[kotm]

Roy wrote:

Hi friend,

One of the axioms that we have used on this site in the past is to “trade up.” For example, when someone is contemplating not attending church it might be a trade up to go on a hike in nature, or to work on a project that you have been putting off, or spend quality time with someone important to you.

In your particular case, you seem to be making an effort to be social through regular church channels. If you are going to stop those efforts then I would advise you to replace them with other social pursuits. Most of us as humans need socialization to some degree and I would hate to see yourself closed off from such experiences.

As far as being single, I would open my horizons to non-LDS women. Is there any reason that you would not consider a non-member? You mentioned that your “luck” would not change dating outside the church. That might be so. If I were in your shoes, I think that I would open myself up to as many different opportunities and possibilities as I could.

Pornography. I am willing to go out on a limb and say that you use this as a coping mechanism and for a feeling of self validation. The mechanics are not all that dissimilar to stress eating. I don’t suggest that this would magically go away if you were in a sexual relationship because it is how you have grown accustomed to dealing with stress. However, I do hope to provide some context to help you understand that this makes you a normal person with a normal amount of baggage.

“You miss 100% of the shots that you don’t take.” I think this very much applies to relationships. Dating and rejection can really sting. Keep trying.

“Axiom”. It appears I have learned a new word today. haha

I am trying to be social within my peers in the church. But for some reason there is a mental block preventing me from doing so. I try to attend Home Evening with my YSA ward. However often times the activitiy is uninteresting causing me to go off and hang out in the lobby, waiting for the clock to run out. I am incredibly shy. However that does not prevent me from having a conversation with someone. But I think a lot of it may be related to shielding myself from being hurt like I have been in the past. My two goals seemingly are to make some friends and potentially meet someone.

And yes absolutely being single in the church is terrible. A lot of my desire for a female companion is rooted in having someone close to you. Right now this is sort of my parents and my sister. And while that’s great, they have their own things going on. And I don’t live closeby my parents anymore. I do live close to my sister. She is inactive, but she’s a pretty cool person. We often go to sporting events, and do other things together. But that is family, and and has it’s limiations. They are friends, who have to be your friends due to circumstances. There’s just something about having someone at your side who loves and cares for you that is not family.

I have in fact somewhat tried dating non-lds women. In fact I was well known for chasing non-lds girls back when I was a teenager. And was often critisized for it by my youth counterparts. But I often run into a couple of problems with non-lds. The first probably is I am not very open about my religious beliefs. And often times I worry that may become a cog later down the road. The second is socializing with someone who is not lds involves drinking. I obviously don’t drink. And while part of it has to do with the WoW – I just don’t really like it. I think it’s kinda gross. (lol). I have tried alchohol before, back when I was working on my undergrad in college. Of course not everyone who is not lds drinks socially, that would be an unfair assumption. But it’s a 50/50 in many cases.

And just to be clear I have never ocne been in an intimate relationship my entire life. That’s what makes it more furstrating is I am coming up on 30 years on this earth and have never been in a relationship with anyone. So naturally it gets very frustrating.

There is a girl who is non-lds who in a lot of ways has sort of stolen my heart. I have known her since I met her back in my community college days a decade ago. However it turned into a friend zone, and she just doesn’t have an interest in me. I have tried making moves in the past, but she is usually dating another guy or in between guys. In some ways knowing her dating history I may have dodged a bullet with her. But doesn’t change the fact I have feelings for her still. But I am starting to get over her, so that may be a good thing. I don’t think long-term friendzoned relationships are healthy. But you never know I guess. Honestly though if she’s happy I am happy. Even if that means she’s in a relationship with another guy that is not me. We haven’t hung out much though mostly due to my shyness, and cutting myself off from the world.

As for correlating pornography use to stress eating I agree 100%. I live alone, no friends and not many interesting hobbies outside of photography and video games and watching baseball. I have had a pornography issue since I was about 13 and I’m almost 30. So 17 years. It’s amazing how it works a lot like a drug addiction. Starts small, and I kept seeking a higher payload.Now it’s sued as as coping mechanism of being lonely, boredom and forgetting about my life stressors. I find it incredibly boring, but it’s almost like an automatic instinct. I can go days without it though, so it’s not like it’s destroying my life or putting me in danger. But I would draw the line to similairites of someone who smokes or drinks when they come home from a stressful day at work.

I totally get what your saying with how that is pretty normal baggage among church members, partically the younger ones. However there is still the stigma around it, and once someone finds that out there’s a 50/50 shot they will be understanding and accepting, or will not want anything to do with you at all. I have started to listen to Sara Brewers podcast relating to pornography addiction. it has helped me understand how it is not something that still carries the stigma is used to, or at least we are heading that way.

[kotm]

DarkJedi wrote:

Sometimes leaving the church, formally or informally, is the best thing for an individual. Similar to marriage in that respect – sometimes a relationship can be saved and sometimes it can’t.

May you find the peace you seek.

It just seems the writing is on the wall. I have 2 years left in a ysa ward and it’s on to a SA ward or a family ward. Being single in the church sucks and often I feel like garbage most of the time because of it.

I’ve tried. Maybe I could have tried better. But it just seems the church doesn’t care about someone like me. Single, and an outsider. And no matter what I do it’ll always stick with me for life.

And I know for a fact I’ll always be single. Lds girls just aren’t into a guy like me with the baggage I have. I’m too shy, and I lack confidence. Oh and even worse I struggle with pornography. No matter what I try and I can’t shake it from my life. No girl wants that kind of baggage. I’m not even endowed either. And not like my luck would change with dating outside the church either.

[kotm]

SilentDawning wrote:

kotm wrote:

I have even talked to LDS therapists and in their own rose colored bias told me the problem is with me.

This is a MAJOR beef I have with the church. When things don’t go well, they always blame the member. There is no sense of accountability or a willingness to acknowledge that sometimes leaders and members make mistakes that alienate the average person. There is little or no effort to make amends.

I feel for you.

It’s too common. I mentioned a bit earlier I tried sharing my grievences with the church on sites like reddit in the latterday saints sub reddit. I figured people within my age range would be understanding. But instead I was chased away. I was even chased away from an lds gamer group on discord as well for liking games they didn’t approve of. Even though they discussed games that were M rated too. All it has done is really drive a wedge between myself and the church, and makes me dislike fellow members greatly. It’s just reinforce the stereotype that mormons can be massive hypocrites.

The irony is I really enjoy my YSA ward. Mostly since it’s not in a high concentrated lds area and people seem to be a bit more tolerant. My only issue is I’m terrified of coming out of my shell and overcomming my shyness.

I have had quite a bit of experiences younger as a youth where I’d try to socialize only ending with me being more embarrassed and made fun of. And often times, the entire not serving a mission angle really worries me as I feel it would hamper my ability to date. I also struggle with pornography unfortnely. And often times I feel I am not like everyone else just since the church seems to expect too much of it’s members.

Yes I know I have a major chip on my shoulder. And it would be better served if I got rid of it. But I just can’t for some reason. I’ve always felt I got the short end of the stick with life and it just hasn’t been fair to me.

[kotm]

Roy wrote:

You are not in competition with anyone else. You are free to run your own race or even decide that you aren’t into running and would prefer something else entirely.

kotm wrote:

I have tried this so many times. And every single time I simply just do not mold well with a group. I even try my hardest to be kind and respectful of everyone else. And it just turns into everyone hating me even more for it. I have concluded that I will simply be lonely for the remaining of my lifetime. It sucks, but I think I need to accept this. Heck I am almost 30 and still single.

I recommend trying again. Most of us need social interaction. It can be a challenge to find a group that you gel with but I think that the effort is worth it. Also, most of the people that I meet through these channels do not become close friends that might ever get invited over to my home. They are friends/acquaintances for a particular activity and that is fine.

I would also recommend continuing to date. Dating can be horrible and I do not claim to be good at it at all. However, I do know that not dating and not meeting new people socially is a more surefire path to loneliness. “You miss 100% of the shots that you do not take.”

I’m trying very hard to ease back into things. I think I just need to stay away with trying to interact with members on reddit, because in many ways that has done a TON of damage. I had a recent fairly heated discussion with a few on something. I had felt I was correct, but they did not like that very much. And I often let those things rub me the wrong way because it’s the very thing I grew up around. My entire upbringing within the church is something I hold onto very tight and just cannot let go for some reason. Because that is where everything went wrong for me. I felt I often got the short end of the stick in everything. I was often disregarded by others, forgotten and ignored. It’s so hard to let go of the past. Especially knowing said past can often be the cause of many of your current difficutlies.

I have no problem with my YSA ward. However a lot of the difficulty of making friends is based on not getting hurt, and worried I won’t fit in. I don’t have much in common with Mormons considering I have sort of lived off the cultural grid of the church for nearly a decade. And it wasn’t until two summers ago where I decided to start making an attempt at attending more regularly.

[kotm]

Old-Timer wrote:

Have you tried counseling? I highly recommend it. You might have to try more than one, but, often, the first one is a good fit.

I have tried counseling in the past. And it didn’t seem to help at all. One did more damage, and the other was great. But I felt like I was just spending money to talk to someone who couldn’t really see that I needed help so I quit going. It has been about 8 years since I last saw one. Maybe I will again. I am dealing with some pretty severe chronic depression again too. Along with my pornography habbit, isolation, and not having any friends it’s a vicious circle for me. It also sucks seeing people my age doing so well at life and it just makes me feel pretty bad about myself.

[kotm]

Roy wrote:

DarkJedi wrote:

I get your desire to be part of your tribe and find companionship within the life you know. It can be a tough row to hoe, but it’s not impossible. Where you live there are likely others your age who have had similar experiences and/or who are more open thinkers. Perhaps trying to find them might be helpful as well (and there likely are some in your ward).

I have found some success in diversifying my social circles. Essentially, I would recommend looking into any clubs or associations that you could join. As you start to develop these other social circles, the LDS circle will begin to take up less space. I believe that this process of diversification will make you more resilient because you will be less vulnerable to negative feedback from a single group.

I have tried this so many times. And every single time I simply just do not mold well with a group. I even try my hardest to be kind and respectful of everyone else. And it just turns into everyone hating me even more for it. I have concluded that I will simply be lonely for the remaining of my lifetime. It sucks, but I think I need to accept this. Heck I am almost 30 and still single.

It really doesn’t seem to matter anymore for me. I’m simply the world’s whipping boy. Everyone is allowed to push me around, but if I ever stick up for myself I am always told to shut up and get over it.

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