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church0333 wrote:
I have been thinking that something is so wrong. My friend said that while he was researching the essays on LDS.org he felt like he saw viewing porn and he wanted to hide it from his family. I have noticed the same thing in my life. Looking at something negative against the church even if it comes from official church sources seems like it needs to be done in secret. What is wrong with this picture? I have been opened with my wife but it took me almost a year before I felt comfortable with sites like StayLDS and NOM and I still try to be careful with mormonthink.
Church0333, think about other areas of your life where you have to evaluate things. Most people WANT to hear both sides of the story. They want the all of the information so they can make an informed decision. Why, oh why is it forbidden to apply the same good logic to the church?
I understand the hesitation one might feel in sharing the essays because of the impact that they might have, but I guess I feel like this is exactly the sort of information that someone in my (meaning someone that has legitimate issues with the church, but it desperately trying to reconcile them within myself) position should be able to share with any member of the church. These essays are, after all, on LDS.org. Plus, I feel like most people deserve to know the whole story. Sometimes when I look at things like gay marriage through the “We believe in obeying, honoring, and sustaining the law” lens then I just see huge, glaring, contradictions all over the place. For me, I think this is great news. My Facebook feed has been very interesting over the past few days. I get the stomachache every weekend, too. It takes all week to undo the stomach knots from those three hours and then it starts all over. Thank goodness for the holidays that have offered a short, but much needed, respite. Heber13 wrote:I should have mentioned Tolle. I loved his stuff and it was liberating for me. I love how he makes it seem we all write our stories, and that seemed to help me allow myself to reconstruct a view without so much negativity. Good call on that recommendation, HG!
With two votes for Tolle, I’ll definitely be adding him (her?) to my reading queue! Thank you!
hawkgrrrl wrote:I recommend reading Eckhart Tolle also. It will help you transcend some of the negativity.
Sounds great! Thanks for the recommendation, Hawkgrrrl! By the way, I loved your article on BCC. You really had me considering things I hadn’t considered before.
SilentDawning wrote:I think the value of StayLDS is in its tendency to let the “fatigue method” wear away at the cynicism. The fatigue method is a technique from psychology where people see a reduction in habits they would like to change, because they get sick and tired of the habit.
That is what happened to me here at StayLDS. I realized everyone got sick of hearing me rehash the same stories and concerns and negativity about the church over and over again. In fact, I got sick of hearing myself do it. So THAT is what encouraged me to move on.
That took some time, as my patient friends here will know. But I don’t rehash as much anymore.
Also, as I keep saying, I have found new pastures in which to grow and progress — in a non-profit in the community. I find that replacing the church with other worthwhile activities helps, while still maintaining some level of connectedness also helps you stop embroiling cynical thoughts.
Also, temper those thoughts with tolerance. There are a lot of people who love the church. Let them enjoy themselves, support them, and realize that everyone goes through phases. Some of the active people spouting off harmful cultural values will likely not be active at some point in their mortal life, and may even leave the church. And the people who are negative and uncommitted may well be active at some point the future. Realize its a revolving wheel of actors.
This helps me feel less frustration and negativity.
And bring a good book on your hand held device to church. Three hours a week to devote to reading in companionable solitude is a goldmine that compensates for the time invested in driving to church
SD, I really enjoyed reading your comment. I think I’m already getting the fatigue. I’ve been feeling this way for about a year.
I still view people who love the church with a mix of envy, criticism, and wonder. Luckily, I’ve never wanted to take away their happiness. I do like the thought of focusing on how the gospel makes them happy.
I’ve been reading books at church for months!
To add to what Heber said, don’t wallow in negativity. “Sufficient unto the morrow is the evil thereof.” Therefore, do as much as you can to balance things by finding uplifting reading, research, study, etc. as possible.
Most of all, don’t forget the positive things about the Church and the Gospel it teaches. There are lots of them, and figuring out your own faith doesn’t mean all of them now are wrong or bad in any way.
Ray, I sure appreciate your thoughts. Even though it’s more work, I truly can see the good about the church when I try. This is a great reminder. Thank you!
Heber13 wrote:You are right, it takes time. But my advice is to read good things. Writings of the Dalai Lama are at the top of the list of recommendations. I also recommend going back to church and looking at who you can serve and talk to and get involved in good things.
It’s hard to leave stage 4 without reconnecting to others outside yourself.
Heber – My husband was suggesting that I read this as well. It must be a sign! Thank you for your thoughts!
QuestionAbound wrote:My journey to find the truth and to find what “feels” right and brings me peace is so confusing and so heart-wrenching. I feel like I am being tossed to and fro….like I am running everywhere trying to find the truth “but know not where to find it”
I know I should take my time to explore my thoughts and insights, but lately this has become something of an obsession and the urgency to find it “now” is powerful.
I believe in the reality of Satan…is it possible that he is clouding my mind so that I stay in a state of confusion? Is it possible that everything I DO need to know is part of the TBM mentality?
Life was comfortable and familiar then.
i almost feel like…I’m tired of thinking. I want someone else to think for me.
My heart goes out to you! I feel the same way. This journey is exhausting, plain and simple. Articulating thoughts and feelings are difficult. Tossed to and fro is a nice way of putting it. I went through several months where I tried desperately to push away all of my doubts and issues and go back to how I used to be and feel before my questions. The sad truth was that it was impossible. Things were just simply not the same. I was looking at the church and life through a new lens.
As I continue on this journey there are moments of gut-wrenching despair, but I also feel like I have never been more authentic in my life. If I were to die tomorrow and had to stand before God and make an accounting of my thoughts and feelings about the church I think I would feel best about the past year simply because I am still the same person (human with weakness, but trying my best to be a good person) but I am now raw, humble, honest, and I have ownership of my beliefs that I never had before. There are lots of questions that I don’t have answers to, and I ok with that. I’m doing my best to figure things out spiritually and in the meantime, I focus on things that I DO believe in like being kind, serving others, following Christ’s example, etc.
Best wishes on your journey!
This thread has been such a pleasure to read! LadyEliza, I sympathize with you wholeheartedly and am so happy that your DH has been a support to you. LadyEliza wrote:Right now, I’ve read just enough to know there are a lot of things I don’t know much about. These are all swirling around in my head without much research to back them up. At this point, I wonder what to do. Shelf everything and ignore it? That doesn’t seem intellectually honest.
I feel like I could have written this myself. It’s tough.
ogie5263 wrote:I have had similar thoughts…”Do I really want to change everything?” For years I said, “no,” but I just can’t shake the feeling anymore. I look at TBMs and think, “Man, I wish that we’re me, blissfully obeying and living without much thought for what I should or shouldn’t do.”
But at the same time, I feel so much more freedom having finally accepted my doubts and having forged the beginnings of my own beliefs. So it is hard to look back and think of the ease a TBM lifestyle gives (at least in the sense of fitting into church culture and “knowing” your salvation is assured if you’ve done XY&Z), but I am happy to not be holding up such a heavy load anymore.
I am so happy your husband is understanding. My husband is very understanding a well, and I count that as one of my greatest blessings. Working through these issues has definitely brought us closer together.
Ogie- I feel 100% the same way. I, too, look at TBM and wish I could go back to that blissful ignorance and simplicity. However, I agree with you in that there is something very refreshing about letting your brain do some thinking and deciding on its own. I no longer have to swallow down doctrines that were tough for me.
LadyEliza – I’ve been working through things very slowly for almost a year. My path has been rocky and painful and sometimes I find myself sobbing in despair, but I know that God hears the yearnings of my head, heart, and soul. Again, I’m so glad your husband is supporting you. Best wishes!
These are all great thoughts. Long before my faith crisis, I came across the phrase “spiritual but not religious” and it blew my mind! I had honestly never considered separating the two. Now, during my faith transition, I really feel like I am spiritual while not always being religious. I don’t think there is any shame in keeping things undefined and nebulous. Like others had said, spirituality can always be evolving. What you believe today doesn’t have to be the same tomorrow. I think it’s important to remember to let some of the culture driven guilt (ward prayer, devotional,fire sides, ect) just slide off you back. There is immense pressure to participate in everything, and it can drive anyone crazy, even those who loved BYU and its culture. Also, I would echo the current advice to stay silent on some things. Better to feel slightly isolated for a couple of semesters and walk away with a degree than to express your thought and risk getting kicked out with nothing to show for it. Find a few kindred spirits and hang in there! I’ve always felt like the church places a lot of personal accountability on your decision on whether or not to take the sacrament. As such, I really think it boils down to your relationship to god. God knows my faults and weaknesses and he still lets me know that it’s ok to commune with him. The sacrament is one of the few things that I still really enjoy about going to church. I appreciate all of your insightful comments. As I’ve considered some of the ideas brought up, I think it all boils down to validation. I am certainly not seeking to destroy anyone’s faith by exposing them to issues that they might not know about; rather, I am seeking a thoughtful conversation where issues and concerns are labeled as valid and worthy of discussion. Wishful thinking perhaps?
