[mormonmama]

Reading your posts looks like something that could be pulled straight out of my own head. You mention seeing everyone else in class nodding in agreement. I know that I have been angry at seeing everyone sitting there without correcting whatever line we’re being told and it’s upset me BUT reading your post makes it so obvious to me that I am not the only ‘wolf in sheeps clothing” because you’re feeling the same things that I am. I know that I sit in class and although my head is ready to explode from frustration because of one thing or another I rarely ever say anything so it MUST look like I am agreeing with the speaker/teacher. If you were in SS with me you would never know that in one minute I am sitting next to you in class but when I get home I’m unloading and searching for answers on forums like this.

My point is that I think you would be better off to assume that everyone sitting with you in class are supporting each other in whatever spiritual stage they are in. It helps me get through it to believe that I’m not alone and when I talk with other women at church I’m surprised by how often that assumption is correct.

[mormonmama]

When we were small kids my mom was bathing my little sister in the the sink. She stepped away from her to check on us in the other room and while she had her back turned my sister pulled a small appliance ( I can’t remember what it was ) into the water with her. When my mom came back my sister was stiff, discolored and not breathing. She was only turned around for a second since we lived in a very small single wide trailer! My mom dialed 911 and started CPR. The miracle was that she hadn’t ever taken a CPR class and didn’t know how to do it! My sister was taken to the hospital and the Dr. said that if she hadn’t received CPR as soon as she did she wouldn’t have survived. My sister is healthy and suffered no long term damage from the accident.

[mormonmama]

Thanks for all the warm welcomes everyone.

Quote:

I use to love baring my testimony in sacrament and now I’m afraid to. I don’t know what would be considered taboo and more than that I can’t say that ‘I know that it’s true’ about so many aspects that I stay sitting and I have been waiting for a better way to articulate how I feel, why I go and what keeps me wanting to have the gospel in my house.

Poppyseed- I use to bare my testimony as often as possible. I loved feeling the Spirit when I did and now I hesitate because I am still working out what I DO believe. I started questioning simple things like whether there really was inspiration behind every calling. If there isn’t inspiration behind every calling then that would mean that the leaders of the church aren’t ALWAYS speaking through the Spirit. If they aren’t always speaking through the Spirit then callings are given because it’s a part of managing the ward, stake, etc. This brought me to looking at the organization of the church as exactly that. It’s a large organization, an institution. I found some information about Joseph Smith that made me question even more and pretty soon I was questioning everything. Is there really modern day revelation? What about the temple? There’s tons of questions there.

I have more questions but I don’t need to throw them all out there. What I do know is that I feel something when I pray. I feel something when I read my scriptures. I still believe in the Book of Mormon. I’ve had too many personal experiences to believe that it was all made up and so far I haven’t found any really damning evidence to prove it false. My first and only real testimony building experience was when I read the Book of Mormon and the New Testament and prayed about the truthfulness of the BoM and asked for a testimony of Christ. These two moments keep me grounded to mormonism.

I no longer see myself leaving but I can’t go back to not asking questions either. I was listening to the 3 podcasts about the Stages of Faith and I kept crying. I didn’t know that there was a process to what I’m going through and I have only been hoping that there is something beyond my fear of the unknown and my comfort at feeling more sure about the things I do believe.

In a nutshell, that’s why I don’t bare my testimony. I won’t say something just because it’s commonly said and expected and I don’t want to say something that will push someone into asking questions if they’re not ready.

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