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Wow! I need to listen to Boyd K Packers talk again – but all I can say is WOW! He really hit hard saying “We cannot change, We will not change…” I don’t want to misquote the talk or take it out of context. Perhaps I am concentrating on the negative here but that talk did seem very harsh and I was unsure as to how so many hurting and vulnerable LDS people out there are going to take it.
A common theme on the mission was the all or nothing philosophy, it was often applied to the principles of the BofM’s veracity. Then you hear quotes like these: “He was either a prophet of God, divinely called, properly appointed and commissioned, or he was one of the biggest frauds the world has ever seen, there is no middle ground.”
Hi everybody and Hi Brian! Thank you for your replys – I’m now at home I finished work today and went to my first day at Dayspring a 6 week program that focuses on the 12 step program of recovery from addiction.
Thank you Brian and for showing your interest, it’s important and nice to know there are other people out there who are capable of caring and supporting others.
To answer some questions Brian asked me:
Quote:It doesn’t sound like you have too many issues with church history or doctrine, mostly lifestyle conflict. Is that right? Do you still believe in the church? I was curious to know.
I do have some common concerns with church history/doctrine – they can be seen as legitimate concerns or perhaps somethings I just shouldn’t worry about – I am a very skeptical person and I just can’t brush some things aside. For example, we had the Jonah swallowed by a whale lesson in GD this past Sunday and there was one questions I wanted to ask. (seems lately there has always been one “thinker” question I’ve wanted to ask from time to time but I would never dare to do so) I wanted to say “Has it ever occurred to someone that a man is not capable of living after being ingested by a whale/large fish? And perhaps this Bible story is inaccurate and thus why are be trying to apply life lessons and principles on a fabrication?” Is the answer with “God all things are possible” enough?
I have normal concerns with church history, the priesthood restriction, polygamy are just two that trouble me. I also am questioning the church’s position and actions taken in the whole PROP 8 debacle. I also am confused/uncertain about my sexuality – I have struggled to reconcile/come to terms with just another aspect of myself a “same sex attraction” as the term is coined by so many. I don’t relate to being “gay”, but I am dealing with the fact that I have either developed these feelings or I have learned to sexualize feelings about the same gender. This is just one more issue to add to the stack of “stuff” I am dealing with. When I take a step back and look I’m saying to myself, “I fit the perfect MO for someone using mood altering substances”.
Quote:How is the rest of your life? Are you going to school or starting into a career? Outpatient therapy sounds extreme, but I nothing is too “extreme” if it helps you and makes you feel whole. Do you feel really out of control?
The rest of my life looks pretty bleak, I am very hard on myself – hardly self forgiving and feeling pretty negative… I don’t really feel out of control right now, my thoughts on the surface are “I made it through two semesters of college, held down a full time job, and was high through most of it” Considering where I was/am at mentally, emotionally, and spiritually using marijuana made sense to me. I live in a context that does not approve of my behavior (using marijuana), my church, my parents, and my most recent professional counselor all would discourage it’s use. So I question: Am I allowing this one thing to define so much about me? Does this one thing need to define who I am? I also question: Why is marijuana on this earth? It’s a flowering plant – if it is not for man’s consumption than why was it created? Why are there specific cannabinoid receptors in our body that will only specifically react with THC and other cannabinoids? I asked my stake president: Why is marijuana on this earth? And he replied, “it’s not for man’s consumption” … skeptical me has a hard time reconciling that.
My lifestyle conflicts are what has really been troubling me on a surface level, but perhaps if I were to dig below that surface my problems with “same sex attraction”/homosexual feelings are what have really dictate some of my behaviors and caused me to feel how I feel. This situation is largely why I feel so alienated from my peers at church and the surrounding social context. I question if I will be able to have a “normal” relationship with a woman? Will I be able to have a family? Will I be able to have sex EVER? I have sexual feelings for girls and natural aspirations for doing those things and having a family. But all things considered I don’t know how I will get there. The answer to take things one step at a time seems like the right thing right now. The church’s seemingly approach to people identifying as being “gay” causes me to question if the church is really the answer to all things authoritarian. While I do not identify as being “gay”, I empathize with those who do and I perceive the predominating attitude in the church and especially among Bishops is: “People who identify as being gay are in actuality falling prey to the adversary and believing a fabrication that he would have us believe.”
My conflict with my lifestyle and choices right now is: I do believe in the church and thus I am very much conflicted! I want to overcome my pornography problem because the consequences of it are so negative. On the other hand I don’t buy into the philosophy that if something is “illegal” it must be “bad”. I am trying to reconcile my feelings about “authority” in general. The authority of my parents and the authority of the church. I’m more worried about living up to expectations than actually doing what I feel is right for me and something I’m comfortable with.
As you can see, the rabbit hole just gets deeper and deeper, this all is so much to bear and I don’t know what to do. I’m thinking my best source for help is God – so I think that I’m going to try and seek his help. Seeking his help entails changing and most likely giving up things I’ve held dear and near recently… like pot :C
