[MayB]

I’m at the point where I kind of wish I could take a break for a while. I just don’t feel it would be a good idea because I know it would cause tension in my marriage and family. I have begun to be a bit more loose in some of those outward markers you mentioned. On general conference Sunday, we decided that our family would be better strengthened by visiting a near by national park and exploring nature together than by sitting in front of the television for four hours during which the kids get restless and my husband always falls asleep. We did the same thing in lieu of attending stake conference as well. These family outings were a wonderful way for us to reconnect and we even talked about spiritual things. My mother and in-laws were a bit shocked that we weren’t glued to the television hanging on every word spoken from the pulpit that weekend, but I’m confident that it was a better way for us to spend our time. Besides, then we could go back and watch or read over those talks that we felt might actually offer us something of value.

I think giving yourself a break could be a wonderful way to explore a deeper spirituality than you may currently be experiencing at your Sunday meetings. Good luck with whatever you choose. We all have to find our own way.

[MayB]

I’m so glad I posted here. All of your insights and suggestions have been enormously helpful. In all of the reading and searching I’ve been doing, I’ve been coming across so many negative stories about experiences with children and the church. But I suppose those with bad experiences are bound to be the most vocal. Now that I’m more aware of what aspects of the church have the potential to be damaging or difficult for children, I feel like I’m a bit more prepared to help my children navigate them.

Ann wrote:

I just think it is possible to avoid some of the worst extremes we see in the Church sometimes and take the good with the bad (if you want to) without feeling like you should have to scrap the whole thing ASAP as if that will automatically be better for your children overall.

This is what I hope to do. Living in Utah can sometimes make it hard because these extremes sometimes seem quite prevalent. I plan on constantly reminding my children that everything is a choice that they have to make. They don’t need to just blindly follow what they hear in church. Their father and I will love them no matter what.

Another question/concern I have is that, if in my own studying and search for truth I decide, for example, that The Book of Mormon is not an actual historical record literally translated from golden plates but rather a 19th century text written by Joseph Smith, do I allow my children to believe what they are taught in church or make my views known? Do I wait until they are older and then gradually begin deeper discussions of church history and what I feel about it? How do I let them build faith and character, while not feeling like a fake?

[MayB]

Thank you for all your responses and suggestions. I’ll be looking at the recommended posts. I already read and love fMh. I know that no one in the church says or does any of these things with bad intentions. I have to remind myself of that often. I guess what I really worry about is what Cadence mentioned.

Cadence wrote:

There was just to much crap they had to overcome as they got older.

I’ve seen this in the lives of my siblings who all have major psychological issues that stem from the way we were raised. I know a lot of it has to do with our parents and their dysfunctional relationship, but some of it also has to do with church culture and expectations. Only 2 of the 5 of us still attend church at all.

I’ve also seen it in my own life and my husband’s. For me, I was always told to do the best I could and set high goals for my education and a career until I got married. Then there was this intense pressure to quit school, stay home and have babies. I love my children, but I hate that I gave in. Then I always felt guilty because I didn’t love being at home and I just didn’t fit the mold of what a good Mormon woman should be. It took me nearly 8 years for me to finally get back to school and finish my B.S. degree and I’ll be starting a master’s this fall. Now I work very part time(once or twice a month) in something that doesn’t require me to utilize day care or other babysitting. After my Master’s, I hope to work a bit more, although still part time.

As for my husband, his parents are very strict in their interpretations of the gospel and the church. Their entire lives revolve around it. His father is a patriarch and now a temple sealer. My husband was made to feel guilty and filthy because of the natural functions of the male body that every teenager experiences. He was not allowed to do things with his friends unless it was church related. His parents frequently left him and his four siblings home alone for hours while they attended the temple. He was not permitted to go on more than one date with any one girl. His mom freaks out if he wears anything other than a white shirt and tie to church or to administer a blessing. The list could go on and on. And now that we have four of their five grandchildren, they try to project some of this onto them. Every birthday card they send gushes about how they are so proud of the way the kids are going to church or getting baptized or how in so many years they can get the priesthood and go on a mission. They don’t see my kids as individuals or compliment them on their accomplishments outside of church.

While I understand that the parenting style of me and my husband will have the most influence on our children, I guess I still worry. I worry about everything. It’s just my nature.

[MayB]

Thank you all for your responses and the warm welcome! I love the suggestions regarding my SS class and looking at the church to find what I like about it. Sometimes it’s hard to find and keep the good while ignoring or rejecting the bad.

Yes, my husband is amazing! I worry though that if I share too much with him, he might start just shutting it out and stop listening, so I try to be careful. As hawkgrrl pointed out….

hawkgrrrl wrote:

When I asked him “What if the church isn’t true?”, he replied that it would mean that his dad was a fraud, that his mission was pointless and he’d been lying to everyone all those years and he was quite defensive.

Good heavens! That’s a very black and white perspective. I couldn’t disagree more! It’s similar to the ridiculous assertion that the BOM is either manna from heaven or the grossest falsehood or that JS is either sitting on the right hand of God or the biggest charlatan who ever lived. The truth is almost always in between. Personally, I believe a lot of the doctrines of the church are inspired and inspiring. And often misunderstood. The church misrepresenting itself or the facts of its history doesn’t necessarily mean it does so intentionally. Sociologically there are a lot of reasons this happens in organizations. For example, the company I work for talks a lot about how timeless its values are and the importance of what it does. But of course I know for a fact that there are plenty of examples through history where it has made mistakes or not lived up to its values or its values have changed. Does that make it a fraud? No, just fallible.

… he does have a very black and white perspective. That’s how his parents raised him. They’re very strict and black and white, especially about everything pertaining to the church. I caused quite the scandal when we were first married by drinking a diet Coke in their presence. He’s a lot more laid back than his parents and resents most of their parenting practices they pushed on him when he was younger. His mother, in particular, has done a lot of emotional damage.

Anyway, I’m happy to be here. Not sure how often I’ll be able to post and respond, but so glad to have a place to do so. Thank you.

[MayB]

Thank you so much Roy. My husband really has been wonderful! I was scared to death to even bring this up with him. I know he feels scared and so I try not to bring up too much with him. He’s sacrificed a lot during his life in order to follow the church’s teachings and his parents are very rigid about obedience to prophets and the letter of the law. I can see how the possibility that everything isn’t as it has been taught to him would be terrifying and make him feel as if he’d wasted much of his life and suffered needlessly. I’m trying to be very careful and be open with him about my feelings without pushing them onto him.

Thank you for your suggestions about teaching. I’m trying to appreciate the way the manual teachings can inspire us to be more Christlike and to focus on those aspects of the lessons rather than the events that I see as problematic.

I’m so glad I found this site as well. In looking for somewhere to discuss things, most of what I found was made up of those who had already left the church and I didn’t see much help for those of us trying to find ways to stay.

[MayB]

My faith crisis is relatively new, just five months, but it does often feel like it consumes my life. I’ve been searching and reading and pondering everything I can get my hands on and my emotions have been all over the map. When I see my husband at the end of the day I have to fight the desire to unload on him all of the things that I’ve learned, especially those that are particularly troubling.

On the other hand, I’m also starting to see the world with new eyes and better appreciate what I have. I feel like I’m actually using the intellect that God gave me to sort through things and to enhance my individual spiritual development rather than simply relying on whatever is being spewed from the pulpit on Sunday. In that sense, I feel that I am living more than I was before. I also have a new appreciation for my relationship with my husband and my children and realizing that I have the freedom and power to help my children understand that not everything taught at church may be right.

I hope I can continue to balance things out and that the period of intense information overload is behind me.

MayB

[MayB]

Thank you Ray. What I really need right now is somewhere safe to be able to discuss things. From what I’ve read here, this place seems incredibly supportive and the suggestions are thoughtful and done with the right spirit. I just finished reading the thread on garments as well as the article on BCC. Just knowing that others feel the same way is an incredible comfort.

MayB

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