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Shattered wrote:
I think the tips for “staying LDS” in the essay are terrific. I’ve been trying to do that, but …I feel like I’m living a lie. I sit in Sunday School each week and I can’t help but mentally pick apart the lesson, based on the things that I now know happened or happened very much differently that aren’t being talked about on Sunday. I am constantly biting my tongue to keep quiet in class. I have no faith in the Book of Mormon or the other “revelations” given by Joseph Smith. It’s not that I think his revelations/scriptures are “bad”, I just don’t think they’re what Joseph claimed them to be. So many inconsistencies, implausibilities, and misinformation that I’ve just unquestioningly swallowed my whole life without ever really researching or even thinking about them!
A few tips for surviving Sunday School since I have dealt with many of the same frustrations. One thing I do sometimes is just tune out, not listen. I’ll write in my journal or read scriptures-both activities I find enjoyable in moderation. I also see where I can inform people in non-threatening ways, such as slip in a comment about practices surrounding polygamy, etc. I also try to encourage kindness, tolerance and understanding of those who are not Mormon to combat people who tend to promote hard-core fundementalism.At the same time I have come to accept that any impact I individually am going to make is going to be small and to understand that the social dynamic of religion is so complex that I am not going to make major changes anytime soon. I think if you feel major reform has to happen now you are only going to find frustration.
Shattered wrote:
I have expressed my loss of faith to my wife. I’ve even put together a list of “questions that need answers” and asked my wife to read it. She didn’t have much to say about it, except to basically tell me that if I stop going to church or say or do anything that will disrupt her “perfect mormon life” that our family as I know it will fall apart. Perhaps if that’s all that’s holding the marriage together, it deserves to fall apart.
This is a very sensitive subject for many women. Let’s face it their whole lives they are taught to strive for an eternal marriage with the priesthood in their home. Admittedly with my own wife I took it slow and subtlely brought up questions, etc, for about 2 years before I finally broke and told her how I felt about the Church. Our marriage was great when I was faking it and went through a very difficult time after I initially told her and it seems to have kind of moderated now to where things are much better and she seems to accept where I am at though I have appeased her by going to Church and by paying tithing on half of the income (she stays at home). Admittedly if my wife’s parents weren’t so adamantly against divorce in general she probably would have left me during that rough time though. I am happy in some respects to finally have it out how I feel about the Church such that most of the family and some friends know but there was also some advantages to keeping it to myself.
Shattered wrote:
This sucks. The only solution I can see to keep my family together and my marriage intact is to bite my tongue and just keep whistling into the wind. Many people have done much worse than that in their lives, so I guess I can to.If, as the essay posits, there is really no “true church” and mormonism is as good as any other, then I guess this is ok and I’ll just have to learn to cope. But what I’m concerned about is that there IS some true church, maybe it’s “christianity”, I don’t know. But it’s definitely something that I’m digging into pretty hard. All my life I’ve “known” that I had all the answers, and here it turns out that I’m just as clueless as everybody else.
I would recommend slowly working your way out of things that you feel don’t reflect your honest beliefs. Feel free to turn down callings or opportunities to speak. Don’t make comments or agree with things in lessons you don’t agree with. Recognize that you are trapped in the Church because of social practices and not because of belief. That recognition will empower you to take the things in the Church that help you and that uplift you and to avoid or even reject the things in the Church that overwhelm, bore or even offend you. Yes, you can’t change other’s social views but that is true of Mormons and non-Mormons alike. Accept that you can’t quickly change all the social constructs around you (and that is not just religious but even political and other social norms) and that you can slowly move things in the right direction by expressing your honest views as much as possible without tearing yourself from the family and friends that you care about.I have finally had a chance to read the OP and I’m very sorry to hear of your incredible difficulties. I agree that the Church doesn’t knoow how to deal with homosexuality and quite frankly I don’t think the metaphors and teachings the Church uses to deal with the everyday internal struggles that we humans face, that are quite useful to many of us, are sufficient for wrestling with the difficulties you face on this issue. Personally I think that not only is there nothing wrong that you did to become gay but that there is also nothing inherently wrong with homosexuality, period. It does not make you bad to have that desire or even to express it-it is simply an unfortunate relic of past dogma regarding this subject which has created tension between you and your family which is tragic. I know that you are in a difficult situation though as you are attempting to navigate your relationships with family and your desires to live life in the way you want. But whatever course you take to navigate those waters I hope you will certainly recognize there is absolutely nothing wrong with you or the expression of your feelings(while obviously taking into account the normal considerations of any adult sexual relationship such as health and trust issues, etc) but that you are simply caught within a culture that is, at least in respect to this issue, outdated. I also hope you understand that your family is undoubtedly entrenched within the thought processes which will make it difficult if not impossible for them to fully understand your plight or your decisions and to forgive them for that. However I think in most circumstances they will be much more understanding and loving than you would anticipate. Whatever the case I wish you the best in seeking peace and finding a resolution to this very difficult dilemma.
I love these moments. I personally feel I can’t bring up stuff like this anymore as I’m considered an ‘apostate’ by many of the ward members already but I love seeing when others bring up things that clearly make others ‘uncomfortable’. This Sunday actually in Sunday School during a discussion of Joseph Smith’s death someone brought up that Joseph Smith had a pistol (unfortunately nobody brought up that he used it and killed one of the assailants) but it was rather entertaining to see the young teacher who had never heard that not know how to respond so she just kind of looked blankly and said, “Oh, I never knew that” and moved on. However, you are right that a lot of times there is no reaction. I think most members deep down are realists and when someone brings the discussion back to reality and away from dogma they recognize that the person has a point and don’t wish to make themselves foolish by debating it and so they just simply move on.
