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I am in your wife’s situation–my husband has chosen to be barely active. Our marriage had been struggling even before he went inactive. I think what silent dawning told you is some fantastic advice. I kept trying to explain to my husband that i could deal with his church issues much better if we had a good relationship. I had people showing me the Ensign articles—and it didn’t help, in fact, it was more frustrating, because the couples they talked about still had good relationships. They had SOMETHING to hold on to. My husband decided one day that he did not want to fight with me anymore. there has been much improvement in our relationship. We still fight, but i have been apologized to more in the last 3-4 months than I have been for probably our entire marriage. If you can’t be the priesthood holder she needs right now, be everything else for her that you possibly can.
You all have been great–I appreciate so much the things you have told me. I am able to see things a little better and realize that my daughter is probably pretty normal—I think I just got really spoiled with my older girls—-we used to just sit and talk–it was something I wanted to do because my mother was so busy she didn’t seem to have the time to just sit and talk with us. My oldest daughter was every mother’s dream of a baby, and stayed that way right on up to going on her mission—we felt like there a little bit of holier than thou attitude when she came home–but that is probably a little normal, too. I am greatful that my 18 yr old is talented and spiritual, and has had good friends. She is gifted and graduated in the top 10 of her class with quite a few college credits and was awarded her first years tuition at BYU. You all have helped me to remember these things and worry a little less about the other things.
Four of our 11 children are inactive—2 of them cannot drive right now because of DUIs—-and I am worrying about a good kid that won’t talk to me?????
Thanks!
Harmony—I will remember what you said—because I have really struggled with my children growing up and leaving home—thanks! Well, it seems that my daughter is obviously not the only teenager/adult to act this way. I talked to a friend who’s daughter has already gotten her mission call, and she said her daughter has been acting the same way for a while. She said they even invited her to leave
it made her pull her horns in a little. My only other missionary has been my oldest daughter, who went when she was 21. She had been more mature than any of my other kids from about 3rd grade on up. Guess I need to remember that they are all individuals, love them for seeking independence, and hope that one day my daughter will choose to talk to us a little more.Thanks
guess i don’t see making a mess of my storage room to get what she wanted as acting like a adult. I have no idea where anything is anymore, and i am not particularly well—it could take me some time to clean up the mess she left us with when she was 18 1/2. She could have told me what she did, and she could offer to clean up the mess she left us with. Decided to revisit this topic, but I want you to know it is no longer an issue for me–at least i am not dwelling on it, so i don’t think it is an issue, and my main goal is to forgive. But, I just had to tell something that was said in Sunday School shortly after I told the bishop that i felt partial truths were dishonest. Can’t even remember what the lesson it was . but something about honesty came up. the bishop attends the same sunday school class I do. During the discussion, the teacher happened to mention that she felt that telling partial truths was dishonest. I don’t think I even looked in the bishop’s direction. I do believe he is a good man and trying to do his best, just thought it was kind of funny that the teacher said to the class the same thing I had said to the bishop. I hope that he and i both grew a little from the experience. Christine
i can remember years ago being given a paper that asked about things you enjoyed, things you have special abilities and talents in, things you would like to learn more about, etc. i assume the leadership wanted a better idea of what talents peole had and were willing to help others learn and what kind of callings would be more appropriate for them, etc. Haven’t seen one of those in a long time. when i was the Primary secretary, and being in on discussions about callings needed filled, i don’t think I ever remember prayer being suggested to use in finding the right person—maybe thy pres and her counselors did it and I just didn’t know.
I think that it would be perfectly acceptable, if when you are called to a calling, to say, “let me go home and pray about it, then I will give you an answer.” I just think it is kind of interesting that we are told that callings are inspired and prayed about—we we all know that they aren’t always prayed about. But if we are being called according to prayer and inspiration, I think that we should be able to do the same with giving our answer.” This does not fit with, accept all callings.
Also, it is our responsibility to let the brethren know what is going on in our lives. My Mother was dealing with a tremendous amount of things on her plate already, when she was called to a stake position. She explained to the stake counselor what was going on in her life, and his response was, “I think the thing to do, is to not call you to this position.”
I have have held two callings at one time, and was asked to do a third–but it interfered with one of the callings I already held. I had to point out to the member of the bishopric that the new calling required me to be somewhere at the same time as one of the callings I already held. They decided they wanted me for the newest calling the most, which happened to be cub scouts. I didn’t give an answer right away, and kind of freaked out. I had a bunch of kids at home—and not one of them was a cub scout. I knew cubs took a lot of time, so I was looking at being involved in a time consuming program that none of my children were involved in—and I still had my other job. The RS president told me I needed to talk to them because she could see how distraught I was. I told them I couldn’t do the scout calling, so they left me in the calling I already had.
I guess I kind of have a hard time seeing inspiration being used in trying to add a third calling to my life that would interfere with another calling they had already given me. And I always feel guilty for not accepting a calling—but I was already serving in two callings. I was asked to be in the nursery when I was getting divorced, had 2 young children, and worked every day in special ed. with severely handicapped children. I went home and cried. I needed to be around some adults. I was already playing the piano in primary. they left me where I was. I have been asked to do a second job more than once and turned down the second one.
I said something to my stake president about feeling like I couldn’t do a calling and asking to be released from even visiting teaching. He seemed to understand and told me about a time when his wife couldn’t do those things. When i pointed out that we are told we are never supposed to turn down a calling, he didn’t say it, but I got the feeling he understood that there were times when people could not do things.
i have also been the primary piano player and the primary music director at the same time–figure that one out. We made do without a piano player for about 6 months. One of the presidency would play for me, or I sometimes didn’t use the piano with new songs, at first. They finally decided to call me to play the piano, even though the bishop said he felt like I belonged in the chorister position. They did not call a new chorister, and told me to keep doing what I had been doing. I was sustained as the Piano player, but not released as the chorister. I was able to find them a piano player who was willing to play the piano–so they released me from that job, sustained the new piano player–and primary music went on.
I’ve also been sustained to a position that i was never asked to do. I was home for some reason, and found out from my kids when i came home that I had been sustained to a position. I thought that one was pretty funny, I had no problem doping the calling and it was a second calling for me.
SamBee, I guess i should probably tell you that i have hypopituitarism, which hase caused secondary adrenal insufficiency and hypothyroidism, that would be under treated by an uneducated doctor who tried to use the “usual” thyroid tests. My DHEA and testosterone also will not stay up to normal levels unless supplemented. (even for a woman). I had the depression and anxiety before i had the hypopituitarism. So I have a number of medical issues that can cause depression and anxiety–not to mention that some of the medications i take can cause depression and anxiety also.
I may not be able to change a pituitary that is not working, but when I read your post, i realized that is is my responsibility to take care of myself the best I can. i need to make sure that I don’t just follow the WOW (I do) but I need to make sure that i eat as healthy as possible. I need to make sure that i take my medications at the right time. I need to avoid stress as much as possible, since i don’t kick out extra cortisol on my own to help deal with it. I need to try and get off any medications that I can, if possible, I need to exercise, I need to socialize, I need to find ways to serve other people cause that makes me feel good.
I may not be able to change my health status, but I can take better care of myself and do a lot of things that can help decrease anxiety and depression.
I should also add stay out of debt!! that is really stressful—but we have spent a lot on medical bills.
another thought—I believe that some people are given callings to help themselves grow, just as much as it is for them to serve. Since we were told that our leaders are imperfect and make mistakes—-is it wrong to talk to them about something you feel was a mistake, if you talk to them respectfully? Even if it is a leader with a position over your? I guess I am thinking that if no one ever says anything, it doesn’t help the learning and growing process—and sometimes the forgiving and loving process. i can see that my post was entirely too long for people to understand and follow very well—but I appreciate that you all seemed to understand that I was hurting—and that is what I really need a lot of times
just someone to listen, and understand how I feel without telling me I am wrong for however i feel. Kindly pointing out various other things is good too. I think I can see the bishop’s what the bishop was thinking when he kept giving me bits and pieces each time I called. he was trying to avoid what he thought would hurt my feelings—and wanted to know what I had done wrong. I can only make something right with another person/persons, I may have offended if i know I have offended them.He asked me to talk to him instead of going to RS—but he made absolutely no sense about what what he was referring to when he kept telling me that he wanted me to come to him first if I had a problem about something—and I kept trying to tell him I had already talked to him about MOST of these things. So I left there feeling baffled, and like I was being reprimanded for something, but didn’t know what it was. The thought in my head as I left was that I never wanted to come back to my ward again. This ward has already been such a struggle for us–and I grew up in this ward, and came back to the ward when i was getting divorced and had 2 small children.
I am willing look at what his intentions where over last weekend, and see that he was not trying to lie to me.
However, when my husband stopped coming to church, for the most part, after 20 yrs of being active. I asked the bishop a very specific question and he gave me an answer that was completely untrue. It would have been much easier if he had just said right from the start,” we discussed it as a bishopric and this is the decision we came too.” It is my obsessive compulsive personality, and the fact that the decision they made had pushed my struggling husband over the edge, that kept me questioning until I discovered the story was completely different than the original answer I had been given.
I guess i had just never imagined, in my mind, that a bishop would lie. I told him I expected him to be totally honest with me. I am sure time will heal my disillusionment, and hopefully my husband will come back eventually. But I know it won’t be while we have this bishopric—-and I even feel guilty for saying that. I have got to get over these guilt issues i get. a stake president once told me I had an overdeveloped sense of guilt.
Don’t get me wrong, just because i have a thing about honesty, doesn’t been I haven’t been totally honest in every word that came out of my mouth in this life—also, I’ve made more mistakes than I would ever care to admit.
Hearing the conference talk when Uchdorft said that our leaders are human and they make mistakes, has stuck in my mind–thank you for reminding it about it.
SamBee, i agree that those things come in to play even if your depression is chemically based. My marriage hasn’t been easy–but I’m still here and we are getting close to 26 yrs. I know that when my husband is treating me better, i definitely do better. We have never had a lot of money, and that can be stressful and add to depression. But, I also believe that genetics play a big part in depression and anxiety for some people. My half-sister committed suicide, my great grandfather committed suicide, and there is a relative on my grandmothers side who refused to have any children because there were so many mental/emotional problems in the family.
I have had times i have not wanted to go on–even figured out how I would commit suicide if i ever got to that point—but I’m too much of a coward to ever do that. Plus, I still have a 10 yr old daughter at home and I would never do that to her.
I have a quote from a talk that I keep in my scriptures–had to read it in RS one day when i got so mad because someone said that depression was one of the devil’s tools. Can’t remember who gave this talk, I just have one quote.
Myth:Mentally ill persons just lack willpower
There are some who mistakenly believe that the mentally ill just need to “snap out of it, show a little backbone, and get on with life”. Those who believe that way display a grievous lack of knowledge and compassion. That fact is that seriously mentally ill persons simply cannot, through an exercise of will, get out of the predicament they are in. They need help, encouragement, understanding , and love. anyone who has ever witnessed the well-nigh unbearable pain of a severe panic attack knows full well that nobody would suffer that way if all that was needed was to show a little willpower. No one who has witnessed the almost indescribable sadness of a severely depressed person who perhaps can’t even get out of bed, who cries all day or retreats into hopeless apathy, or who tries to kill himself would ever think for a moment that mental illness is just a problem of willpower. We don’t say to persons with heart disease or cancer, “just grow up and get over it.” neither should we treat the mentally ill in such an uncompassionate and unhelpful way.
I started suffering with mild anxiety symptoms and OCD tendencies when i was in the 3rd grade. In 5th grade I was having anxiety attacks—I would go into that feeling of depersonalization or derealization–not sure which is the right term for what i felt. I became a little bit agoraphobic for about a year. I was about to back out of a dance performance, for the econd time, when my leader took me alone in the bathroom ant tallked to me. I went ahead and did the dance–even though I felt like i wasn’t really there. I hung close to 2 friends for the rest of the night and did my best to ignore the scary feeling i was having. after that it went away. Looking back, I am sure that i suffered with depression to some degree, off and on, through out high school. When i married my second husband, I had not been prepared for how difficult his 13 yr old son was like, nor was I prepared to deal with my husbands ex-in-laws from hell. I had a 2 yr old and a 4 1’2 yr old. hubby had a 13 yr old and a 10 yr old when we got married. hubby’s ex wife wasn’t a problem, but her parents were. his ex skipped the state, and they told the kids to tell us their mother was not gone, so they could get her visitation. His ex’s best friend would call me and tell me everything my hubby did wrong in his first marriage. i finally told her that no matter what he did tha tshe still did the biggest wrong by having an affair–she shut up after that. Guess she realized i didn’t want to hear it. My hubby’s ex-in-laws joined the church, and they were in our ward. the wicked part of me wants top say i don’t think they joined it for the right reasons–think it had more to do with the kids—I could be very wrong. I felt like we had lost our support group–they were the new members to fellowship. i could see that was coming, I was having days that i would just cry. I was pregnant and warned my doctor. I was afraid if I really stgarted crying, i wouldn’t be able to stop. Went to church one day, went in the bathroom and started crying and crying. when i went home, i went into that “don’t feel like I am really here” feeling that lasted for an entire month. I had a complete mental breakdown.
I have had a few full blown anxiety attacks, but not for years. i have battled depression and anxiety for over 24 years now. Unfortunately, i seem to be resistant to the medications. I chad a hard time tolerating many of them, and if I found one tht helped, it would work for 2-4 months, and then stop working. I seem to be treatment resistant. once time a psuch thought i was bipolar ll–but the4 meds for that didn’t do a thing–even at the highest dose. another doc in the practice talked to me and agreed with me that he didn’t think I was bipolar ll. i could not even tell you allof the medications I have tried. My moods are a roller coaster. i was deperate enough to try shock therapy. I kept being told it would either be 6 or 12 treatments–they were not sure. I did 3–it was too stressful to drive at 5:30 am, fasting and worrying about my blood sugar, and driving almost an hour and a half to where they did the ECT. It was too stressful, so i decided I would not do them again unless my husband could take me. I t did make the constant low grade anxiety that I felt go away–and it has never come back.
I started an antidepressant this last year–it worked for 2 -3 months. I felt good and had a better attitude–but it didn’t last, as usual. I have hypopituitrism and fibromyalgia, which can both cause some depression. This is just my life. sometimes i wonder what my pre-existent experience was that God thought i could handle these challenges, and if we agreed to the ones we have, like some peole say—I’ve changed my mind!!!
opentofreedom—actually, I think you did make sense. I heard something really funny in a stake conference, once. The speaker was a convert. He said that at one time he had decided to read the whole Bible. He said that when he was done, he promised the Lord he would never read it again!!! I think if they made all of the Old Testament into a movie it would be R rated–or worse!! I wonder if he was meaning something else when he told me “you don’t get there without him”, and I just didn’t understand what he was trying to say—most of our conversation had actually been about another subject. I know that once my Stake President said something to me that had me very upset, because it was not what i thought we believed. My old bishop/Stake president lived two houses down, and I used to go discuss things with him. I went and spoke to him about what I had been told. He suggested that I go back and talk to the stake president and ask him what he meant.
I followed his advice and went and talked to the stake pres and asked him about what he said—-He had not meant it the way it came out. I think I had caught him at a time when he was in a hurry–I had no appointment and he taught seminary–and it was in the morning. When I took the time to ask what I thought didn’t sound right, in a more appropriate setting, I realized that he hadn’t meant what I thought he had meant—he was able to explain it better.
I guess i should take my own advice here—and the next time i get a chance to talk to this leader, I need to ask him why he told me two different things.
Sometimes just being able to vent, and get a few opinions helps me to see things a little better—-and you all aren’t mean with your replies like the other board i used to go to!!!!
thanks!
Christine
I appreciate all of your replies—I guess i should have told you a little more. i have been in therapy several times. I have been to more than one psychiatrist, and I have tried just about every antidepressant out there. I was finally diagnosed about 5 years ago with hypopituitarism–it is not the most common thing in the world and really hard to find a good endocrinologist. I’m sure some of my depression has to do with my growing up, but I think a lot of it has to do with my health and my marriage. Reminding me about exercise was really good, I’ve played church co-ed softball a couple of times, and even though I could hardly run–and kept falling down—It was enough exercise to kick in some endorphins and make me feel better for a little while.
I think I have the book
He did Deliver Me from Bondage, somewhere.
I have only recently learned a little more about my illness and how to manage it—since my pituitary isn’t working right, it affects so many other hormones in my body. I just want to be able to hang on to the light when I feel like I’m in the dark.
Christine
