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I just wanted to add that the doctrine of polygamy was always very hurtful to me Because I am a woman. I was told several times at church while growing up that my future husband would have multiple wives after this life and if I wanted to live in the celestial kingdom I’d have to accept that. Hearing that at church even though I was TBM , never set right with me. I felt like a second class member and the whole idea of it made me feel powerless and angry. If that doctrine is true (I don’t think it is though), then the celestial kingdom sounds like hell to me. I think choice will exist as it does here – I think I’ll just go to a place I feel comfortable at. I’ll be around people I like being around. Thank you for your insight, Nibbler. I agree with what you said about the social programming in the church. I don’t think i would feel less than by going my own way and leaving the church. Right now I don’t believe most of what the church teaches and I especially don’t believe what I was taught at church growing up. I don’t have much figured out at the same time either. I hope there is a God, and if there is one, I think he’d love me the same no matter what church I belonged to or if I belonged to any church. I guess what’s hard to face is if my siblings and parents knew how I felt about the church, they would think I was led astray by the devil, that I don’t have the Holy Ghost with me. I don’t want them to think of me that way, even though I know those things aren’t true. But I’ve heard them say it about acquaintances who left the church and they wouldn’t hesitate to say it about me. It’s hard to say this because it’s sad to realize, but my parents’ love is conditional. If they knew how I felt right now, they wouldn’t talk to me anymore. I have at least one sibling who would do that as well. Now that’s some intense social programming right there. And Curt, you and so many others will never know how much your written words have helped me over these five years. I look up to you and so many of the others who post here. This really is such a great community. Thank you all so much!
SilentDawning, Thanks for sharing this. I’ve felt the spirit reading Harry Potter and I’ve felt the spirit while out in nature (before I had kids
😆 ). Truth is truth and I don’t think it matters where it comes from Or how it was stumbled upon.We moved a step in the right direction with two hour church. Hopefully the next step will be one hour church and then….drum roll….tv church!!! I joke with my siblings about this and starting a hashtag about it. They think I’m totally joking though 
Thank you Dark Jedi and Minyan Man. Even though this forum has been a huge help for me, I’m still figuring things out. I’m so grateful I can do that here. I have a lot to learn. I don’t look at right and wrong as black and white anymore. Though the church did do some good for me growing up, it also did a lot of harm. If I could have known as a child that everything I was taught at church wasn’t true, that would have been helpful. I have a 2 1/2 year old and like my other two kids, this kid has kept me sleep deprived for the first two years of his life. I missed a lot of church his first two years due to that (I slept while my husband took the other two kids to church.). If I had believed everything in the church, I woulda made myself go to church more, sleep deprived and all. But I used my son’s birth to give myself a break from church. And I milked that situation like crazy. In August 2019 we moved to a new stake and ward. And the people in our ward attacked us – they would stop by uninvited and ring the door bell. If we haven’t invited someone over, we don’t answer the door. But some of these people rang the doorbell multiple times in one visit, waking my two year old from a nap and a few times waking kids we had just put to bed for the night. I used to be these kind of people, so I’m trying to be understanding. I know they’re trying to be perfect and they want to please God. They think they are pleasing God. Luckily they’ve been backing off the last few months. My husband and I joke that we need to go to church more so they’ll leave us alone. My husband is super quiet in social situations and has anxiety so this ward welcome has pushed him away from this ward too. But he’s still gone a lot more than me. When I do go, I stay with my two year old in nursery (my husband hides in there too haha) or I find a room with no one in there and hide in it. It’s so hard for me to go to church classes or hear sacrament talks because I feel I was lied to by the church all my life.
Oh my gosh!!! I just saw all your replies for the first time. I am beyond thrilled that almost all my favorite people on here replied. I just successfully submitted a long intro. Seriously, I’m smiling ear to ear because of your awesome replies. Thank you for the welcome. I read from the forum every day and I don’t know how I missed all your replies to this post.
