[JAC]

I have been trying to change things in my neck of the woods. I recently gave a talk in stake conference and admitted to everyone I was a compulsive user of porn for most of my life. I outlined what I did to change and invited everyone to follow my lead.

I made sure to make these points in my talk:

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[JAC]

I have a TR interview with the stake tomorrow. I’ll pay close attention to any deviations from the script.

In my experience they usually ask a bunch of chit chat questions before the interview, and then dive into the official questions. I’ve frequently had leaders deviate from the script when they get to the law of chastity. They’ll ask the official question, and then ask some follow ups about porn.

I don’t view porn, but I know a lot of members do (estimates have it at 70% of men, and 30% of women – Yes, even in our church). If everyone that consumes porn stopped attending the temple I presume that many of our temples would shut down.

[JAC]

I was a premium subscriber to Bill’s podcast and interacted with him on a few occasions. I love the guy and have enjoyed hearing his perspective and have always appreciated his intellectual musings that were also filled with faith and hope. I admittedly stopped listening to him and following him on social media over a year ago when he became increasingly negative. He gradually became too overbearing for my tastes.

I pulled him up on Facebook this week when I heard the news of his meeting with his SP and B. I was intrigued by his allegations that the SCMC had pressured his leaders into pursuing formal discipline. I have often wondered if I’m on the SCMC’s radar and if a dossier exists with my name on it. I’m insignificant, so if I am on their radar that would be greatly disturbing.

I had a friend who was told by a councilor in his stake presidency that his (my friend’s) name had been submitted to the first presidency to become the next bishop, but was rejected. My friend was devastated to hear that. The only reason my friend could think of was he had been formally disciplined shortly after his mission for a transgression with his girlfriend. When I heard this, it infuriated me – If it was true, then our church doesn’t really believe in repentance and being washed clean by the atonement. We were teaching that God remembers our sins no more, but all the while our church is keeping a file on us, using our past mistakes to judge us.

I wondered what file they had one me. Did they have notes from my mission president that I didn’t work hard enough? Can they look at my file and see that I never trained or was a district leader? Can they see that I was on informal probation when I was a teenager? Can they see that I sometimes post on StayLDS and have an account on New Order Mormon? Can they see my temple attendance (easily tracked by the bar-codes on our recommends)? Do they look at my home teaching percentages (even though we don’t track those anymore)? Do they see how much tithing I pay? How much I give for fast offerings? Can they see every calling I’ve ever had?

I still wonder. I would like to learn more about SCMC. Is it used to track and groom up and coming leaders and ensure that bad seeds never assume leadership? Or is it truly only to root out those publicly vocal critics like Bill Reel?

[JAC]

LookingHard wrote:

I too have had that peace after the dark night of the soul. It is a great relief.

I am familiar with Fowlers stages of faith and your comment made me ask the question: Have I moved into the fifth stage? I guess time will tell.

[JAC]

The WOW has created cognitive dissonance in my wife because she has a condition where eating grains causes ulcers in her colon. If she followed the diet outlined in the WOW she would be in bad shape.

She eats a lot a meat and vegetables, but absolutely no grains.

She is an uber TBM, and has expressed confusion as to why God would give such awful dietary advice.

[JAC]

I have observed that many members of the church project an image of righteousness that is less than accurate. I know from personal experience that the facade is difficult to maintain and led me to hate the parts of me that I hid from everyone else. I gradually grew to hate myself. Living a double life is exhausting and plain sucks.

Early in my life I found that I didn’t measure up to the standards taught in church so I hid all my flaws. The older I got, the more entrenched I was in my cover-up. I thought if anyone found out who I really was they would hate me and reject me. I thought I’d lose everything I loved. This conflict inside me led me to entertain suicidal thoughts and I frequently fantasized about sticking a gun to my head. I thought about it so much at one point that I asked my wife to hide my guns.

I eventually found peace only when I started to live one authentic life. My double life had to die in order for me to love myself. I have observed that when members go through a faith transition and leave the church they feel relieved and report feeling happier than they ever have. I believe this is because they are finally living a complete authentic life whereas in the church they were not. I also believe it is possible for people to be authentic and stay in the church and I wish more did. Our church would be better for it.

[JAC]

Beefster wrote:

There’s great advice tucked away in chastity standards, but I think it may be a mistake to categorize these issues as next to murder in severity. Scott Cannon’s story resonates strongly with me because of how these teachings have affected my self worth. Had I started younger or gotten into more serious porn, I guarantee you my story would look a lot like his.

Thanks for sharing about Scott Cannon. I had never heard of him before but I just listened to his story on a podcast and I was blown away at how his story sounded exactly like mine. His history with porn mirrors my own. He is my age, lives in my town, and started his faith crisis/transition the exact same month as me in February of 2014. Although, that is where our stories diverge drastically, as I chose a different path than he did.

I chose to give up porn completely and work on my relationship with God. I also chose to stay LDS. I’m very happy with the path I chose and have found peace, happiness, and have become much closer to my wife and others I care about. I’m happier than I’ve ever been. I know I could not have found the happiness I have with porn still apart of my life.

I have no doubt porn was destroying my happiness. Shame played a role, but the biggest factor was the damage porn was doing to my brain. It was literally inhibiting my brain from feeling joy. Even with shame removed from the equation it would have sucked the life out of me.

As I listened to his story it was eerie, almost like I was listening to a podcast of me in an alternate universe where I took a different path in 2014. I fear his story is not going to end well.

[JAC]

Beefster wrote:

And don’t give me any of the garbage like “you have to believe first” or “it’s too sacred to talk about” (when referring to whether they have seen Christ) because the former is weak to confirmation bias and the latter is a total copout.

This always strikes a cord with me. Many members believe that the apostles have seen Christ and most members presume the president has seen Christ, however, none of the apostles(to my knowledge) have claimed this. This pisses me off… Just a little. Okay, a lot. For the following reasons:

1. If they have not seen Christ, why are they letting members believe they have seen Christ by failing to correct these false assumptions? Come on, set the record straight!

2. If they have seen Christ, why the HELL are they not telling us?! They are supposed to be special witnesses of Christ! So why keep those special experiences with Christ to yourself? I’m not expecting details, but how about boldly saying, “I know Christ lives – I have seen Him!”

That is all.

[JAC]

I’m in favor of the idea that the story represent the choice all of us had to make in the pre-mortal realm.

Here’s my take:

God informed us that he wanted (commanded) us to become intelligent animals in a mortal world (where we’d multiply and replenish), but that it was our choice to go. That choice would give us knowledge of good and evil but would certainly cause us to make mistakes and sin against God’s eternal laws, which is why it appeared to be a catch 22.

To truly understand good and evil we had to experience it, but to experience it would cause us to be exposed to forbidden things. Thus, it was forbidden.

Adam represents a way of thinking that would have halted our progress indefinitely. By not partaking of the fruit, we were assured that we would never fall. Oddly, this almost sounds like what us Mormons call Satan’s plan.

Eve represents a way of thinking that saw the big picture. She recognized that we could only progress by falling and making mistakes even though those mistakes would violate God’s laws (The forbidden aspect of this choice).

Lucifer, in this story, is just there as the representative of evil. We ultimately had to be tempted by good AND evil in order to actually have a choice. His presence in the story shows that the necessary components of free will (enticed by good and evil) were there when we made the choice.

[JAC]

We teach that there’s two halves of the priesthood: Authority and Power.

The authority part is the automatic part. It is given to anyone that is ordained by the laying on of hands. Or we also teach that doing some things in the name of Jesus Christ is sufficient authority (think temple video). However, this is not what heals people.

The power part is not automatic. In fact, the power isn’t even ours. It’s God’s power and is the source of what we call miracles. He doesn’t let mere mortals wield it to do their will. Thank goodness! It can only be used to do His will. Oft times a blessing is given and the mouthpiece has not prepared himself to know the Lord’s will. He then states whatever pops into his head, or whatever he thinks the person wants to hear, and gets it wrong. Certain outcomes are declared that end up not occurring. This happens a lot.

So why do we have blessings if the Lord is going to do His will anyway? Well that’s a question that also calls into question the purpose of all prayers. I have had a hard time understanding this myself, but I am slowly understanding it more and more as I get older.

Side note: Did you ever wonder why the word “priesthood” is not used at the beginning of the sacrament prayer or the baptism prayer? All other ordinances require declaration of priesthood authority by name (Aaronic or Melchizedek). It has something to do with the fact that the word “priesthood” was not used very much in Joseph Smith’s time like it is today. I read a book on it once, but forgot the name.

My opinion: What we consider a “Priesthood” blessing, in reality is just a blessing. A priesthood ordination was not always a requirement for a blessing of the sick, and shouldn’t be today. It is a shame that my wife can’t, or rather won’t, help me bless my kids when they are sick. I hope this changes in the church in the near future.

[JAC]

I have observed many Mormon superstitions revolving around Satan. Sorry in advance if you believe any of these:

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Many uneasy or uncomfortable feelings are attributed to feeling his presence. For example, when people feel fear (like after watching a horror flick or someone tells a scary story) they assume it’s because Satan and/or his followers are present.

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Cravings caused by brain chemistry are credited to him. It is common for members to assume he, or his minions, are whispering in their ear tempting them.

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It is believed that he has power over the waters (as previously mentioned), although it’s never been clear on what that means.

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Buyers remorse, or cold feet, experienced by investigators has often been explained by crediting Satan’s influence.

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Being attacked by Satan – I had a SP tell a story about being attacked although he was ambiguous about what it entailed.

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[JAC]

I’m curious what everyone’s thoughts are on these questions:

What do people think about when they masturbate? Are there scriptures that set boundaries for our thoughts? What are the natural consequences of these fantasies?

What is the purpose of sexual desire? Does masturbation fulfill that purpose?

[JAC]

The psychologytoday article is too quick to jump to conclusions. More data is needed to make the bold claims the author is trying to make. Just a quick scan of the internet and you’ll find articles with information that contradicts, or at least sheds doubt, on his conclusions. Like these for starters:

http://genprogress.org/voices/2016/05/26/43612/new-data-indicates-rise-sexual-assault-allegations-despite-decreasing-campus-crime-numbers/

https://www.thedailybeast.com/theres-been-a-huge-increase-in-campus-sex-assaults-why

https://www.nbcnews.com/news/us-news/sexual-assault-reports-u-s-military-reach-record-high-pentagon-n753566

I have found that this topic is polarizing and controversial and you’re going to find very intelligent qualified people making conclusions that contradict each other. It gets very confusing.

One thing it took me awhile to understand is that porn is a symptom of a deeper problem. Almost every man, and many women, have a strong sex drive. That’s not a problem in and of itself, but couple it with selfishness and a culture that promotes people, actual human beings, as objects that can satisfy our craving, and that is a problem. A big one!

As a society we are sending mixed messages. We are saying that filming and watching fantasies of women being sexually degraded is okay, while simultaneously condemning people that do it for real. We have got to get consistent with our message like we already have with child pornography, which we’ve decided is so damaging to society that even virtual creations of child porn are against the law.

[JAC]

While I agree that shame only makes the problem worse, I have good reasons to believe that the harms of pornography go much deeper than the shame caused by religion.

Reason 1:

I’ve been involved in helping nearly 2 dozen men in my stake overcome their dependence on pornography. I’ve had intimate discussions with each of them and I have found that 100% of the men over 40 that used pornography reported that their fantasies turned into reality. In other words they committed adultery. All these men eventually had a secret relationship with someone other than their wife. Some had more than one. Some were with women, some with men. Some were more physical than others. One was only an emotional long distance relationship.

My sample size is small, and this is only anecdotal evidence, but I have good reason to believe that fantasy (porn) often leads to reality (affairs). So far I believe that it is inevitable and only a matter of time for most porn users.

Reason 2:

I’ve been to Sexaholics Anonymous meetings and heard from people that have no religion to speak of. Despite using porn for years with no religion to shame them, they have admitted that they are having huge problems in their lives because of porn and/or sex. Many of these guys aren’t even married. Their stories are horrifying.

Reason 3:

I’ve used porn. A lot. At one point in my life I decided I was not going to let the shame of it weigh me down. I decided I was just going to use it responsibly and keep it secret and lie about it the rest of my life. I was comfortable with that decision and thought it was going to work out. It didn’t! Porn sucked the joy out of my life and soured my relationship with my wife. She didn’t even know I was using it, but porn definitely crippled our relationship. I quit at age 33, and it was the best decision I ever made.

[JAC]

I’m almost four years into my faith transition. My testimony is very nuanced but I’m ironically more faithful in keeping many of commandments than I was before my transition.

I used to keep the commandments out of duty or to be seen of men. Consequently I lived a double life that was very exhausting to maintain. In secret I consumed porn frequently and bent many of the other rules whenever I thought I could get away with it.

Now I do things because I believe they are right and I’ve spent the time to understand the wisdom in them. I have not consumed porn in 4 years or even entertained a lustful thought – Believe it or not. My charitable contributions and the quality of service I give have increased. I read the scriptures and pray regularly, and have spent more time thinking about God and trying to come to know him.

I think the one thing I can say I slip on now is home teaching. I currently have two families assigned that I don’t feel like are genuine friends despite my best efforts. I have since stopped trying to go because I feel the whole arrangement requires me to be disingenuous. Before I would have just gone and been happy to check off the box so I had 100%.

My temple attendance is currently very infrequent, but it was not frequent before. It used to be because I felt I wasn’t worthy and now I just simply don’t like it.

I have often wondered why I had such a hard time keeping the commandments when I was an orthodox TBM that “knew” it was true. I really feel like I’m a much better person now. Has anyone else had this experience?

[Author]

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