Forum Replies Created
-
Posts
-
Congratulations. Sounds like timing of events were just right. Sorry to hear of the deaths in the family and unemployment, however so glad you were able to take the time needed. As usual your attitude about the curveball thrown to you is admirable.
Roy wrote:Trying to be concise because my computer is eating my postings.
👿 About DH – it sounds like his worldview is very tied up in the siege mentality of the church (be in the world but not of the world, flee from Babylon). I don’t expect that to change much. You could introduce some nice non-LDS people but it sounds like he has plenty of anecdotal evidence to support his conclusions. Sometimes when in-laws and others are frustrating me with their way of doing things – it helps to remind myself that they can’t change or even understand any better way of doing things than how they currently do them. The onus is on me to see the good in what they DO do (or at least try to do).
As far as church. I tell my kids that it is something that the family does together – similar to eating at the table for meal times. My kids are younger so that might only go so far with your situation.
That is true. I was frustrated yesterday, but my DH and inlaws are some of the best people I know! That is honestly the worse thing I can find to say about them, sometimes it bugs me more than other times.
I really like that idea of telling them that it is something we do as a family, just like meals and such. I also have to talk myself into going for that reason. I usually spend the time coloring with my kids. It makes me feel less like I am wasting time because my kids love the one on one attention with no distractions of home.
Thanks Cwald and Curtis! I am pretty good at venting..haha I can be a little dramatic at time and often laugh at myself after a spastic moment. 
I did edit some of my comments though because it wasn’t fair to my DH.
university, Welcome. I am so glad you found us here. Glad you felt comfortable to finally post. I am sorry to hear about your broken heart regarding the church, and I feel that I can really understand. I am glad you realize that you are mourning. For me, I feel that someone I loved and 100% could trust died, I am grieving and mourning. It is a process. I too feel like I had finally “beaten” depression, only to find myself in the midst of a FC and now I am all over the place again. Somedays are better than others… today is not one of my better days. I wish I had some amazing advice on where you “should” go from here, but all I can offer is a virtual ear and a (((Hug))).
I read today this quote and I feel that it fits
Quote:Sometimes in life we have to be completely shaken up, changed and rearranged to relocate us to a place that we are meant to be
Quote:Nibbler wrote:
Please don’t take this the wrong way but… here’s your opportunity to prove him wrong.
Over the last few days I’ve been soul searching, finding reasons for the why behind doing what I do. One thought kept returning. In church the reasons for obedience are all framed around god. Some reasons are better than others, some obey out of fear of punishment, some obey out of desire for reward, some obey out of love for god. There are varying levels for reasons to obey but they all center around god. I’ve found another reason. I obey the commandments that I obey simply because that is who I am now.
Fear, expectation, and love may ebb and flow but that won’t change who I am. I love that, finding your motives for why you do the things you do. It takes practice, IMO, to get to the bottom, like peeling the onion layers. There are many motives covering up the real motives, but it is so healing to figure out the truth and live from “pure’ motives. I had often asked myself “would I brush my teeth or hair if I didn’t care what others would think?” I honestly had to discover through several layers that it is about self care is about self love. If I understand you correctly, what you are saying is that you are good just because you are. Not because you are afraid of “god’s punishment or lack of reward. I feel the same way and hope that I can (and AM) proving to him that people are “good” because they are. I am good because I AM, not because of fear, expectation and love… I just AM! Thanks for the reminder.
DJ: hahaha I re-read my post, It has the FREAK OUT kind of tone… I am actually laughing pretty hard at myself and I think you are right, I just needed to get it all out, because it was starting to fester and rot. Oh, I may have lied about the treat thing. hahaha Thanks for reading it though, really it was long.
I do feel that my husband is trying really hard… (I just get greedy at times and want it to move along faster). Do you feel that you take a backseat because you are the one that changed? Or because she is the mother? You don’t have to answer if that is too personal, I am just curious. I am made the mistake of being the “Number one Parent”..because that is my primary responsibility to be quite honest, I took pride that I was better at it than my dh. I read more books, I am home with them, I am the mama, and the Family Proclamation told me I was right. Now I that my views have changed, and my son is a teenager, I am trying to share the parenting more equally. But, I can’t lie. I back off quite a bit to keep the peace. If it were 100% up to me, I would tell my son he never had to go to church or scouts or anything church related unless he wanted to. But I love and respect my husband enough to see where he is coming from, and I want happiness and peace over getting my way. (at least most of the time) I was bullied into everything as a child and teenager and I WONT see it happen to my children. I believe my favorite beliefs from Mormonism is Free Agency, I just think we have a weird way of practicing it.
Here’s to learning balance. It is my greatest desire. (which is why I chose the profile pic I have)
Writer, FANTASTIC post. I loved it and will likely save it to reference during our upcoming “teen years”. Thank you so much for posting. It made me tear up to hear that your son was calling to take you to dinner. Love. DarkJedi wrote:My wife is probably more concerned with the latter, although she has been beating herself up over the relationship as well. I have tried to broach the subject regarding her tendency to be preachy before but she sees it as being driven my unbelief. That’s not to say she hasn’t made some progress, but the part of him not speaking to us (when I had little to do with it in any way) is in part due to her grizzly mom preachiness. Over this past week he has become a little less surly, and I have tried to treat him the same throughout – but that’s difficult when there’s little communication. We can’t afford a cruise (although that would be great) and our usual family togetherness activity involves camping – we still have snow on the ground here and it was 20 degrees yesterday. But your point is well taken, we’ll work on it. Thank you for your insight as one who has been there.
I feel for you. I am in the same shoes. My husband “blames” my free loving “Hippie-ish” parenting on my FT. Which isn’t entirely true, but it causes me to take more a backseat than I would have prior to FT because I feel guilty for changing. It is such a balancing act. I am so glad to hear that your son less”surly”.
smplfy7 wrote:
Personally, I’m very happy with where my FT is taking me, but I hate that it’s hurting the people I love and creating a gap in my most important relationships. I think the hardest thing for me to deal with is I feel so misunderstood. I feel like no matter what I do or say, my wife and especially my parents are always going to believe that I have been deceived. I wish I could somehow make them understand the mental and spiritual process I went through to get to where I am today.Deception was not a part of it.
Welcome to our ward. So glad you are here! Loved reading your intro, as many would agree, you are in the right place. I swear if the genders weren’t switched, I would sworn that I wrote this post. It is hard when people tell you that you are being deceived (and even if they don’t say anything, you know what they were thinking because you would have thought the same thing before FT); even harder to feel that you are causing someone pain. I often times wish I could go back and be TBM and forget everything, yet, like you, I LOVE who I have become as a result of letting go of such a limiting belief system. I also get ZIP out of church, I resent that I have to sit there for 3 hours. It is frustrating. I hope this changes because I also still go to church with my DH and kids, I only stay for 2 hours because for whatever reason, that drives me less crazy. I avoid SS and RS at ALL COSTS! I also take one Sunday a month for ME time. I help him get the kids ready for church and then I have three hours to write and meditate.. and “attend” StayLDS Ward. This is how I cope. I hope you find a middle way that works for you.
Funny thing happened…well not so funny.. just Karma in action. I felt all confident posting how much better I am getting at being able to converse openly with TBMs, then last night I had a hard experience and I was paying more attention (because of this post) to see what I “really” do. Well, I had to bite my tongue and pretend A LOT. I was sort of open, but I wasn’t being understood at all so I just had to resign to “pretend’. It left me feeling sad and alone. Grateful to have this forum for support. I think the topic of “God” is easier than doctrinal things (Such as temple blessings, pre-mortal life, LGBT issues).. I just have to not talk about these things. DarkJedi wrote:We’re OK with the supervised date thing, but at this point her parents are not (and we don’t think they know the full extent of the issue). They are the ones who have cut contact. Their stance at this point is church activities only, which basically means Super Saturdays. Even though they are in a neighboring ward, they’re still 30 miles away – which in this case might not be a bad thing. .
I am so sorry to hear that they are not allowing them to see each other. I think they are just fueling the fire. I am so sorry that your son isn’t opening up and talking to you either. That is just so tough
Quote:SomeUsername84 said: When it is a taboo novelty, it fans the fire. Several years ago I went through counseling for sex addiction. I found out that one of my primary triggers was the thrill I got from doing something I wasn’t supposed to be doing (This is true for most people, which is why drug usage and pornography problems run so rampant in Utah). My parents did an excellent job teaching me correct principles and then allowing me to make my own choices. THAT, for the most part, turned me into the type of man I am today.
I agree. I have a brother who spent $45,000 in rehab for sex addiction/alcoholism. 2 years later he cheated on his wife and a year after they split up, he has a six pack of beer in his fridge that he goes weeks without drinking and rarely finds the need to look at porn. When I ask him why he thinks is just “over it”, he said “Its no longer forbidden, so it lost the fun”. I also just told my husband I was drinking coffee last week. I was sneaking it for months. Now I don’t even want it…haha such rebels. But I think you are on to something here.
I can see what you are saying and no offense at all. I do try to avoid spiritual topics with those I once would have enjoyed such discussions, but I sometimes find myself in these types of discussions with people who are close friends yet have no clue of my FT, are still TBM. But all conversations depend on the person I am talking to. It wont do any good for me to try to explain my views to some people, so I don’t. I just go along. Sometimes I don’t feel like I am being true to myself, but I feel less and less that way as I get better and better at re-translating what the TBM says to my new beliefs. Does that make any sense at all? I am thinking of a discussion I had with my friend who was talking about the atonement and forgiveness, I was able to feel somewhat comfortable, say what I really believed in a way that was true to me (and made her none the wiser of my beliefs), and we both walked away feeling “spiritually satisfied”. … if this were a church history topic I would have had a much harder time feeling comfortable.
But in all honestly most of the time I just have to sacrifice what I would “really” say and not say anything or just agree. I don’t care for people to know what I believe as I did a few months ago. I am glad this is getting easier because this was the most difficult part of my FT because I OFTEN talked of God and spiritual things, most of my close friendships were based on these discussions. I have never been one to talk of “trivial” things, so this has been hard and I have grown distant with some of my dearest friends who are TRUE TBMS to the core. But the discussion I mentioned above was with one of these dear friends and it was great to feel close to her again and know that I can be around her without being so afraid of what was going to come out of my mouth. My filtering and “translation skills” have improved so much over the past few months.
InquiringMind wrote:
For those who have a metaphorical/non-literal view of God, how do you discuss God with other people, especially TBMs? Since God has a much different meaning for you than it does for most TBMs, how do you talk about God with them? Do you use the term as most TBMs use it, even though you know that it means something different to you than it does to them?
Yes, I teach a 12 step class for SS. I speak in the TBM language and “bear testimony” of God and Jesus, even though I don’t believe in the TBM way, but I can now bear testimony and have conviction in what I say because I translate from my head/heart to TBM language. And some thoughts I keep 100% to myself.
