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yes. haven’t read much of joanna’s stuff yet, but plenty of john’s. agreed on all counts. but i worry. i worry that its people like john (not their leadership or priesthood or anything), but just that level of openness to thinking and listening… that is exactly what all faith’s need, but especially ours needs, to keep our membership strong. members treat them as heretics out of their own fear and misunderstanding.
yet wasn’t it joseph who taught, its not prudent or healthy for god to command in all things? we should not let the structures of the church stop us from thinking and feeling and using our own conscious and brains and will to act…
and to discuss a difficult topic does not mean agreeing with it or anything. yet there is value in the discussion. therapy in the sharing. and loving and charity in the simple act of … wait for it… LISTENING.
we need to listen to each other more. or even at all. just to listen. just to hear. and just that simple act, true listening with empathy and love, is exactly what helps us feel a christlike love for people. how can we love who we do not know or understand or listen to?
and again, i’ve just gotten my “vent on” … with you, who is agreeing. we need more of us here.
well, when i said, ‘lack of control’ i was referring not to my self discipline, but rather my need to control the world around me. when my wife left, to force her to talk to me. to fix it. to move with my girls to safer place. to control it. that is the illusion i referred to… however.
you are right about the self-judgment. some of us do not judge ourselves enough, and others of us, too much. and i admit, a guilt complex over her leaving, on behalf of my children, even though it makes no sense whatsoever!! .. ya, i feel tremendous guilt for my girls suffering for things that had nothing to do with them. and my sweet bishop has told me many times that the lord was years past ready to forgive me, if i’d but forgive myself.
i get it. i understand it. it makes perfect sense, but… guilt, guilt, guilt. everything that happened, even though it had very little to do with me, is guilt.
i think in part because, my wife and i were best friends. we were supposed to be one unit, together forever. and i didn’t see her struggles coming. no one did. but if not me, then who? who else but i, her supposed best friend and partner and companion… blah blah…
who else but i should have seen the signs? and there were signs. hindsight being 20/20, oh… there were signs. and i missed them. all of them.
and my girls took it in the rear end because of it. and ya… GUILT.
and forgiving myself has been impossible. and i know i have to. and i don’t know how. or i can’t seem to. and maybe 3 years is just not long enough.
but i am so, so, SOOO tired. and i need to. and i can’t seem to.
agreed. a lot of this may be about ‘control’ for me. or lack thereof. or rather, a losing of the illusion of control… and yer right, i did not marry her for rewards. i married her because i wanted to, because i was in love with her and wanted to be with her.
and when she left. loss of control. or the loss of the illusion of it. and your comment is further evidence that perhaps i am simply angry, or bitter, or pissed at god, and because of it, i am finding reasons, or excuses to be angry…
all of which does not make me feel very good about myself. i have never been an angry or hateful or vengeful person. but then, have i ever been truly tempted in my life before the last few years?
perhaps not. perhaps not.
exactly. exactly. it was all up to me and her the whole time. no different than any other couple, religious or not, temple married or not… god cannot live my marriage by proxy. excellent. true. true. which brought me to… “why then? why the praying and the temple at all?”
i know, i know. i am circling. and i LOVE how you break my posts down and organize your responses. awesome. love it.
its is what it is, and so it goes… and whats the point? …
i hear what you say. and i agree. with all of it.
and yet. and yet…
sigh.
thanks hawkgirl.
maybe. it may well be in the reward of it. a what’s in it for me? where’s the happiness and joy? i did what my parents and their parents did … but it wasn’t always so. just a growing feeling these last 3 years or so, coming to a head. it makes it sound very selfish, doesn’t it? and perhaps it is. and perhaps i am.
Thank you Cate!! Patience. you have singled out one of my weaknesses. A lack of patience. Sometimes I can have an almost obsessive ‘need to know now.’ sigh.
mercyngrace wrote:Eddie,
First, welcome. Second, my heart just aches for you. I know the desert well. It’s a tough place to wander. The good news is that sometimes, wandering in the desert is preparation for entering a land flowing with milk and honey.
You are in a tough spot, what with single parenting, trying to recover from the heartbreak of divorce, and a faith crisis on top of it all. That’s a lot of stress to deal with. Working through a faith crisis without added stress is hard enough. With all the burdens you are trying to bear alone (because let’s face it, even with help, the lion’s share of the responsibility is yours), the best words of advice I can offer are SLOW DOWN, BREATHE DEEPLY, and just FOCUS ON THE BASICS. I can remember a time in my life when “endure it well” meant just getting out of bed in the morning. Life can be brutal but pain is a powerful teacher and opposition can open our hearts and minds like no other experience. So, slow down, keep breathing, and just follow your conscience. Let the tedious but less urgent questions sit unattended while you heal and life may just provide answers as it unfolds.
Much love,
Cate
thanks guys. and i know you’re right. in my head it all still makes perfect sense and is reasonable and all that… but in my heart, or gut, or whatever… i’m just not there. and for my kids’ sake, i feel this immense pressure and guilt that i should not be struggling with this. they don’t need this. they’ve been through enough. yet i feel if i keep faking it… i’ll break.
sigh.
thanks guys.
