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I sent her the “thank you for being respectful” text recommend by lookinghard. I also forgot to say I did detail all the values I still retain and my activity with the church. (How often I go to church, tithing, word of wisdom, chasity, etc) Before I just told her about my faith crisis and my disbelief in broad terms. She did communicated that she wants to know details and I told her last night. Thank you for all the feedback. I’m glad it seems that I have the right mind set and doing the right thing. As the night went on after my post I felt better about what I did and how I’m handling the situation. I was scared to go back into dating because in the past I’ve been really hard on myself and experience some epic heart breaks. I think my emotional plate is bigger this time around so I think I’ll handle heartbreak better. But for right now I’m just going to enjoy the moments we have together.
I’ve done non LDS sites and I haven’t found that to be true sadly. Also being in Colorado there isn’t really heterodox Mormons here because there isn’t a lot of Mormons here in the first place. I’m trying to stay open to it but my results are always falling flat. Thank you, everybody, for your feedback. I appreciate that some of you challenged my thoughts. I’m glad this community isn’t an echo chamber. I think my struggle with this is I feel like I am putting an “A” on myself walking around a 1600 Puritan town. (See The Scarlet Letter). If I do this, why can’t somebody who watched porn three months ago put it on their profile?
I’m also worried my family will find out. I’ve seen a lot of women who I know personally, and hopefully, the gossip won’t reach them until I am ready.
BUTI decided just to do it and see what happens. Make it a social experiment. If things get a bit overwhelming, I can pull back. I put on the bottom of my profile “Heterodox Mormon. If you want to know more ask! : ) “
I know it’s going to be rough. I’ve always bumped into those women who are militant about people who have a different perspective, but I can just choose to walk away from them. I mean it’s online dating! Just block them.
I wasn’t doing anything wrong, but at the same time, I need be emotionally honest about the situation. You guys are right. 80% of the women want their checklist, and it would be easier for both parties if I just let them know before hand. It stings to see somebody you match up with the block you right away, but if anything this should help my emotional plate get bigger and grow some tougher skin.
If my family finds out, then it’s ok. It’s forcing a situation that I would happen anyway. I’m 99% sure my family won’t disowned me, but I 99% sure that our relationship will change. Hopefully for the better.
Life isn’t fair. My whole faith crisis was completely shitty and painful. But I will play with the cards I was dealt with. I’m taking 100% responsibility for my faith crisis and my heterodox beliefs. I think this will make me a better person by being open about to others and hopefully, it’s a reminder to some that they are not alone.
Heber13 wrote:
I also think it helps, that while you are careful still, that you also reiterate positive, common ground beliefs. The focus doesn’t need to be on orthodox or unorthodox, in many ways it doesn’t matter if you’re there to help serve, love, and support your leaders as the ward builds zion up among the members in that area.MAN. I love this advice so much. I will for sure focus on that. Thank you so much!
Minyan Man wrote:mczee, I’m always interested, in cases like this, who did you decide to tell? & why did you pick them?
I am a firm believer that it is important to carefully pick who you confide with.
What was their response?
Was it positive?
I think one person was leading up to their unorthodox ways (dating outside of the chuch). The second one was that we were both being vulnerable so I decided to take a leap. I kind of went off my gut reaction.
I feel you. Same dilemma with being single and LDS and being a unorthodox. I’ve talk to three potential LDS girls about my position and they all respectful left. I think at some level I left them something to think about. That’s always been comforting for me. Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
I remember my Utah grandpa (He would of been mid 90ish by now) literally went to friend to engagement with his wife. Some other guy ask for her hand in marriage earlier that day too! It wasn’t rare to have a middle ground in those days. Even in Mormon standards that never happens. Culturally you can’t do that anymore. There are steps to this now. You would be so out of touch if you did that.
I remember when my multi millionaire CEO Bishop flip out when he heard about “no hanging out”. He loved it. Now he has the ammunition to use against us. He would rant in sacrament meeting on how we weren’t doing the work of the lord. He would give RMs a dead line when to be married. He told every RM it’s their “priesthood duty” to go on a date once a week. If they weren’t, they were failing their priesthood responsibility. If the marriage wasn’t happening it was the guys fault and never the women.
Obviously in hindsight it’s no ones fault. It’s just how it is.
1. It’s about control. I’m not saying control is a bad thing but when it’s a 100 times hardier to question the church if your marriage identity is the temple. The long short of it, they want to keep people in church. 2. If temple marriage and having children is the way to get to the highest form of heaven, why would you delay that? Marriage is integral to the plan of salvation.
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1. I knew some people would say this. Why not just say it and get out of the way? I think Mormon’s have some assumptions about dating and temple marriage is one of them. At any rate I figure it would be at least good practice because I’m sure I’ll be doing this hundred times over. 2. Yes, she went on a mission. I did get that sense with her email that some how no temple marriage equals divorce. Obviously her parent’s divorce is supporting this belief system. It’s one of those illogical things most people have where people think divorce is the problem rather a solution to a problem. In a lot of cases the marriage before the divorce is the problem. I did remember one of your conversation she said divorce is her biggest fear in her life. Makes sense.
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Minyan Man wrote:mczee said:
Quote:I told this story before on here. Long story short I told my branch president about my faith transition into a non literal believer and told him how I still love being part of the church and how I still wanted to marry a LDS girl. He basically told me I was no longer a temple worthy and I could not let me in good conscious let me go to the temple. Knowing this my heart sunk knowing that I would be rejected by most LDS girls. (Thanks to you guys I know it’s still possible and I just need to be open and honest)
So that got me thinking over the last couple of months. We often say here we need to establish boundaries for the church. Let’s reverse it that idea. Where are the churches boundaries? Are we entitle to breach these boundaries?
Before I give you my answer, I would like to know:
– Why did you feel compelled to tell your BP this?
– What did you except he would say?
– How long has it been since this conversation?
– Has he discussed it since?
If you’ve already answered somewhere else, give me the link.
I’ve tried looking through other posts & can’t find the answers.
You can find the forum here:
Just talk to my YSA branch president about my unbelief…
http://forum.staylds.com/viewtopic.php?t=6975 Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
I added this to the OP because I thought it was critical to the discussion: The church (specifically authority) has a certain set of values. Marriage, rituals, “traditional” families, etc.
If I don’t agree to conform to these values (i.e. The traditional family via LGBT practice) then I would be breaching boundaries. However, it wouldn’t make sense that I would breach a institution’s values. We are just not compatibly.
In summary crossing boundaries in its simplest form is when two conflicting values come together. Boundaries are set to keep conflicting values. If this happens we are just not compatible.
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I’m still working on my dating/social anxiety but judging how I’ve done over the last month I’m doing much better. I don’t know about the lack of good men problem. Sure it’s a problem but not THE problem. I won’t get into it but I guess I’m more cynical about women than I should be. Being dump and rejected does that to a person. I’m working on that slowly but surely.
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Thankfully I’ve been resistant to loneliness over the last couple of months. More so than I ever had. I think focusing on my values has really mitigated that feeling a lot. For example I went up two unofficial LDS parties over the weekend just focusing on expressing myself and having self respect. I was talking to two attractive ladies last night and I could tell they weren’t interested in the conversation (even if it was focused on them). Right in the middle of me talking to them one grab the other and started to whisper something. After they stop they said it wasn’t about me but I still felt like it was rude and very gossipy. It made me feel like crap that they weren’t focus on our shared experience. I look at them for a second to gather my thoughts and politely said that I’ll talk to them later and walk away. I went up to a couple of other girls that I wasn’t attracted to but we a much better conversation. I much rather have the latter than the former.
I practiced the value of self respect and mutual respect. I didn’t get any phone numbers. I didn’t get any girls to like me. But I did win because I stuck to my values and learn how to use them more. So all and all the night was a big win for me.
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Nothing huge going on. At any social situation I’m working on reprioritizing my values from trying impressing people to being honest, listening, having self expression and just being a jovial person. I did had a moment of “oh crap, Mormons are desperate” when a girl from my ward wanted me to go on a double date. She was going to ask out a guy she really like but she was afraid it was going to be awkward. So later she ask me who I was asking via text. I told her I was going to ask the new girl in the branch and she told me not to because it was too hard to get to know two new people at the same time. Then she told me to ask out her best friend. I said I didn’t really wanted to and later I found out her best friend was already invited to the double date as my date without my knowledge AND she was in on our text conversation! She was hoping some how I was going to ask her best friend so she didn’t had to. This double date was about her getting with this guy. I broke it off.
I felt used and manipulated and it reminded me how straight forward and vulnerable you need to be even on simple fun dates. Dating isn’t about getting the guy or girl, it’s about how you grow emotionally by putting yourself in the fire. Everything else is a bonus.
Last note on the situation, the girl setting up on the double date first value is temple (she told me that awhile back). The guy she wanted to ask out isn’t even Mormon. (face slap) I don’t know what she is expecting out of this.
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