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Ann…Thank you. I am trying my best for the girls even if I feel really inadequate. Sometimes I’m just not sure I am what they need but I am going to take it week by week. Some weeks (like this one) I want to be done but then if I wait a few days I feel like a can go on a little bit more. I keep telling myself I can asked to be released at anytime and that helps me hold on a little longer. Nibbler…Yikes! Those missionary callings would be the worst for me. It is great you were willing to do it for that long. I swore up and down, backwards and sideways that I wouldn’t take a YW calling when we moved. I threw and gave away ALL of my YW supplies when we moved and I still said yes. You never know what could happen.
🙂 Ray…Thank you for the reminding me to be myself. I admit a large part of my extreme anxiety over being YW pres. was the pressure I put on myself to be perfect and be everything to everybody. I would tell myself I only need to please God and He appreciated any effort I gave but when it came down to saying no I wouldn’t do that, I would cave. I need to be willing to let others see my faults. It would probably help me a lot to remember that with this current calling.
Nibbler… Thank you for your comment and advice. I know I am really burned out on YW. I have been in it 9 of the last 12 years. I have actually told myself exactly what you just said. I have a lot of improvement left to do but maybe it’s okay and take a break and not improve for awhile 🙂 . I try to tell myself that Heavenly Father would understand. I have also thought about talking to the bishop (he knows a tiny bit about my past history) or maybe the YW president about not having to go to camp or plan big, stressful activities. The problem is the YW press really needs my help and I’ve been there. I know what it’s like and I don’t want to do that to someone else. It’s so hard because I want to have some self preservation and yet not make things more stressful to others.Heber…Thank you for your kind post. I’ll be honest you are telling me the things I already know and don’t want to hear. As miserable as this whole process is, I keep getting this nagging feeling that if I can just hold on and trust in God I will come out better in the end. Right now, though, I don’t feel better, I feel bitter. But then I do try to remember what I have gained from that experience; a more loving relationship with my kids which is the most important thing in the world to me. And to be honest, I would go through it all again if I had to. It was worth it. So I guess that is why I can’t bring myself to ask to be released in this calling yet. And thank you for the reassurance that my atypical way of believing could be actually beneficial to others because I have felt like maybe I am just too different from everyone else and I don’t belong. I don’t want to ever talk about modesty. When I was YW president I never even said the word. I have tried to concentrate all my lessons on Christ and being kind to others because that is what my testimony is centered on. But sometimes I just kind of feel like a fraud. Maybe, though, if I can try to find purpose in it, I can try to avoid the dark places I went to last time.
Minyan..Thank you for your thoughts as well. I know for sure that missions are wonderful but they are not meant for everyone. I realize that now, another lesson learned. I remember once I told my kids I was a failure as a parent because of their unwillingness to go on missions. It really hurt them. One of them said to me, “You know we are doing well in school and jobs, we don’t party, we try to be kind and are think you are a failure because of church?” I have always felt so ashamed of that. They are the type of kids that would make any parent proud. None are married but one is successful in his job, the other is in law school and the other is doing very well in college. To top it off they are kind and empathetic people. The judgement they received from others and and me while growing up has made them that much more sensitive to other’s feelings and plights. One of them is actually active in church and has a calling but it is very, very hard for him. Every week he has to talk himself into going. He also feels like he doesn’t belong. It’s hard when you hear people at the pulpit defining success in their children as serving a mission and getting married in the temple. This might not happen for any of my kids but does that mean they are not as successful as those that do?
Thank you everyone for your replies! I love this board and the kindness and understanding that is on here. That’s hard to find on the internet these days.
Thank you Dark Jedi for reading all of that! I do realize that nobody here can make my decision for me, unfortunately. I know that part of life is making hard decisions and learning and growing from them no matter what the outcome. Too bad everything isn’t black and white like it used to be for me. I really want to do what Heavenly Father wants of me. The problem is I don’t know what that is. I don’t even know if the LDS church is where he wants me to be. Sometimes it feels like I’m not a great fit.
It is interesting empathy is something that comes about from a faith crisis. My husband isn’t in a faith crisis but even he has developed a lot more empathy for others because of what the rest of our family has gone through. Empathy is something that I don’t see a lot of in others in the church. Even though most of them are very kind, they only see the world from their view and everyone else is either misguided or flat out wrong and sinful. I’m thankful for the opportunity for to learn that characteristic a little better.
