[mfree6464]

nibbler wrote:

Where I feel we need help is with the belief that being more obedient will earn us our desired blessing. Should the blessing not come, the default position becomes, “we must not have been obedient enough.” I hear a variant of this most Sundays.

I think this stems from D&C 130: 20-21 … “There is a law, irrevocably decreed in heaven before the foundations of this world, upon which all blessings are predicated— And when we obtain any blessing from God, it is by obedience to that law upon which it is predicated.”

That scripture gets referenced back to a lot. There is an old talk by RMN titled A Study in Obedience where he references that scripture and elaborates: “In other words, whenever a blessing is received, it’s because a law has been obeyed. And that means it will always work—not just most of the time, not just some of the time, but every single time without exception.”

I think the scripture above gives believers the illusion of control. For example, if I want to be blessed with peace or a spouse or a new job or a family or health or a stronger testimony, etc, etc all I need to do is obey the correct commandment and, according to the law that has been irrevocably decreed in heaven, I will (must) receive my desired blessing.

[mfree6464]

SilentDawning wrote:

BTW, I don’t see the Ponzi scheme analogy hanging here — a Ponzi scheme is where one person invests money for a return. The manager of the scheme uses the money from secondary investors to pay the return to the first set of investors, and so on. In this case, I don’t see people putting in effort and getting rewards from the sacrifice of people who join later in the game.

You’re right. That is what Ponzi schemes are all about and that really doesn’t apply to my analogy at all. I like how you referred to it as Empty Piggy Bank Syndrome. I’ll go with that from now on. :thumbup:

SilentDawning wrote:

I will say the analogy holds if you, as an investor in the Ponzi scheme, go to the fund manager and ask for your principal back, or at least, a hefty amount of it back now. The fund manager comes up short or keeps putting it off until you have no faith you invested your money wisely.

This is exactly why I mentioned the Ponzi scheme idea. You never hear about a Ponzi scheme while it is working (ie. when people are getting their returns from newer investors.) Problems arise when later investors try to cash out and find that their “piggy banks” are now empty. That was my experience. I approached the fund manager (God), tried to make a withdrawal and got nothing after being assured for many years that my bank was full. I felt scammed. It felt like a Ponzi to me even though it was not.

[mfree6464]

nibbler wrote:

…a part of Jesus’ journey included him uttering the words, “My God, my God, why hast thou forsaken me?” Even Jesus felt abandoned and alone at points along his journey…

I’ve thought a lot lately about the fact that Jesus was left alone for a time and seemingly saddened (or at least affected in some way) by it as well. I believe that I have learned more in the past three years than I learned in the previous 30+ years from church, seminary, BYU, general conferences, leaders, bishops, apostles and prophets. It seems that life is doing a much more effective job at teaching me about God (and being a better person in general) than church ever did.

I think the confusion I mentioned in my original post stems more from the dissonance I am experiencing between the things I am now learning about God and the things I once “knew” about Him previously.

[mfree6464]

When speaking of all the recent church changes in his December 2018 Ensign article, Jeffrey R Holand said the following:

Quote:

As our ninth article of faith declares, “We believe all that God has revealed”—that’s often the easy part. It takes a special kind of faith to “believe that He will yet reveal many great and important things pertaining to the Kingdom,” and then to be ready to accept them, whatever they are.

[mfree6464]

squarepeg wrote:

We can’t define “testimony” as “granting the possibility of truth” or “hoping that something is true,” can we?

I think the answer to the OP as quoted above is, yes. Here is my thinking:

I don’t believe members of the church are required to “know”, we are required to have faith. The first principle of the gospel is Faith (not testimony or knowledge). The definitions you give above (‘granting possibility of truth’ and ‘hoping that something is true’) sound like wonderful descriptions of faith, which should be enough, right?

So I guess the real question for me is this: Is “testimony” an elevated requirement above and beyond that of “faith” or are they synonymous?

[mfree6464]

SilentDawning wrote:

If you make a choice to sin, thinking you are sinning, and then find it isn’t a sin, is it still a sin?

That is the question. Interestingly, if the answer to that question is YES then that brings a new set of consequences into play. Example:

Say someone is placed on an island at birth, completely isolated with enough food to survive on his own for 80 years. He would never hear of God and his commandments nor would he learn of man’s laws. Say he came to the conclusion on his own as a young man that chopping down trees was murder. Then at 40 he grew tired of searching for fallen firewood and climbing palms for coconuts so he just chopped down trees for the rest of his life, all the while feeling terrible guilt that he was committing murder. At death he felt tremendous fear at the thought of meeting his maker and being held accountable for his great sins. Would God hold him accountable the same as he would say Hitler or any serial killer?

[mfree6464]

DarkJedi wrote:

It doesn’t matter what each of them did.

I likely would have disputed this a few years ago but now I strongly agree with you. It’s just what life has taught me recently and I really can’t deny that at this point.

DarkJedi wrote:

The thread title really sums it up. Men want to make it much more complicated than it really is.

I intentionally made the title a little click-baitish, sorry about that . I recognize that it doesn’t even necessarily have to be a God vs man law thing. How about this:

Recognizing that God’s law changes (Law of Moses, Word of Wisdom, Polygamy, to name a few examples) it’s fair to say that in the hereafter we may be existing with individuals who all lived under various sets of commandments. Let’s extend that and hypothetically say that God commanded North American saints to live the Word of Wisdom but never put the saints in Bermuda under the same command. Twin A was living in Bermuda at the time God gave this commandment but somehow he missed the memo that he was exempt. Twin B calls up twin A and says, “Hey God just commanded us to quit drinking but I don’t wanna!” Wanting to stay together they both drink on, both believing they are in violation of God’s will.

Same question: Are they both in the same place spiritually?

[mfree6464]

SamBee wrote:

If you have education it is far easier to produce work of this nature. The Book of Mormon, despite its detractors, includes literary forms and structure, and a large number of characters. Many professional novelists have to do a huge amount of planning to produce something considerably less complex.

Which brings me back to my original post and question: If it wasn’t an uneducated JS then whom? How did someone born in the wilds of pre-Columbian North America write it?

[mfree6464]

I think that whether service is or is not free labor is really up to the one serving. I have a really hard time helping people save a few hundred bucks on movers when they just spent $200k, $300k, $400k or more on a new home. For me, in that scenario, I am free labor and I am reticent to “serve.”

We live along the southern coast and every few years a hurricane will strike and the PH bodies will organize and spend weekends on the road cleaning houses, cutting trees, removing debris, etc. I love this sort of service but one wrinkle for me is that I have pretty severe social anxiety and the idea of spending the night with a bunch of dudes from the ward is really a nightmare for me socially. I feel guilty about missing those opportunities to help because of my own shortcomings whereas I don’t feel guilty about not helping a family move into a newly purchased home.

When I was executive secretary I was privy to a lot of the sufferings of ward members. I would regularly come home, share with my wife (when appropriate) and come up with ways to help those individuals. We did this on our own without mentioning a thing to the Bishop. We were doing well financially at the time and considered that a blessing we wanted to share with others so we helped give Christmases to families anonymously, helped pay legal fees for families struggling in some unfortunate circumstances, helped defray funeral expenses for some, etc. I loved helping out and sharing with others what I felt had been a blessing to me and my family. For me, in my mind, that was true service and not free labor. Though I recognize someone else might see things completely opposite from me and act in a completely different way and that’s totally fine.

I think service vs free labor is in the eye of the beholder.

[mfree6464]

I am reminded of an experience I had a couple months ago when visiting the Holocaust Museum in Washington DC. As I read the words written by survivors I found myself struck with hopelessness. As I have written about on these forums, I am currently going through a number of challenges in my life the likes of which I have never before experienced (personal, professional and spiritual.) I think that I mostly attributed the charmed life I lived previously to righteousness and adherence to gospel principles. So when the life I knew began to unexpectedly crumble around me on all sides (and continues to do so) it really rocked my spiritual perspective. I pray daily for His mercy and continue to keep the faith until there is nothing more to have faith in.

The hopelessness I mentioned above came from the realization that the Jewish people were much like me. They are an incredibly faithful people – I identified with them standing there in that museum. How many millions of prayers were sent up to the heavens, pleading with God for mercy, pleading for reward of a good-life lived as these people were marched into gas chambers by absolute monsters? How many parents, as their children were ripped from their arms, told God they would do ANYTHING if he would but spare them this most awful, unspeakable and truly unbearable fate? I think these individuals could well relate to a heaven blocked with brass barriers. When it dawned on me that none of these estimated 6 million individuals had their prayers answered I realized that I most likely was going to suffer immensely myself, with little reprieve or intervention from the God I have loved, worshiped and largely dedicated my life to. It was a lonely, hopeless and terrifying feeling that still persists.

[mfree6464]

dande48 wrote:

Mcfree, it sounds like what hurts the most wasn’t the past sexual transgressions of your spouse, so much as the dishonesty about it.

I think you are close. I would say “the dishonesty caused the hurt” is a more accurate description. I’m not upset about the dishonesty itself. If I were, I would also likely be upset at my wife for lying. I am not. The dishonesty however, caused me to falsely embrace something for 14 years. When the truth came out, it all came undone in a matter seconds. Had she told me when we were dating it would have been hard, but I would have eventually made it part of our story. I’ll still need to do that in time, but I need to undo 14 years of thinking before I get there.

dande48 wrote:

Which brings up a question I’ve been thinking of a lot lately: Suppose the cat was never let out of the bag. Imagine one spouse had a “sexual history outside of marriage” that they never told their spouse about. Or imagine the prophet was a pedophile, and no one ever found out. Or imagine any other deep dark secrets harbored by people we trust and look up to, that will never come to light. Is it better to maintain a lie, if people are happier and more at peace for believing that lie, than to bring the truth to light, and destroy that peace and happiness? Is it justified, if people gain more from the lie, than they would from the truth?

I am glad I know. It’s why I asked years ago when we were dating and why I asked again 2.5 years ago seeking confirmation. It was important for me to know the truth. I never find my self saying “Man, I never should have asked that question.” In spite of the pain, it’s the truth and will ultimately allow me to love my wife fully for who she truly is. Suffering helps us grow. Denying someone the truth because you don’t want to cause pain is denying them an opportunity to change for the better, IMO.

[mfree6464]

Side question: Is the whole “licked cupcake” analogy still at thing? I have no idea how old the people I am chatting with on here are but the first time I ever heard that term was on this message board – and I’m almost 40. Is it generational? Is it something that is generally taught only to the young women? Is it perhaps regional, maybe a Utah thing? (I grew up in the SF Bay Area.)

I understand what the lesson is trying to communicate but wow, considering the subject matter, talking about licked cupcakes during a chastity lesson to teenagers seems very inappropriate.

[mfree6464]

Nibbler,

Thanks for your thoughtful responses. I’m sorry you went through (and continue to go through) the pain and difficulty of having an emotionally abusive parent. I’ve not been through anything like that but I do know what it’s like to hurt. I hope you continue to find support and ways to heal as you go through life. Here are my answers to the questions you asked me:

nibbler wrote:

Could a part of the issue be a sense of injustice you feel when you compare your sacrifice to remain pure with someone else’s indiscretions?

At this point in the process, yes. But that is more a part of my journey with faith and understanding how life works. It has very little to do with the grief I experience. The grief comes from changing a way of thinking that was very comforting to me for 14 years. But I would be lying if I said I felt no injustice over the issue.

nibbler wrote:

Do you feel like things would be fairer if you were on more equal footing with your spouse? Like if you were to do it over again you would have premarital sexual relations with people you refrained from having premarital sexual relations so you could gain those experiences

I absolutely do feel this way. I think I lack some of the life experience that my wife has. At this point, I see very little benefit to making such good choices in my youth. As I mentioned earlier, life is hammering me down in spite of those good choices.

nibbler wrote:

or what sounds like the preferred outcome, rewind the clock and find a spouse that has made similar sacrifices as you made

100% incorrect. No part of me wants another spouse and I have not felt that at any point. Can’t imagine anyone better suited for me than the one I have.

nibbler wrote:

If your spouse disclosed their full sexual history before you married them, would you break off relations and find someone else, or would you stick things out and appreciate the honesty? What if the disclosure came after getting engaged but before marriage? Or between going steady and becoming engaged?

I decided long before I met my wife that any previous sexual history would not be a game-changer for me. I know I would have stayed with her regardless of her response. Again, the grief comes from being told “You’re my first and only” and then having that ripped away after more than a decade. It’s brutally painful. I don’t blame her for lying about it, I completely understand why she did. Doesn’t make it hurt any less though.

nibbler wrote:

I see at least two angles from which to address things. 1) Forgive. 2) Process the pain. I think we can find ways to do #1 but I’ve found #2 to be much. much harder.

I couldn’t agree more. The whole reason I started posting here was to seek out ways to process the pain. It’s not easy. I had no idea how to handle so much hurt. I’m still figuring it out.

[mfree6464]

Roy, thank you for the well wishes. It’s good to be back chatting with you all and it’s also nice to have a couple years of perspective behind me on the issue as well. Like Roadrunner, I’d like to offer a couple counter points and also agree with you on something as well.

First, I think many consequences of sin are permanent, or at least very long lasting. I think that is by design. Death, disease, unwanted pregnancy are givens in terms of unchangeable consequence. Also, if I am dishonest in my dealings, I can repent and come clean to those I have deceived, but they may never trust me again. If I smoke and drink, the atonement won’t remove the tar from my lungs or the damage to my liver. If I commit adultery I can guarantee you my wife will never feel the same towards me ever again, and I might lose my marriage to her entirely. I could also possibly destroy another marriage in the process of committing the adultery. I’ve had money, bikes, stereos, etc stolen from me. It causes you to change your behavior – to lock doors and trust less. Similarly, no amount of repentance will ever make me my wife’s first sexual partner. It will never change the fact that there is a dude out there who at any time can call up to memory very physically intimate moments with my wife. The atonement repairs the soul and makes it whole, but it does not undo action. If it did then we could truly act with impunity because any action and consequence could be completely undone. There would be no suffering. There would be no real accountability and probably little to no personal growth for all of us.

I’m not sure where in my writings you are getting the idea that I consider my wife a second class citizen because of her actions. Maybe you were just saying that generally and meant it as a precaution for people like me to avoid? I hope I’ve made it clear that I love my wife so very dearly. She is my world. I believe at this point in our lives she is the more worthy of the two of us. Certainly she is more faithful. I actually envy her experience. I often find myself wondering how she REALLY feels about it. I wonder what is it like to have been with someone else outside of marriage? Why did she choose to come back to the gospel? With my limited experience I can only speculate those things. I think her experience has made her stronger and wiser in that area. She is probably more well-equipped to counsel our children than I am on the matter. The only thing I have ever tried to express through posting here was grief and to seek out help for that grief for myself and hopefully others. I really don’t think any of my words have expressed anything remotely close to calling anyone a second class citizen. If they have, I apologize. Not my intent. Not trying to be confrontational here, just want to be sure I’m being understood correctly.

I completely agree with you that it would be terribly wrong for a young person (or anyone for that matter) to be branded as less-suitable in any way because of youthful mistakes. As I said, my feelings have evolved to a point where I kind of think those “youthful mistakes” don’t really matter. Are there consequences? Sure. But look around at all the adults in your life. Most of them were rebellious and probably have pretty scandalous upbringings by LDS standards. Maybe you were one of them Roy – if so, does it matter? I don’t think it does. I’ve received many pms from people who are bishops, were APs on their mission, current seminary teachers, etc who have CRAZY backgrounds that they detailed to me in private messages. People like myself and Roadrunner who did just about everything “right” in their youth were the exception, not the rule. The world doesn’t necessarily come crashing down from our mistakes. Nobody becomes a second class citizen, we all end up in basically the same place. Suffering befalls us all, youthful mistakes or not. It’s part of life I am learning now. God is coming at me guns blazing right now from just about every angle and I am learning many lessons the hard way in spite of my faithful youth.

As for my counseling, I was never diagnosed with anything. Autism never came up and of the little I know about it I don’t seem to fit the mold. From what I understand it’s more of a social disorder. When viewed as a spectrum we probably all fall on it someplace so that’s a tough way to look at it. But I know that I am acutely aware of social interaction and social nuance, more than my wife in fact. I think autistic individuals are mostly clueless when it comes to social nuance but I could be wrong about that. I will say though, that in my research of people who suffer similarly to me is that one commonality is OCD. While I don’t feel I suffer from that completely, I do think I have some mild tendencies in that regard which does make sense as I could certainly be classified as obsessing over this issue.

As sort of a disclaimer I want to make sure everyone who reads my story recognizes that I am sharing opinions, not facts. My feelings have evolved over the past two years and I presume they will continue to change over time. I might be singing a completely different tune 6 months from now. God may answer my prayer in some unexpected way, restoring my faith and altering my perspective on the issue once again. I am open and certainly hopeful for that.

Again, I appreciate the well wishes and welcome with open arms the healthy debate and discussion. It’s helpful to me to put my thoughts down and express them in writing. It’s also therapeutic to consider other people’s opinions and input so thank you for that.

[mfree6464]

Hello whatnow,

I’m so sorry to hear you are suffering. I know the pain and hope that you have at least found some comfort knowing there are others out there who are in a similar situation. If you need to talk or ask me something privately feel free to send me a pm. Several people reached out to me in this way when I started this thread and it was so nice to be able to “talk” with someone about such a deeply personal subject. The very first emotion I felt on this journey was loneliness because I knew that there was nobody I could turn to. I don’t want to air my precious wife’s dirty laundry to anyone (especially when it’s all been done and repented of for over 20 years.) Not a bishop, family member, close friend … nobody needs to know those things about my wife’s past. There was really no one to turn to and it was a very lonely and terribly sad time. It was so nice to have a venue like this where we all could speak candidly with each other about deeply personal subjects thanks to the anonymous nature of the forum.

I guess I’ll start by quickly answering your questions and then elaborate further below.

1) No the pain still has not gone away. It has lessened but it is still significant.

2) I still think about it daily. I don’t think a day has gone by that I have not thought about it at least a few times, but I think about it less than I used to.

3) I am still learning how to cope, that is a work in progress.

Every situation is so unique. I mentioned in one of my earlier posts that I don’t think I could have gotten through this were it not for my wife and the support and strength that comes from being in a wonderful marriage like ours. whatnow, it sounds like your marriage has some external issues that need some attention. I completely understand your suffering as it relates to my post, but I’m not really qualified to speak on dealing with some of the other issues you have mentioned. I’m certain they are compounding your suffering and I am sorry you have to go through that.

Life really can be a nightmare at times. It turns out that this issue that came up in January 2016 with my wife was just the first in a series of life-altering challenges God has seen fit to put me through. I turn 40 this year and really the first 37 years of my life were blissfully pain-free. God has decided it’s time to lay it on thick for me and it has been difficult to say the least. I don’t want a pity party, I only offer the following details of my life as my backstory to help people better understand my current condition which I will outline here.

– January 2016 – wife tells me full truth about her sexual past

– June 2016 – my parents sat me down and told me they are getting divorced. Apparently my dad has been addicted to porn his entire life (I had absolutely no clue) and it all came crashing down. I was completely shocked but feel that as a grown man I was able to handle that well (my wife disagrees and feels that it affects me in ways I am unaware that she can see)

– fall of 2016 – begin to question the LDS church and for the first time in my life I feel my testimony begin to falter

– fall of 2017 – a business-related legal issue threatens to take everything I have ever earned (issue is still unresolved and continues to this day)

So within 18 months I lost something most precious with my wife, lost the relationship I once knew with my parents (because now all they do is bad mouth the other when I see them making time with them miserable), lost my faith, may lose every physical and financial item I own. Again, I do not want a pity party. I still have all of my loved ones in my life and I continue to thank God for that daily. I truly am sorry for anyone who has suffered the ultimate loss of a loved one. I can’t imagine. I will survive this.

After my final post in February 2016 I continued to fall as the months went by. Prayer did nothing. I cried regularly when I was alone. I began to feel such hopelessness. I was not having any crisis of faith when this began (see my final post from 2/16) but found myself at this point (fall of 2016) wondering why God was leaving me to suffer so tremendously. Ultimately I came to the conclusion that I, with my limited understanding of things, will never in this life fully understand why God does what he does. Just because it doesn’t make sense does not mean the church is untrue. So the focus of my prayers, for the first time in my life, turned to asking God if the LDS church was true. For me, my testimony was always based on the fact that it worked. Follow the principles, live the doctrine and it works. That was my experience … until finally it didn’t work the way I was taught it should. I then began to plead with God to tell me the LDS church was true. If he would just tell me that then I could accept ANYTHING about the Gospel because who am I to question the infinite wisdom of God? Well, the answer never came and still has not. I dove into the scriptures, prayed, fasted, you name it and I did it. Still no answer. I literally felt nothing – complete emptiness. So I continue to wait. I continue to pray, but my faith in the LDS church being God’s one and only true church has taken a major hit since January 2016.

As my testimony faded, I noticed that my perspective on the issue with my wife was changing. It still hurts and at times it hurts deeply. Just this Sunday at church I had tears well up as the discussion in Sunday school briefly turned to the struggles teenagers face. It’s still just very raw, even after more than two years. But I now wonder if the pain is coming more from a place of upbringing than a place of innate and eternal principle (nature vs nurture.) So many people in this world have multiple sexual partners and it is of absolutely no consequence to them. Why is it such a life altering issue for me? I find myself feeling foolish for being such a good kid. I feel like I was the stupid one and all the kids who said it doesn’t matter were right. I find myself now wishing I could go back and experiment more. I was a ridiculously good kid. Didn’t smoke, drink, swear, no porn or masturbation. I briefly dated a non-member who had done everything sexual with multiple partners by the age of 16 and I remember praying every night that God would change her heart and allow me to be an instrument in His hands to help save her. She never joined the church. She is married happily with two small children. She is living a life much like mine and maybe even happier than I am right now. When I look back on the past objectively I see all the kids from high school who messed around and experimented, all the family members, cousins, siblings, ward members, etc who did whatever they wanted as adolescents 20 years ago. Well, they are all like me now. They didn’t throw their lives away. They all have spouses and children, they aren’t drug and sex addicts. They didn’t all fall away from the church because of their actions. They weren’t lost into a mist of darkness. They aren’t yelling at me from a great and spacious building. It really, objectively looks like it doesn’t matter. The only reason I can see that it matters is because of people’s feelings. But people have issues. I have issues. Would my feelings be hurt were I raised in a secular home? I would guess probably not. I probably would have done much more than my wife did were I not raised in the church. 

It’s hard for me to give an accurate description on how I have dealt with my feelings regarding my wife’s past because life has happened to me in such a major way since then. I am a very focused and determined individual by nature. I don’t take on too many tasks but the things I do commit to I pursue relentlessly until I see them through. I think this has been part of my undoing with the issue involving my wife. I was so focused on trying to fix and figure out something that had no remedy. I was caught in an endless loop that led only to hopelessness and sorrow. That same quality has also blessed me with a great deal of success in business. I had quit working at the age of 36 (about 1 year before this all came out) and we were living off of passive income streams from my investments. I was effectively retired in my mid-thirties. Well, this is a double-edged sword because everyone wants to get their hands on a piece of the pie. So I find myself in the middle of ridiculous but quite serious legal battle that threatens to take everything I have ever earned. This has really preoccupied me as I have three children aged 9-13 that still need a lot of care and I can’t afford to lose it all right now. As terrible as this is, it has been somewhat of a blessing to have a reprieve and distraction from the issues involving my wife’s past. It has allowed me to get out of my own head a bit and that has been refreshing.

I would like to echo a couple points made my Roadrunner. I too disagree with the notion that once repented of, we no longer need to disclose sexual sin to our spouses. My wife was told this same thing at the time she repented and I believe it is part of why she lied to me about it. My view is that while the atonement can offer full and complete forgiveness, rendering us whole, complete and clean. It does NOT undo our actions. It does NOT take away consequences. Once shared with another, those first sexual experiences and explorations can no longer be shared with a spouse. If someone has saved themselves and wants that in return they have every right to seek that out in a prospective spouse. The only way to do so is to ask. Having that painful conversation and potentially losing a mate is one of the consequences that comes with choosing to fornicate. My wife does not remember the first time we had oral sex. Why? Because it wasn’t HER first time. She does however remember her first time, it just wasn’t with me. The first sexual experiences we have are incredibly impactful. I went to counseling for a few months over this issue and one of the things the counselor told me is that sex creates a bond. It’s automatic and part of the action. My wife tells me it meant and means nothing to her what she did those few times as a teen but the reality is that it made an impact and in some small way she will have a connection to that guy forever. He will forever be her first and they are bonded in a sexual way at some level. 

Also I agree with the counsel Roadrunner offered about exercise. I have really not stopped working out since the day I found everything out from my wife. The gym offers me a place where I can put on my headphones, listen to some music really loud and throw weight around. It feels really good to blow off steam. Take your frustrations out on the road by running or on the gym by lifting and do it until you can’t feel anything anymore. It will provide you temporary relief at the very least. When you push yourself to the limit, it takes everything you’ve got, physically and mentally. There won’t be room in your mind during those times for the negative, painful and sorrowful thoughts to creep in. It also is something you have complete control over. As I said earlier, one of the things that was particularly hard for me was that I couldn’t “fix” this. Having something I could completely control and work towards (like a goal to lift x amount of weight or run a certain time) really was a welcome distraction for me – especially in those early months.

Again, I am sorry you are going through this whatnow. It must be difficult having to see the woman your husband was with periodically at Stake conferences and such. I can somewhat relate but my pain is more self-imposed. The guy my wife was with is married to a woman who keeps very active on social media. She posts typical mom stuff showing off what their kids are doing, etc. But once I found her account I haven’t been able to stay away. It’s like looking at a train wreck. I know I shouldn’t look but I just can’t turn away, even though it causes me pain. I still, to this day, am in disbelief that there is this guy out there that I can see anytime I want who has had such physically intimate experiences with my wife. It’s immensely difficult.

I hope this post wasn’t too long and doesn’t sound self-absorbed. I haven’t posted in over 2 years and I wanted to provide an accurate image of where I am now and what’s happened since I was last active on this board. It’s my hope that someone else who might be suffering as I was will be able to find this conversation and know that they aren’t alone and they aren’t crazy for what they are feeling.

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