manual and at GC I would say that would be wiser position to take (less destructive)then what I hear being taught from the lesson manual and GC. However promises of intent are better(less destructive) then none as this article outlines. But if I had to choose between what I read in the manual and GC And my grandmothers and great great aunt position then I would choose their wise well learned experience rather then what I was taught in church. Ultimately being human makes us incapable if long term absolute promises, because the irony is in order to keep them and be all binding we would have had to know fully all the situations that might evolve surrounding it in the future and be aware if all our feelings with them(something rather impossible given who we are in our present state). However intent and good will to keep good intents and acts of love toward one another is crucial to growing. Just remember that those who make promises even to us(ourselves) may and probably will at one point have circumstances; beyond their control that make them unable or at much to great a sacrifice for them to ultimately carry out. Asking them to forfill it anyway is not an act of love or charity, it’s an act of selfishness and ego or pride. I like this article because it bears forth a real genuine truth to the elephant I’m the room that is ignored or tried to make look false that we all should be engaging in when we make promises or are excepting or asking them of others and the positions we sometimes put ourselves and others in when asking that they forfill them even at the great cost and sacrifice to them or us. Let us be more open and honest and candid about the real realities of promises. Both with ourselves and others.
Quote:By Melissa Ritter, Ph.D.
Keeping promises is considered a measure of one’s worth—we prize being “as good as our word.” Yet each of us has struggled to keep some of our promises, often feeling like failures when we’ve been unable to do so.
Why is it sometimes hard to keep a promise?
Promises are avowals of intent, large and small, that mark a wide range of interpersonal events—from marriage to specific behavior toward another person to the completion of tasks at home or at work. Promises require us to declare a conscious objective: We will love our partner for life. We will never do the thing the other person does not want us to do (or always do the thing they want us to do). We will get the job done.
But people have so many out-of-awareness thoughts and feelings, we may not “know” of our unconscious ambivalence about a stated commitment.
There are a number of commonly understood reasons promises are broken, including that our feelings, capacity, or circumstances have changed over time. The fading of romantic love for one’s partner is emblematic of this—what once was is no more. The death of a loved one, the loss of a job, the birth of a child, falling in love, and developing illness, to list but a few, are all events that can shift our feelings and consequent behavior—often monumentally. We may no longer have the capability or willingness to keep a specific promise, or it may no longer benefit those concerned to do so.
Deeper Causes
Less obvious are the internal conflicts that are out of our awareness at the time a promise is made. Take the forever promise, as in, “I will love you forever,” “I will be your friend forever,” or “I will stay with you forever.” Most of us have said something like this to at least one person in our lives. And most of us meant it sincerely when we said it. At least we consciously believed we did.
However, only a fraction of our thoughts and feelings are in our awareness at any moment, and we often focus exclusively on those feelings that are most favorable and least threatening to our sense of well being. So, we know we want the other person in our lives forever, but we might not be aware of concurrent feelings of doubt, fear and anger. Or we might have some vague uncertainty hovering at the edges of awareness—Hmmmm, maybe I am not so sure—but we don’t attend to this feeling, because we imagine it would put our connection to the other in jeopardy.
People are psychologically organized to protect against emotional distress by keeping unsettling thoughts and feelings out of mind. We don’t want to acknowledge that our romantic partnership requires strained compromise, or that our unhappiness at work is interfering with our job performance.
How It Plays Out
We are reluctant to face painful realities.
A young man in my practice lamented the end of a long-term relationship with his partner. They had lived together for many years—forever had been promised—and the breakup was extremely distressing for them both. “I loved him, I really did,” he said tearfully, “but I sort of always knew…it wasn’t as deep and enlivening as I wanted.”
From very early in this romantic relationship, my patient felt contradictory emotions simultaneously: He loved his partner, while also hazily sensing dissatisfaction and despair, feelings that did not draw his conscious attention—after all, he and his partner did make a cozy and gratifying life together.
To acknowledge significant negative feelings was frightening to my patient. He did not want to lose the relationship, but was also dimly aware of irritation, boredom, and loneliness. As this conflict entered his conscious awareness, he was able to explore—with relief, as well as anxiety—previously unrecognized feelings. He emerged sad, but also hopeful.
The same phenomenon can interfere with keeping less significant promises as well, like promising to complete a task by a certain deadline. When you say, “I will have it to you by next week! No problem!” your conscious intent to do the job on time is wholehearted—you are going to do what you said you’d do. You want to.
But, hold on: Maybe you unconsciously resent having to do the task, or are worried you won’t do it well enough, or regret choices that led to this unwelcome demand on your time. And so, somehow, the work doesn’t get completed because a part of you never wanted to promise you’d do it in the first place.
Should We Ever Promise?
Trying as best one can to keep promises is crucial. These interpersonal contracts facilitate trust and love. But since so much is out of our awareness, are we all doomed to keep making promises we cannot keep?
Well, yes.
People will always struggle against themselves. We disregard human complexity when we harshly criticize others—and ourselves—for “failing” to feel and behave exactly as promised.
But we can make a concerted effort to know ourselves better, to attend to that which we might prefer to ignore. Then, when we make a promise, we can be alert to the possibility of having contradictory feelings. This is one goal of psychoanalytic therapy: to bring out-of-awareness thoughts and feelings into our conscious minds. But, of course, one needn’t enter therapy to look inward with friendly determined curiosity before making a promise.
Sometimes we make huge sacrifices to accomplish certain things. But such pain of sacrifices have no right to be asked of or persuaded by others. Only with a intent to help ourselves or others with the knowledge things may go worse then anticipated or cause more suffering then is permissible even to ourselves. Like wise a golden rule is to never make promises that require long term depression or pain to an exchange for a far off promise. No human could ethically ever be held accountable for that(that’s just far to selfish for anyone to ask). It’s about helping others but with reasonable expectations of ourselves and others in the process.
My apologize if there suppose to be American or English movies but i watch from around the world. 1-Blade
2- Kung Fu Hustle-Hong Kong
3- the Last Samurai
4-Pans Labyrinth- Spanish
5- Chocolate- Thai
6- Tombstone
7- Ip Man- Japanese
8- Alien
9-127 hours
10- Prometheus
11-True Lies
12-good will hunting
13–coming to America
14-nobody knows- Japanese(think that’s pg-13 though).
That’s all that’s off the top of my head, may add more later.
Hope some of are of some use to you.
Mostly movies with values or identity or history I can relate to or plots of redemption or empathy.
Mike wrote:SamBee, what would be an example of an “external cause” of mental illness?
http://www.mentalhelp.net/poc/view_doc.php?type=doc&id=13012&cn=5 ” class=”bbcode_url”> http://www.mentalhelp.net/poc/view_doc.php?type=doc&id=13012&cn=5 A small sampling of external and environmental+ social causes Mike.
Quote:A variety of social or relational interactions or events can trigger depression. Some common examples include:
Death of a loved one
Divorce or marital problems such as infidelity
Loss of a job, financial problems, or poverty leading to homelessness
A chaotic, unsafe, and dangerous home life such as violence in the family
Abusive relationships that undermine self-confidence
Social failures such as friendships
Moving to another city
Experiences that cause learned helplessness in which one believes that they have no control in life
Serious trauma such as abuse, neglect, rape, etc.
Social isolation
Abusing drugs and alcohol
Overwork
Poor diet, including excess caffeine or sugar
Lack of exercise
Poor sleep
Lack of leisure time as well as fun and recreational activities
Environmental Causes
Synthetic chemicals, in the form of food additives and preservatives, pesticides, hormones and drugs, and industrial byproducts, are bombarding our bodies at an unprecedented rate. In this article, we use the term “environmental causes” to describe environmental contributions to depression which are present in our environment in the form of air, water and food pollution. Other non-chemical sources of environmental stress include noise pollution, electrical pollution natural disasters, and other catastrophic environmental events. Although some authors consider events like childhood abuse, prolonged stress at home or work, coping with the loss of a loved one, or traumatic events as environmental, we classify them as social and relational causes of depression.
Recently, a small body of research suggests that electrical pollution may be linked to mood disorders. Electrical pollution is caused by the radio waves generated by the electrical equipment we use in our modern world. Electrical pollution is invisible, silent, odorless, and tasteless. Some United States military researchers have found that particular radio wavelengths can promote depression and rage. Larger, more controlled studies are necessary to determine the exact relationship between mood and radio waves.
Natural disasters such as destructive hurricanes, tsunamis, and earthquakes, as well as man-made catastrophic and traumatic events such as September 11, 2001 can contribute to an already vulnerable person’s susceptibility to depression. In addition, a person with very little innate propensity to become depressed can also develop symptoms after they encounter a significant and traumatic environmental trigger such as the annihilation of their home by a hurricane.
Our level of exposure to some of these environmental factors is partially under our control. For example, if water quality is bad in your area, you may be able to use an inexpensive water filter. Similarly, if you believe that your health is being affected by chemical or electrical sensitivity, you may be able to take steps to avoid these substances.
Hi DJ. I try to give a grave of reference. I grew up in a heavy handed house. In that reference based on the things I heard through-out my life I would place that on a 2 2.5 at most out of 10, 10 being the most heavy handed. In they light I don’t see at at all as heavy handed. It would be one of the least heavy handed things I have heard even in things like GC. Old-Timer wrote:Quote:Sometimes I wish the signs of the second coming were flowers in people’s hair, a decrease in violent crime, an increase in charity, etc. so people would comb the news looking for positive things to validate their faith.
:thumbup: [emoji4] I like this a lot. I have always thought that hey, if we’re going to use confirmation bias to look for things generally we should look for positive things with it at least.
[img]http://img.tapatalk.com/d/14/08/07/pehazyba.jpg [/img] Ya, fear for obedience. But hey the house alarm industry sells alarm with the same tactics. Generally used to try to bring a desired behavior by an authority figure marketing through sales behavior.
Mainstream news media to shape behavior to generate ratings for y2K etc.
Younger generation apathy for the 2nd coming? That’s because they grew up and connected commercials like this…”the more you know …do…do….do” [emoji38]with the boy that cried wolf. Asking just how many times can wolf be cried before ….? Learning about many past generations crying wolf, generating fear. But they don’t get angry over it generally. Just shake their head and move on. Quite a mature response considering the fear and anxiety or hate of previous generations over this.
Here is a vet short list of some of the latest attempts for fun.
Shades of Grey wrote:Quote:The world is made for people who aren’t cursed with self-awareness.”
I might change it to change “made for” to “run by” – but the general message is excellent for those who find themselves here, I think.
I really like this Ray. I’ve been thinking about it for a while. Two thoughts: Could this quote be interchangeable with
“The Church is made for people who aren’t cursed with (more evolved) self-awarwness? “
We know self awareness is the one distinction that makes us as humans different than any other of God’s creations. With this in mind, varing levels of detectable self- awareness do exist among mankind. We say it all the time “so and so person is ” very self-aware “. It almost implies (with all humility) a further evolution of said person.
Pointed question: Is this possible further evolution/progression of self awareness (again.. with all humility it is out of our control) that detectable differentness that makes the Stay LDSer type?
Extend this to anyone in this world in similar situation whom is demanded to see with much nuance that doesn’t seem to fit.. and they find the way to fit while helping to aid the progress others?
Any and all thoughts please…
Yes there are known differences in self-awareness among people as their is among animals. But that is where I must humbly discard the notion that we are the only species that god made that is self aware. Humans
Orangutans
Chimpanzees
Gorillas
Bottlenose Dolphins
Elephants
Orcas
Bonobos
Rhesus Macaques
European Magpies
These are all known now to be self aware, some such as dolphins and orcas have displayed very high self awareness, critical thought, creativity, mourning of family and close friends along with high depression and anxiety when separated from those with close bonds(some even killing themselves when they realize the family/mate isn’t coming back through death or getting left behind or separated.
It’s a common misconception. They as well as we have displayed varying levels of self awareness.
However it’s a nervous moral issue as that’s a boundary we openly state to justify the way we treat various people and animals with their relation to people in the world. Especially since babies, certain disabilities and injures people display a lack of self awareness much lower then many tested animals and cetaceans.
With more knowledge and stillness with awareness of ones own self and their relationship to others and the world brings more acute sensitivity and awareness. However in many studies people preferred to choose to be electrocuted then be left alone contemplating their own thoughts. As such I guess many choose to not be self-aware. It seems to bring discomfort and pain to many.
Ya umm, that’s kind of my life story. As a result I spends life protecting and friendships my those in various cultures that are or have been as well. Try to realize that the anger is just the outward manifestation of a inner anxiety. It mask itself to cover the anxiety so as not to show insecurity and vulnerability.
Fighting(with him/herself) to keep assumptive world view and identity from being damaged(changed).
Most of it if not all of it playing out on a unconscious level.
Logic or facts will only entrench so try to resist if you get thoughts to.
Better to keep personal space in the face of dogma.
Also some mistakes like this can cost people there marriage.
Once policing starts it goes toward resentment which accumulates over time as the policing continues.
Try to be understanding of her now, what position she is in.
DBMormon wrote:Thanks Everyone. I tried to add as much as I could of the general ideas spoken about and I will let you know how this goes.
Bill
Generally anything that facilitates better understanding and compassion between people is progress and a accomplishment.
Prayers are with you.
Quote:― C. JoyBell C.
Psychological manipulation can be defined as the exercise of undue influence through mental distortion and emotional exploitation, with the intention to seize power, control, benefits, and privileges at the victim’s expense.
It is important to distinguish healthy social influence from psychological manipulation. Healthy social influence occurs between most people, and is part of the give and take of constructive relationships. In psychological manipulation, one person is used for the benefit of another. The manipulator deliberately creates an imbalance of power, and exploits the victim to serve his or her agenda.
Most manipulative individuals have four common characteristics:
They know how to detect your weaknesses.
Once found, they use your weaknesses against you.
Through their shrewd machinations, they convince you to give up something of yourself in order to serve their self-centered interests.
In work, social, and family situations, once a manipulator succeeds in taking advantage of you, he or she will likely repeat the violation until you put a stop to the exploitation.
Root causes for chronic manipulation are complex and deep-seated. But whatever drives an individual to be psychologically manipulative, it’s not easy when you’re on the receiving end of such aggression. How can one successfully manage these situations? Here are eight keys to handling manipulative people. Not all of the tips below may apply to your particular situation. Simply utilize what works and leave the rest.
For more in-depth tools on how to effectively handle difficult individuals, download free excerpts of my publications (click on titles) “How to Successfully Handle Passive-Aggressive People,” “How to Communicate Effectively and Handle Difficult People,” and “Communication Success with Four Personality Types.”
1. Know Your Fundamental Human Rights*
The single most important guideline when you’re dealing with a psychologically manipulative person is to know your rights, and recognize when they’re being violated. As long as you do not harm others, you have the right to stand up for yourself and defend your rights. On the other hand, if you bring harm to others, you may forfeit these rights. Following are some of our fundamental human rights:
You have the right to be treated with respect.
You have the right to express your feelings, opinions and wants.
You have the right to set your own priorities.
You have the right to say “no” without feeling guilty.
You have the right to get what you pay for.
You have the right to have opinions different than others.
You have the right to take care of and protect yourself from being threatened physically, mentally or emotionally.
You have the right to create your own happy and healthy life.
These fundamental human rights represent your boundaries.
Of course, our society is full of people who do not respect these rights. Psychological manipulators, in particular, want to deprive you of your rights so they can control and take advantage of you. But you have the power and moral authority to declare that it is you, not the manipulator, who’s in charge of your life.
2. Keep Your Distance
One way to detect a manipulator is to see if a person acts with different faces in front of different people and in different situations. While all of us have a degree of this type of social differentiation, some psychological manipulators tend to habitually dwell in extremes, being highly polite to one individual and completely rude to another—or totally helpless one moment and fiercely aggressive the next. When you observe this type of behavior from an individual on a regular basis, keep a healthy distance, and avoid engaging with the person unless you absolutely have to. As mentioned earlier, reasons for chronic psychological manipulation are complex and deep-seated. It is not your job to change or save them.
3. Avoid Personalization and Self-Blame
Since the manipulator’s agenda is to look for and exploit your weaknesses, it is understandable that you may feel inadequate, or even blame yourself for not satisfying the manipulator. In these situations, it’s important to remember that you are not the problem; you’re simply being manipulated to feel bad about yourself, so that you’re more likely to surrender your power and rights. Consider your relationship with the manipulator, and ask the following questions:
Am I being treated with genuine respect?
Are this person’s expectations and demands of me reasonable?
Is the giving in this relationship primarily one way or two ways?
Ultimately, do I feel good about myself in this relationship?
Your answers to these questions give you important clues about whether the “problem” in the relationship is with you or the other person.
4. Put the Focus on Them by Asking Probing Questions
Inevitably, psychological manipulators will make requests (or demands) of you. These “offers” often make you go out of your way to meet their needs. When you hear an unreasonable solicitation, it’s sometimes useful to put the focus back on the manipulator by asking a few probing questions, to see if she or he has enough self-awareness to recognize the inequity of their scheme. For example:
“Does this seem reasonable to you?”
“Does what you want from me sound fair?”
“Do I have a say in this?”
“Are you asking me or telling me?”
“So, what do I get out of this?”
“Are you really expecting me to [restate the inequitable request]?”
When you ask such questions, you’re putting up a mirror, so the manipulator can see the true nature of his or her ploy. If the manipulator has a degree of self-awareness, he or she will likely withdraw the demand and back down.
On the other hand, truly pathological manipulators will dismiss your questions and insist on getting their way. If this occurs, apply ideas from the following tips to keep your power, and halt the manipulation.
5. Use Time to Your Advantage
In addition to unreasonable requests, the manipulator will often also expect an answer from you right away, to maximize their pressure and control over you in the situation. (Sales people call this “closing the deal.”) During these moments, instead of responding to the manipulator’s request right away, consider leveraging time to your advantage, and distancing yourself from his or her immediate influence. You can exercise leadership over the situation simply by saying:
“I’ll think about it.”
Consider how powerful these few words are from a customer to a salesperson, or from a romantic prospect to an eager pursuer, or from you to a manipulator. Take the time you need to evaluate the pros and cons of a situation, and consider whether you want to negotiate a more equitable arrangement, or if you’re better off by saying “no,” which leads us to our next point:
6. Know How To Say “No”―Diplomatically But Firmly
To be able to say “no” diplomatically but firmly is to practice the art of communication. Effectively articulated, it allows you to stand your ground while maintaining a workable relationship. Remember that your fundamental human rights include the right to set your own priorities, the right to say “no” without feeling guilty, and the right to choose your own happy and healthy life. (In my reference guide “How to Successfully Handle Passive-Aggressive People,” I review seven different ways you can say “no,” to help lower resistance and keep the peace.)
7. Confront Bullies, Safely
A psychological manipulator also becomes a bully when he or she intimidates or harms another person.
The most important thing to keep in mind about bullies is that they pick on those whom they perceive as weaker, so as long as you remain passive and compliant, you make yourself a target. But many bullies are also cowards on the inside. When their targets begin to show backbone and stand up for their rights, the bully will often back down. This is true in schoolyards, as well as in domestic and office environments.
On an empathetic note, studies show that many bullies are victims of violence themselves. This in no way excuses bullying behavior, but may help you consider the bully in a more equanimous light:
“When people don’t like themselves very much, they have to make up for it. The classic bully was actually a victim first.”—Tom Hiddleston
“Some people try to be tall by cutting off the heads of others.”—Paramhansa Yogananda
“I realized that bullying never has to do with you. It’s the bully who’s insecure.” —Shay Mitchell
When confronting bullies, be sure to place yourself in a position where you can safely protect yourself, whether it’s standing tall on your own, having other people present to witness and support, or keeping a paper trail of the bully’s inappropriate behavior. In cases of physical, verbal, or emotional abuse, consult with counseling, legal, law enforcement, or administrative professionals. It’s important to stand up to bullies, and you don’t have to do it alone.
8. Set Consequences
When a psychological manipulator insists on violating your boundaries, and won’t take “no” for an answer, deploy consequence.
The ability to identify and assert consequence(s) is one of the most important skills you can use to “stand down” a difficult person. Effectively articulated, consequences give pause to the manipulative individual, and compels her or him to shift from violation to respect.
Quote:By Sherrie Bourg Carter, Psy.D. on August 7, 2011 – 12:59pm
Our society is more health conscious than ever before. We are paying increased attention to nutrition labels, fitness opportunities, organic alternatives, toxin-free environments, and more.
And yet even many health-conscious people don’t realize that the quality of their relationships can be just as toxic to their health as fast food or a toxic environment. In fact, unhealthy relationships can turn into exactly that—a toxic internal environment that can lead to stress, depression, anxiety, and even medical problems.
In a long-term study that followed more than 10,000 subjects for an average of 12.2 years, researchers discovered that subjects in negative relationships were at a greater risk for developing heart problems, including a fatal cardiac event, than counterparts whose close relationships were not negative.
Toxic relationships can take many forms—toxic partners, toxic friendships, toxic parent/child relationships, or toxic coworkers, to name just a few. No relationship, of course, is blissful and conflict-free all the time. How do you know if you’re in a toxic relationship? Your answers to these questions can help you figure it out:
When you’re with the person, do you usually feel content, even energized? Or do you often feel unfulfilled and drained?
After you spend time with him or her, do you usually feel better or worse about yourself?
Do you feel physically and or emotionally safe with this person, or do you ever feel threatened or in danger?
Is there a fairly equal “give and take,” or do you feel like you’re always giving and he or she is always taking?
Is the relationship characterized by feelings of security and contentment, or drama and angst?
Do you feel like he or she is happy with who you are, or do you feel like you have to change to make him or her happy?
Now compare your answers to the following characteristics of healthy and toxic relationships:
Healthy relationships are characterized by: compassion, security, safety, freedom of thinking, sharing, listening, mutual love and caring, healthy debates and disagreements, and respectfulness, especially when there are differences in opinions.
Toxic relationships are characterized by: insecurity, abuse of power and control, demandingness, selfishness, insecurity, self-centeredness, criticism, negativity, dishonesty, distrust, demeaning comments and attitudes, and jealousy.
In short, healthy relationships tend to leave you feeling happy and energized. Toxic relationships tend to leave you feeling depressed and depleted.
Changing Toxic Relationships
The first step to changing a toxic relationship is to recognize you’re in one. Many people in unhealthy relationships are in denial, even when friends or family members can see the danger signs and have told them so.
The next step, equally as important, is to believe that you deserve to be treated with respect, love, and compassion. There are many reasons people stay in unhealthy relationships, but one common one is underlying low self-esteem that makes some people believe that they don’t deserve anything better. This kind of change in thinking, however, may not come easily, and may require professional support from an objective third party, such as a counselor or a life coach.
Once you come to believe that you deserve to be treated differently, the next step—addressing toxic behavior when it occurs—becomes easier. When doing this, use “I” statements as much as possible, to reduce the likelihood of a defensive reaction. For example: “I feel like you find fault in almost everything I do and it makes me feel [fill in the blank]. I (love/respect/care about) you, and I’d appreciate it if you would stop [fill in the blank].”
(Note: You should only do this if it is safe. If you are in a physically abusive relationship, this kind of confrontation may not be safe. Before doing anything that risks your safety, you should contact a professional with experience dealing with domestic violence or contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline for more information.)
Finally, if nothing you do or say changes the toxic behavior, consider separating yourself or at least distancing yourself from the source of the toxicity. For partners, this may mean temporary or permanent separation. For parents and children, this may mean having less contact. For coworkers, this may mean distancing yourself as much as is feasible. But doing nothing will only expose you to the unhealthy physical and psychological effects of stress and ongoing conflict.
Positive relationships are an important part of the formula for a healthy, well-balanced life. So make sure your health-conscious lifestyle doesn’t leave out this crucial ingredient.
