[Orual]

Wow, thank you so much to everyone that’s commented. There have been some really great pieces of advice that I will definitely be applying.

Here’s a little update, with a spoiler that I feel much better now, so don’t worry when this gets dark.

I posted here the other day in full crisis mode. I guess I’d just been reading a lot of what’s out there, specifically this time about the Book of Mormon, and maybe I opened the doors a little too quickly, because I got flooded with information and facts of its invalidity. Since my mission, I’ve had a strong connection to the BoM, and it was one of the biggest pillars of my testimony- probably of everyone’s, right? With the church pushing that line so hard, that if the BoM is true then everything else must be true. And so that pillar got suddenly, forcefully knocked down, until I came to a place in my mind where I admitted to myself openly for the first time ever, “it’s not true”.

This had a domino affect, and my anxiety/OCD prone mind rapidly went

:wtf: BoM not true >church not true>no prophets>no spirit>no god>my life is a lie>>have to leave church>have to leave BYU>have to leave state?>friends will leave me>family will leave me>boyfriend will leave me> can’t marry him in the temple>can’t marry anyone in the temple>ALL THE THINGS ARE GONE :wtf:

And so I spent a few days intermittently breaking down into sobs, in mourning for the loss of the life I loved, until finally culminating in a rock bottom depression where suicide seemed…not exactly impending at that moment, but rather, inevitable, because even if I could cope for a day, week, month, 10 years, I felt that the weight was bound to crush me eventually.

Clearly the thinking errors are glaringly obvious now. But that’s mental illness for you I suppose.

I regained composure eventually though, thought some things through, and, came here. And these thoughts have been so spot on. Learn to live in gray area. Take an agnostic approach. Take it slow. Don’t be too hard on myself. Find the truths I still know and love. Create my own religion. Don’t get too caught up in authenticity (that one helped with the Byu problem….just cause I don’t believe it does not automatically mean I have to immediately transfer schools or else. My gosh, get a grip Orual!).

Posting here I wasn’t sure why a stranger would respond to me, I didn’t know why anyone would bother responding to me individually when there wasn’t anything to be said that hasn’t been said already in countless other threads. I guess I felt the responsibility lay all on me, to do the research and find th answers without people coddling me. But I want you all to know that in such small and simple ways, you saved a life. In my current state I don’t know whether I would say it was an answer to prayer or not. But I believe in whatever that goodness is that prompts people to reach out to an anonymous stranger on a message board. Thank you.

I also thank the people that called me out on getting more substantial help. In some odd guilt complex kind of way, I don’t feel comfortable deciding for myself that I need help, I only believe I’m bad enough to deserve it if I hear it from someone else.

I do actually have a therapist, a beloved friend by now. But a TBM. And I didn’t feel comfortable going to him, I didn’t want to be talked into coming back. So…….if anyone knows a good therapist in Utah county, that would understand this very specific problem, let me know. Because don’t want an LDS family services therapist that will think me faithless if I leave the church, and I don’t want a non mormon that will think I’m stupid or delusional to stay. But I promise I will get help as soon as possible.

Anyway, I’ve come to a lot of healthier conclusions now, mainly just giving myself choices, getting rid of the >’s. Like:

*despite want seems like mountains of evidence against the BoM, there are still very educated people that believe in it, there’s always the 1% chance that it is somehow miraculously true. I don’t HAVE to disbelieve it.

*even if it is not true, there are, apparently (though I didn’t know this until this website) people that stay LDS, and even temple worthy (??!) anyway! I do not HAVE to leave my lifestyle

* it also doesn’t mean that nothing is true now. The things that I love about the gospel are still good. There is still plenty of room to believe in God, the spirit, Jesus Christ, if perhaps with altered definitions now. I believe that something has guided me to good things, has confirmed truths to my mind. Come to think of it, I never got “the confirmation” about the BoM as a whole, but I have about specific passages. There is goodness in that book and goodness in the church, and I don’t have to leave those things. This is NOT all or nothing.

* some of my > choices seem unappealing when forced into them, but actually, given the ability to choose them myself, they aren’t that bad. I don’t know what road I’ll take, but I can visualize scenarios where I do choose to leave the church, maybe escape to Oregon and live with my best friend there, meet a great non Mormon guy and have a lovely non temple wedding….and probably still be pretty happy. My life can still have value and meaning and happiness in any scenario.

My point being, I have a lot to figure out, so many many questions about exactly what these “alternate ways to stay LDS” are, but I’m not in crisis mode now, I have time to figure it out. So as I organize those questions more, I’ll post them on the appropriate board here, and with my newfound team here, I’ll figure it out.

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