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Hi Ebowalker! I’m new here also but I just wanted to welcome you and chime in a little. I feel so bad for what you are going through. It would totally break my heart, also.
I also understand your anger at the church even though they didn’t directly advocate for this. In fact, your daughter’s in-laws sound like they are not very kind or caring people which goes against God’s teachings. The problem with the temple recommend system is that unkind and frankly, mean people can get a temple recommend if they are following the check list while others who are kind, giving and loving but may smoke a cigarette are kept out. And in our culture, temple recommend holders=good Mormons and non-temple-recommend member=not so good Mormons. It kind of brings out that “We’re better than you” aspect in people. This can be incredibly hurtful to those who are trying to live a good life the best they can but are viewed as “less worthy” because they don’t have a certain card in their wallet
I would agree with others that this could be temporary and your daughter may very well see that you have loved her and provided for her and that if she wants to truly do what Heavenly Father wants of her than she will be loving and maintain a relationship with you. Growing up and getting older does amazing things for one’s belief system. Life tends to knock us down off our pedestal every once in awhile so we can learn how to live the way we should. I know that this probably doesn’t help it hurt any less right now, though.
As far as your testimony and activity in the church, what you are going through kind of reminds me of why I am having such a hard time now. I have known for quite a while the rough history of the church and I definitely got upset each time I found out something new. I have always been able to get over it, though, by relying on my spiritual experiences. However, I had a very bad experience in a calling that I was just released from a year ago. It caused me to have a very dark depression that I didn’t even know existed. And that is what really shook my testimony. When you are hurt by some aspect of the church then the other stuff starts to bother you even more. I started to think why am I destroying myself over something that has this many holes and flaws? You get resentful so all you can see are the negative aspects and it starts to build and build until you only see the bad and refuse to see the good. This is where I have been at lately.
What I am trying to work on and hopefully what you can try to, is to look for the good in the gospel. Instead of only naming the bad, name something positive for every negative you come up with. For every mean, cruel person, is someone who really cares and is just trying to do what’s right. There are so many comforting parts of the gospel that I don’t want to give up.
Heber13 gave me some good advice when I came on this site. He reminded me that if the church was all unicorns, rainbows and pansies (or something like that
🙂 ) then we couldn’t learn and grow like we should. He said that frustration and angst are apart of it. I loved that because I really believed that if you were trying to do what’s right then you shouldn’t have any problems as far as the church was concerned. But I guess dealing with the hardship of it all really can shape and mold you.Although, I haven’t experienced feeling like my child has been taken away from me because of church, I have definitely felt darkness even when I was trying to do what’s right. So what I am learning is that I need to depend on Heavenly Father to guide me and setting limits on what I feel I can do in church. I just asked to be released from my current calling because my resentment was causing me to hate Sundays. What I have found I need to work on is getting rid of the resentment so I can focus on the good news of the gospel. I am still trying to find out what I have to do to get rid of that completely. Maybe if you can find a way to work on your understandable anger and hurt, then maybe you will remember some of the good ways that being a member has shaped who you are. Good luck and I am really sorry for the pain you are going through.
I could have written this post. The thought of just going 6 months without having to do a calling or even go to church at all just sounds like heaven to me. A couple of Sundays ago I just couldn’t go to church. I ended up going on a hike later that day and just that one day alone helped me so much. The problem was I had to get back on the treadmill the following Wednesday and then again on Sunday so the reprieve didn’t last long. Sometimes I feel that if I could have an extended break then maybe I could get rid of some of this resentment I have for church and I would be able to think clearly again. I know what you mean about not having the energy to serve in your community because all your time and energy is used in church callings. I had someone ask me once, “So what do you do for your community?….and church stuff doesn’t count!” Ummmm….nothing. It really gave me a new perspective and kind of made me feel guilty. At that time, my calling was taking up to 20 hours a week so I felt like I was serving but I guess not in some people’s eyes.
I asked to be released from my current calling after my bad weekend and I am feeling real guilt about it. Some days I’m not sure I made the right decision. Other days, I want to say no more callings at all for 6 months so I can find some desire to go to church again. My sister once told me that the year she was totally inactive was one of the best years of her life. Maybe I’m a little afraid that I might like disengaging a little too much and I might never want to reengage again.
It sounds like you have given your all for a lot of years. Taking a little break from having a calling and maybe even missing some Sundays once in awhile might give you a little more clarity on what you really want.
You don’t have to tell the bishop you don’t believe anymore just tell him you’re burned out and need a break. Sometimes we just need to recharge and I definitely think you deserve that.
Thank you Silent Dawning for bringing up this topic. I saw a Facebook post awhile back that basically said that they thought there were so many different religions because God wanted to make sure we all had a way back to Him even with all our differences. She said each religion served a purpose to bring specific groups of people back to God. I honestly had never thought of this before but it really hit me hard. It started to wonder if some people were meant to be in the LDS church and others became closer to God through other religions. I wondered if it really had to be and either-or situation where one is definitely wrong and the other is 100 percent truth. Maybe everyone has their own truth? One that works for them.
It really makes a lot of sense to me. There are many great, wonderful people that thrive in the LDS church and others who do very poorly in it. Maybe those that do poorly just need to find what is right for them, whether it is staying LDS under their own terms or finding a new religion all together that is compatible with them.
Welcome Pizzarroinspire! I love inspirational quotes, too. They are my biggest board on Pinterest. Reading them has really given me some hope in tough times.
Kirby’s article reminded me of a story I heard Joel Osteen tell: A man went to an affluent church dressed in jeans and cowboy boots. The congregation complained to the pastor so the pastor went to the man and said “before he comes to their church again he better ask God how he is supposed to be dressed”. He came the next Sunday in the same clothes. The pastor said, “I thought I told you to ask God how you are suppose to dress at our church”. The man said, “I did but God told me he didn’t know because he has never been here before”.
Quote:” When a prophet speaks for God, it is as if God were speaking (see D&C 1:38).”
I am not a big fan of this at all. I believe the prophet is very in tune with the spirit but I just can’t get on board with the statement that everything that comes out of his mouth is directly from God.
I also believe that any person that tries to have a relationship with God can have one no matter what their religion is, so saying that everyone else who doesn’t have our prophet has to live in darkness just isn’t right to me. It seems very disrespectful of other beliefs.
It is so hard for me because I think President Monson is a great man but I just have issues, in general, with the “follow the prophet” message.
This whole lesson is really a sore subject for me right now so I probably better stop while I’m ahead.
Thank you amateur parent, I am really thinking hard about it. I just found out that they are giving us $750 budget for the whole year with 20 girls. In my previous ward it was over $2000. That means I would have to spend a bunch of my own money if I wanted to do any decent activities. I spent well over $1000 of my own money when I was president. I don’t want to do that again. I’m really tired of the whole thing. Blah.
Thanks for the welcome Rob4Hope! It sounds like you have definitely had some very hard times with the church. I’m sorry. I understand what it’s like to be angry but I haven’t had to go through what you have so I can’t pretend to understand the level of anger you have felt. I guess I’m a cafeteria Mormon on the church’s stance of cafeteria Mormons.
🙂 One thing I tell myself is that making progress is the most important thing and I’m trying not to be too hard on myself if I take 2 steps back sometimes.Heber, I also believe that making mistakes and leading the church astray are two different things. Leading the church astray, to me is a very strong statement and I reserve that for something like polygamy. (Hopefully that is okay to post) But God didn’t let the church go astray, he took care of it, in my opinion.
I would really like to join the discussion on the other thread. I will start reading the lesson tonight.
🙂 Holy Cow…Thank you! You’re right, willing and able are two different things. Some days I’m not even willing. Some days I feel like I can gut my way through it. And sometimes I feel able. It depends on which day you ask me. 🙂 I am trying to be the type of leader that can encourage the girls instead of lecturing them. I just want them to feel comfortable going to YW and not judged. It’s kind of crazy but I would love to be in nursery. I am so much more comfortable around little kids than teenagers, which makes it even crazier that I have hardly ever been in primary and have been mainly in YW. I wish they could just have a sign up sheet for callings!Silent Dawning…Thanks for keeping me from being too melodramatic about the whole community thing. My husband has offered to go to the bishop and ask for me to be released if I want. I’m sure he wouldn’t do that if it would be detrimental to his job. When I think rationally about it, it seems kind of silly that it would affect it anyway. It is really hard because I want to be happy but I don’t want to run away from something hard, either. My mental state will be the deciding factor and I’m going to evaluate that on a week by week basis. I refuse to go down the same road as before. I actually will be visiting and having kids come home soon and I will make sure I take time off for that whether I ask to be released or not. Missing a Sunday or Wednesday activity every once in a while can do wonders for my emotional health.
I love this thread! The “cafeteria” approach to Mormonism is the only reason I am surviving right now. I disagree with the policy but I have confidence that God will make it right in the end whether it be in this life or the next. (Hopefully soon) The doubling down on “follow the prophet and your leaders” is really getting to me lately. The thing is I love President Monson and I always love his GC talks. I love the fact that Elder Renlund was chosen as an apostle. That makes me feel hopeful for the future. But sometimes leaders say things that I very much disagree with and I don’t want anyone to tell me that if I don’t “get in line” then I need to get out. That’s the feeling I get when I hear “it’s either true or it’s not”.
I personally believe that God lets everyone (including leaders) make mistakes because that is how we learn and grow the best. I believe the church is evolving for the better and mistakes that have been made in the past are slowly being corrected. I just don’t get it when people say leaders can’t lead us astray or make mistakes. That’s just not true. It’s happened before. Not only that, I think it is all part of the plan to improve. Isn’t that what the plan of salvation is all about? Isn’t that why we have the atonement?
When I have heard “cafeteria Mormonism” talked about in GC, it is used as a derogatory term. I have seen blogs saying it as an insult. That makes me fell frustrated and hurt like I’m not good enough or up to par with everyone else. But like the advice I got in my introductory thread, I am going to rely on my relationship with Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ. I really feel like they are patient with me and leading and guiding me. If I don’t feel condemnation from them, then I’m going to try not to let someone else make me feel less than no matter who it is.
On Own Now….Thank you for the great advice. It was very stupid of me to play around when I was having those suicidal thoughts, I now realize. I think everyone has scary thoughts for time to time but that was happening on a very consistent basis and I should have gotten help. I’m glad I made it out okay. That’s why I was so concerned when I started to slide back that way a little bit a couple of weeks ago. I won’t let myself go there again. I also know I have at times been unfair to my husband. I want him to respect my views but some how I think I’m allowed to disrespect his and that’s not right. In fact I know that this church has helped play a part in the great person he is today so why would I want to change that?
I really appreciate that last point because I sometimes I feel that since I don’t fit the mold of LDS that maybe I shouldn’t practice my faith there. But some days I know that I wouldn’t want to be anywhere else and I need to just worship the best I can where I’m at. It’s like Heber said church isn’t a yellow brick road with pansies and unicorns so if I’m looking for that, I’m probably not going to find it anywhere. (Although I do love listening to Joel Osteen. He is about as close to that as you can get. Plus, I could just get my spiritual fulfillment by sitting on the couch every Sunday
🙂 .) If I want to learn and grow I have to be challenged and right now I feel like this church is where I should be.Blindsided, Faithful Skeptic and Roadrunner…. Thank you all for your great advice. I actually did communicate a tiny bit with my bishop about my burnout with YW. I told him I needed to think about the calling for a few days. After that strong feeling I had gotten previously, I kind of felt like everything had a purpose and I actually wanted to do the calling because it would be good for me. I felt like I could do anything. Unfortunately, that lasted all of 2 weeks. My husband didn’t really even want me to take it because what I went through before was really hard on him too but he told me if I did take it I should set parameters like you suggested. I didn’t listen to his advice and I’m really kicking myself for that now. I have really thought about talking to them about my limits and offering them to release me as and option. I know both of those options, though, would cause more stress for them. But you are right my mental health comes first. One thing I have found out is that I definitely can’t do a bunch of other church service on top of all the YW requirements. That does not go well at all. So that will be a parameter that I will set for myself. Always Thinking…I have always been prone to anxiety and have slowly improved in dealing with it. But I had never experienced depression like I did when I was YW pres. I thought I had been depressed before but it was nothing like that. That was total darkness. I have looked up some books on the subject and I think next time we go shopping I will pick one up. Thanks for the suggestion!
Thank you everyone so much for your helpful comments. You have no idea how much it has helped me to talk it all out. I will try your suggestions so I can try to stick it out. In fact, my husband told me that we could be getting released at the end of the summer. If that is true, it might be doable. But it helps to know that if the downward spiral starts again I have the option to get released. Right now I will take it week by week. Thanks again!
Always thinking… That is actually great advice! A couple of weeks ago I had a really busy couple of weeks between YW and regular church stuff. That’s when the anxiety and darkness started to come on strong again. I was determined to go to a therapist. I realized, though, that the visits would go toward my deductible and it is pretty high. The thing is, church and YW stuff triggers the anxiety big time. When I am able to get away from that for awhile, it starts to get much better. So part of me just wonders why I don’t just get rid of what’s triggering it instead of spending a lot of money to be able to handle the situation. I do know that therapy would be beneficial, though. Minyan…I have apologized over and over to all of them. I am definitely trying to sit back more and not give unsolicited advice. They seem to do pretty well on their own without my interference. Imagine that!
