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Thank you so much SilentDawning! You touched upon something and made me realize that the unworthiness I had been feeling was not God’s heart towards me at all, but somehow related to my upbringing. I am feeling tremendously grateful because the things you said somehow snapped me back to reality and freed me from the heavy weight of guilt and self-loathing I had been experiencing. The perfectionism you spoke about comes from my BPD (Borderline) mother, who I am currently living with. I am now looking into how to establish boundaries in my relationship with her so that I don’t get sucked into her negativity. The community I was living in was also VERY perfectionistic, requiring you to make a clear confession of every single sin. Not only that, but you had to get to the root motive of what caused you to sin. For example, “I am sorry I reacted in anger, I was feeling irritated and instead of being open with you, I held things in because I was too proud and didn’t want to give up my own opinions. I repent for being proud. I don’t want to be that way.” And once I stopped confessing my sins and repenting, I no longer felt forgiven.
The last teaching I heard in the community before I left was about how people who inadvertently forget to put the lid back on the thermos (and thus cause their brothers to have to drink cold tea) will NOT enter the Kingdom (!!!) because they are being selfish and no putting others before themselves like Christ did. I am just now realizing how much I have been affected by living in this kind of environment for so long. There was so much truth to what they taught, but I am wanting to determine what God truly expects from me, and I am hoping the LDS Church will help clarify this so that I am no longer so tortured with guilt and worthlessness.
I am truly grateful for this forum, and for your support. Thank you for being so understanding, and for taking the time to listen.
Thank you so much for your thoughtful responses to my post! I am not sure what is wrong with me, that I am so dependent on religious organizations to help me overcome my negative, unloving tendencies. I seem to deteriorate spiritually when I am not associated with a religious group. I know the Bible speaks about the necessity of good assocation, but in my case, it’s almost like I require constant edification and support from people who are more spiritually advanced. When I was in the community, I knew I was living in a way that was pleasing to God, and I knew I was doing what He created me to do – loving and serving others without thought for myself. Now, without any religion, my sins are piling up and I feel a heavy weight of guilt as a result. I deeply desire a clean conscience, but feel discouraged because I don’t know if I will ever be able to love as Christ loved apart from a communal living environment. I have no problem being chaste or abstaining from drugs and alcohol – but what I find most difficult is overcoming irritation, anger, pride, etc. and choosing to make sacrifices to meet the needs of others instead of spending time indulging in what I want to do.
In the community, I had no choice, no free will. I was told what to do every moment of the day. Now that I have my freedom of choice back, I find that I am making very unloving, unChristlike choices in the way I spend my free time, and I am no longer able to transcend unrighteous emotional reactions like getting angry or offended due to pride. In the community, I very rarely experienced any of these things and when I did, I simply prayed and/or talked with my friends about my withered condition, and was given abundant grace and help to be able to love in every circumstance. I do not understand why I cannot maintain the same faith, and receive the same help outside of the community.
The whole reason I returned to the community was because I believed it was the only way I would be able to develop self-sacrificing love for others, and though I was consistently able to do so, I ended up leaving because it was too controlling. Sadly, I feel like I may actually NEED a controlling, structured, authoritarian communal environment to be able to love as Christ loved. Which is a dilemma, as I don’t actually want to return to that type of controlled lifestyle.
I am still drawn to the LDS Church and have a glimmer of hope that perhaps returning to the Church would enable me to overcome the iniquities that prevent me from being able to love others and maintain a clean conscience before God. I am seriously considering calling the missionaries or Bishop, though I don’t want to disappoint them if I end up leaving the Church again so I am trying not to rush into things.
Thank you so much for taking the time to encourage me, your responses were most helpful! I do tend to be an ‘all or nothing’ extremist, so going slowly is not something I have ever done before, but I will try! The main issue I am facing is that I was unemployed for seven months and am just now starting a highly demanding, time consuming job leaving me very little free time (I also care for my nephew every weekend). To go from having tons of free time to none at all, and then adding the requirements of the Church seems like it is going to be very, very stressful. I am afraid my mental and emotional health will suffer as a result. Starting a new job, being immersed in a social atmosphere after seven months of being a reclusive and joining a Church all at the same time seems like it is just too much for me to handle.
I have a tendency to manic depressive episodes which are worsened by stress, so this is a genuine concern of mine. The irony is the job I am starting is the most highly stressful job I could have possibly chosen!
Yet there is a part of me that wonders if returning to the Church would actually HELP me handle the stress in my life (?), as it would remind me of the purpose of challenges and adversity and provide me with a support system in a sense….Do you think I’m being overly idealistic, or is there some truth to this? Should I wait to return to Church until after I’m settled in my new job? Sorry for being so needy, and for not being able to righly discern and choose for myself. As you can tell, I’m pretty confused right now. Thank you so much for listening!
Thank you for sharing this! It made me reflect on the the amazing support system and wonderful role models for virtuous behavior that are found in the LDS Church. It seems like the Church attracts and produces sincere disciples who are genuinely interested in developing Christlike qualities. I know that for me, in choosing a religion, this was the main thing that drew me to the LDS faith. Even ten years after leaving, I continued to perceive Mormons as being “the most righteous and loving” adherents of any religion. What I feel is even more significant is the fact that LDS youth are so active in the Church and able to maintain purity even in the midst of this wicked and pervese generation. I wish I could participate in your classes!
Wow, what a wonderful way to view this issue, Ray. This forum really does help me get out of my tendency to think in black and white! When I was reading what you wrote, I could see myself thinking along these lines with regard to the Church’s current position on homosexuality. Thank you for all your helpful advice! I took the first step and bought my own cell phone today so I can have the missionaries call without upsetting my mother. I will keep you updated re: my return to full membership as my journey progresses. I may just show up at Church on Sunday without contacting the misionaries or Bishop first and see what happens:) I agree! I love the profiles! I read one profile on that site of a single mother who was into going to punk rock concerts, and who admitted to having trouble with her teenage son. Seemed refreshingly honest. Wow, cwald – that’s great! I think my spiritual journey would have been much different if I had children. I can’t imagine raising children in this present society without such a strong support system. It seems like the LDS Church is the best, most effective option for keeping children and youth strong enough to withstand the corruption and immorality thrust upon them via the mass media and negative peer influences. I think this is what draws people (like myself) to communal movements as well, like the Hutterites, Bruderhof, etc. Thank you for replying, Ray! I don’t know anyone in any ward in my area. Do you think I should just call the local Bishop and tell him I’d like to meet with him? Would you recommend I be totally honest with him even though I don’t know him? The one thing I have held onto is the fact that I experienced selfless love in the LDS Church, and my own capacity to love and develop Christlike qualities increased a hundredfold when I joined the Church. For me, the only thing that really matters in life regardless of what religion I follow is whether or not I increase in loving during this short lifetime. Having explored nearly every religion, I finally came to the conclusion that the LDS Church is the religion that most effectively helps me to overcome my negative, unloving tendencies and enables me to become more like Christ. It was never an issue of “which Church is true”, but which will help me learn how to love like Christ. My main problem is that those unbidden doubts and “negative tendencies” rise up and sometimes cause me to want to leave the Church, so now my goal is to be open with people when they arise instead of simply running away. I’m so sorry to hear about your spiritual struggles. I can relate to your faith in God being tied to your faith in the Church. When I left the Church (both times), I had a similar experience where I started to question things that I previously had unwavering faith in. It precipitated an existential crisis. I had the same experience in all the other religious groups I was involved in – I would go from being completely convinced of the truth of a certain religion/path to being full of doubt and disbelief. It makes me wonder what makes one person able to sustain unwavering faith throughout their entire lives, while others fall into doubt. I have longed to be blessed with steady faith, but this has not been my experience over the past 20+ years. I hope that you are able to find peace and assurance through the support of others here in this forum and be comforted by the realization that you are not alone.
SilentDawning, Thank you so much for sharing this with me!! I could really relate to what you wrote about external helps being conducive to spiritual progress. It was comforting to hear that my struggle isn’t unique, and that there is a way to integrate spirituality into my day-to-day life in the world. I also appreciated learning that it is time for me to grow up and stop relying solely upon externals (environment, authoritative controls and social support) for my faith. I am starting to see the importance of taking responsibility for my own growth instead of seeking constant direction and help from others. I used to think that I could never fulfill God’s will apart from an authoritative environment. I’ve perceived my agency and will as being so fallen that I NEED to live in an environment where I am held accountable for my actions, as it is far too easy for me to choose “self” over love and sacrifice. Even with regard to my membership in the LDS Church, when I wanted to return to a life of sense gratification, I simply turned my phone off and stopped answering the door. I am afraid that I will make this decision again, which is why I’ve been so hesitant about returning to Church.
Leaving the community, on the other hand, was extremely difficult – I had to escape in the wee hours of the morning, and even after escaping, community members drove three hours to my mother’s house to find me! Not that I actually desire that level of control over my life, but sometimes it seems like I need it due to what appears to be an intrinsic lack of self-control. I also used to think that going to JAIL would be the only way I’d be able to reform my character, because I wouldn’t be able to make any wrong decisions there! So immature….
What a great attitude to have! I kept thinking of Luke 6:30-36 as I was reading your post: Quote:Give to everyone who asks of you. And from him who takes away your goods do not ask them back. And just as you want men to do to you, you also do to them likewise. But if you love those who love you, what credit is that to you? For even sinners love those who love them. And if you do good to those who do good to you, what credit is that to you? For even sinners do the same. And if you lend to those from whom you hope to receive back, what credit is that to you? For even sinners lend to sinners to receive as much back. But love your enemies, do good, and lend, hoping for nothing in return; and your reward will be great, and you will be sons of the Most High. For He is kind to the unthankful and evil. Therefore be merciful, just as your Father also is merciful.
I too have experienced a lot of satisfaction when I’ve reached out to those who seem most undeserving of my love. My problem is that I tend to be overly submissive, allowing people to walk all over me – and since being a disciple of Christ requires that we love our enemies, sometimes I wonder if I’m simply enabling these types of (arrogant,etc.) individuals to continue engaging in this sort of behavior. I was told that one of my main iniquities is cowardice. I often know when it would be more loving to call people out on their mistreatment of others but fail to do so because I want to maintain a “nice” persona and want to avoid the feeling of having others dislike me. One woman in the community told me that cowards will not enter the Kingdom, but I still couldn’t seem to bring myself to overcome this iniquity.
I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately. When I was living in the community, I had no independence of action at all, so I felt like God must be very pleased with me because I was sacrificing my will, my desires, my personal preferences and feelings in order to serve others. But in the long run, I felt like it was enforced and not natural. But it was very satisfying because it gave me a clean conscience, serving others night and day. The problem I’m now having with my desire to return to the LDS Church is that I’m afraid it may not require enough self-sacrifice. I have been so “brainwashed” by the community to believe that the self-sacrifice and renunciation required by God and exhibited by Christ is so total that there should be NO room for selfish desire at all. In the community, I was constantly engaged in serving others without thinking about my own needs/desires. Now, I have all this free time and feel confused and guilty about how I’m spending my time and how I am using my money.
I’m also wondering how it is possible to lead a selfless life in the world when you have to spend most of your time trying to make a living for yourself. In the community, this was not an issue. Everyone was focused on meeting their neighbor’s needs. It seems like it was a lot easier to live the gospel in community. I am feeling a little discouraged about my ability to maintain the same standard as a member of the LDS Church, even though there is more support than other churches, it is still not 24/7.
I’ve found that the most effective means for eliminating uncharitable thoughts is supplicating God in prayer. Having spent the past two years living in a relatively large community dealing with people’s quirks and “unloving” tendencies on a daily basis, I had many opportunities to confront the ways in me that tend to “think evil” of others. Every day, I would take long walks and pour my heart out to Him, begging Him to help me see things from His perspective and to overcome the root of my lack of love. He was so faithful! He always answered these prayers in such a dramatic way that I knew it was divinely orchestrated. I would go from being completely resistant to surrendering my own will/opinions to literally feeling great compassion and love towards the very person or situation that was bothering me. It was a painful process, however, dying to self. It kept me dependent upon the Lord for help, and increased my faith a hundredfold. I knew that I had nothing to fear because all I had to do was pray and He would work everything out for the good.
