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Ann, I just want to say that I relate to all of your posts. I hope you will keep posting because even though I don’t post much, I read every day and your posts make me feel like I’m not alone. I hope you are able to feel better and do what you need to do to gain some peace. I have read a book on spiritual abuse and the church has a lot of the symptoms of an unhealthy environment for it’s members. Maybe that is why it hurts so much for some. I think I am at the point where I am tired of “pushing where it hurts”. I think I may be done pushing for a little while.
Lookinghard, I completely agree with your post. I feel like I need to heal too. I thought all would be well when I asked to be released from my leadership position and was put into Primary. It has definitely helped. I have much less anxiety. However, I notice the more I pull back from the church the better I feel. I, like you, also feel that I may need to pull back even more in order to heal. I need to get clear. I am trying to get my courage up to ask to be released from Primary tomorrow. After that, I am planning on only going to Sacrament meeting to support my husband. I am still planning on trying to VT but if that needs to go also, I’m willing to do it.
I have felt so bitter lately. Pres. Uchtdorf’s talk was just what I needed to at least help me feel like there is one leader who understands what is driving so many people away. The fear card is used all of the time in this church and the “random rules” mention made me think he may not be all on board with some of the tactics leaders are using to keep people in. He was so right about all of the anxiety this causes. He understands. Right now it is just good to know that someone does. I’m so grateful that he is willing to be different and speak what he feels to be right. Quote:I want nothing to do with the program quite frankly — looking at your priority list makes me tired and weary. At one time I would have hunkered down but I simply have nothing more to to give.
I feel exactly this way right now. Obviously not HT but VT, primary calling, cleaning the church, making meals for members, making meals for missionaries. The sad part is, I am doing the bare minimum by only doing these things and probably looked at as a slacker.
If you feel like you want to take one family because you think it would be good for your son then do that. If your bishop refuses to take the rest of the families away from you than i would just pick the one you want to do and forget the rest.
I know that can be hard because I am like you, I just can’t leave a job undone that is my responsibility. However, once you tell the bishop you were unable to do it, then the responsibility is no longer yours. In all honesty, jobs need to be left undone in order for change to be made. If members keep agreeing to run themselves ragged for the church, then it will never change. When programs aren’t being done and no amount of lecturing or guilting still isn’t getting them done, then that is when change will happen. (Hopefully)
I hope you stick to your guns in order to protect yourself and your son.
I think it is awesome that your 11 year old daughter is so self-aware and confident! Good for her! She is going to be a difference maker. 🙂 This post made me find my first talk that I ever gave at a YW program. It was for YWIE. The theme was Be Your Own Kind of Beautiful. I read the book by Max Lucando called You are Special. The title is unoriginal but the book is so good. It talks about how you need to get your approval from God, no one else. He is the only one that can help you be who you are supposed to be. I realized that while I was YWP, I never once talked about how you needed to be a mother, wife, career person or whatever. I just wanted the girls to be who THEY wanted to be, who GOD (not the church) told them to be. (I also never once mentioned modesty
Sometimes I am worried that girls just can’t be who they want. They’ve got the church saying be mothers, wives, etc. Then you have more of the feminist view telling them they need to have a career, fight to hold the priesthood. The latter, to me, sometimes comes off as, “men” roles are more important then “female” rolls, so this is what you should be going after. In my opinion, that kind of thinking could be just as damaging. I believe no callings in this life are more important than others, no matter what anyone says.
In all honesty, I just want women and girls (and men for that matter ) to be whatever they want to be without anyone telling them one role is better than another. God gave us passions so that we would have the drive to achieve them, whatever they may be. Personally, holding a Priesthood calling would be my own special type of hell. I have absolutely no desire for it. However, I certainly believe that there are women out there who would do an amazing job with the Priesthood and being a Bishop, SP, GA or whatever. I hope someday in the future they are able to achieve those goals.
ETA: I hope the paragraph about being YWP doesn’t come off as being too braggy. I just wanted to clarify that there are some Young Women leaders who truly want to encourage the girls to be happy just being themselves instead of trying to fit into a mold that the church or society creates for them.
ydeve wrote:kate5 wrote:
I just wish I could belong to a religion that didn’t make going to a family member’s joyful wedding such a stress and burden. Why should I even have to ask the question “Am a worthy to go to this wedding?” It just doesn’t seem right to me. (Sorry for the rant)
Why is the church so resistant to having American marriage ceremonies outside the temple and then have the sealing inside? It would avoid so many hard feelings, and it’s the way it’s done in most countries.I have no idea ydeve. And if you are the one getting married and you really want your nonmember or “unworthy” family members to see you get married, you are “punished” by having to wait a year before you can be sealed. It just seems cruel.
I don’t have a lot to add except just to say that I am going through exactly what you are going through right now. I don’t have a close family member getting ready to go through the temple but it is a possibility in the future. My husband does want me to go though, and so far things have been so busy that it hasn’t worked out. So I am grateful for the small reprieve. I would probably go to the wedding if I were you because I feel like supporting family is a priority over everything else. It is the reason I still keep my temple recommend. I definitely wouldn’t be worried about not being worthy to go. You are praying and doing your best according to what Heavenly Father has communicated to you and that is all you can do. If you feel like you can mentally handle it, go and enjoy your family member’s day.
I just wish I could belong to a religion that didn’t make going to a family member’s joyful wedding such a stress and burden. Why should I even have to ask the question “Am a worthy to go to this wedding?” It just doesn’t seem right to me. (Sorry for the rant)
I’m glad you posted. This board is great place to be so that we don’t all feel alone in our thoughts and frustrations.
Nibbler, thank you for your kind words. I guess I just might need to chill out a little bit. I get in these “poor me” modes when I probably just need to not take everything so seriously. That would probably help make the temple more enjoyable, although I’m probably not as creative at you. 🙂 I bet it would also help with church culture, rules and many other things that I get so wound up about. I don’t want to open up a can of worms with my husband unless it’s absolutely necessary but I will talk to him if it I just can’t make it work and stay sane.Mom3, thanks for telling me about your parents experience. Around here it seems they put a lot of emphasis on husbands and wives going together often so that is part of where the pressure for me to go is coming from. I am going to try the ideas I have gotten from this great forum and if I just can’t do it maybe I can compromise on going once or twice a year. Or maybe once or twice every five years. At this point, I just hope I can keep going to church.
Quote:NIght SG Well, modifying your temple clothing to add a pocket for a hip flask of Glenlivet 21 year probably wouldn’t go over well, so you’d have to come up with something more subtle.
Just when I though the advice here couldn’t get any better
😆 You guys are giving me all sorts of good solutions to think about.
mom3, It’s funny because I have never really thought to just meditate and tune it all out before. All I hear is that you should concentrate on everything that is being said and don’t daydream, etc. But the advice given here today seems to say the opposite. I am going to give it a try. I think trying to concentrate on God will maybe bring me the peace I am looking for while I am there. I also am petrified of being a witness couple. It makes a stressful situation worse. I think I am going to tell my husband before I go in that I’m not doing it if they ask. I’m drawing the line on that. Or maybe, I’ll follow your lead and just hide in the dressing room. 🙂 Thanks for the validation On Own Now. I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately. Why do some people thrive in the orthodox LDS environment? They become amazing people doing great things, while I am reduced to a shriveling mess. I’m beginning to think that people like me just get weeded out. Pretty soon all that is left are those that excel in that literal type of environment. They are the ones who make the church look good and are welcome. People like me are just a burden, so they only thing they know how to do is to try to change me into one of them. They honestly think that because their way of life works for them, it should just make me bursting with joy and happiness also. If not, well then it’s going to be a struggle my whole life trying to stay in. Because, I’m not really seeing any sign of major change. All, I hear is “just listen to us, we know what is best for you.”
Hawkgrrrl, haha! You are right, I haven’t. That statement probably seemed shallow. The truth is, I don’t want him to feel less-than around other people. But I also know that, by far, the main reason he wants me to go to the temple with him is because he feels that it is what God wants of us and what we are supposed to do to live together in eternity. That’s a pretty major disappointment for him to have to deal with if I stop going. As far as my reason for doing this, yes I am doing it to make him happy but I guess in someway I feel like I am doing it for God. I can be a pretty selfish person and I know that doing something kind for my husband would maybe be pleasing to God. So I guess in that way, I do feel like I am doing it for Him also. Does He care if I go to the temple? I haven’t figured that out yet but I do think he would be happy that I am sacrificing something in order to make my marriage better. I am going to play it by ear, though, I can’t go to that dark place that I was before. Maybe taking the suggestions of all of you and mixing it up a little by doing different ordinances every time and not focusing on what actually is going on will make it a little easier.
Ray, I really appreciate the advice to not take it so literally. I take everything literally which is probably a main reason why this church gives me so much anxiety. I like the idea of trying to just remember that I can’t fail. I spend the whole time stressing over everything I am covenanting to and remembering words, actions, etc. I really stress over being the spectacle that everyone looks at because I can’t seem to get it right at 40 something years old 
Heber13, thanks for the encouragement to try to focus on God and be still. As I said to Ray, I stress about making a spectacle of myself (which I have done before) and it sometimes it seems more chaotic than peaceful but you are right, I need to focus on the peaceful times more.
On Own Now, everything you said is exactly right but I really don’t have another choice without causing contention. My husband does know about my feelings towards church. He saw first hand the very dark place that I was in because of one of my previous callings. We don’t talk about it much though, because it causes a lot of hurt to him. And while going to the temple gives me anxiety, having a stressed out marriage gives me much, much more anxiety. I would rather just play along right now. I am so glad I have this forum so that hopefully by getting advice from all of you, I can avoid that pent-up frustration that I sometimes feel.
Hawkgirl, I totally agree that in a perfect world, we could each have different beliefs and interests but as you know, in the LDS world it doesn’t quite work that way. Me not attending the temple with him means that we are not doing what we need to to make it to the CK. We live in a predominately Mormon community where he gets to see all his co-workers attending with their wives. I feel bad and don’t want him to have to be the guy with the apostate wife.
Thank you so much everyone for helping me out with this. I really don’t want to go to the temple resentful and bitter. I know it will be really miserable if I do that. You have helped me find some ways to maybe make it a bit easier. Hopefully, by using your advice I can a least put on a happy face that day and make the best of it.
Thanks ydeve for a different perspective on what I am actually covenanting to do. It is interesting that you bring that up because last time I was there and it got to that part in the endowment, I felt like I was lying when I agreed. I don’t know if I am being dishonest when I am agreeing to something that I am not sure if I believe in. But it does help to think about it in broad terms and that as long as I am agreeing to be a follower of Christ and trying my hardest to build up his gospel than I am okay. I just wish they just say that, though. Why does everything have to be about being loyal to the LDS Church? Ugh. Thanks, Always Thinking. That is a really good idea. We have family names that need to have initiatories, baptisms and sealings done. I still don’t feel any type of spirituality doing them but at least they don’t cause the overwhelming fear. Maybe, I could suggest we do some of those next time we visit. Since we are doing family names, though, there are also many that need the endowments done. I might be a able to put it off for a couple of visits but not for long. The fact that I am working on my own family names and I still don’t want to do it makes me feel like even more of a crappy person. Who doesn’t want to help their family get saving ordinances done? I remember doing the initiatories for my grandmas and the temple worker said she couldn’t believe I wasn’t crying because she would be. Yep, I felt nothing.
Vincent, add me to list of people who relate so much to your post. I was in your position not so long ago. I asked to get released from my stressful leadership calling and am now doing a calling that doesn’t put me in tears every Sunday and most of the week before. It still is very hard for me to go to church. I don’t need or want the social interaction (which I think is a reason that many people with doubts keep going but maybe I’m just generalizing), But it doesn’t keep me up at night and have me in a constant state of anxiety like it used to. It was really awful but it is much better now! I’m really happy that you had the courage to stand up for your mental health and asked to be released. I really believe Heavenly Father knows what’s best for us and we need to listen to Him and no one else. Don’t let another person tell you what you need to do to please God.
I remember when I heard the talk “On Being Genuine” by President Uchtdorf. I loved it and was really hoping some change would come out of it. He talks about making sure your heart is in the right place and gave a story about how a stake backed away from setting a bunch of goals because what really mattered was taking care of the poor and needy and the individual members different needs.
But it’s like the talk never happened. Same old goals, same old expectations and more emphasis on those things than actually caring about people. I noticed it all the time in ward council. Everyone was so stressed out about meeting all the goals and expectations set for them that we really didn’t have time to actually just take care of people in a loving fashion. It was almost business like.
Because of the mandates I was told to fulfill in my calling, I was stressed out all the time. We had meetings outlining everything we HAD to do for the year. Things that took up a crazy amount of time. I felt guilty that I didn’t really have the time or energy to do what I really wanted to do, which was love the girls that I was serving using my vision.
When everything is dictated for us, we don’t get to contribute in our own authentic way. I feel that we don’t learn and grow because instead of trying to figure things out for ourselves, we’re just running around stressed and letting someone else control how we fulfill our our time on earth.
Ann, I love what you said. I really get upset when I am made to feel that I don’t believe in God or have faith because I don’t believe in polygamy or all the rules that are required to get to the Celestial Kingdom or the November policy, etc.
I do believe in God. I also feel like I have more faith in Him now than ever before. It is because of my faith that I am on this crazy journey that I am on. I honestly feel like I have been directed this way. I know He helps me in so many ways in my life. I realize that I am not nearly the person I should be but I’m trying. In the church’s eyes though, unless I am following all the checkmarks, I’m doing it all wrong. If I try to follow my own path to God that doesn’t include everything they tell me it should, then I have messed up somewhere along the way.
It is so frustrating.
