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Again I want to thank all who have taken the time to respond to my story…. poppyseed….I don’t think there is essentially any difference between a crack-head, alcoholic or porn addict except that most people would say that porn is far more benign that substance abuse although in the church we would disagree. I once went into a hospital, a pysch hospital, trying to bring my drinking under control (actually my wife had me admitted but I also wanted to go). I was there for a week or so, and on my way home, at the end of my stay, I stopped and had a drink (several, actually)––this after having been certain that I was never going to drink again, assuring my counselor that this was the case, etc. And this is the hardest thing for spouses, the family of an addict to come to terms with––the behavior is beyond control, willpower is not enough, administering an Anti-abuse pill every morning and night (in my case) won’t do it, the threat of jail, your spouse threatening to divorce you, and perhaps least of all (for me, at least) a church court. It really takes an act of God––God must come into your life in a way He wasn’t before.
I’ve actually witnessed this happening at 12-step meetings and other recovery meetings, but it has always involved an individual who didn’t have God before and was now discovering Him for the first time. As for me, I’d been on a mission, I was an EQ president in college, a young adult stake leader, and so on, and once I lost my faith it was very hard for me to find it again, especially as I am alienated from church culture. The only thing that seems to help aside from finding God is addicts coming together to talk and share stories and offer support, but outside the church this can be risky (if you want to know why you can ask and I will tell you), so a church 12-step meeting is preferable. But the two church 12-step meetings I attended…they really didn’t go over well. At the first one there was a 12-step missionary couple in attendance, neither of whom had ever had any experience with addiction before (this was odd because in the 12-step paradigm visitors are not allowed, only addicts) and besides this couple there were two others present besides myself, one being a porn addict, the other a crack addict. We were in the Relief Society room, and the impression I had was that we were all a little afraid of speaking honestly. A typical 12-step meeting is very profane, there is always a lot of vulgarity, and for someone like me this was always off-putting, I winced every time I heard certain words. But the two church meetings I went to had just the opposite problem: how can you really speak honestly, really let it out, get angry, scream, curse God, when you’re in the RS room of the stake center and there is an older couple there who remind you of your grandma and grandpa. (I”ve been told they don’t have these missionary couples attend the meetings any longer but I can’t say for sure because I haven’t been.)
Kind of a rambling post here, but maybe what I’m tying to say is this: I think the only person who can really help an addict is another addict––not the bishop or stake president, not the most active/spiritual man in the ward, not the home teachers, but another addict. This was really what Bill W. hit on after years and years of trying to quit drinking, the stroke of genius he had that led to the 12-steps, it’s really what AA, SLAA, etc., is all about: addicts coming together to help other addicts.
I can certainly relate, especially to your feeling of having devoted so much time, resources to the church. I, too, went on a mission, then I was Elder’s Quorum Pres. at my university ward, stake young adult leader, and more, paid a full tithe, worked tirelessly, and so on. I read your post to my introductory bio without knowing you, but know I feel that I know you, at least a little bit, and I look forward to hearing more from you.
Thanks to all who have taken the time to respond to my story. I read each of your posts carefully and have learned from them. Some things are/were hard for me to hear, for example, the suggestion that nothing outside of myself needs to change, only what’s inside (ouch!). Like a lot of addicts I tend to “self-isolate” and so a place like this is good for me.
A comment or two….
Someone here said––Bruce, I think, a fellow alcoholic (former)–that the church is beginning to understand that addiction is not a failure of the will or a moral failing but a disease, and I have to say I agree. When I went through my court experience nobody understood this, least of all me. I managed to stay sober long enough to be reinstated but then it was back to the bottle again. And really this is the problem I have with church courts, or at least my church court. What was accomplished? It not only did me no good, I was actually worse coming out of it. I say this knowing full-well that everyone in that room had my best interest at heart, they were trying to do the right thing, they prayed and asked for guidance. But nothing changed––disfellowshipping me did nothing to address the issue(s) that caused the problem in the first place and in fact it made it harder for me to do so myself. The confidentiality requirement was not kept (I don’t know who leaked, whether it was one or more), in fact a neighbor woman asked me a week later how the court went and what was it like, etc., and I also found that my oldest daughter was no longer allowed to play with her best friend whose father was a member of the high council, and that’s just the beginning. I was isolated before the court, a Democrat and an intellectual (whether it was true or not, and it wasn’t, but I guess it depends on how you define the word), isolated from my neighbors and fellow church members, and now after the court I was doubly so––or so I felt. I really questioned for the first time in my life whether there was a place for me in the church, whether I was even wanted. I continued to attend services until I was reinstated, but then I stopped and really haven’t been back since.
But of course this is my experience only and so it is only anecdotal at best, I don’t think for a minute that it has universal application. I don’t know what the answer it, in fact the older I get the less I know, or think I know. But in some circles this passes for wisdom.
