[khakari]

Curtis and oneofmany:

Thank you so much! I decided to at least read the conference talk. And as I saw Elder Holland’s face, after reading I took the chance to listen as well. I am ashamed of my judgment and have found peace in my relationship with Elder Holland. Who was I to judge his imperfection? His compassion for “my” condition is overwhelming and I believe his sincerity. I can only wonder what my ex-wife (a psychologist) felt during that talk. She suffered with my condition as much as I did. Her suffering may even have been harder, because I have grown used to the pain, whereas it was so new to her.

I left her because I felt I was no longer worthy to be her husband; that I could no longer put her through that kind of pain. We remain friends. In fact, most of the family, including her and myself, believe that we will marry each other again, even within this lifetime. She knows she is my one and only. But I am still a broken vessel. And she is still a mortal woman. And the pain doesn’t magically disappear, or even become bearable in some situations. So, for now, we remain apart.

As for Elder Holland, whatever it was that alienated me from him, it is gone. When he speaks of the Atonement, even though my logical mind does not see the need, my heart tells me it is real. However, as I have suffered with bipolar disorder, I have learned to not trust my heart. Therein lies the great sadness. I revealed, secretly, to my son-in-law under strict oath that I am reinvestigating my membership in the Church. I am working to know the Truth, however my mind can accept it. He told me that his wife, my daughter; and her sister and mom all believe that I will be back. Their faith in my former testimony gives me strength.

One of the saddest side effects of bipolar is that those you love cannot trust who you will be on any given day. So we hide away. We hide from ourselves for fear of who we might wake up as tomorrow; hoping the medication will be effective and that we won’t so offend someone as to lose our employment, our friends, our very lives.

Thank you for kicking my conscience. One hurdle overcome.

[khakari]

Thomas:

Your reply, for the most part, gave me comfort knowing someone gets that bipolar is real. But I have to tell you, Jeffrey Holland was my idol. During my crisis, I wrote two letters to him and received answers. As I studied further, I found things about my idol that I wish I hadn’t. Nothing sinful, just shy of perfectly honest. I can’t even listen to his name without my heart breaking. At this point, I can’t even imagine hearing his voice again. We are so stupid to idolize men, mortal men who make mistakes. But it happens all the time. What I learned about Joseph’s life within the Church hurt me, but did not stun me. Religious fervor abounded in the region at the time. But what I learned about Jeff broke my heart, because he lives in the Age of Technology, of enlightened and intelligent society. He should know better. Truthfully, it breaks my heart because I do love him so much. It’s like being cut off from the Father. I know I’ve said too much again. I apologize. No, I didn’t hear what he had to say, and I dare not listen.

Thank you for the welcome. More of my story will emerge as others ask as well. I don’t want to bombard folks with things they don’t care to know. But you are right. Church leaders do not know how to deal with mental illness, even when it is explained to them in first-hand detail. They just shake their heads and turn to the bishop’s manual and do what it says. They’re not to blame. There is no blame.

[khakari]

When it came time to bless and baptize my children, I went through the motions. I figured, if I didn’t believe it, but they did then no harm was done. I was “worthy” so even if my heart wasn’t in it, according to my Bishop, the ordinance would be honored both on earth and in heaven. If it isn’t true, what difference does it make?

[Author]

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