[ogie5263]

Quote:

I believe in the reality of Satan…is it possible that he is clouding my mind so that I stay in a state of confusion?

I have thought about this a lot. And I’ve worried I’m just letting my faith fail. A devil on one shoulder and a devil on the other. It is very tiring. Just reading your post brought back all the mental gymnastics and I felt tired.

So one day I just decided I would no longer let myself worry about “sins” that aren’t obviously a sin. For example, I think we can agree that abuse in any form is inherently wrong. But not reading your scriptures daily is only wrong if you think it is wrong. So I skip church without worrying. I asked to be released from an anxiety-ridden calling and didn’t worry about it. I went to a family dinner at a restaurant on Sunday and didn’t think about it. Maybe all these things are sins, but I don’t really know and really, no one really knows, so I don’t sweat it.

Because I believe the church is man-made, I no longer believe God will bind me to the covenants I made with the church. They were made with the church first, not with God. So all these things – tithing, FHE, temple attendance, etc. are off the table. If I’m going to do it I have to decide for myself that God wants me to do it.

Interestingly, as I sort through my FC, I find myself making some of these covenants again with God. Not in ceremony, but in my own way of living life.

For example, I have promised on a very deep level to commit myself to helping others and relieving suffering of any kind. (not that I’m any good at it, but I do try) That is one promise I made at baptism, but I haven’t lived it fully because I made it in order to join the church – not to follow God’s will for me. Now I feel God (/spirit/the universe/whomever God is) has asked me personally to relieve whatever suffering I can. In accepting it I feel more authentic (in this area) than I did when I was baptized.

[ogie5263]

I just wanted to say, Welcome! I am so glad you are here. I’m pretty new in my FT as well and I find most of church annoying. But I love teaching RS once a month. It gives me a chance to put some new ideas out there.

[ogie5263]

I am glad you are here. There are so many wonderful people here to lean on.

My sister is an alchoholic. She is 30 and started drinking when she was 15. We all thought each new low was her lowest, but it was not. Life has gotten very hard for her.

I have learned that there is no one I can make happy but myself. There is no one I can save but myself. Everyone must find their own way, and own their own path. Trying to force someone to do things how you want them to – trying to take from them their choice to live according to their own concience – will never change them. In the long run they must and will choose for themselves.

So the only thing I have leanered I can do is love them. Love them like the sun shines on you. It is there for you to take. It doesn’t get dim when you are good or bad or sober or drinking. It is always just there. I don’t know how to achieve a love that is totally acceptng and unconditional, but I know that I have prayed for that for years and I have received it.

Also, I would recommend setting clear boundaries. Not just physical boundaries (I won’t give you money or you can’t live with me; etc). You need to set mental boundaries: I will only speak about this for one hour a day. Or, I will only fret about this and try to help on Tuesdays from 9 am to 9:30 am.

That way you limit your stress and you can focus on loving him and rebuilding your life, instead of trying to fix his (which you can never and will never do). The less stress you have the more he can lean on you.

Finally, find an Al-Anon meeting to attend. Or go to open AA meetings. You will find so much fellowship and be able to learn so much from these wonderful people.

My heart aches for you and your son! Remember God loves you and your son, and being good or bad or keeping or not keeping commandments will never change that love He has.

[ogie5263]

This thread has been wonderful in helping me sort out how I feel about tithing.

I’m still unsettled about everything church-related, and feeling worn down from all the questions and studying and realizations. So I don’t feel I have a lot of resources to devote to finding a nuanced way of looking at tithing. And whether or not it is right, I also feel a little burned from paying on gross for so many years.

So I’ve (dh & I have) decided to land somewhere between 10% after reasonable expenses and 10% net.

I think because of shear mental/emotional/spiritual exhaustion, I’ve decided to decide for myself, even if that means paying less than “I should.” And I’m not worrying about whether it is enough, because then I get caught in the “give more get more blessings” spiral.

We have many commandments to obey: I stay home with my kids, DH doesn’t work on Sunday (he’s self-employed and could earn a lot on Sunday), we pay fast offerings, we want to stay out of debt, save for a rainy day, have food storage, etc. And paying 10% on gross isn’t a delineated commandment, so we are going with as much as we feel we should give – probably more than 10% after reasonable expenses, but probably not 10% of net.

That said, my views change by the week (or day, or hour) and I’m open to doing something else in the future. But for this year, this is what it will be.

[ogie5263]

I have had similar thoughts…”Do I really want to change everything?” For years I said, “no,” but I just can’t shake the feeling anymore. I look at TBMs and think, “Man, I wish that we’re me, blissfully obeying and living without much thought for what I should or shouldn’t do.”

But at the same time, I feel so much more freedom having finally accepted my doubts and having forged the beginnings of my own beliefs. So it is hard to look back and think of the ease a TBM lifestyle gives (at least in the sense of fitting into church culture and “knowing” your salvation is assured if you’ve done XY&Z), but I am happy to not be holding up such a heavy load anymore.

I am so happy your husband is understanding. My husband is very understanding a well, and I count that as one of my greatest blessings. Working through these issues has definitely brought us closer together.

[ogie5263]

Thanks for the warm welcome, everyone. I look forward to learning more from everyone here.

[ogie5263]

Hi Reki,

I was raised in an orthodox family, so you can imagine the crushing feeling I had when I learned of my husband’s questioning of church history and his desire to become a little less engaged at church. I could have married anyone, and I chose him and now my eternal family was kaput. Saying I spent many late nights and early mornings crying and praying is an understatement.

The answer I received over and over was to love him. To love him for him…like a mother loves a child…no matter what he did. Love him for him, not for his occupation or church calling or activity, but simply and purely love him as a human being. With time, that pure love came.

The other impression I had was that his story isn’t over. He had years to define himself, and if I stuck with him I would be happy.

Finally, because my husband’s parents divorced, I came to realize that he was very fearful that on a deep level that I too would leave him or at least not accept him. When I truly accepted him and promised not to leave him, things started to get easier and better.

12 years later I am happy! I love him deeply and we are true partners. I am so glad I didn’t give up on him in those first few years.

I guess I would recommend the same to you. Take a few deep breathes and don’t expect life to work out in this moment. Enjoy today for what it is. Enjoy your husband and your relationship for what it is today. Accept yourself and him.

[Author]

Posts