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I can really relate to what your are going through. My circumstances are different but the question is still the same. In fact, I was just about to post asking almost the exact same question. It is so hard! One day I feel like Korihor and that because of my unbelief I will be living a life of misery and sentenced to Outer Darkness and the next day, I feel like I am on the right path for me. This church is very difficult to be a member of if you’re not “all in”. Like you have described, you end up being on the outside if you don’t have a temple recommend. I can’t imagine it would be very uplifting to have to spend every Sunday with girls that don’t look at you as marriage material. I have had kids that have went through the same thing. No matter what you have accomplished in your life, or what type of person you are, if you are not an active Mormon and/or don’t fit the mold, you often feel less than and are treated as such. It has been very hard on them as I’m sure it has been for you.
I agree about the fence -sitting part. I really would love to make this middle way work but I just don’t know how. I feel like I always see grey now instead of black and white. I’m not sure how to change this or if I even should. I will be anxiously waiting to see what advice you get from others. Hang in there!
It sounds like you have a great bishop! That’s great that you are able to have someone who is willing to listen to you and your concerns. This question is really hard for me to answer because I feel like I have a pretty good bishop, too. My problems with church come from higher up than the local ward. The ward is just doing what they are being told.
I feel sorry for bishops because they do another job without pay and I really don’t want to add to their stress. But since he sounds willing to listen to you, I wouldn’t hesitate to mention what might help you feel more welcome.
CNSL1, I love that story! I love that you didn’t fall in line with the normal “rules” and I love that it worked. I honestly think all ward service: callings, VT and HT, and of course missionary work would bring better results without all of the goals and strict guidelines trying force members and missionaries to do everything a certain way. It’s almost, like if they let go of their grip it will all fall apart and it will be a disaster.
Funny, when people are just allowed to be themselves and allowed to just be kind, everything feels more authentic. People truly feel loved instead of just a checkmark on somebody’s to do list.
I really wish your stake would have made the connection and started to change their ways. Maybe other stakes would have taken notice and widespread change could have happened. Instead we get to do more and more programs badgering members to be friends with neighbors just so we can get them to church. Sigh….
This is a very encouraging article. Thank you for posting it. For some reason I just cringe when I hear “the only true and living church” . I have had some very profound spiritual experiences within the LDS church and I have had just as meaningful spiritual experiences in other church settings. I have had spiritual experiences when I’m being a jerk. I have had spiritual experiences in nature. I really have felt God everywhere when I want to be close to Him (and sometimes when I don’t). I believe God is everywhere. In my personal opinion, I believe that if we are trying to find Him, He will be there. If it’s the LDS church, great! If it is Catholic, Protestant, Lutheran, Non-Denominational, etc., He will be there also. Anyone who is trying to find Him, will.
Once I started opening up to the idea that he has created a way for everyone to come unto Him in whatever way works best for them, I have felt so much more peace. I have started not resenting going to church as much because I’m trying to see going as a way to worship God instead of just one big stressful situation that I have to overcome. I am slowly coming around to the idea that I don’t have to be a perfect member in order to please God. I have learned so much lately from other religions. It’s really too bad that I have felt all my life that if I associate with other faiths than I am doing something wrong. I really have missed out on so much. The grace concept that I made fun of for so long is now changing my life for the better. (Ok, maybe I am a little resentful that our church pretty much messed up on that one) ( And I’m really getting tired of all the Pharisaical rules, also
🙂 ) I’m still trying to work on my bitterness problem…..Wow Silent Dawning! You have definitely went above and beyond. No wonder you feel unappreciated and frustrated at times. I have been thinking about this a lot lately trying to figure out why church has been so hard for me lately. I have realized that I just want peace. And the truth is the “church” has never given me true peace. I have never felt good enough to be there or truly be a real part of it. I have tried so many different times to feel like I belonged and it always involved me trying to be something I’m not. It causes frustration, anxiety and depression but not peace.
In all honesty, if I could just look forward to going to feel peace and comfort instead of stress, I could deal with a lot of the other issues that I have with it. But if instead of a refuge, it is a hazard, it makes me wonder if it is the place for me.
Thanks for that article LookingHard. It was great and he brought up some really good points. I am really concerned about how much the “rules” take precedence over people. This BYU mess is reinforcing that for me. I hope that the Pharisaical nature of the church starts improving because it is driving people away. I love your comment Amateur Parent. It very interesting to me that in a gospel that is supposed to be about love and service, one up-manship and becoming “better” than everyone else becomes the goal. It’s all about me and my blessings. Holy Cow…I’m so sorry that happened to you. That is just not right and it’s a shame that religion can cause a person to throw a loved one under the bus rather than try to help them back up and support them.
Did your husband listen to Pres. Uchtdorf’s talk given in the Priesthood session this last GC? If so, he might want to listen again carefully. There is some good advice on how to treat your family in there. Joni, I am really sorry you are having to go through this. It is a very hard situation when you and your spouse disagree on important matters that involve your kids. I really dislike early morning seminary. What really bothers me is that the church, except for very few exceptions, won’t allow kids to do online seminary. Why is that? Sometimes I feel like they want to make things as hard as possible even when there is no reason for it. Kids who are in sports or other after school activities will have a long day if you include early morning seminary. They might leave home at 5:30 am and then not get home until 6:00 that night. On mutual nights, they have to leave again at 7 and not get home until 8 or 8:30. It seems so ridiculous and unnecessary to me.
I would feel the same as you but I don’t know the solution when your husband feels as strongly the other way. I would be concerned with my kids academics suffering, also. I also believe that kids at that age should get to start making some decisions on their own. Maybe church is a must do but maybe mutual and seminary can be negotiated. They obviously can’t decide everything for themselves but I personally think they should be allowed to start having a say in their own lives, even when it comes to spiritual matters. Heavenly Father doesn’t force us to do anything so why should we force our children to do 100 percent of what we say?
Sorry, I don’t have any answers but I do feel for you in this hard situation. I hope it all turns out okay.
Shawn, Pres. Uchtdorf mentioned it very briefly during his Priesthood session talk. He was talking about happiness and he stated that except for some forms of chronic depression that need to be treated, we are in charge of our own happiness. Maybe that was the one you were looking for. I like that he made that exception before he started lumping everyone into the “how to be happy model”. I really loved that talk. mom3 wrote:Quote:President Uchtdorff’s message was ultimately one of compassion. I agree with Shawn that we need more talks about compassion and love than temples and prophets. We need more talks about tolerance and charity than we do about tithing and sacrament meeting attendance. We need more talks about charity and hope than we do about genealogy and priesthood keys.
I agree. If we spent more time feeling messages like Uchtdorf’s I believe we would find the better angels of our nature, and all the other lists would get fulfilled automatically. I really do believe that.
I believe that too, mom3. Start with the basics of love and charity,( Christ did say the greatest commandment was love) and the rest will follow. Pres. Uchtdorf emphasized this in both of his talks the last couple of days. He gets it.
Tears here also. His is an example of how you make people want to become better. I so wish more people would take note. His talk last night was also amazing.
Loved Pres. Uchtdorf’s talk on saving marriages and families. He does such a good job of inspiring without it feeling like a lecture.
