[newdirections]

Quote:

Many here have found that they feel more awake and are glad for the transition.

Throughout my journey, I keep thinking of Plato’s “Allegory of the Cave”. I’ve always enjoyed the metaphor, but it has taken on a total new meaning to me recently. I feel like the prisoner who, after coming out of the cave feels angry and confused, but who also is beginning to understand the situation he’s facing. I have two options: either I have to sit out in the sun and let myself acclimatize my eyes to the brightness, which I’ve never seen before, or go back to the cave and let my eyes readjust to the darkness, which I will never see the same way again. Either way is an adjustment, either way is painful, and either way I’ll never be the same again. For me, the sun hurts my eyes, but I don’t want to go back into the cave. I’m happy to have seen the sun, even though I’m temporarily blinded by it. And BTW, I’m not literally equating the Church to darkness, so don’t read that much into the metaphor. 🙄 Today, I had Matthew 16:25 run through my head:

Quote:

For whosoever will save his life shall lose it: and whosoever will lose his life for my sake shall find it.

And it occurred to me that maybe there was more to Christ’s words than I originally thought. Maybe I have to give up all my preconceived notions about God in order to truly find Him. Maybe God isn’t comprehensible the way I was trying to comprehend Him before. It gives me hope.

Quote:

I found that I could understand and find spirituality more in the NRSV version of the NT… I still love the high language of the KJV sometimes, but many times, for me, the meaning is lost in the lofty prose.

Absolutely! I’m still trying to compare and contrast to figure out which version I like better. I like the “plainness” of the NIV, but I feel like it takes a little too much out. I was considering the NKJV, but I’ll have to look into the NRSV as well.

[newdirections]

Glad to know I’m not alone here. I also believe that the gospel – as taught by Jesus Christ – is a gospel of love, which is why I’ve decided to do roughly what Heber13 was describing:

Quote:

I think you’re better off doing a few things for the right reasons than 100% obedience out of fear and self-deprecation depending on who you want to please. Others in the church are pleased with evidence of 100% obedience. God looks upon the heart.

That’s really what’s been keeping me going right now – my personal relationship with God. I’ve been feeling so spiritually malnourished for the last two years, despite my participation in the church. It’s like being fed but not nourished. I’m ready to move onto to another approach, because this one obviously hasn’t been working well for me. So I’m throwing everything out the window, so to speak, and hitting the bedrock of my belief, which for me is God. Everything else be damned. The closest thing I think I can equate it to is agnostic theism. Not sure if that’s the “right” approach, but it’s the one I’ve decided on. Like Ann says:

Quote:

I know it’s not faith in man/Joseph that need, it’s faith in Christ.

I mean, if we’re being honest, you really need the latter before you can have the former. So I’m still going to attend church, fulfill my calling as a RS instructor, pray, and read scriptures (the Bible) in an attempt to form a relationship with God/Jesus (one based on an emotion other than fear and/or guilt), but I’m not going to pressure myself to believe or act in accordance with LDS doctrine (real or perceived) unless I see a valid reason to. It has to make sense to me. It has to pass some kind of litmus test determining its intrinsic value to me, because I’m not just going to do it for the sake of it. I’m sure my current attitude is probably a backlash against my blind faith and conformity towards the institution for the last 28 years, and may it isn’t the best attitude to have, but it’s the best attitude I CAN have right now. So I’m running with it.

Thoughts from anyone who’s tried this approach? Is it even possible?

[newdirections]

Quote:

However, if TBMs I need to deal with hear this idea and buy into it then it basically tells them they are completely right to judge me in a disrespectful way because I supposedly made “unwise” choices, had the wrong priorities in life, and exaggerated and “invented” shortcomings of past and present Church leaders.

Interesting point. If we are trying to build up Zion, and be of one heart and one mind, then the Church is only as strong as its weakest member. It’s the concept of the 99 and the 1 that Jesus spoke so plainly about. Elder Cook’s remarks give the opposite impression – specifically equating a struggle with faith as sin that requires repentance, which only serves to alienate members who are already struggling. These incorrect accusations push them into deeper doubt and pain, effectively pushing them away rather than seeking them out. The last thing someone struggling with any kind of faith struggle – whether it’s brought on by legitimate doubts, past mistakes, being offended or abused, or any other cause – is an accusation that they have the wrong priorities, are “drawing incorrect conclusions” and need to repent. It’s so insensitive, and IMO, counter-intuitive to the teachings of Jesus Christ. How about a little bit of nonjudgmental, unconditional love and acceptance? Pretty sure Jesus never talked about that…maybe that’s just my opinion.

Quote:

For example, many members have the impression that it is not acceptable in the Church to have serious doubts, drink beer, say no to callings, etc. so then they feel like they have no choice but to stay away from church and I think this talk mostly encourages and reinforces this intolerant and inflexible environment that basically limits the Church’s influence.

Agreed. This is another of my beefs with LDS culture. Who did Jesus seek out? The sick, the wounded, the sinners, those who had been neglected or shunned from society. He gave them dignity and hope without belittling them or making them feel awful about past mistakes. One of my favorite stories in the Bible is the man who says “Lord, I believe. Help thou mine unbelief.” And Jesus did. He accepted that man’s faith – even as imperfect as it was. Jesus met him halfway because he knew that he was trying. That’s the attitude the GAs of the church should be modeling for members. “We accept you as you are right now. None of us is perfect. We’ve all had different experiences and different trials and are at different levels of belief. Let’s all rely on Christ and each other and try together.” But that’s not the attitude we get. It’s Elder Cook’s attitude: “You aren’t trying hard enough. You made mistakes. You don’t believe enough. You are rebellious for questioning us. Therefore, you are sinning and need to repent.”

[newdirections]

Thank you so much for your warm welcome! It’s so nice to have a place where I can explore my doubts and frustrations without being told that I’m not trying hard enough and need to study/pray/fast/repent/talk to the Bishop more or that I’m being deceived by anti-Mormon literature. I’ve slowly been starting to realize that in order to truly examine Mormonism in an impartial way, I need to look at the facts. If it is true, it should be able to stand on it’s own merit, like any other universal truth. Of course, it’s not black and white; there are varying degrees of “true” and I’m sure that I’ll continue to discover even more shades of gray as I continue on this journey. It’s kind of funny – I’ve always believed that there was truth to every religion, otherwise they wouldn’t have any adherents. So I guess I have to sort through and figure out exactly what that is for me in my own religion. What rings true for me? At first I felt guilty that I was questioning and doubting, because I grew up in this culture that anything that remotely disagreed with the Brethern or our white-washed version of Church history was “anti literature.” God gave us intellect for a reason, we are supposed to reason it out and come to a conclusion that isn’t based solely on blind faith, fear, or blind obedience. Now that I’m starting to accept that, I haven’t been feeling guilty about my research and have actually felt peace regarding this matter for the first time in several years. I’m starting to understand that my spirituality and relationship with God isn’t tied up in the Church. They are stand-alone concepts, and that’s the foundation I’m building upon right now.

Quote:

We talked about this and especially the idea that sexual sin is supposedly next to murder in the following older thread if you haven’t read it yet.

Thanks so much for sharing that with me. It’s been a relief and a comfort to know that I’m not all alone in this regard. I’ve been working through those issues for a while now, and I’m in a much better place now than I was when I was first married.

Quote:

I feel strongly that in the end, the meaning that means the most to you will be the most helpful and enduring. This means that the part where you “started to really analyze what [you] believed in” can be the beginning of creating something of strength and beauty that you build alone with God. It is also scary and lonely – but I wonder if we have to go through these types of solitary journeys in order for that relationship to be personal and truly run deep and not just be something we picked up from our parents or friends or (insert “turn-key ready” worldview here). We have to build it brick by brick and take ownership for it.

That’s great advice. It’s been a difficult process to “untangle” myself from the Church, so to speak, to figure out where I end and it starts in terms of my identity and belief. It’s painful, but I understand the necessity of the process.

Quote:

Becoming a happy, whole, satisfied person who is financially stable is something you should do before you set out to raise another human being.

If that was the case there would never be another baby born again.

Hahaha! So true! So maybe I overstated there, but I think what I was getting at is that there is a lot of pressure to marry and reproduce young. Maybe that’s a good thing for some. I don’t think that’s true in my case. Was that the Church’s fault? No, I take full ownership of that decision. No one forced me to get married at 21 or have a baby at 23. But I think that the late teens/early twenties is a very vulnerable time. You are brand new into the world and if people in positions of leadership and authority tell you that’s what you, as a worthy young Latter-Day Saint should do, that can influence your decision a lot. It certainly did mine.

Along with dealing with the painful questions that come with exploring my faith, I’ve also been grieving over the diagnosis of my sons’ autism, and dealing with both of those at the same time can be a little messy and not at all compartmentalized. A little background: Our oldest is 4 and has a mild form of autism called PDD-NOS. He’s very bright, talented, energetic, and you can’t tell him apart from other kids unless I’m standing there pointing things out. He’s a in a mainstream preschool and will be starting Kindergarten next year in a normal classroom. All in all, he’s going to be fine. Our two-year-old, however, has the more severe form of classical autism. He can’t communicate using words, only with screams and yells, which as you can imagine is terribly frustrating for both him and I. We’re trying to introduce picture communication with him so I can figure out how to better meet his basic needs. He also has some sensory issues, as many children with autism do. Despite his challenges, he is an amazing little soul, full of energy and love and humor. I love both of them to the ends of the earth. They both inspire me to be a better person.

My boys were both diagnosed this year, within a month of each other. Immediately, our entire lives changed. I dropped out of school, two semesters shy of my degree. We moved our family from rural Tennessee to DH’s native Phoenix so we could have better access to therapies for our son. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to have a career in my field, at least not for the next 10 years, at least. Our kids’ autism is genetic, so we won’t be having any more biological children, despite our desire to do so (we haven’t ruled out adoption, but it wouldn’t be for a long, long time). Everything we dreamed/hoped/planned for our family and our children’s futures is up in the air. Will they be able to attend college? Go on missions? Get married? A first date? Everything from where we live, to who we can get to babysit our children, what types of family vacations we’ll be able to take, what kinds of schools our kids attend – everything, EVERYTHING, our whole life, every little detail, has been turned upside down. And that’s a grieving process in and of itself. And I think in many ways it’s kind of tangled itself up in the separate grief regarding my Church beliefs, since they’ve been happening simultaneously. One didn’t cause the other –I didn’t start wondering “Why me?” and start questioning the Church – those questions and doubts were already there long before the autism diagnosis. But I did start wondering a lot, “Hey, this is hard, why did I do it this way? Why did I have kids so young and so close together?” and the answer, well, one answer, is that the Church influenced that a lot. A LOT. And now that I’m not sure I still believe the rationale behind that decision, it’s hard to own it, even though I love my children with all my heart and soul. It’s been a pretty harsh reality check on all fronts. So there’s some pain there that doesn’t even have to deal with the Church at all, and some that does, if that makes sense.

[Author]

Posts