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It is a little embarrassing for me to reread what I wrote…haha… but that was how I was feeling. I no longer am itching for a tattoo… maybe next year my my 40th bday. Or maybe I will grow out of it? Who knows. I am trying not to set any decisions or beliefs in stone. Conflicted, I agree…THANK GOODNESS for this site and the support of good friends!! I would have gone nutso (well more than I already have/am).
MayB, I love that you are taking this time to be closer to your husband and are actually excited about serious and contemplative thoughts!! It is really beautiful!! I feel the same way now. It has been more freeing and brought us closer than I ever thought. It is funny what fear holds us back from.
Have so much fun on your date… whenever it is!
SD, I really love that advice. I do believe that the path to freedom from anger is service and to focus on positive things. In the 12 step program there is a saying that is repeated at each meeting, “Service if freedom from bondage of self”. I agree with that! I see it work when I apply that principle. I am also trying to work on the real cause of the anger b/c I can pretty much guarantee it isn’t what I am focusing on. I am just trying to see It is just part of the journey and not have guilt about it. Yesterday I felt ripped off and hated this faith crisis. I wished I could go back to sleep and try to “earn” my worthiness and rely on others to tell me what is good and right for me”. Today I am SO grateful for the learning and freedom to think and act for myself and I am enjoy letting the world in with no fear. Tomorrow (or even later today) that may change. But for this moment I am enjoying the peace.
There is way too much good in this religion to throw it all away and my rational side knows and loves this church and the positive things it brings. Honestly, some of the best people I have ever met are members of this church. I love my family and I don’t think I would have met my husband had I never come back to church, or even served a mission for that matter. He is the best thing that ever happened in my life and I am the best thing that ever happened to him:) I don’t ever want to do anything to ruin what we have. I have enjoyed talking to him about all of my fears. He laughed when I told him my plans to get a tattoo and my ears re-pierce my ears. He is so patient and loving models what Love is to me… not all the time, but much of the time. I can’t imagine how I would act if he were in my position and I in his. I am sad to say that in my TBM I don’t think I would have handled it nearly as loving.
Anyway, about the tattoo, I turn 40 in 13 months… I gave myself permission to get one on my 40th bday if I still choose to and am doing it for the right reason. The ear piercing will probably happen MUCH sooner than that. I don’t see it as much as a rebellion as much as I just think it is cute and I don’t see anything wrong with it.
broofturker,
Quote:12 women!!! Sounds like a great ward
😆
hahaha I think that is what bothers me most… the objectifying women. We objectify ourselves. I can’t say that I am not guilty at this to some degree either. I wear make up get my hair done, work out…. But I came to the conclusion that I will never finding peace if I am looking for outward appearance or circumstance to make me happy. I feel like the general behavior or thinking in my area is “we have to be perfect.. act perfect, look perfect, cook perfect, do perfect parties, have the perfect clean house, be perfect crafter, be perfect woman, wife, mother.. and if I get boobs I will finally be happy b/c I will fix my sex life, thus be perfect wife for my husband b/c I will love myself better BULL$%*&^!! My brother is a sex addict and his wife kept contemplating a boob job for the same reason. So you may not be far off with that and I have often worried about the same reason for these women and my heart breaks for them. I know Utah is the biggest % of internet porn… here is an interesting phenomenon: my brother and his wife divorced last year. He said now that he is divorced and dates women who don’t care if he drinks or looks at porn he doesn’t feel so desperate to do it, so he hardly does anymore. CRAZY! Not that I am a porn advocate… I actually have serious issues with the detrimental effects it CAN cause (particularly young children exposed)… but I do think the pressures of being perfect and abstaining for her has done wonders for him. He is happier than I have seen him in years!OK, sorry for the tangent!
I posted a long reply but it got lost in cyber space I guess… erased. There are so many things that I loved about what was said here. Anyway.. I am SO grateful for y’all and helping me to restore balance. I love having a place to vent. I feel SO MUCH BETTER. Thanks for all of the reminders to breathe!! and to Not do something lasting. You have no idea how crazy I felt. I guess I did feel like a teenager. Now that I feel peaceful it is hard to understand WHY I was so angry. I am expecting this to come back, but I hope I can come back to the peace as I did this time. Thank you all for the suggestions and insights!!!
I also had something unexpected that happened tonight.
One of my clients teaches at the MTC, goes to BYU is TBM like no other. I knew she was coming and I even tried to cancel our appointment b/c I don’t trust myself with information to stay in my head. I prayed before she came over that my tongue would be held and we could just work on her. But that wasn’t to be the case…. Being with her I realized that I was hating people that I love. I even love the “boob job ladies”hahaha … they are actually REALLY close friends of mine who I hang out with often. I actually talked to her about my concerns, careful in what I shared, but I shared the basics and she actually brought up things that I eluded to in more details. She understands things in grey, not as black and white as I would have pegged her to. It was so insightful and beautiful. I felt very peaceful when she left and no longer felt the desire to go hog wild. I still have that desire for a tattoo but not in anger and I probably will just do that… just continue to want one. I have for years and haven’t done it. I told her that and she said “if you feel it is right for you then do it. If not don’t”. We talked for several hours.
I think I am going to give up coffee for the time being.. just as a personal choice b/c I feel like I have to hide it from my dh and that is my first clue that I don’t feel good about it. Green tea… I will keep drinking b/c I think it is really healthy for me and I don’t feel the need to hide that from my kids or my husband.
MayB, I feel for you! Today has been an emotional day for me, so I hesitate to even respond. But I want to just to let you know that my heart goes out to you. You gave me great advice today, and I know you know the answers to your confusion.
I agree with what others said that just from the sound of it , it sounds like your hubby might want a break too? And I can see how that would be SO scary. I worry about the same thing. I don’t want to be the cause of anyone’s faith crisis!! or anyone leaving the church unless they decided on their own. I don’t think anyone “led” me? It was mostly my emotional healing journey and wondering the same thing you mentioned :
Quote:The lack of focus on Christ and the basic teachings of His gospel. I feel the church gets too focused on all of it’s rules and on the prophets and that Christ is not mentioned nearly enough. I’d like to focus more of my own study on the New Testament and the teachings of Christ, but I can do that by going to many other Christian churches or by not attending one at all.
I found healing through Christ from a non denominational 12 step group more than I EVER had from church. So I understand. I agree with and have almost the same exact issues that you mentioned.
I wish you peace in your journey!
Thank you so much for your reply MayB. It helped to even type it out and send it. Just to get it out there… release the “secrets”. Quote:MayB wrote:
Take things slowly and really think about your motives. I would advise against doing anything simply to “get back” at the church. Because really, the church won’t feel anything or probably even care if you get a tattoo or your piercings or go binge drinking one weekend. Look at what you want and only take action on those things that will be of a benefit to you, whether or not they’re church approved.
This is fantastic advice. Advice I heard my heart giving me this morning. But my anger was trying to trump louder. I don’t know why reading your post made me cry. But it did… it just softened my heart and I thank you for your sincerity and wisdom. I feel like I can breathe and calm down.
Thanks to everyone for “listening”. It just needs somewhere to go but my head and journal.
Ray, I agree with this.. I feel my anger and I am TERRIFIED of where it might lead. I just posted a post “Losing my mind”… I just don’t know how to let go to the anger. I read so many of your post, I agree with most of what you say. It all comes with such a loving spirit. I just don’t know how you were never angry… it sounds like you just came here that way and never got tainted. I have been “tainted” to see things black and white whether from myself, my family, the church.. I guess it doesn’t matter where at this point… b/c it just happened.
I feel I was disillusioned. I am not jealous of the prophet… but I want to find my own way and not feel like I am not WORTHY ( I am befogging to hate that word) if I don’t do X, Y or Z.
I feel for people who are so angry. I have 3 REALLY angry siblings at the church… I can now see that I am capable of the same degree of anger. I don’t like it… but I also believe “That which you resists persist”… I don’t want to resist the anger so much that it just comes out sideways and unhealthy in other ways. What are some healthy ways that you have found work? I want to pray and know that God will take it away, but I don’t even know who He is anymore…. I am heart broken today.
Hang in there. She will get through it and so will you. Here is what I think I know 😆 about teenage girls…. well… some girls… they can often feel things on a much deeper level. What might hurt to some people REALLY may seem like the end of the world for the “overly feeling” type of girls. I am one of these types. I used to hate that I was this way.. now I embrace it and love my passion. I literally THREW a plate of food at my dad because he asked me “are you going to eat all of that?” (I thought he was calling me fat)…., hahah I can laugh now. Gosh, for your sake I hope your daughter isn’t as dramatic
Anyway, I wonder if my parents worried that they were ruining my life when we moved.I left a school that I was popular, dance team, and all of my best friends. It wasn’t easy, but I lived. I went to three different high schools in 3 years. Now I grew up and I get to embrace all of the challenges that I had growing up. I think every experience that we have in life can be used for our benefit if we choose to see it that way.
I hope I didn’t sound insensitive to your daughter… I really feel for her pain… b/c I can imagine how REAL it feels to her. But I would like to suggest that maybe you are taking more responsibility in her happiness than is needed. You sound like a very loving and caring dad. That is all she needs from you, is for you to do what you feel is right in your heart and to know that she is loved and accepted by you. I feel rest will fall into place with time. I think y’all just being willing to go to another ward for her is saying so much about how willing you are willing to go for her! What a lucky girl.
SD, I hope you keep posting about how it is going with your family.. I love hearing about it and getting ideas from what works or doesn’t work for others. Cute about your son “like dad does” … I hope you daughter finds peace as well. My 8 year old is really sensitive as well. I think she overheard me (and I KNOW children perceive and understand SO much more than what they think even if she didn’t hear me)… she has been extra clingy, extra “obedient” to church stuff”. Now that I have laid off, went to church, not talking about anything negative anywhere near my kids and really trying to have a better attitude she has chilled out. But I am not sure how much longer I can do this. I hope I can come to a place of peace with the church and the “rules”. I have glimpses and moments of it. Then I am right back at anger and feelings of rebellion. I hope I can teach my children to not follow anyone but their own Christ conscious/higher self. I am having a harder time the past few days.. but I know good days and clarity and ability to see all colors (which isn’t that what white/purity?)… are coming. I have a hard time telling the difference between what I want to do and rebellion at times. Does that even make sense? I am actually going to do a post on the support page regarding this.
I love reading this thread. I watched the video “Why people leave the Mormon church” that was louder than I thought last Saturday night, my almost 13 year son came in and said “MOM! That is so loud. … uh, do you want to come watch something with me and dad”. I am pretty sure he was disturbed about what he heard. I feel really ashamed that I didn’t take the time to talk to him about it yet. I don’t know how I feel or what I believe so I am afraid to talk to my children about it. SD, I totally feel for you as I am in the same position. I agree that it isn’t just me, I have to do what is best for our entire family. I am taking it one day at a time. I “hide” my tea from my kids and even coffee from my husband. (That part I don’t feel good about… I don’t like hiding anything from him and just the fact that I have to hide it makes me feel that I need to reevaluate my beliefs about drinking it). Anyway, I just wanted to say that I think you are doing great. It is so nice to come here and hear how other people are dealing with change.
I agree with Angree Mormon. Health, excersise and seeing a therapist. That works the best for me as well… HOWEVER. I do know how hard it is to actually do when you feel like crap and don’t feel like getting off the couch, must less in work out shoes. There are some things that helped me a TON!
The biggest life changing influence was a 12 step program called “Heart t’ heart”.(
http://heart-t-heart2.org/ ) The founder is LDS and co-writers of the LDS 12 step group.. (which I personally can’t stand and feel they watered down some stuff). She wrote one of my favorite books called “He did deliver me from Bondage”. I know it sounds weird to call depression an addiction… but it worked for me. I think that my depression happened to wrap around me eating disorders. It really helped to open up to a sponsor and let go of all of my “secrets’. (I believe that secrets make shame grow and shame is the lowest emotion we as humans can have~hence depression). I also went to traditional therapy as well as a process called “Emotional Release Processing”. If you are interested in learning about that venue you can find information athttp://www.ihaofutah.com/the-process .It has taken me several years and I still have ups and downs, but NO WHERE near where I was. I know these things worked for me and there are so many healing modalities out there b/c we are all so different. God speaks to us and guides us. I am telling you about it to give you more options to pray about. If someone hadn’t let me I wouldn’t have known. Only you will know where to go from here. I hope you trust yourself enough to take the first step to do whatever it is necessary to find joy:) Hug hug hug!!
momto11, I am sorry that you are going through depression and hard time.
I can understand why you are confused but I do think YOU are the only one who knows what the right answer is.
I used to put so much faith in church leaders and took everything they said as THE LAW and FROM GOD! Now I just feel that they are doing their best job and it is their best opinion. That is MY opinion. I also have not made up my mind about temple sealings… situations like “you wont get there without him” sound ridiculous to me… But I am open to having a better understanding and I have decided to not see things in black and white or make any belief FINAL.
Keeping that in mind, I will say that I asked the Lord recently why He gave me on answer and then now I find that that answer doesn’t seem as firm as it once did. I realized that I get new information as I change and grow. I was being fed milk, now I am ready for meat. I was talking to someone about how mean God is in the OT. That God scares the crap out of me and I don’t like reading it. I was tempted to throw the baby out with the bath water on that one… then I had a friend explain to me that they needed the Law b/c that is where they were at the time. God spoke to them on the level they were ready to hear it. I think we are the same way; we learn things by the letter and when are ready to go by the Spirit and understand the value of the law, we are then ready for a higher law. Our “come from” changes.
I am not even sure if that made any sense, or if it even “fit” here. It just came out… haha
I am tempted to comment on your depression and marriage but that isn’t what you were asking. But just know that my heart goes out to you. Take care of yourself and hugs!!! Do whatever it takes to find joy is all I want to say.
Did you just say butthead.. potty mouth!! Just kiddin’ It is an exciting world/yet a little bit scary for me to start fresh and rebuild my beliefs to who I really am. Thanks for the example. What a concept!
