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mom3 wrote:
I am not sending any advice tonight, just hugs. Please know you are still very valuable to God.
Thank you. No advice needed (but very much welcome and wanted). I just need to be heard and be understood.
Thanks everybody. I posted the “my husband doesn’t believe” article on Facebook. I love it and I learn a lot from it. I never really thought about the preparation of celestial eternal life outside of Mormon belief system. It’s funny how some Mormons get really tied to the superficial elements of the temple and forget those core principles that you can learn from experience. It’s the yacht club of emotional euphoria that people get from the temple they love, not the principles along the way that they can learn and apply to their fellow man.
Anyways, I’m probably being a too judgmental. It’s just something that gets under my skin. I don’t have much patience for people show a little mercy to those going through a faith transition. I don’t have my endowments so I might be speaking too soon. I’m debating if I should go down that road just to see what happens to me spiritually/emotionally.
Thank you everybody again. Here’s a little update and what I think I’ll do: First of all I want to make sure I’m proactively moving forward where ever this go. Meaning, that I need to stop sitting in my room and living in my head. Instead I need to for a lack of a better word “pray with my feet”. Work on my calling. Have open conversations about my issues with people (including here). Dating within and not within the church (but still stick to LDS standards). I also want to go to different churches and see what that is like. The key for me is to stay out of my head and actually DO things. Keep myself busy and put myself in places where opportunities rises.
Second, I’ve mention this before but I mention it again. I’m going to stop identifying myself with faith crisis. I do fall in this pit where I think this faith crisis is EVERYTHING and being Mormon is EVERYTHING and I have to figure out EVERYTHING. I can’t live my life until I figure out EVERYTHING. This is unhealthy thinking. I need to focus on other facets in my life like my business, social life, physical health and my hobbies. Spread out my identity a bit so I don’t go crazy if things fall apart.
This kind of wraps my two approve ideas but I just need to have faith that everything will be ok no matter what direction I want to take. If there is a loving god and I have good intentions and work hard he will naturally guide me in the right direction.
Instead of worrying, I choose to believe that everything will be ok.
The video has been out for awhile online. I just can’t find it. I remember r/exmormon was flipping out about this months ago. Thank you for posting this. I was about to lose it during our meeting but luckily I bit my tongue because I was very emotional about it. Our branch president counselor was teaching this and he had children who has left the church. He even said he that he wish he tried hardier in teaching his children about the gospel better. I could tell it was really painful for him and the guy is amazing individual and very strong in the church. I wrote a long email him about how I disagree with Bednar’s message and how he shouldn’t feel guilty about it. I even sent the link over to let him know how hurtful his message was. For once, I would want to a GA own up to their mistakes. Like the blog mention, I’m sure he had good intention but his message is still hurtful and damaging. I doubt it will happen, from what I understand and heard, Bednar thinks very highly of himself and his teachings.
First before I get started, you guys are all amazing. I’m really blown away with your responses. It means a ton that everybody took the time to understand me. I’m just awe struck. Also, I wrote this dilemma about a week ago and try to post it on another LDS forum but moderators never approve of it. I was emotionally wreck and probably wasn’t clear in a lot of things. I had a nice inspiration (revaluation?) that my faith crisis is seperate from my identity. There is more to life than this situation I’m in and everything will be ok. This happens a lot. I often go into freak out mode then there are a lot of times I’m at peace with everything. So with that in mind, I still posted here.
Right now I feel mostly ok but we had a really bad combine relief society and elders quorum activity showing the “breaking the cycle” video that Bednar did. I’m looking for it right now, but it’s basically Bednar saying the reason why people leave the church is parents aren’t teaching about gospel principles as much as they should be. I almost spoke up on how stupid it is to judge your self worth over if your kids leave the church or not the problem is not that simple that Bednar is putting it. I felt horribly because one of the councilors branch presidency had his own kids leave the church and he talk about his regrets not teaching them enough! That’s horrible and too much of a thing to put on yourself. It drove me up the wall but I decided to let things sit and talk to my branch presidency later when my emotions go away. This narrative isn’t what TBM need to hear.
Quote:What would you say are the the reasons you have stayed going to church all these years? Has anything changed for you about it?
I guess I should clarify the 10 year period. Like I said, I was in a emotional wreck and haven’t explain myself well. I think for the most of it, I just put things on the shelf and I did believe. I had my big doubts for sure. I went through ups and downs but I mostly believe the church was great and mostly true. With these doubts, I never really committed myself to the church in the way that they want me to (ie endowments, mission, and just being casual about non saving ordinances)
Things started to hit really hard last year. The biggest trigger was being dump from my girlfriend last year. Even if it wasn’t church related, I just freak out and started to ask if it’s all worth it. Ya, I know it’s weird and irrational but it just happen. I think the reason why my testimony and being dump is correlated is the fear of being alone. I was 30 and I was about to be kick out YSA (luckily I’m still here, I was told I was going to be kick out of after my endowments ha!) Then I had the Revelation that “I will never know”. Then I recovered a little bit but the big trigger that led me to this point was studying psychology and how artificial spiritual experiences can be. That’s why it’s change.
Alright to answer your question why I stay is because over the last 10 years is because family pressures, having a shelf sustaining my doubts, social life was great, I do enjoy a lot of church, and I agree with 90% of church principles.
Quote:I’m just curious why you think it is not sustainable if you have been doing it for years.
I think the reason why I don’t feel like it’s sustainable is because of marriage. Obviously marrying in the church with my level of commitment and beliefs is a HUGE problem with most TBM sisters. I don’t want to my children to feel the pressure to go on Missions. I don’t want them to feel like they are being force into seminary (I hated seminary). Boyscouts is a choice, not a reflection of your spiritual growth. I have no problem being married to a TBM spouse. In fact, I prefer it because of the values, shared experiences and expectations. Heck, I’ll be willing to get my endowments and marry in the temple. Marriage ceremonies isn’t a big deal for me. but as most of you can see it’s already a problem. Most TBM spouses wouldn’t compromise anything above. It’s all or nothing. There is no room for freedom in the this church to be a member who isn’t ready for those commitments.
Leaving the church is just hard because just how big of impact will have on my family. Yes, I know, It’s my life but it doesn’t make it easier. Just finding a spouse with same value set will be VERY hard. In fact, from my experiences, dating outside of the church is 100 times hardier than inside. I can’t tell how online dating is way easier on a lds website and a non lds dating website. That’s probably because lds women out number lds men buy a ton. The good news is that there is just endless amount of non lds women out there. It’s not impossible but it will be MUCH hardier getting dates. Marrying someone who isn’t LDS and is ok with me associated with LDS church will be rough too.
Quote:I can relate to much of what you have said, especially about the spirit and the mind – I don’t trust my feelings, either. I usually say take it slow, don’t dump all at once, and focus on what you do believe.
Thank you for the advice. I’ve learn slowly that I just need to let things sit. I often think I need to figure things out ASAP but that’s not true. It’s really unhealthy for me to think that way. It’s also funny how often I focus on my confusion rather focus on things that are clear to me.
Quote:First, can you rely on your own human weakness to help you stay for the long term in some capacity?
I’ll need to think about this. Thank you. That was a insightful question.
Quote:Just remember that it isn’t all true or all false. Sustaining going to church if you believe absolutely none of it seems like that would be impossible.
Eck, Thank you for this. I keep reminding myself this. I think it’s been stuck in my brain because of Hinkley’s quote on “true or fraud” and that isn’t healthy way to approach any ideal.
Quote:Which church values do you have that you think other people won’t share that could impact dating?
Drinking is probably the biggest one. I have a hard to accepting that it’s ok even on a casual level. I don’t know if it’s a deal breaker at this point because I feel like I’m being to harsh on people. I just see no value in it what so ever.
Sex is another one, but being a 31 year old virgin I’m about to go insane not having it. I can’ tell how how much of this occupies my head and often i have to fight against it. So knowing me, I’ll just give in. I’m sure I won’t give in at a certain point (ie dropping the L word first or getting close to engagement). I would never take sex casually.
Quote:Don’t give up on finding a someone to connect with, it may be a bit trickier, but maybe not.
That was amazing. Thank you so much. I might need to print this out to remind myself just put myself out there. Keep trying. LDS and Non-LDS. There is somebody who is ok with me (and the other way around).
Again, you’re all amazing. I’m still blown away by the support. This has help a ton. I’ll keep everybody posted in my journey. Thank you. I look forward to more responses and hopefully I can bring some value to this community.
